The Ocean of God: Book I of a Trilogy Leahen Chronicles

By Leah Marie

This book is a love story. Perhaps not your conventional love story but a love story nonetheless.
It has not been written for everyone for not everyone will see the beauty that is there. It is written for those who can read with their hearts as well as their minds. It is a book for those who understand something about romance and sacrifice, agony and ecstasy, love and forgiveness.
This book was written to preserve a story too beautiful to go unrecorded. It is the story of a woman who saw herself as a beggar girl, but who dared to fall in love with the King of Kings. It is the story of a passion that raged like a forest fire through her life and a will that did violence to heaven until it captured the heart of God. It is a book about humility, obedience and love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 8, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456878733

Book preview

Copyright © 2011 by Leah Marie.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2011903322

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4568-7872-6

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4568-7871-9

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4568-7873-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

83713

Contents

FOREWORD

PREFACE

CHAPTER 1 A Journey Begins

CHAPTER 2 How Then Shall I Live

CHAPTER 3 A Miracle in your Pocket

CHAPTER 4 On-the-Job Training

CHAPTER 5 Working It Out

CHAPTER 6 Joy of the Lord

CHAPTER 7 The Plot Thickens

CHAPTER 8 Unwrapping Some Gifts

CHAPTER 9 The Touch of His Spirit

CHAPTER 10 Learning to Battle

CHAPTER 11 Where Is the Pain?

CHAPTER 12 Secrets

CHAPTER 13 The Visit

CHAPTER 14 The Volunteer

CHAPTER 15 Whale’s Breath

CHAPTER 16 Pushing Back the Darkness

CHAPTER 17 Robes of Righteousness

CHAPTER 18 The Chastening of the Lord

CHAPTER 19 Slave of the King

CHAPTER 20 The Dream

CHAPTER 21 Not All Prisoners Are in Russia

CHAPTER 22 Life Isn’t Safe

CHAPTER 23 The Ins and Outs of It

CHAPTER 24 Money Matters

CHAPTER 25 The Foot Washing

CHAPTER 26 Give Them Your Cloak

CHAPTER 27 Think It Not Strange

CHAPTER 28 True Confessions

CHAPTER 29 The Lighthouse

CHAPTER 30 Slow Down

CHAPTER 31 Remember Abraham

CHAPTER 32 Snow Day

CHAPTER 33 Silence

CHAPTER 34 All Work and No Play

CHAPTER 35 On the Average

CHAPTER 36 The Lord’s Footstool

CHAPTER 37 Better Than Chocolates

CHAPTER 38 Back with a Vengeance

CHAPTER 39 Thou Art the Christ

CHAPTER 40 The World for a Prayer Closet

CHAPTER 41 What’s in a Picture

CHAPTER 42 What Are They Doing with You?

CHAPTER 43 Helping Mama

CHAPTER 44 Let Us Go Forth into the Field

CHAPTER 45 Holy Week

CHAPTER 46 Surprises

CHAPTER 47 Differences of Opinion

CHAPTER 48 The Empty Cardboard Box

CHAPTER 49 The Work Begins

CHAPTER 50 Kissing Toward God

CHAPTER 51 Eating Spinach

CHAPTER 52 Shouldn’t This Make You Happy?

CHAPTER 53 Double Portion of Humility

CHAPTER 54 A Week of Love

CHAPTER 55 The Adoration and the Offering

CHAPTER 56 Seventy Times Seven

CHAPTER 57 Questions

CHAPTER 58 The Green-eyed Monster Bites the Dust

CHAPTER 59 What More Can I Give You?

CHAPTER 60 The Jell-O Incident

CHAPTER 61 The Illustrated Journal

CHAPTER 62 The Visitation

CHAPTER 63 Though It Tarry, Wait for It

CHAPTER 64 Because You Are Mine

CHAPTER 65 Who Will You Serve?

CHAPTER 66 Hungry for God

CHAPTER 67 My Way Hurts Too Much

CHAPTER 68 Just Tell God to Stop

CHAPTER 69 A Song in the Night

CHAPTER 70 The Ocean of God

SCRIPTURAL INDEX

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my mother, whose unfailing love and trust during unusual circumstances never ceased to amaze me.

FOREWORD

I am truly honored to write the foreword to Leah’s book, as I am the psychiatrist referred to in it. Let me begin by telling you a little about me. I am a board-certified psychiatrist; I received my MD from the University of Illinois College of Medicine in Chicago and also did my psychiatric residency there, where I was trained by predominantly Freudian psychoanalysts. I left Chicago upon finishing my training and moved to California. After a two-year stint in the navy, I began formal Freudian psychoanalytic training, and after six years, I began training in Jungian psychoanalysis at the Southern California C.G. Jung Institute. Jungian-based psychology takes religious and spiritual experiences very seriously as well as dream content and visionary experiences. I am telling you this so you will know that my opinions are scientifically based.

Shortly before meeting Leah, I moved to the Pacific Northwest and took a position on the medical staff of a local hospital. Leah was admitted to the psychiatric unit of this hospital and was assigned to me (coincidently enough) for treatment. She was admitted because she was swooning in church and experienced her Lord talking to her. Once, when she took the wine and wafer in her mouth, she tasted blood and flesh. This nauseated her and embarrassed her for feeling disgusted over experiencing her savior and a true transubstantiation. I saw this as a true religious experience and told her so. I discharged her from the hospital shortly thereafter and continued to see her as an outpatient. I was particularly pleased that even though I was Jewish, I was able to help a Christian patient.

I found her book to be very well written and truthful, a good read, and an honest account of her experiences.

William H. Levy

PREFACE

At one time in my dealings with Leah, it was my intention to write her story, but that did not happen. Therefore, I am very happy to see it finally available here in her autobiography. I was first introduced to Leah after the times written of in this present volume. She was then experiencing spiritual graces and gifts that are not commonly found in the world today—at least not in the United States, and definitely not in Protestant circles. While her pastor at the time recognized that what Leah was experiencing was indeed real and of God, his lack of knowledge concerning those same experiences intimidated him. Because I had studied the lives of holy men and women of the Middle Ages who had experienced extraordinary gifts and was also deeply involved in the Catholic Charismatic Movement, he found that I not only had knowledge of experiences like Leah’s, but was also unafraid of dealing with her phenomena. He subsequently asked me to be Leah’s spiritual director, under which capacity I served for about two years.

There is valid historical documentation or precedence for what Leah experienced. I found her gifts and experiences to be indeed uncommon, some incredibly so, but at the same time, definitely real, valid, and of God. Furthermore, I found in Leah’s responses to her experiences no pride, self-delusion, or deception. Instead, I found in her only a healthy self-awareness, humility, and grace.

Alter? When the hills do.

Falter? When the sun

Question if his glory

Be the perfect one.

Surfeit? When the daffodil

Doth of the dew:

Even as herself, O friend!

I will of you!

—Emily Dickinson

This is a true story, I know, because I lived it.

The names have been changed, to protect the privacy of my family, except for Dr. Levy, at his request.

Some of the conversations have been combined for the sake of brevity.

Leah Marie

CHAPTER 1

A Journey Begins

But God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

—Romans 5:8

Leah felt as if she had been picked up by the nape of the neck and given a good shake, not in her body but in her soul. That was not all. The words she had heard came as if carrying a bag of instructions in each hand. Her heart nearly stopped with the impact. It was more than audible, reverberating throughout her guilty soul and stirring dreams long dead to life. There was no need to look around for the source. No human voice could carry with it the love that seemed the essence of the sounds. The tones were majestic, deep, masculine, and wide as the heavens. The words claimed the parental privilege of correction. Thirty years had passed since her earthly father faded silently out of her life. Long ago, the sound of a caring paternal voice was forgotten, the memory pushed down with the pain of a five-year-old’s broken heart. This was unquestionably a Father’s voice, a Father who cared enough to correct her. It was the voice of a Father that wanted her, a Father that was God.

My children don’t behave that way! spoke the compelling, penetrating voice.

His instructions were clear. She must break off the affair—end her adulterous relationship. The divorce must be stopped; everything must be canceled before the papers were served tomorrow. The tattered shreds of her unhappy marriage must be put back together.

She had not realized that God knew or cared about her life or what she did. Her assumption, if she had ever thought to put it into words, was that after starting the world in motion, He sat back and let it run itself. Sure, he had spoken to people in the Bible, but she had never heard of him speaking to anyone today. It had been a long time since he had parted any seas or raised anyone from the dead. The evening news would never have missed anything like that. Now his voice was like an invisible hand ripping away her insulating ignorance. For the first time, she was aware of her nakedness before God. He knew everything she did. He had not liked it and yet claimed her as his own. It was unfathomable to Leah how she could be feeling so much love and so much disapproval, all at the same time! How could he want her, covered with the shame of her sin? Yet he had treated her as his child by stepping in to stop her foolish selfishness! And he expected to be obeyed.

Growing up, she had often wondered at the stories of the Exodus, the crossing of the Red Sea, and the golden calf. She had not understood how people could see so many miracles and still disobey him, still not believe him. This same God had just spoken to her, and she would do what he asked.

Scarcely five feet in height and weighing 110 pounds, Leah was a petite woman who looked ten years younger than her actual age of thirty-five. Proud of her trim body, she wore classic styles that accented her form. Her unusual eyes turned down at the inside corners, giving them the graceful curve of a bird’s wing, spread in flight. Amber and jade in color, they looked out over high cheekbones, giving a dramatic appeal to her face. White, even teeth were frequently framed by a bright, playful smile. She hadn’t realized it, but her demeanor, her bearing, even her walk automatically shifted in the presence of males. Like turning on a switch, their presence activated an array of feminine maneuvers. She liked being a woman, and she liked men to notice. The satisfaction of knowing she could attract them gave her a sense of value, a feeling she was worth wanting, worth loving. Getting into an affair had been easy, but extricating herself from it proved more than she could do. A tangle of emotions held her fast as if in a spiderweb. Vengeance, hate, loneliness, and pride wound around her heart and kept her from escaping. But that was before the voice.

It’s over. I’m not going to see you anymore.

She spoke as if at a distance from the distraught man who had come back into the room and was watching her. Long brown hair swung loosely over her face and blazer as she resolutely put on the fashionable leather boots lying beside the couch. An invisible wall of repentance stood between them. God had cared enough to stoop down from the height of heaven and speak to her when her guilt seemed more than she could bear. His fatherly words had opened the door to a free, new world, leaving the man and the sins of the past behind her.

Don’t say that. It’s not that bad. She didn’t see anything. We weren’t doing anything really. I can smooth all that over. She’ll believe me. She’s just upset now, and so are you. It’s going to be all right, just like it was before. You’ll see. I don’t know why she came back home. I was as surprised as you were when she walked in the door. We’ll just have to be more careful, that’s all. He talked smoothly, reassuringly, trying to mend the cracks he saw tearing apart his carefully orchestrated world.

You are right. We weren’t doing much this time. But we would have been, if it were up to you. We are guilty of exactly what she suspects. I can’t do this anymore.

She spoke firmly, with a strength she didn’t have before. Picking up her purse, she walked to the front door of his house and opened it.

Turning toward him, she said more gently, I hope everything works out for you.

Closing the door behind her, she put an end to a relationship that should never have been.

She needed space to think and hurried for the privacy of her car. Shame filled her as she sank into the seat and closed the door.

I did not want to come here, she thought, Why did I do it? Why didn’t I stop this before now? I was too weak and stupid! Now look at what I’ve done! Why did his wife come back? She was supposed to be gone all evening. Why? Oh, the look on her face. If guilt were a weight, I would have sunk right through the floor, disappeared into the earth like I wanted to do. It was awful; I’m so ashamed of myself. And Arnold—what a coward! How could he run to the other room and leave me to face her alone? I wonder where she is now. I never wanted to cause anyone that kind of pain. Maybe God sent her back home to find us. She looked like a nice lady. What a jerk I’ve been. Why did God speak to me? Maybe he knew how sorry I was. He should have struck me with lightning instead; that’s what I deserved.

As she pulled out of the driveway, Leah began doing something entirely new—talking to God and expecting him to hear.

"God, I’m miserable. I’m willing to be miserable for the rest of my life, if that’s what you want, but you’ll have to help me! Otherwise, I’ll be right back in this same spot in three months! You know what my marriage is like. You know what I’m like! I can’t live without a man in my life. Being married, having someone to love me is all I’ve ever wanted. I tried to forgive my husband, but I can’t. You have to help. I was going away after the divorce; start everything over. I was a good, faithful wife for all those years, and then everything fell apart right in front of me. I couldn’t put it back together again. You know I tried. Every time he touches me, I remember what he’s done. I’ve been so unhappy. A couple of times, I even felt like driving into a telephone pole. I was so scared of thinking like that. Who would protect my children? Who would care for them?

But, God, I can’t seem to live just for the children. As much as I love them, it’s not enough. I need something, someone to care about me—I mean really care. Am I so awful that nobody can love me… that no one wants to be just mine? I felt as if I had to do something to give myself a reason to live. I’ve made a mess of everything. It’s been so long since I felt joy, since I felt anything but pain. I wanted to grow up to be a lady, but as you can see I failed miserably. I didn’t plan on anything like this. It was wrong, but I was so lonely. I just had to have someone to talk to that wasn’t an enemy… like the enemy in my own house. I wanted someone safe who wouldn’t want too much of me. I know this is dumb, God, but I thought it might even help my marriage. Maybe I would be able to stay in it, at least until the kids grew up. I already had two children growing up without their real dads. I didn’t want that to happen to all four of them. You know how hard it’s been for Cal; Ryan has always resented him. Now look! I’m so sorry. My stupid answer didn’t help anything. It just hurt people.

While frustration, loneliness and grief poured out of her; a strange calmness and a quiet joy flowed in as if drawn by the created vacuum. God had corrected her as a father, claimed her as his own! He knew what she was doing. He had been watching her, and he cared how she behaved! Then, beyond all wonders, he had chosen to speak to her! Never had she imagined such a thing. In this one act of overwhelming kindness, he had won the loyalty of her passionate heart.

You must love me, or you wouldn’t have done that. I’ll find out how your children behave, she vowed as much to herself as to God, and I’ll do what they do. If you ever say anything to me again, I do not want it to be like what you said tonight. I want you to be able to say something different.

It seemed to her no price was too great for the privilege of being his daughter. More blessed than life was the knowledge that he thought of her as his own.

~~~~~~~~~

Bacon was being fried as she scrambled eggs with a fork. Her heart was singing. The world seemed freshly washed that next morning, as if a gray film were removed. Or maybe it was just the brightness of the hope through which she now looked.

Glancing at her husband, she was amazed at the change in her attitude. The loathing was gone. The feeling could not be called affection but could perhaps best be described as kindliness. Somehow, during the night, she had forgiven him.

Ryan, she began, I’m going to start counseling. I would like you to come with me, but I’m going to go regardless.

She had talked about counseling before, but he would not agree.

All right, he replied. I’ll come with you.

That’s got to be God, Leah thought. He is helping me already.

I thought I’d call Pastor Arden. He’s the only one I know. You like him, and I don’t think he’d charge us, at least not a lot since we’re members of his church.

I don’t know anyone else either. You’re right. I do like him. That’s better than going to some stranger that’s just in it for the money. Since you think we have to do this, he would probably be the least expensive. Who knows, maybe it will even help you!

She ignored the cut; she was used to being blamed for the cold war in their relationship. Besides, Ryan never gave anything free. He always made you pay for it somehow. That way you thought twice before trying to get anything again. It was a very effective form of manipulation, but today she didn’t care. God loved her, and nothing would ever be the same.

When breakfast was over and the dishes neatly lined up in the dishwasher, she made the calls that would stop the divorce and begin the counseling.

~~~~~~

Now to resurrect my Bible, she said to herself, if I’m going to find out how his children behave, I had better try reading it again.

It was the only book about God in the house. She had used it during confirmation class and even tried reading it several other times, only to put it away. It was so complicated, and the thing just asked too much. It wanted what was impossible to do, like forgiving her husband. There was enough Sunday school in her that she knew she was supposed to, so she had tried, but she just couldn’t. Some things were just too much to forgive. Leah had been sure there was a loophole in it somewhere, for people who were just trying to survive; but she could not find it. She found no comfort either—the pages condemned her.

It was not only the adultery—that at least she thought she could stop—but also the divorces! There was no way she could ever stop having been divorced before—twice! That had never been the way she had imagined her life, definitely not part of her dreams. It was something Ryan and she never told anyone. He did not like people to know, not even the children. They had moved several states away from people who knew, and then Ryan adopted Cal and Cassie so their last names were the same as his. There were two more from their marriage, Corey and Claudia. She could not figure out how she could ever straighten out this mess of her life without hurting the people she loved. She had felt trapped in a cage of her own poor choices.

She remembered thinking it all through once, while sitting at a stop sign on the way home from confirmation class. It’s best to believe in Jesus, she reasoned, if you don’t, and it’s all the truth, that would be awful. I would like to go to heaven, but the Bible says women who divorce and remarry are committing adultery. If I were to really embrace this, really try to live like God wanted me to, I would have to leave Ryan and break up the home. I was determined to make it work this time, and I tried so hard. How could it be right to hurt the children because I did some dumb things? That doesn’t make any sense. Besides, I can’t live without a man, not to mention trying to provide for us on my own. Before long, I’d be so lonely I would find another one; then I’d be in a bigger mess.

Without voicing it, a decision was made. She would accept these things as true; she’d always thought they were anyway, but she would stay in very shallow water. Ankle deep was plenty, hopefully enough to save her. The rest would have to remain the province of better people—people with perfect lives.

But everything is different now. He spoke to me! What God has asked of me is hard, but not impossible, He doesn’t want me to end the marriage. He wants to save it. I can begin again right where I am. I can do that, especially now, she mused. He thinks of me as his own child! I guess the baptism last fall really did make me his. The thought wrapped her heart in a warm glow. The bitterness and hatred were gone, and she could hope again.

CHAPTER 2

How Then Shall I Live

Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

—2 Timothy 2:15

Hello! Hello! Come in. Good to see you! Pastor Arden greeted Leah cordially.

He enjoyed people, enjoyed helping them. His warm, friendly manner, along with his gray-haired, grandfatherly appearance, endued confidence.

Hi, Pastor, Leah responded, coming into the tasteful, book-lined office. Ryan’s not with me today. He’s tied up with something at work, a last-minute problem, so I just came by myself.

"Well, that’s perfectly all right, Leah. Sometimes it’s good to have a little ‘one on one.’ Have you been reading that book I gave you? Letters to Karen, wasn’t it?" he asked, leaning back in his chair.

Yes, I have, Pastor, she replied nervously. In fact I’ve almost finished it. Before we talk about that, though, could I ask you some questions about something else I’ve been reading?

Sure, what is it? What can I help you with? he asked, smiling to reassure her.

I’ve gotten a lot of books lately from the church library. Some are stories about people, missionaries, and things like that. Some are about prayer, you know, getting to know God. Well, this one book—I can’t remember the name—was about the baptism in the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues, things I’ve never heard of before. The way the author talks, you can’t even be a Christian without tongues. I don’t know what to think.

Leah watched his face closely. She had never heard him mention anything like this from the pulpit. Would he be upset? she thought.

I don’t even know anybody that speaks in tongues, she continued.

His face changed. Did he look sheepish, embarrassed? Could it be he speaks in tongues? she wondered.

"At least I don’t know anybody that I know speaks in tongues," she concluded.

Pastor Arden took a deep breath. This can be a delicate subject, he said. But you seem open enough, so I will speak bluntly. I do, and so do quite a few others in the church. I don’t say too much about it, but it’s real… It’s from God… I can assure you of that. It’s just that congregations can be split in half by this kind of thing. Some of our other Lutheran churches already have been. I don’t want that to happen here at Fernridge. Some people are scared by anything out of the ordinary. It takes them a long time to get used to new things, even if it’s a move of God. I feel it’s best to take things slow and let the Holy Spirit do the pushing!

Sometimes, though, he continued, Lutheran Renewal puts on charismatic conferences in the area for people that are interested. We had one here. I guess it’s been a year or so ago. It was in the bulletin, but like I said, I don’t want anyone to feel pressured. Quite a few of our people were there as well as people from other congregations around the area. There was one young lady—I’d never seen her before—who stayed after the last session and asked me to pray with her for tongues. I’ll never forget how it just started flowing out of her. It was very beautiful, lilting. It sounded like French. My own is more guttural, like German, but I don’t know if it really is. I’ve never found anyone that spoke German to ask.

Leah listened quietly, but inside her heart was racing. Beautiful, lilting as a seagull, mounting toward the sunlit sky—that’s how I feel about God. Oh, to be able to talk to him in a language that would soar, the way my soul wants to when I read about him. That would be wonderful! Leah thought.

She wanted to blurt out, Pray with me. Please help me get that too! But she just couldn’t say it.

Basically introverted, Leah had mastered the polite niceties, but rarely shared her heart. That she kept as if wrapped in a tissue and tucked into a high-top trunk, locked with a key. Experience taught her that most people were busy with their own problems and dreams and could find neither time nor interest left over for hers. She found it far better to guard her thoughts and dreams than to take them out for others to trivialize.

Besides, she thought, maybe that lady was in ministry or something. And pastors, well, they need special things from God. I’m just an ordinary sinner. Why would God give me anything special? How could I dare ask for anything more than he’s already given me? He spoke to me. If I never hear his voice again as long as I live, he’s given me more than I could have ever deserved or imagined.

As for not being a Christian without it, continued Pastor Arden. Well, I don’t agree with that. My wife doesn’t speak in tongues, and she’s a fine Christian. More than half our people don’t speak in tongues. I didn’t for years. Sometimes when people have a really strong experience, they think everybody else should too. They try to make it a criterion, a test everybody must pass. I don’t see God working that way! Does that answer your question?

Yes. Yes, it does, she replied.

There was one other thing she wanted to tell him, while they were alone. This one was harder, like sharing a diary or a secret place. Would he believe her or laugh? She had shared it with Ryan right after it happened. He had said she was going off the deep end. Would Pastor Arden say that too? Still, it seemed right to tell him, important somehow. He was her pastor. He should know.

Uh-hum, she squeaked out, clearing her throat as she wished she could clear her mind of apprehension.

There is one other thing, a different subject actually.

Leah had not shared with Pastor Arden that God had spoken to her last March 15. But what she wanted to share now was something equally mysterious. This was something that had happened two years before the voice, even before her baptism, in the spring of 1980. But in all her reading, she had never read about this happening in any of the lives of other Christians, yet it had happened to her. This was what she now hesitatingly and nervously wanted to share with him.

Go on, he urged gently, seeing the struggle in her eyes.

Well, uh, she stammered, still not sure she should take the risk. I don’t know how to say this, so I guess I’ll just say it. Something happened to me. It was a little over two years ago. Now I wish I had written down the date, but I know it was in the spring. I was at the altar rail, over on the left side of the altar.

She hesitated—she was taking the long way around—playing the chicken. Out with it, she chided herself.

Well, she began afresh, it was at Communion. Something happened to the bread and the wine. I mean they changed, in my mouth. They changed into meat and blood.

She watched as his eyebrows went up, but it was too late now; she might as well finish.

I… I’m afraid I didn’t behave very holily, she added apologetically, dropping her eyes. All I could think was that this was Jesus, and I couldn’t spit him out. I was gagging, but I forced myself to swallow. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to be disrespectful. I remember as a girl thinking that if Jesus said the bread and wine were his body and blood, like the Bible said, it had to be true. So I decided it must happen in your stomach because it looked and tasted like bread and wine to me. It seemed to me that God must have zapped it a little too soon, before it got there. That probably sounds dumb, but that’s what I thought. Now I guess I think maybe he was trying to get my attention. When I got home, I told my husband, but he didn’t believe me. I haven’t told anyone else since, until today, that is.

She looked up hopefully. He had known all about tongues, so maybe he already knew about things like this happening to people. He had studied and knew lots about God she didn’t know.

No longer young, Pastor Arden had heard many stories in his nearly forty years of shepherding God’s people. He’d never heard this one. Carefully he chose the words of his answer. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings by suggesting she was crazy, lying, or deluded.

Well… Even you must agree that is a pretty unusual thing to happen. You could hardly blame Ryan for not believing you.

I know that. I do know that, Pastor, but nevertheless, it’s true, came her adamant reply. I’ve thought about it often since, especially when I go to Communion, as you might imagine. I always wonder if it might happen again, but it never has. When I think about it, I’m reminded of how I sometimes feel when I look at my children. They’ve grown so big. When I look down at myself, it seems impossible for any one of them to ever have been inside of me. But they were. I watched them being born! I lived it. I felt their kicks before they came out, and yet sometimes it seems like a fantasy. I have nothing but my memories, but I can’t deny them. All I have is the memory of what happened that day at Communion, the change in texture, in taste. It was just as real as my children. I can’t deny it either. I know it happened. She looked up and saw him smiling his warm gentle smile.

I just thought you should know. You are my pastor, she added, looking once again at her hands and thinking it might have been a mistake to tell him. Still, she had felt that it was important.

He doesn’t have an answer for me, but at least he didn’t tell me I’m crazy. She sighed to herself, not sure if he believed her or not.

Yes, I am your pastor, Leah, and I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to share this with me. I could tell it wasn’t easy for you.

No, Pastor, it wasn’t, but I felt I should. Anyway I ought to get going. Thank you so much for your time. Leah smiled, getting up from the comfortable tweed couch.

She liked the office. It had a cozy charm that made her feel at home.

Well, we had a good talk, Pastor Arden said warmly, coming around the desk to give her shoulder a fatherly hug.

I take it everything is going all right between you and Ryan. Is there anything about that you want to share?

I’d like to be able to tell you everything, but Ryan would never get over it if I did. It would be a relief to talk to someone about it. Better not, besides, he said it would never happen again. I’ve forgiven him, but can I ever fall in love with him again? Can I ever trust him? What can the pastor do anyway? Best to leave the subject buried, Leah thought. After discarding this first thought, Leah’s mind sorted through the events of the last week, looking for something that would show the improvement she felt in their relationship.

There is one thing I guess I could tell you about, she began. "Last fall, not long after we bought the house, Ryan was complaining about it. Actually, if you are going to understand, I should go back a lot further. When we first married, Ryan promised me that if I would work and help him save enough to get some rental property, he would sell it after three years and put half the money into a home of our own. We bought the apartments where we used to live over ten years ago. He didn’t keep his promise. Instead he bought