Pond Life: Amphibians and Human

By Patrick Nafzger

What is going on in this prosperous neighbourhood known as Hampstead Heath? Here you will find a rare corner of the London metropolis still retaining its village and leafy atmosphere.
Even the small detached and semi-detached houses ran into a ton of money and apartments achieved millions. Just when you thought the property prices spiked; up they would Blooming go again.
Quaintness and tranquility attracts and areas such as Wimbledon, Barnes, Dulwich, Greenwich, Richmond, and the like were no competition for Hampstead Heath; they were knocked into a cocked-hat when it came to the wealth department. Hampstead was in a league of its own. Here pockets of affluence abound; a small area of London which arguably boasts some of the most expensive houses in the world.
A picturesque semi- rural district steeped in history and peppered with grand mansions occupied by wealthy Widows, bankers, Jewellers, stuck up pompous fat cats and Arab owned Mansions rarely occupied; and they are rich, filthy rich. Ornate Huge Wrought iron gates, intricate facades and security systems ruled the architectural eye. Amidst this rural jewel in London's crown various ponds were scattered around and one stood out, a large pond commonly known as Hampstead Pond.
The Pond held no pretentiousness and the rich and poor locals of the Hampstead community thrived in its tranquil atmosphere. Sunday, often described as the proverbial day of rest, and to some their only day off. That's the preferred day they would come and enjoy the activities the pond afforded. One such family are the Jones's, this particular family occupied without doubt the largest house in Hampstead, built on the largest plot and without doubt boasting the largest price tag and incidentally the Jones's attracted the largest amount of curiosity.
The Joneses are not ya typical family, quirky, weird unique? I'll leave it up to you to decide; let you be the judge so to speak. The Jones extraordinary twins Johnny and Jennifer had special abilities and were maturing rapidly, far more rapidly than your average teenager.
They were approaching their seventeenth birthday, that's when mysterious forces kicked in and put a whole new meaning to the term coming of age.
There is a certain intrigue about the Jones's; people accused them of flaunting and showing off, but they definitely were not.
The father Jack Jones has passed on genes of a weird and wonderful kind. The twins brain capacity far exceeded those of a similar age.
For this reason, they were exempt from school and studied at home.
They are a rough and ready family, Jack is a staunch Atheist and blasphemed, this habit rubbed off onto the rest of his family which in turn rubbed off onto those who mixed in their circles; including animals.
Money is no object and there was no room for political correctness in the Jones household. Yes, they cursed with the best of them, blatantly unaware that they attracted puzzled looks and stares where ever they went.
Strangely enough everyone wanted to become friendly with the Joneses, but frightened off by false rumours, accusations and gossip; the few friends they had were pleasantly surprised when discovering their secrets.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 14, 2017
• ISBN: 9781543920185

Book preview

FIFTY-SIX

PROLOGUE

What is going on in this prosperous neighbourhood known as Hampstead Heath? Here you will find a rare corner of the London metropolis still retaining its village and leafy atmosphere.

Even the small detached and semi-detached houses ran into a ton of money and apartments achieved millions. Just when you thought the property prices spiked; up they would Blooming go again.

Quaintness and tranquillity attracts and areas such as Wimbledon, Barnes, Dulwich, Greenwich, Richmond, and the like were no competition for Hampstead Heath; they were knocked into a cocked-hat when it came to the wealth department. Hampstead was in a league of its own. Here pockets of affluence abound; a small area of London which arguably boasts some of the most expensive houses in the world.

A picturesque semi- rural district steeped in history and peppered with grand mansions occupied by wealthy Widows, bankers, Jewellers, stuck up pompous fat cats and Arab owned Mansions rarely occupied; and they are rich, filthy rich.

Ornate Huge Wrought iron gates, intricate facades and security systems ruled the architectural eye. Amidst this rural jewel in London’s crown various ponds were scattered around and one stood out, a large pond commonly known as Hampstead Pond.

The Pond held no pretentiousness and the rich and poor locals of the Hampstead community thrived in its tranquil atmosphere. Sunday, often described as the proverbial day of rest, and to some their only day off.

That’s the preferred day they would come and enjoy the activities the pond afforded.

One such family are the Jones’s, this particular family occupied without doubt the largest house in Hampstead, built on the largest plot and without doubt boasting the largest price tag and incidentally the

Jones’s attracted the largest amount of curiosity.

The Joneses are not ya typical family, quirky, weird unique? I’ll leave it up to you to decide; let you be the judge so to speak. The Jones extraordinary twins Johnny and Jennifer had special abilities and were maturing rapidly, far more rapidly than your average teenager.

They were approaching their seventeenth birthday, that’s when mysterious forces kicked in and put a whole new meaning to the term coming of age.

There is a certain intrigue about the Joneses; people accused them of flaunting and showing off, but they definitely were not.

The father Jack Jones has passed on genes of a weird and wonderful kind. The twins brain capacity far exceeded those of a similar age.

For this reason, they were exempt from school and studied at home.

They are a rough and ready family, Jack is a staunch Atheist and blasphemed, this habit rubbed off onto the rest of his family which in turn rubbed off onto those who mixed in their circles; including animals.

Money is no object and there was no room for political correctness in the Jones household. Yes, they cursed with the best of them, blatantly unaware that they attracted puzzled looks and stares where ever they went.

Strangely enough everyone wanted to become friendly with the Joneses, but frightened off by false rumours, accusations and gossip; the few friends they had were pleasantly surprised when discovering their secrets.

CHAPTER-ONE

June 7th

Wormwood Scrubs Prison

There was a commotion; Sirens blared and added to the confusion erupting from the filled cell block, something big was going down in the prison aisles. Mind you something big is always going down in the Scrubs.

Two new inmates Ponytail and Blackhead were in deep conversation.

The conversation came to a dramatic halt as Ponytail caught sight of a team of Paramedics pushing a Gurney along the prison aisle. He nudged Blackhead, Shit what the hell’s going on?

Huh I’m blowed if I know, let’s go check it out. They raced to the aisle just in time to catch a glimpse of a very gruesome sight, they stared transfixed. A man lay face up; covered in a white sheet his legs flayed and he yelled out in agony, the pain etched on his face.

The pure white sheet was no match for containing the dark red blood stain blossoming around the man’s crutch area. Ponytail attempted to make an inquiry, no chance of that as the gurney along with its entourage whizzed by.

They exchanged glances and scratched their heads in bewilderment as they ambled back to their accommodation, which was an almost bare twelve by six cell; there was always a faint smell of stale urine lingering in the air and the aroma of the last crap.

Throw in the dim lights and painted brick and it wouldn’t look out of place in a modern art museum, something Tracey Emin might have drummed up.

It was sparse; two bunk beds and not much else but stale rancid air, they returned to their conversation, which revolved around revenge.

It had only been a week since they were tried convicted and jailed and already there were plenty of other villains inside sniffing around them like flies around a turd willing to cooperate in a potential sinister money making plot; villains inside who had contacts with villains outside. For the right money there were no limitations to the extent of crimes these ex-jailbirds were willing to execute.

Ponytail held a vehement hatred in his heart directed at two particular families being the Joneses and the Clogs.

……He spoke with venom I’ve got a meet with Terry laid on later today in the laundry room. Blackhead sat up, eyebrows raised, what THE Terry Alfonso?

Yes THE Terry Alfonso. Blackhead shot him a very discerning look.

He’s notorious are you sure you wonna mix it with him, don’t you think you’re becoming over obsessive about this revenge gig?

Ponytail turned blood red and stood up, veins pulsating on his temples exacerbating his anger. Don’t you bloody-well start telling me what I am and what I’m not? Of course I’m obsessive, I wonna get my own back on the arsholes that put us in this shit hole.

Blackheads voice faltered. Okay okay, I just thought taking revenge on the Joneses straight away may not be a good idea, fingers will point at you.

Nah I’m not gonna let those wankers get away with it, revenge is revenge what other type of revenge is there?

They say it’s a dish served better cold. Ponytail turned and poked Blackhead in the chest; twice.

They, blooming they he repeated!

Who the blooming-hell is they when they’re at home. Whoever they are sod-em. Blackhead backed down.

Okay if you’re sure?

Yes I’m sure, bloody sure. Alfonso’s reputation is second to none failure with him aint an option. I can’t afford screw-ups; I’m done with screw-ups. He grinned wickedly, we got one shot at this and word on the street is that Alfonso can deliver.

Blackhead looked doubtful; reluctant and had big no no’s haunting his brain, this is getting out of hand he thought, but he was sucked in like a Strawberry Daiquiri through a straw of the large circumference variety and saw no way out. He was nervous and compelled to ask.

What you got planned?

Something very clever, direct contact with the Joneses must be avoided at all bleeding cost, so we involve that freaky little Shih Tzu dog of theirs.

Huh the dog said a puzzled Blackhead, why the dog, I can’t see where involving their dog is going to get us anywhere?

Ponytail shot Blackhead a wry grin, "well you wouldn’t shit for brains that’s why I’m the one that’s calling the shots. You know what they say, a dog is part of the family, man’s best friend and all that bollocks, they love that dog and I plan to have him kidnapped and hold it to ransom.

The Joneses judging by the house they live in and its contents, the Roller they drive about in; and more importantly the Jewellery the Mrs’s wears, they are caked up with money and their wealth will be the carrot I dangle in front of Alfonso. I am willing to share a slice of that ransom money with whoever cooperates, and I Don’t see Terry Alfonso turning down a fortune. When you say a fortune what we talking about here?" Ponytail clenched his fist and punched the palm of his hand.

Boom…… A straight forward one million, he waited for Blackheads response. There was a sharp intake of breath.

Phew! Flipping big dough, a ton of money.

Yeah a ton of bloody money and for what, just kidnapping a poxy little dog, a piece of cake in comparison to the crimes Alfonso has committed. I’m sure he has someone on the outside that can handle it, it aint exactly rocket science. Rumour has it he’s feeding the beast. What do-ya mean feeding the beast?

"What I mean dip-shit is he is controlling and supplying the City boys and pretty boys with Columbian Marching Powder.

Word has it he has an insider, guy by the name of Dupont that’s got half of London sewn up. If he can control that from in here I’m bloody sure he can handle the kidnapping of a dog. Be assured, it’s just a matter of time: we’re gonna get our own back on those Jones’s for putting us in this shit hole of a prison."

Blackhead drew in a breath of course but we must also consider there is someone above Alfonso who he may want to confer with.

Hmm you’re right; you’ve just shown a rare spark of intelligence. There is definitely someone above Alfonso but I think Alfonso will want this deal to himself. A million cut two ways represents a ton of money to us, but to whoever is above Alfonso this is chicken feed to them.

Ponytail was still proudly digesting his partner’s remark about him showing a spark of intelligence and he expressed a sense of smugness and relief; he appeared more relaxed. No violence, no Humans involved; just a small dog he thought no real risks and big money involved. Ponytail nudged him for a response.

Whad-ya reckon?

……. Blackhead was now convinced.

Absolutely brilliant was his response. Good I’ll brief him with details of the Joneses house, the layout, the places they frequent and their habits regarding the dog. There must be only one Albino Shih Tzu dog knocking around they would have to be idiots not to spot it.

A few boring hours passed and Ponytail rose from his bunk and walked over to a brown stained sink and swished his face with cold water. He was on cleaning duties and arranged to meet Terry Alfonso in the laundry room.

He didn’t want to keep him waiting.

Briskly exiting his cell, he headed to the laundry room. There was a row of Industrial looking washing machines. Large rolling containers were being filled with dirty prison uniforms and others being emptied. In all about a dozen prisoners were milling around loading and unloading various washing machines. Most of the inmates stood out a mile as nasty pieces of work, muscles and tattoos were prominent.

Ponytail thought the inmates looked menacing and he didn’t know what to expect from the notorious Terry Alfonso. Word had it that he was a legend within the criminal fraternity.

He stood in silence and was anxious. A voice suddenly emanated from behind a toilet block, oy, over here. It was an inmate beckoning Ponytail to follow him.

You’re the one who’s got a meet with Terry yes?

Yes.

You beware of him mate; you know what his nick name is Don’t-ya? Ponytail glanced clueless and warily at the inmate, nah I Don’t what is it? …… The Castrator. sod me yelped Ponytail. How’d he get that name? Rumour has it that if anyone messes with him, he slices their cock with that lethal fingernail of his. Ponytail was inquisitive. Lethal finger nail wos that all about?"

Don’t mess with him is all I’m saying.

I’m safe then, cos the last thing I would want to do is rile him. Alfonso’s a frikin lunatic, a nutter, his lift Don’t go all the way to the top, hear what I’m saying, a fanatic; he sticks to a strict high calcium diet Cheese etc. and a daily supplement of calcium pills. This he does to retain the strength in that frekin fingernail of his. And get this; the inmate waggled his index finger he does a one fingered exercise for strength and maximum results." Ponytail shrugged.

What does he sharpen it on; a bloody honing wheel, he paused…… why doesn’t he use a knife like any normal psychopath."

The inmate shrugged coz normal and him don’t come in the same sentence, he’s a sadist. Ponytail shot him a sarcastic smirk. Well thanks for that bit of information; it’s given me a right frikin confidence boost.

From what seemed out of nowhere Terry Alfonso appeared as if a magician pulled him out of a hat, his movements were stealth; Ponytail was surprised, shocked even; he breathed a sigh of relief, stood before him was a smallish man, must be about fortyish thought Ponytail.

He was about five ten; his sleeves were rolled up exposing defined veiny muscled forearms, wiry in appearance with Longish black wavy hair. But it was the face that Ponytail concentrated on; this man wouldn’t have even stood out in a crowd, your average man next door except for his eyes, they were sinister.

Ponytail was thankful for small mercies as musclebound oaths put the fear of god in him but Alfonso was small framed and as long as he didn’t look into Alfonso’s eyes, he felt relatively safe.

He all of a sudden felt a confidence boost but that didn’t last. he glanced down to Alfonso’s right hand and saw the one long fingernail, his bowels loosened, his back stiffened and he broke out in a cold sweat, a chill ran up his spine. He had a flashback to the man on the gurney screaming with agony and his three-piece suit covered in blood.

Alfonso knew he was getting a once over, he shot Ponytail a menacing look; more accurately a hideous glance why the frekin surprised look?

I’m sorry but, umm err but it wasn’t what I was expecting, I expected to see a towering six foot six musclebound bald headed hulk. Alfonso pounced into Ponytails personal space, he stood toe to toe face to face; He was angry and Ponytail could feel the heat emanating from Alfonso’s red and sweating pores.

I’ll warn you once and once only replied an icy eyed Alfonso. Do not judge a book by its cover, you got that? Ponytail stammered and couldn’t look him in the eye, he hesitated about replying. I said you got that capiche. Yelled Alfonso in a slight Italian accent.

The raised voice turned heads, an inmate muttered to another, bloody-hell he doesn’t wonna get on the wrong side of him.

…… Yes, yes err…… I got that said Ponytail, who was now noticeably shaking. Alfonso may have looked like the average man next door but so do serial killers; there was something of the night something dark about Alfonso and when he was angry it was like a furnace being ignited.

Okay spit it out, he said splashing saliva I aint got all Blooming day, word has it you got a money making proposition for me.

Yes Terry I can make us both very rich men.

Oh yeah how so arsehole?

He gestured to a small inlet behind the toilets; step over here he pointed out of ear shot of those nosey Gits.

Ponytail proceeded to explain the clashes he had with two particular families, the Clogs and the Joneses. He then went on to explain the wealth portrayed by the Jones family and that it was Jack Jones that got him and Blackhead banged up.

Continuing on he then informed him of their Shih Tzu dog which was Albino.

By the time Ponytail finished Alfonso was beginning to think this guy is a nutter a sodding maniac. He drew closer and his icy eyes glared, he was within two inches of Ponytails face. Are you winding me up or what? Are you frekin sure they shouldn’t have put you away in a bloody looney bin instead of here, what you’re telling me, you couldn’t make it up?"

Ponytail backed up away from Alfonso, first to escape the foul sweaty body odour; but more importantly to get the hell out of striking distance of that Blooming fingernail. He stammered, scuffled and scoffed, he was scared shitless and made a more concerted effort to fully explain. He coughed ahem that’s precisely it Terry, you couldn’t make it up, no exaggeration this Jones family are like something out of a Stan Lee comic book but what I’ve told you is true, straight up I wouldn’t piss you about.

Alfonso returned to a modicum of calmness. So in a nutshell what you want me to do is arrange a kidnapping, or more appropriate a frekin dognapping and we stand to gain half a million quid each, mm! Sounds iffy are you sure?

Yes I’m sure and when the jobs done I can arrange for my half to be transferred into one of my relations bank account sitting there waiting for me, you know; comfortability for when I get out of this shithole.

Alfonso raised his hand with his jutting pointed index finger.

You’d better not be getting me at it and taking me for jerk, I have a reputation to maintain and if I contact my people on the outside and arrange things and then find out that what you’re telling me is Bullshit and I lose face, you’ll lose your bloody face literally. You got that? Ponytails heart raced and his legs trembled.

Yes……I got that.

Now piss off back to your cell and leave things to me. Ponytail walked off, a thought flashed through his mind, he suddenly turned, Just a reminder Mr. Alfonso, an important reminder; remember Don’t antagonise Johnny.

Johnny! He paused Johnny who the hells Johnny?

The Joneses son, Don’t mess with him or mix it with him in any way shape or form or you’ll end up in hospital A&E.

Alfonso cast a bemused look a condescending look and was losing patience, I’ll disregard that remark; now piss off.

……Terry Alfonso was no mug; as much as he took the piss out of Ponytail his plan grabbed his curiosity and appealed to him. He wasted no time and was soon on the case; he got word out to his outside collaborates, hoods, villains professing their specialty’s in crime, all vying for a chance to pull off what on the surface looked like an easy job; a dognapping and getting a cut of the proceeds.

Alfonso already had a couple of guys in mind to carry out the dognapping, and after various discussions and the process of elimination Terry Alfonso chose a specialty stake out mob to do a twenty-four seven surveillances over the Joneses.

During that period the Joneses would be covertly followed initially to verify that ponytail was up front and to bear out what he said. Because if all was above board and what was said to Alfonso was true; then the plan he thought had potential. His outside men worked methodically and quickly, and within days he received a smuggled in report which read.

1/Joneses House……Spectacular

2/Car driven……Navy Blue Rolls Royce latest model

3/The Dog…Ugly little bastard an Albino Shih Tzu and appears to be the centre of attraction

4/The son Johnny……wimpish and represents no threat

5/Jack Jones……Can use his self in a fight, odd ball something definitely odd about him.

6/Jessica Jones……Normal Housewife

7/Jennifer the daughter is totally preoccupied with pond life and appears to be chatting with animals.

8/Kidnapping / dognapping the dog represents no problem as often seen walking with daughter to local neighbour’s house Overall opinion as for money they are Blooming rolling in it. This will spike as one of the easiest heists on a crime meter, its a cinch, go for it. I’m awaiting the go ahead.

Terry Alfonso read the report and scratched his head. Wonders will never flippin cease he said to himself, that arsehole with the ponytail was telling the flippin truth.

Visitor’s day came; all it took was one crooked guy from the outside to visit. A very elated Alfonso issued written coded instructions for the dog-napping to go ahead.

Wormwood Scrubs, the Stir is stirring as a Gurney races by.

A bloody crutch that pained so much you could tell as the man on it let out a cry.

Terry Alfonso meets Ponytail to hear of his simple caper.

Ponytail meets Terry Alfonso, nearly shits himself and is in need of toilet paper.

A long deadly fingernail coupled with a wicked reputation.

But what Ponytail has to say holds Alfonso’s concentration.

All he had to do was await the relevant information.

Twenty-four hours passed and then he received the confirmation.

Orders are issued to local villains on the outside.

A million-pound Blooming Roller Coaster they were all about to ride.

CHAPTER TWO

One month earlier. Leading up to the dog-napping

It was a typical Sunday morning; a sense of leisure, a day of rest. There was a gentle breeze and not a cloud in the sky. The sun shone down on this picturesque corner of North West London and tucked away in the corner of this corner was a pond.

All was as it should be here on the Heath, Hampstead Heath to be exact. Birds sang, church bells rang and the hiss of traffic could be heard in the distance. A cacophony of sounds filled the air; Ducks were Quacking, cricket bats were whacking, and kites were stacking, children’s joyous laughter rang out as they fidgeted with excitement whilst queuing for Candy Floss and Toffee Apples.

Even louder shrills of joy and excitement could be heard while another queue of little ones formed over at the Donkey ride.

The whole area was plumed with the unmistakable aroma of sizzling Hotdogs, burgers and onions drifting in the air as yet another queue formed, not children but hungry salivating Dads. Dogs barked as they checked each other out and chased each other while others fetched sticks. On the peripheral Frisbee’s took to the air, Joggers Jogged and teenagers zigzagged on skateboards and roller skates.

……Life was teeming around this pond; Prams were pushed, toddles struggled with their first few steps as proud Mums and Dads looked on. Elderly couples occupied the park benches contentedly drinking tea and coffee from their flasks and probably reminiscing. A few young couples intermingled, holding hands taking selfies and stealing the occasional kiss; generations opening and closing and family life at its best.

As the sun highlighted silver ripples flowing across the ponds surface, a different family life was also going on; not above but below the ponds surface.

In fact, family life was also teeming with all manner of species, from the tiniest particles of Algae to the largest Koi Carp.

……Around the ponds edge there was one particular family that we will learn more about. The Joneses, there was Dad Jack Jones, Mum Jessica Jones, and the twins Johnny Jones and Jennifer Jones, last but not least Jim Jones their little Albino Shih Tzu dog. He was ugly but in a cute way. Unfortunately, his eyesight wasn’t good and every now and then he bumped into things. His coat was brilliant white, long and well groomed, every other feature was a glowing Albino pink and this drew attention, attracted pampering and tummy rubs which Shih Tzu Jim loved. But inwardly he had an inferiority complex because he was self-conscious, an albino with iffy eye sight.

……Jennifer was approaching seventeen years old, she had a cute face almost doll like, a button nose slightly turned up, her blond hair was swept back into a pony tail kept in place with an elastic band and decorated with a bright red ribbon.

Don’t let her appearance fool you. She is experiencing changes of a metabolic kind. She took after her dad in the effin and blinding department. She was a tease and oozed confidence and was a happiness spreader. She was not at all fashion conscious and Dungarees in her mind were quite adequate, she had many pairs of assorted colours, she was quite the cutest little Tomboy in Town.

……Johnny Jones was older than his twin sister by one hour and twenty minutes and considered himself Jennifer’s big brother. His along with his sister’s seventeenth birthdays was only weeks away and firsts for him were happening thick and fast, he also was undergoing changes of a metabolic kind. He had a thick head of fair hair with a Beatles haircut and a very round face almost circular.

His nose was exactly the same turned up nose as Jennifer. Johnny was laid back in a James Dean sort of way, a baseball cap turned back to front, jeans and Tee shirt was his chosen attire. He had an aura about him and appeared dishevelled in a nice sort of way. Johnny was the joker, the wit and master of puns. He kept secrets.

The mother Jessica Jones was an attractive woman, a little north of slim with high cheek bones, colour of the month hair and that same old turned up nose. Jessica Jones liked to shop and would take Shih Tzu Jim everywhere she went.

She refrained from swearing and fought a losing battle in trying to get the rest of the family to watch their language. Her weakness was bad dress taste and a fascination for nice jewellery; she always said that if you’re wearing nice jewellery you’ll look good in anything.

As a consequence, her disastrous taste in anything besides jewellery never lived up to public expectations, but she thought she looked good so it didn’t really matter. Whenever she wore her Jewellery she was out to impress her family, especially her husband jack.

She devised a series of moves in order to make statements in an effort to attract Jacks eye. In one swift manoeuvre she flicked her head so that her platinum earrings dangled, then fondle her diamond necklace which drew Jacks eyes to her cleavage, she would then peer down to her white gold bracelet and Platinum rings. She had one distinguishing fault; she made a mistake on a daily basis, and the majority of the mistakes she made revolved around food and domesticity’s, she also kept secrets.

Dad Jack Jones was a very tall wiry man, muscular sinewy and well fit. His rugged face bordered on handsome with a not so turned up nose and he was bald as a Blooming badger.

He was the king pin, an ardent Atheist so cursing came Blooming easy to him and he set standards which his family automatically mirrored.

Straight away I must point out that he has an extremely bad memory, let me rephrase that; he has an abnormal, chronic memory disorder. In other word’s his memory was all over the Blooming place, sometimes exceptional and one hundred percent pure clarity; other times non-Blooming-existent.

He loved background music, ballads and the old Crooners such as Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, Scot Walker, Sammy Davis, Dean Martin, Matt Monroe, Johnny Mathis and the likes served to soothe his forgetful mind.

But by far Johnny Mathis was his idol; Jacks opinion was the Johnny Mathis had a voice of pure velvet and a perfect delivery. Johnny Mathis an ex-Olympic athlete who turned entertainer; Jack naturally named his son after him. My overall opinion was that he was reminiscent of a down to earth rough and ready eccentric; on the surface a tweed jacket nerd; but his family and friends knew different.

He broke wind whenever he laughed, for this reason the Joneses would refrain from amusing him when in enclosed spaces.

His favourite thing to wear was any hat that would cover, or should I say hide his bald head? He collected his prize hats like woman collect handbags. It was Dad Jack Jones who named the children and wished he had not.

He forgot he had a dodgy memory, little did he know the muddle he would cause because the whole family was nicknamed JJ? Jack Jones had by far and away the best kept secrets of all.

The Jones family thrived on muddles; the problem was that they attracted muddles like a magnet attracts iron filings; like shit attracts flies. An aura of mystery hung over them. Within the Jones family everything was normal and accepted, unfortunately everyone outside the family, i.e. the general public didn’t find it as either normal or acceptable.

First impressions of the Jones family would lead you to believe that they were quite odd in a normal way. As this story continues you will slowly discover a shit load of escalations and family secrets.

……Shih Tzu dog Jim lay beside the pond scoffing a large hotdog and totally oblivious of what was going on around him.

Jennifer! Don’t go too near the edge of the pond shouted an anxious Jessica Jones. Jennifer’s Jones’s voice shrilled with excitement as she pointed down to the ponds surface. Look Mum there’s a frog family and being followed by a convoy of Tadpoles.

This remark was Johnny’s que to butt in with a joke or witticism, some of Johnny’s quips were corny, naff while others were little gems and made everyone laugh and he did this at every opportunity. Probably being frog marched he said grinning.

Yes; he was quite the little wit when he wanted to be. He looked alert and contented standing on the ponds edge taking in the sights and sounds. Wherever Johnny was incidents would often occur and Johnny would do what he felt compelled to do.

……. Jennifer was enthralled with the ponds activity, this was pond life and above and below the surface of the murky water there was a lot going on. Suddenly a huge frog sprang up and landed close to Johnny’s trainer. It took another little hop and landed on the tip of Johnny’s foot, he looked down at the frog looking up; if there was ever such a thing as a handsome frog this would be it thought Johnny. It just sat there gazing up at Johnny with what seemed like a smile on his face.

Fascinated by this he attracted his sister Jennifer come and look at this he beckoned as he pointed to his foot.

Jennifer turned towards him and ran over to see what Johnny was pointing to. Her eyes widened.

Wow she said "handsome little devil, she bent down for a closer look.

The Frog twitched and flinched away as Jennifer’s face drew closer.

Don’t be scared Froggy, I’m not going to hurt you, the frog hopped over onto Jennifer’s trainer" He glanced up first with a look of utter amazement and then utter curiosity.

A moment passed as the frog adjusted his composure, he replied in a broad Scottish accent. First of all I’m not scared, secondly do not call me Froggy? And thirdly, how the hell can you talk to animals? Jennifer gave a smug shrug, Been doing it ever since I was born she replied.

The frog croaked and spoke I’ve noticed you and ya family; your regular visitors to the pond aren’t you?

Yep you could say that.

Aye and you are a cocky little girl aren’t ya?

Perhaps I am perhaps I am not said Jennifer with the same smug shrug.

"What’s your name Froggy?

My name is Toby, and stop calling me Froggy.

Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t, how long have you lived in this pond, you Don’t sound English to me?

I’m not English, I’m Scottish from a long line of McTavish’s and proud of it.

Scotland’s a long way away, said Jennifer, how the heck did you get here?

"It’s a long story and to cut a long story short, I was quite happy where I was in Scotland, but someone had the bright idea of clutching me and a large part of my family from the pond I was born in.

I was only a wee spawn at the time and I can only rely on the facts my mum and dad have told me. The most important thing is that I was born in Scotland"

Or you could say spawn in Scotland. Johnny said chuckling. The frog smiled, Just the sort of remark I would have expected from you Johnny said a giggling Jennifer.

Ach the wee laddie has a certain wit about him, what are your names? Jennifer pointed to Johnny, this is Johnny, JJ for short.

And you are?

I’m Jennifer, JJ for short, oh and that’s JJ my dad and JJ my mum over there. she said as she pointed.

Toby with a puzzled look asked. All JJ’s are you kidding me lassie?

No not kidding, that’s just the way it is. Toby sat on Jennifer’s trainer somewhat speechless, scratching his head, he gestured to Shih Tzu Jim. Who’s this wee doggie? Shih Tzu Jim on hearing his name nonchalantly stopped stuffing his Hot Dog and addressed Toby. I’m Jim… Toby butted in, Don’t tell me; JJ for short.

……Suddenly the tranquillity around the pond came to an abrupt halt. Screams rang out, oh… no… no! Their attentions were diverted to a young lady screaming my baby my baby!"

She was panicking and pointing to an out of control pram careering down a slope towards the pond. The atmosphere around the pond was struck into complete silence as if time froze.

Heads turned with frantic faces, awestruck as they watched as if the scene was unfolding in slow motion. To everyone’s amazement the pram hurtled headlong down the sloping bank and looked certain to go over the ponds edge and make an almighty splash. But! It didn’t, it stopped dead in mid-air as if time stood still, then gently appeared to float back to a safe spot on the bank.

Oh my God oh my God we have witnessed a miracle? shouted the Hot Dog seller. Ooh’s and ah’s and deep gasps came thick and fast as they echoed around the pond, people exchanged astonished glances, and one particular family who we will get to know later looked on in wonderment.

The distressed young mother hadn’t a clue of exactly how and what took place, nor did anyone else come to that but the look on her face said it all, she was just so very grateful that her baby girl was safe, and What’s more when she peered adoringly into the pram she was still fast asleep.

Her maternal instincts kicked in as she gently lifted her baby from the pram, wrapped her arms around it, snuggled her face against its cheeks and repeatedly kissed its warm little head. Johnny Jones was nonchalant and positioned himself behind the young lady cuddling her baby and took a selfie.

……Panic over everything and everyone returned to normal all bar questionable looks and puzzled faces directed at the Jones’s, for it was a common knowledge that weird oddities often occurred in the presents of the Joneses.

Johnny’s appearance had changed somewhat, he stood next to Jennifer and the frog; he was dishevelled and soaked to the skin. Toby the frog was somewhat perplexed as he scanned around the pond just to confirm that everyone else was as dry as a bone. Toby couldn’t talk to Johnny, there was only one human that could talk to animals and that was Jennifer, so he asked Jennifer the obvious question, how the heck did your brother JJ get so wet?

Jennifer wagged her finger and looked the frog in the eye, ah! That’s a family secret.

The frog looked disconcerted Your family gets odder by the frekin minute. A smile broke out on Jennifer’s face. "Perhaps we do perhaps we Don’t, I like you Froggy, you speak your mind; I have a huge pond in my garden and maybe you can come and visit me sometime?

I Don’t think so said Toby in a sarcastic tone, and stop calling me Froggy. I’m the youngest and fittest of my family and I have to take charge. I can’t just up and go visiting people Willy nilly; deserting my domain, I am a three stage frog.

A three stage frog? enquired Jennifer with a puzzled look.

What exactly is a three stage frog?

First stage I have to guard the Spawn, second stage I have to guard the Tadpoles and third stage I guard the whole bloody lot of them, he mopped his brow Phew! I need help; you know some kind of partner. In any case visiting you is an impossibility because I’m limited to just how far I can hop and then all the trouble I’d have in finding you.

Toby shook his head. Nay Lassie I’ll not be doing any visiting anytime soon.

Perhaps you will perhaps you won’t, but I think you will. replied Jennifer with an air of complete confidence.

I think mummy and daddy are getting ready to leave so I have to go; but I’ll come by from time to time to have a chat with you.

With chin in hand and an inquisitive look Toby mumbled Aye lassie, you do that, you do that, his eyes followed them walking off.

In fact, all eyes were now directed at the Jones’s as they prepared to leave and depart the pond area. Shih Tzu Jim scampered along and bumped into a keep off the grass sign, ouch he growled as he scowled at the sign, his tongue flicked ferociously as he licked his nose in an effort to diminish the pain.

Careful Jim said Jennifer. Bit late now I just hit my bleeding nose.

People were often left staring in disbelieve at this odd family, this morning’s incident was no exception but It didn’t bother the Joneses as they were totally unaware, in a bubble of oblivion and had no idea of the attention they drew. What appeared odd to everyone else appeared absolutely normal to them.

……Casually they strolled off leaving everyone mesmerized and left scratching their heads in bewilderment, including Toby frog. As they approached the main road Jack Jones stopped to think, Jessica Jones suspected the blank expression of hesitation on his face, an expression all the Joneses knew only too well.

Add the fact that he was mumbling, now where the hell did I put the Rolls? Confirmed her suspicions. Jessica stood beside him and whispered in his ear. It’s parked over the brow of the hill on the main road dear Oh right, I remember now he said confidently nodding.

……They walked further to the top of the hill and their car could be seen parked on the curb side. Even their car drew attention, it was a gleaming navy blue Rolls Royce, and nonchalantly they piled in as if it were a pickup truck. Jennifer and Johnny sat in the back, Shih Tzu Jim found Johnny’s lap, spun around as dogs do and sat on it. Jennifer edged her way towards the front seat drawing close to the back of her mum’s head and spoke.

Have you made a mistake yet mum? No not as yet Jennifer dear; not as yet."

What’s for dinner mum? said Johnny. Roast Beef with all the trimmings, I put the beef in the oven this morning to cook nice and slowly.

Ooh! Sounds delicious said Jack Jones, he chuckled and as he did so he faintly farted.

I actually managed to self-discipline myself not to eat earlier, I gave my hotdog to Jim and I’m bloody starving.

Yes said Jessica Jones, I saw you buy one and not eat it He shrugged. Don’t worry it didn’t go to waste Jim ate it. Jim sat up as his name was mentioned, flicked his nose with his tongue several times, twisted and then sat down again.

…… Jennifer was eager to discuss Johnny’s heroic rescue act and tugged at his shirt. You must have worked up an appetite after that little escalation at the pond? Johnny sniffed his button nose and responded with a nonchalant grunt Huh Yeah I’m a bit hungry. which meant he was starving.

As the Rolls Royce turned off the main road it passed numerous large and impressive houses on both sides, houses with wide frontages, carriage drives with lots of wrought iron going on.

In the distance an abundant mass of green leaf’s and colour appeared at the dead end of the road. It was a huge spectacular wall of dense Rhododendrons and in the middle of that glorious wall of colour was an arch, not just any arch. It was enchanting and beckoning, it led to a tunnel of lush leaf’s and Rhododendron flowers. Perhaps the most deliciously fragrant flower in the world Honey Suckle wove in and out of this thick foliage.

This was no ordinary tunnel, it aroused all five senses, and it was magical and mystical. Birds sang as you entered and little animal noises seemed to be accentuated by the tunnels acoustics. It made you feel you were entering a different world, a world of nature and intrigue.

The Joneses