Punning for Your Life: An Infectious Collection of Pun-Demonium

By Jean Castillo and Theodore A. Brett

Punning for your Life: An Infectious Collection of Pun-demonium comprises over 100 short short stories all of which conclude in an outrageous pun, an outrageous play on words. Verbal gymnastics, twists, and turns are at play here as the author spans time and distance, history and geography, to present wonderfully clever linguistic gyrations certain to amuse and amaze. Ranging from China to the Bermuda Triangle to Europe even to outer space, Punning for your Life covers the globe. Historical figures from Marco Polo to the Rolling Stones appear here. Punning for your Life: An Infectious Collection of Pun-demonium is certain to entertain, enthrall, and amaze all who delve into its punderful wonders and experience the incredible sounds of the English language.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 22, 2002
• ISBN: 9781462818150

Jean Castillo

Ted Brett was born in New York and now lives in Gilroy, California. His first book of puns, Don't Book a Judge by his Cover: A Collection of the World’s Most Outrageous Puns, enjoyed great success when it was published in 1990. Brett teachers English at Evergreen Valley College in San Jose, California, and Gavilan College in Gilroy, California. Favorite activities include traveling and photography. Favorite interests include European painting and reading modern literature and biography. One particular passion is skepticism and debunking cultural myths and mind-strangling dogmatism. His greatest passion is his children, Page and Jeremy, and a new member of the family, his grandson, Brett. That he loves Jean Castillo is unquesioned, and he revels in her love for him.

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Copyright © 2002 by Theodore A. Brett.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

Introduction

Digestive Tract

I Cannot Tell A Lie

No Future In Stamp Collecting

French Femme Fatale

Shaving Kitsch

A Dockside Shortage

Tinkering Around With Chinese Cooking

Cats As Cats Can

Joseph In The Promised Land

A Florid Tale

One Man’s Oyster

A Joint Undertaking

Reeking Havoc

Why? O Why? O Why?

Bowls And Arrows

Utter Nunsense

Out Of The Game

Juan For The Birds

A Dogged Tale

The Spice Of Life

Cattle Crossing

A Brush With A Sage

Traveling Dentist

Not A Leg To Stand On

A Basket Case

Military Strategy

A Loan, So All A Loan

A Tour Of The Ural Mountains

A Loophole In The Justice System

The Sins Of The Fathers …

Name That Tune

Freeze Samples

Undressing

Stoned Anthropologists

A Dollar A Day

An Alaskan Spectacle

Strike Up The Band

Away From Home On The Range

Mozart Revisited

Unbearable

Keeping Abreast Of Events

A Magical Misery Tour

Separated At Birth

The Breath Of Life

Shrimp Scampering

Supercalafragi … Something

Home For The Holidays

An All-Encompassing Story

Wooden You Know It

Business As Usual

The Vicar And The Shaman

The Sick Chicken

A Tale Of The Sea

Plumbing The Depths

East Is East And West Is West

A Case Of Identities

The New School Fight Song

No Cutting Remarks

A Novice Olympian

Spreading Oneself Too Thin

A Modern Hymn

A New Twist On Greek History

Don’t Be A Hog

Bucolic Aromas

A Tale From The Old Sod

The Great Fish Cook-Off

A New Breed Of Animal Husbandry

The Assistant Carpenter

The Ties That Bind

Leif Well Enough Alone

Economic Recovery

Furious Shopping

Wedding Bell Blues

Cooked By The Sun

Begging For A Chance

A Firecracker Of A Story

Intensive Care

Try To Weevil Out Of This One

By The Light Of The Silvery Moon

Tile And All

Olympic Doings

Indian Giving

The Imperfect Martini

A Strange Phobia

Hungry For Men

Surf’s Up

The Call To Prayer

The Play’s The Thing

Sticks And Stones

On The Waterfront

Mark, My Words

A Wry Twist

Hail From The Chiefs

Victorian Vamp

Writer’s Block

Crying In One’s Beer

A Dark Tale From Eastern Europe

Russian Around

Skirting The Issue

The Old Grey Mare

Strange Pet Fellows

The French Are In Seine

When The Swallows Return

Playing

Queen Of All She Surveys

Locks And Keys

Oh, How The Mighty Have Fallen

The Socio-Cultural Milieu

Just Say Cheese

He’s Everywhere! He’s Everywhere!

Lyin’ In Wait

Can You Cotton To This One?

Urning One’s Keep

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to Jean, whose zeal, passion, and dedication to making this volume as excellent as possible surpassed even my own. Her brilliant creativity, professional contributions, and tireless work brought this work to fruition. Were it not for her, this book would not be.

INTRODUCTION

Puns have delighted and frustrated people forever it seems. For as long as I can remember, puns have been described as groaners. I believe that word is to be taken in only a positive sense. Groaning need not only be painful. When a person hears a good pun, that person’s reactions consist of groans of pleasure—much like the groans of lovemaking. Groans of pain? Well, those are reserved for the uninitiated, those not blessed with an appreciation for the wonders of the English language, the wonders of sounds, the wonders that the exquisite combinations of words and letters and sounds produce. One of my most delightful sources of punderful amusement is an Internet pun list called Profusions of Gaggles of Groaners. Stan Kegel, the southern Californian cardiologist who compiles and edits this remarkable communication, knows how to get to the heart of the pun. This alliterative Pun line thrills and delights even the most accomplished punsters: Stan Kegel, Richard Lederer, Alan Combs, and others.

Puns have lived forever. I can imagine even God groaning as early as the first discussions in the Garden of Eden. When Eve tempted Adam with an apple, Adam very likely replied, I’ll bite. Perhaps the real reason Adam and Eve were thrown out of the

Garden of Eden had little to do with apples, snakes, fig leaves, and disobedience—perhaps it was merely Adam’s linguistic versatility. If God had had a sense of humor and appreciation for brilliant wordplay, we’d be in paradise still.

Puns have an honored history. In this book, Punning for your Life: An Infectious Collection of Pun-demonium, readers will encounter any number of assorted historical personages, all participants in the art of the pun. Explorers Marco Polo and Leif Erikson, statesmen George Washington and Robespierre, and literary legends such as William Tell and Dracula appear in this collection. Athletes as diverse as Ty Cobb and Picabo Street, creative geniuses like Mark Twain and Mozart, world leaders like Nehru, Queen Victoria, and Pope John Paul II all have their individual contributions to make here. Whether it’s Czar Nicholas II or Doris Day, whether it’s Cole Porter or the Rolling Stones, whether it’s various gods like Bacchus, Janus, or Ceres, puns recognize neither fact nor fiction, low born or royalty, world leader or peasant.

Enjoy the linguistic gyrations of these stories, appreciate the creative genius, perhaps flawed, that concocted these verbal wonders, and share the delightful journey through these plays on words. When you groan and moan, I’ll know it’s in delight and pleasure, not pain.

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DIGESTIVE TRACT

Advances in medicine come from a variety of surprising sources. Many of us know that the tropical rain forests of South and Central America contain plants that have yielded remarkable drugs and medicines. Some of these medicines have come from unlikely and surprising sources.

A famous clinic in Brazil specialized in treating disorders of the digestive system, particularly constipation problems. People from all over the world with constipation problems eventually found their way to this famous clinic in Rio to be treated with an amazing new drug that eased constipation woes. Incredibly, this drug did not come from any rare or exotic plants, roots, or flowers. Rather, this miracle drug was simply derived from the leaves of local palm trees which grew in abundance throughout Brazil and much of the tropics.

One man, who had been plagued with digestive and constipation problems his entire life, had taken every known drug and medicine designed to cure this problem. He finally discovered this wonderful clinic and its equally wonderful treatment through the application of palm leaves. Upon completing his successful treatment, he was heard to exclaim, With fronds like these, who needs enemas.

I CANNOT TELL A LIE

Many historians are unaware of a little-known aspect of American history involving George Washington. The Father of our Country became an almost apocryphal figure, and people know a lot of the stories and myths surrounding George Washington. We remember the story of his supposedly throwing a silver dollar across the Potomac River. We remember other stories about young George’s penchant for always telling the truth. But few people or even historians know the story of another incident in George’s youth that helped cement his reputation for honesty.

George’s father was more than a planter in Colonial Virginia. He was also a collector of colonial artifacts. He was famous for his collection of wooden Indians. In fact, his collection was famous in the Colonies. Young George, intent on sharpening his skills with the hatchet, went into the large room where his father kept his collection of valuable, hand-carved Indian figures and proceeded to chop them to pieces.

When George’s father saw the damage that George had hewn with his axe, he confronted him.

George, he asked, are you responsible for this?

I cannot tell a lie, father, he answered. I cut down your Cherokees.

NO FUTURE IN STAMP COLLECTING

Every parent wants his or her child to develop a wide range of interests. In addition to doing well in school, obviously, a young adult’s interests often pave the way for future careers. One enthusiastic