Searching Jodie's Eyes: "Blessed Are the Pure in Heart for They Shall See God."

By Lori Justice

Ive heard lately that " How come God does not appear to anyone anymore as he did to Moses and Isaiah. My book is proof positive that he does.
" Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. I did when I was fourteen and every detail of this and my whole life story is in my novel " Searching Jodies Eyes" It took me ten years to finish it. I really believe it will be well known soon. Ive been writing since age fourteen and now I am 36, single white female.
Looking for a new and better life. I know it is just a matter of time. Everything in its right season. A time to weep and a time to smile. Im sure ready to smile.

Love always Gods_Secretary72801
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• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 14, 2000
• ISBN: 9781462831654

Lori Justice

“ Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.” I did when I was young. He was so bright and huge, like a father to a son or daughter. He held my chin up toward him and told me “ Change the station on the radio and you will feel better” I did and I did that is not a typo. I think you will enjoy this book because it came straight from my heart, it was very hard work but worth it to me and I hope the world enjoys my story. Searching Jodie’s Eyes is a searching story, and a autobiography of a famous poet of the 90’s. I was voted “Famous Poet” in 1996, 1998, and 1999. I have two honarble mentions,from Illiad press and two certificate of recognition from the Famous Poets Society.

Book preview

SEARCHING JODIE’S EYES

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.

Lori Justice

Copyright © 2000 by Lori Justice.

ISBN #: Softcover 0-7388-2917-X

eBook 9781462831654

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-7-XLIBRIS

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

To my father in Heaven. And to anyone still searcing May you not harden your hearts through pain but find the strength to love again. Also to my family thank you for your patients with me and the writing of this book, I love you.

INTRODUCTION

This story, is my way of breaking down the emotional barriers, that in my lifetime I had built. To hide the pain, of my past. For, behind the wall of denial, I could no longer feel or express love to anyone, and without love, I was withering, like a flower, in a vase.

Turning back the clock within. I relive and recapture the memories, trying to find within myself, the me I use to be. One who could care, and laugh and live again.

The author of this book is writing using another name, so she won’t feel the pain as much by letting the pain belong to a stranger to her which is actually her inner self.

JODIE’S EYES

SEARCHING JODIE’S EYES LIKE TWILIGHT

STARS IN SKIES

THE MYSTERY AND WONDER

THAT IS KEPT SO DEEP WITHIN

I’VE BEEN WITH HER ALL MY LIFE

ALTHOUGH WE HAVE RARELY MET

THE DEEPEST, REALIST PART OF ME

I WITH BROKEN HEART

SOMEHOW DID FORGET

I NEED TO FIND AGAIN

THAT ONE AND MAKE AMEND

SO I GO RELIVE MY PAST SEARCHING . . .

TILL I FIND THAT PART OF ME AT LAST.

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED POEMS

FEELING LIKE THERE IS NO MORE ME

UNSPREAD WINGS CAN’T FLY

MY LAST THORN

THE TEARS OF AWAKENING

A WEAK AND TREMBLING HAND

SON OR DAUGHTER

GRANDMOTHER

GIFT OF LOVE

HANDS OF WAR

I LOVE YOU

CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR GONE

WHERE BEAUTY STILL IS SEEN

These poems and more, can be found in such anthologies as:

AWAKEN TO A DREAM

BEST POEMS OF THE 90’S

FAMOUS POETS OF AMERICA

TREASURED POET’S OF AMERICA

A PANORAMA OF POETS

EXPECTATIONS

DISTINGUISHED POETS OF AMERICA

ON A THRESHOLD OF A DREAM VOL, THREE

NO ESCAPE 1989

Looking out the passenger side of his truck. I feel such a great sense of loss. But why? I have everything, that as a child, I wanted. With simple dreams of a home, and a family. So why do I still feel like something’s missing? My hands are trembling, my mind’s spinning, and I’m constantly as Jimmy says Bitching . . . I’m not pregnant again, I pray and that is the only protection I use. Because it would be bad, to have another child, since Jimmy and I seem to want less to do with one another. I guess were nearing the end of our six year relationship.

In fact, my need for escape, has become uppermost lately. I keep wondering what I’m wanting or needing, and getting more and more disgusted everyday. It’s so pretty here on his seven acres of land, there is plenty of room for the boy’s to run and play; but they too seem unhappy . . .

Jodie are you listening to me? Jimmy interrupted Jodie’s thoughts for a minute with Why are you always drifting off in space? You seem a thousand miles away.

I had no answer yet and said numbly I don’t know. But thought inwardly . . .

I spent half the day cleaning up the trailer, back to the way it was the day before, when I had worked myself to a frizzle to clean up a mess that he and his so-called friends had made, drinking beer, smoking, eating, every dish was dirty. The beer cans were strolled from one end of the trailer to the other, what respect!

NO ESCAPE 1989

I had finally got through the mess and the phone rang. It was my Mom, she said that my brother Michael was visiting, he had just came back from California on vacation. So I ask her to come pick me and the boys up so we could visit until Jimmy got off work, which would be a couple hours; she did.

It was nice seeing Michael again, it had been three years since we last seen each other. Justin was only a couple months old then and now he is three, walking, talking..

When Jimmy arrived to pick us up from Moms, he had a look of mistrust on his face. Really made me want to go home with him, Ha.

Anyway I did, the boys wanted to stay with their Aunt Maggie who was now living with Mom. Ended up being a good thing too cause Jimmy started in right off . . .

"Who all was at your Moms house today?

Where all did you go?"

On and on he went even though I had only been there for two hours.

At first, I played along answering all his questions, but so much drilling a person is too much . . . So I told him a few things How come you don’t have to answer to me or anyone for that matter. Why can’t you just trust me?

Trust you! After all you have done to me? I don’t think so. Jimmy said coldly

What have I done to you? I ask method and amazed at his words adding All I have ever done to you was love you, and beg you to marry me all my life. I finished empty.

NO ESCAPE 1989

But my thoughts continued in my diary. . .

Diary 1989

I’m twenty-three and I get treated like a child all the time, I have to ask permission to go anywhere, which usually I get told no. I feel like a prisoner, I can’t stand it anymore, I am changing and it seems Jimmy won’t let me or at least don’t want me to. The more he holds me back the more I want to leave, but it’s hard because I love him still, and I don’t want to leave forever I just want a little freedom.

I don’t know what to do, leave and find myself or stay and get number and colder everyday, I don’t want to hate him! He doesn’t even see what he is doing to me, and me being rebellious. what I’m doing to him. Nowone understands why we’re still trying to stay together.

NO FIRE

YOUR SO FAR AWAY

BUT NOT OUT OF SIGHT

WE ONCE WERE A FIRE

THAT NOW WON’T IGNITE

NO ESCAPE 1989

Diary 1989

It’s been two days since our last fight. Everything has been kind of normal between Jimmy and me, except Jimmy sleeps on the couch now and sex isn’t a part of our relationship. We used to have a great sex life, he was perfect for me. I craved him all the time, until now that is, for I can’t stand him to touch me at all.

NUMBNESS . . . SATURATED FEELINGS EVADING MY HEART AND MY SOUL TAKING AWAY THE PLACE WHERE MY LOVE FOR YOU ONCE LIVED NOW I’M JUST IN A TRANCE

The day was filled with anything and everything like ‘My icecream is smaller’ to I had that toy first! Justin wasn’t big enough to speak real clear but he kept his side of the fight with Me Pirst meaning he had it first. I cleaned the nights mess, cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, stopping occasionally throughout the day just to play with the boys. . . . the day passing away, I finally do some dishes my final chore, Not!"

Then it was time for their Dad to get home.

NO ESCAPE 1989

I was sitting on the front porch when Jimmy pulled into the driveway. When he came in I ask if I could make a fast trip to Mom’s for some aspirin, not complaining about my headache just wanting some relief. So I spoke politely as I could as I handed him his sloppy joe and fries Can I go to Mom’s

Why? Jimmy of course ask.

Because I have a bad headache I answered him.

You’re just looking for an excuse to go to your Mom’s I really wish you wouldn’t the brakes are bad on the car.

Well they sure seem fine when you need to go somewhere! I want to go! It isn’t that far to Moms, a couple miles at the most. I bellowed out.

Whatever, tear up the car. You have to have your own way! Jimmy grouched

I should by now after years of this humiliating statement Got to have my own way. Be able to come up with something less childish to say but the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them as usual . . . Yes, I do! As if I were agreeing that it was a lot to ask permission to go to my Mom’s house to borrow some aspirin. How dare me! What a spoiled brat I am to ask such a thing.

Jimmy strutted away like a little Rooster. I stormed down the hallway to get myself together.

NO ESCAPE 1989

When I looked in the mirror I saw a part of me, that I couldn’t stand. Coward! I thought to myself. If your gonna let him keep you from simply going for some aspirin when you need them what will be next? Don’t go outside or someone might see me?

I’m going whether he likes it or not.

I dressed casually, in my jeans and pink sweater, then halfway curling my bangs down and pulling the rest back. I was finished and ready to go. So as I was putting away the curling iron, Jimmy walked into the room with me and said dry toned Here. As he handed me his driver’s license and a check he added Would you go to Blackwell for me, and I’d rather you not go by your Mothers house for it’s a lot of unnesarary wear and tear on the car brakes . . . But do whatever you think!

He left the room, not waiting for an answer from me, which was good because I couldn’t help but grit my teeth with anger at his selfishness. What a jerk! It is not important that I have a headache. But it is imperative that he have his beer. I’m so sick of it. I wished I never came back to him, again it is the same old crap.

The coldness in his words made me sick to my stomach, so needing to scream but instead I followed him outside just relieved that I could get away for a little while. I’m constantly here to care for him and the boys, but no one cares for me. It must be nice. I kept my eyes from meeting his, and ask Can I have the keys so I can go?

NO ESCAPE 1989

Jimmy tossed me the keys which I caught in mid air, and told me to take one of the boys with me. I ask in a pleading voice Can’t I go by myself? I need a break.

Jimmy grumbled How am I supposed to get any work done around here with both of them here?

The same way I do, everyday, twenty-four hours a day! The confidence in my voice finally got my way.

Just Go! Jimmy yelled so I left all by myself. Feeling a little bit bad at first, with Scotty pouting, Justin at the front screen door, and Jimmy with that disappointed look on his face but man did I need the break.

Pulling out of the driveway, I gave a sigh of relief then looking quickly in the mirror, smiling to my reflection (I got my way) I tuned in the radio and the song was playing Tonight I’m going to break away just you wait and see, I’ll never be imprisoned by a faded memory.

About two miles down the road I pulled into a station for gas, pump number four unleaded. Going in to the station to make sure they would except the check before I got gas. As I walked back to the car I kept my head low and my eyes on the car, checking the tires as I walked near it making sure it would make the trip. Parked right beside me was a van with some guys in it who were making flirtatious remarks to me. I just glanced halfway at them then pumped the gas. Going back to get the change and cigs I found that they had gotten worse, whistling and saying Ooh Baby I ignored them and climbed into the car to go, it kind of made me embarrassed but also made me feel good that someone might find me to be somewhat attractive.

NO ESCAPE 1989

I only wish Jimmy found me that way, he just thinks I’m good to care for him and the boys it makes me feel like life is so unworth the while. I am so tired of feeling like a nothing. I think, but reminding myself to cheer me back up some. . . (At least, they let me know that I am not completely as ugly as I had been feeling lately.)

Pulling onto the interstate headed to Blackwell, which was about seventeen miles away. I tuned in the radio and the song was singing Lost in love And I don’t know why but I just wasn’t in the mood for that . . . Click . . . Changing the station I found the prefect song It’s my turn, with no apologies, I hope you understand this time’s just for me It’s my turn to see what I can see.

The song played on as I sang happily along it made me feel good for it was exactly how I felt inside. It was so awesome to be free to get side by side with a far-off train. I felt like it spoke of Destinies unknown to me. As if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders, momentarily anyway.

Soon I was at John’s liquor store. I went in to get a case of beer, inside two guys stared at me like they had never seen a woman before, so I gave them an almost dirty look and hurried back to the beer, then paid for it and left.

Rushing back onto the interstate, now heading East and back to Russellville. I realized (What’s my hurry, even forty miles and hour makes getting there too soon.)

NO ESCAPE 1989

Pottsville already . . . The road sign was warning me of how I was nearing Jimmy’s place my prison with iron gates, fortress from hell, emptiness, loneliness . . . Well, maybe that is going to extremes for it is actually a beautiful place. I just wasn’t ready to go back yet so I passed the get off exit. OOPS!

Ha ha Aaah . . . I finally relaxed my foot that had been like iron weights and decided to go visit Kevin’s grave.

It is springtime, the weather in the mid seventies and a perfect day in 1989.

I was sitting in the Pisgah cemetery, where the tombstone bears the name, Kevin DeWayne Hedrick, Born 1964-1982 Gone but not forgotten The words inscribed in stone, were so true. "Kevin, your the only one, who has never hurt me. I’ll never forget you . . . I love you

I miss you." I spoke like he was listening to the cold, hard ground beside me; then I looked to the sky so blue. Why do I keep hanging on to my past? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so depressed and angry all the time? In fact honestly I think I am going insane. I can’t control my emotions and I don’t understand why I keep

taking it out on Jimmy, he isn’t such a bad guy at all. In fact many people know him and like him a lot. I just feel so alone. Holding up my arms as a gesture of giving up on myself; I finished my visit.

NO ESCAPE 1989

Putting the yellow roses back in place, I turned to walk away.

Then headed back to where Jimmy was awaiting my arrival. Quickly I disguised the marks of mascara from my eyes (Feeling guilty for still loving Kevin and hiding my emotions.) Not sure or conscious of what was wrong with me; I felt the world was going on without me. My soul is cold and distant, far from me, so at least it seems. Dear God please give me eyes to see, what is hidden inside me.

God spoke to my heart these words;

"LET NOT YOUR DREAMS REST ONLY IN YOUR HEART

OPEN YOUR EYES AND MAKE A NEW START

THE TRUTH IS IN YOUR HEART

AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE"

When I returned to the trailer, Jimmy was watching television as he usually does when not working. But immediately he focused his attention on me saying angrily What took you so long? I explained that I stopped by Kevin’s grave. Jimmy became enraged saying coldly Still in love with a dead man! If he is so great why don’t you go live with him!

NO ESCAPE 1989

Don’t think I wouldn’t if I could! I screamed uncontrollably.

I know so why don’t you just leave here if it is so bad. In fact, I wish you would just go back to your Mom’s. Jimmy added.

I clamed up and went to the bedroom to pout and hide. Think ing (I know you don’t love me anymore anyways I just wished I had someway out of this stinking place . . . I am so sick of everything, I hate this whole world.)

SILENT PAIN

UNWRITTEN MEMORIES TORTURING MY MIND

NOW I’M GOING BLIND

WHAT IS IT I’M SEARCHING FOR

THIS PAIN IS MAKING MY HEART SORE

EMPTINESS, LONELINESS, TENDERNESS, LOVE

I CAN’T FIGURE IT ALL OUT

BUT IF THESE WALLS I EVER BREAK

HOW MUCH MORE LIFE CAN I TAKE

TO FEEL TO CRY I WONDER WHY

SHOULD I EVEN TRY

NO ESCAPE 1989

When the realization of what Jimmy said finally hit me, I began to sob silently. Sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the closet, fretful that I had just lately finished getting everything back in it’s rightful place, now once again having to leave.

Fine, I am not happy anyways, and this time when I get away from him; I’ll never come back again.

Then I stood up to dance. As I held my arms up high, eyes closed. I daydreamed of Kevin and it seemed so real. Another dance, my only romance; in my mind, or heart, or soul, I didn’t know.

All my life, whenever I was very sad or lonely, I would dance with Kevin’s memory and recapture the feeling of happiness and of the belief of love. Always fresh in

my mind was the aroma of him being present. I could always smell the leather of his boots, his cologne fragrance and the slight smell of a sweet cigar.

Jimmy came into the room quietly until he was near enough to see what I was doing; which was slow dancing alone but looking as if someone was indeed holding me and swaying me, the same way he’s seen before many times, the recognition was of no surprise to Jimmy.

Jimmy speaks loud to awaken Jodie’s eyes, Why don’t you clean the house up if your so bored?

NO ESCAPE 1989

I am not bored, I’m lonely and I did clean up the trailer, what do you expect a mansion out of a molehill?

Well I expect clean towels! Jimmy said coldly There are clean towels, I keep up with them as good as I can, it’s kind of hard when there are five towels for a family of four. I stated truthfully

Yeah . . . Well, I bet there’s someone who could keep up with it better than you do.

Then go find them! I screamed

Well, maybe I should. I can definitely see that you don’t want to be here. Jimmy stated

You just told me to go to my Mom’s, your the one who wants me to leave! I yelled

Your crazy. I’m leaving, I’ll be back. Jimmy said now leaving the room.

Kiss off. I said realizing how much I was being taken for granted.

Jimmy thinks he can go anywhere he wants, whenever he wants, and I have to ask permission, Well one of these days I’ll have places to go and people to see too, then we will see how he likes it, when the table turns.

NO ONE IS THERE

HERE IN THE SILENCE OF MY ROOM

THE LONELINESS SURROUNDS THE WALL AROUND MY

HEART

THE FEELING OF TEN SLEDGES HAMMERING

TEARING AT MY HEART CLOSING MY EYES SO I CAN’T SEE I WON’T LET IT GET TO ME TURN AROUND AND NO ONE’S THERE

NO ESCAPE 1989

The rest of that evening, after Jimmy got back home we didn’t speak to each other, and we’d pass each other in the hall, we would try not to touch each other.

I GUESS I’LL BE LEAVING

I guess I’ll be leaving

I’m not coming home

My hearts almost bleeding

You left me alone

I gave you a choice

freedom or me

I see what you needed

and it was not me

so I guess I’ll be leaving

I’m not coming home

my heart’s almost bleeding

ou left me alone

NO ESCAPE 1989

BLEEDING TEARS OF LONELINESS

By then my eyes were bleeding tears

So that I could see nothing

Just darkness everywhere

Oh I’m so torn up inside

I know nothing but fear

How can I change this

when the whole world

is against me

I’m all alone

Everytime I try

My world fall down on me

Making my eyes tear

So until this torture

sets me free

What’s to become of me

NO ESCAPE 1989

UNSPREAD WINGS CAN’T FLY

There is a wall around my heart

that use to was not there

Don’t mean that I don’t care, I do

But somewhere deep inside

off to stars I stare

Looking as if in need

Desperate, lonely as a weed

Growing, living, breathing still

Something seems untouched

The deepest, realist part of me

craves something more to be

There’s someone waiting

to shine bright

Is this my inner light

An angel in sweet flight

But life has caught me tight

Soon I know this all will cease

And I will feel release

NO ESCAPE 1989

THE WALLS

I’VE

BEEN

A

PRISONER

HERE

SO

LONG

SEEMS

THE

WALLS

ARE

CLOSING

IN

SILENCE

SURROUNDS

ME

LIKE

THUNDER

DEEPLY

I

SHAKE

NO ESCAPE 1989

Being lonely on top of depressed, I began rebelling against everything. I was looking for something and soon I would find it. I believed and held onto that, remaining silent to Jimmy about what was wrong. He didn’t care anyways how I felt inside, as long as I did my work around the trailer; I figured, and besides, I didn’t know myself.

So after fixing supper and carrying Jimmy, Scotty and Justin’s plates to them, in the living room. I eluded to the Dining Room where my manual typewriter was. I decided to write about my feelings so that I could try to understand my situation and my state of being.

Realizing then as I tried to write my memories that they were hard to regain, so much was blank, so many years missing. When I would concentrate I’d merely get flashes and bits and pieces. And at that, they were confusing, I couldn’t tell if some things were dreams or some things real. Nothing made sense at all, I was puzzled by my past.

What happened to me? What could make me forget or at least not be able to recall when Scotty was a baby? Where did nineteen and twenty go? For that matter twenty-one and twenty-two. It was as if a blindfold rested upon those years and for some reason now the vail was being lifted with flashes of scenes. Some of which I wish I could deny, but something tells me I have to face the truth. So I began where the pain first began. Which is the next chapter entitled First love and first tragedy.

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY 1976-1983

My mind’s eye can recall a time, when I was young and earnest to love. When no fear held me trapped with emotions locked in, alone and afraid. It was 1976, springtime

the warming of the earth conditioning many for romance, fun and adventures with nature. With me it was mostly nature, that was my companion and love. I was ten then and as I recall quite a tomboy. My favorite things were fishing with stick and string, hiking all over the yard, and animals. At this time my only pet was a white mixed terrier named Panda. I didn’t like boys at all, until that is I met Kevin. The first time I seen him was when Mom took me and my brothers to visit our new in laws; which were George and Marie Hedrick (Kevin’s Mom and Dad)

Maggie my older and only sister, had recently married their oldest son Mike.

So from Chris the youngest, Michael and Ronnie and me all climbed in the car and went to visit ; Mom drove..

When we got there, we ended up having a cook out. The grown ups worried about the cooking and all that, I just remember smelling it cooking as all us kids played a game of tag football, including Maggie and Mike who mostly tackled each other.

This is the first time I ever seen Kevin, someone had thrown the ball to me and I caught it, Kevin ran up to me and tagged me, instead of realizing where I was in the game, I was froze blushing and all. Immediately when I seen his smiling eyes of brown, and his perfect smile I developed a severe crush on him. Your out!

Kevin said laughing like a boy does when they play tag football and win. All I knew was (Man he was cute.)

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY

1976-1983

Later we all sat beneath a giant oak tree, beside their country house, at a picnic table. Everyone ate, except me, I was too shy and nervous to eat. Then the Hedrick Kinfolk band began to play some music with their guitars and the drums.

As it began to get dark, we went into the giant house. They resumed playing country songs about family and love, everyone was having a good old fashioned time; I know I was.

I was sitting on the couch, quietly watching and listening, when Marie said Kevin, why don’t you get up here and dance with Jodie? I opened my eyes wide like (who me!)

Kevin was shy for a while, but then he got brave and came over and said Wanna dance? He was so cute that even though I didn’t know how to dance, I said Yes

So we got in the middle of the living room floor I looked up into Kevin’s smiling brown eyes and told him I don’t dance good. Kevin then became more confident and said Just hold this hand like this, and this one here. He showed me and we danced together.

When they finished the song and the dance ended Kevin said playfully Thanks for the dance madam. then he bowed and we laughed. He was then twelve.

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY

Ann Murry’s song that they played and we danced to:

"I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE SONG, THEY WERE PLAYING

THE FIRST TIME WE DANCED AND I KNEW, AS WE

SWAYED TO THE

MUSIC AND HELD TO EACH OTHER, I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU

COULD I HAVE THIS DANCE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE WOULD YOU BE MY PARTNER EVERYNIGHT WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER IT FEELS SO RIGHT COULD I HAVE THIS DANCE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

I didn’t see Kevin after this very often except when I baby-sat, for my sister, so I don’t have a lot of memories of him, but . . .

Another memory I cling to is the Christmas Eve wish . . .

It was 1981 Christmas Eve . . . I made a wish on a bright and morning star in a whisper saying "God, it’s been so long since I have seen Kevin. I miss him so much, so all I want for Christmas is to see him again."

Oddly enough, being that Kevin hadn’t been to our new trailer we now lived at;

at about ten o clock Christmas morning as I was sweeping the kitchen floor, a knock came at the door. I was amazed as I opened the door and found Kevin standing there so tall smiling sweetly at me as I blushingly said Come in.

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY

1976-1983

Not knowing how to act, I tried to hide behind my sweeping the floor. Until I could gain control of my pounding heart. Knowing at first glance of Kevin that my gift from God did come. Kevin then smiled saying Your going to make someone a good wife someday.

Really! I came back looking thrilled.

Yeah, so far I’ve seen that you are good with kids, and now your cleaning. Do you cook too? Kevin ask.

I can make grilled cheese sandwiches and hamburgers I added quickly.

Not to change the subject, but when is your Mom going to let you go out with me?

Kevin asked to my surprise.

When I am sixteen! I told him enthusiastically.

Well when is that? he ask.

July the twelfth. I said wishing it were sooner.

Well, I’ll just have to look you up then. Kevin said as my heart fluttered and I blushed again.

Kevin then ask me if I could drive. I answered honestly No. Then he said

Don’t you think it’s time you learn? Then he ask if I would move his car back out of Momma’s parking spot. Saying I can’t believe she has to work on Christmas morning that is so sad.

I know. I said in agreement But I don’t know about moving your car, I am scared.

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY

1976-1983

Go ahead Jodie, you can’t hurt that old car of mine. Kevin said boosting my confidence somewhat. Then throwing me the keys, which I caught in mid air. So I went outside toward Kevin’s car, smiling as I walked then looking to the sky I thought (Thank you God for making my wish come true.)

When I got to Kevin’s car, silly as it sounds; I kissed my hand and touched his car from hood to doorknob; that I opened heart pounding nervously. As I sat behind the wheel, I took a deep breath of air, to relax. I could smell Kevin so sweetly. The smell of his cigar and the leather of his boots, his slight fragrance of cologne, I loved it.

I moved the car back and then headed back to the trailer and returned the keys to Kevin’s hand, that slightly caressed my fingers momentarily. Looking into his eyes like a teenager in love with a movie star. I said proudly I did it!

I was elated to see Kevin and to know that God answered my prayer, this assured me that day that Kevin was who I would marry someday, and we would live happily ever after. I decided. Kevin let me take a picture of him that day, I will keep it always. poem that I wrote to him is on the next page.

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY

THE PHOTOGRAPH

Held captive but a moment

But the moment still lasts

The look inside your eyes and mine

Forever in my heart

A moment that is past

Though I treasure it

when days go by to fast

Lingering in the love

that was one moment ago just past

Nice to see you again

At last

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY

1976-1983

Talk about heart pounding, Kevin then ask me if I wanted to sit by him on the couch, and see what he got for Christmas. It was a Rubic’s cube. We sat so close to each other, I could smell the sweet aroma of him. After we played with the cube for awhile, he reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a cassette tape, saying Here I want you to have this for Christmas.

But I haven’t got anything for you. I said sad of the fact.

Kevin took my hand that was shaking into his own, curling his thumb into my slightly sweaty palm . . . and said I don’t need anything, all I hope is that you like the songs and maybe when you play it you can think of me when you play it.

Oh, I will and I do like it. Thanks Kevin.

Later Kevin left. I played the tape over and over, until and after everyone was sick of hearing it. One of the songs was" SAD EYES TURN THE OTHER WAY

I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU CRY SAD EYES YOU KNEW THERE’D COME A DAY WHEN WE WOULD HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE."

Another song was I WANT TO KISS YOU ALL OVER AND OVER AGAIN:

I never knew what song he meant for me to think about him, but all of them made me think about him, of course I hoped the latter.

Months passed that I didn’t see Kevin. After many poems and songs and wishful thinking. I began to go along with the changes in my life. Still waiting for our first date.

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY

1976-1983

Little did I know that fate knew, that date would never happen . . . For Kevin got in a bad accident.

Diary notes: October 1982

I found out yesterday, I was in History class hiding my Harlequin romance novel behind my history book (That was very likely upside down, for all I knew) This is weird but as I sat daydreaming, a vision of Kevin, walked into the classroom. I hollered out to everyone (I thought) Hey this is Kevin, the boy I love! Kevin then telepathically spoke across the room for me to come with him, then he said Don’t worry they can’t see or hear us.

So I went with him . . . As we walked down the hallway of the school, I noticed that each locker and everything was as it really was. Making me realize, this was a very different and unusual type of daydream; it seemed so real, as if time stood still and Kevin and I were the only ones not froze into reality.

I was awakened from this all so real daydream, by the overcome, in our class calling me to come to the office. I got up and took my books and headed to the office scared to death that I was in some sort of trouble for not paying attention in class.

When I entered the office, Maggie was there to pick me up early. Of course I was glad, but ask her Why. She did not answer, she changed the subject with Mom’s out in the car waiting so hurry and get your stuff from your locker you need and let’s go. So I did.

FIRST LOVE AND FIRST TRAGEDY

1976-1983

Diary October 1982

When we were outside and I got into the back seat; I ask again Why did I get to get out of school early? Mom then said We will tell you when we get home.

The seriousness in her