Through the Valley~And Beyond: A Journey from Despair into Exultation

By Beth Blair

When my husband, Bob, died of a heart attack I was mad at God, for I had spent much time in prayer for his recovery, but I was a-n-g-r-y at Satan. I figuratively and literally shook my fist in his face and vowed if there was some good to be gleaned from this tragedy in my life, I was going to reap it.

God in His mercy understood, and as the seconds and minutes, and hours and days and weeks and months and years dragged by, the Holy Spirit was increasingly with me. The following pages were penned under His guidance. He was the author; I was the writer. You will notice that much was written during the middle of the night~ I learned to keep a pencil and paper by my bedside and would scribble out the words that came to me in the night. Alternatively, I would memorize the words that came in the darkness and commit them to paper in the morning or at the first opportuni

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 20, 2010
• ISBN: 9781450007450

Book preview

1

THROUGH THE VALLEY

June 17, 1979 1:45 p.m.

"It’s Dr. John Wilson.                    [Name changed for privacy]

       Bob had another attack;

                 He didn’t make it,

                           I’m sorry."

Who can describe the sudden chill

       that froze my heart that day

                 and paralyzed my being

                           to the very core

                                     of my innermost depths?

And who can explain

       the remote detachment that stood back

                 and listened to the voice of a stranger

                           coming from my throat;

                 and watched someone else in my body

                           making the motions

                                     of things to be done?

A robot… .

       the numbness… .

                 the cold that made me shiver

                           though the heat was turned up… .

                 the air of unreality

                           as my world collapsed… .

Who can explain

       this numb frozen state?

Is this my Lord

       protecting a wounded spirit

                 from the full crushing impact

                           of an unbearable blow;

                 mercifully anaesthetizing

                           while He takes upon Himself

                 the overload surge of pain

                           beyond my capability to endure,

                 and bearing it for me?

Is this my Lord

       walking

                 and sharing

                           and bearing

                                     with me?

June 17, 1979 7:30 p.m.

I am dazed,

       unthinking,

                 instinctively

                           numbly

       making the motions.

Then through the blank

       of my mind

                 a thought floats

                           as if someone speaks to me

                                     in irony, jeering,

Well, now you are going to find out.

And I am transported

       to an earlier time.

I remember prayers for Bob,

       claiming of the promises.

And I remember the assurance

       that dwelt in my heart,

                 assurance that carried me through

                           so many crisis times—

                 heart attack, surgery, recuperation.

And I live again a challenge

       that was flung,

                 taunting,

                           at me

                                     one morning

                                               after prayer.

I remember the time,

       and the place,

                 and the circumstance.

I was on my way to work,

       part way out the laneway.

The sun was shining;

       Bob was planning

                 on trying out the tractor

       for the first time

                 since his surgery.

My heart was light

       with hope.

And then that mocking

       inward voice.

"You say you love God

       and want to do His will.

Would you still say that

       if He didn’t answer your prayers

                 and Bob died?"

Cruel, taunting words.

I live again the startled response

       in my spirit

                 as I weighed that thought.

Did I love God

       and expect Bob’s healing

                 OR

Did I expect Bob’s healing

       and love God?

Did I love God for the miracle

       of Bob’s healing

                 or did I love Him

                           for Himself?

Would I follow

       and obey,

                 come what may?

I longed to fling back

       in the face

                 of that taunting voice

       a loud, resounding

                 Yes.

But I well knew the self-willed

       rebellious

                 creature within me

       and I could only

                 drop my eyes

                           and say,

       I don’t know.

And now that voice is speaking again,

       Well, now you are going to find out.

June 15, 1979 2:35 a.m.

. . . . Put on all of God’s armor so that you might be able to stand safe against all strategies and tricks of Satan. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood but against persons without bodies ~ the evil rulers of the unseen world, those mighty Satanic beings and great evil princes of darkness, who rule this world; against huge numbers of wicked spirits in the spirit world… . In every battle you will need faith as your shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed at you by Satan. And you will need the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit ~ which is the Word of God.

[Ephesians 6:11-12, 16-17 The Living Bible]

Satan, I am angry at you.

       Angry ~ and determined

                 that you shall not

                           have the last word.

You shall not come out

       of the tragedy,

                 the heartbreak,

                           the turmoil

       you have imposed on my life

                 as the winner.

                           Oh, no!

For I shall draw the cloak

       of God’s Word around me.

I’ll place my wounded heart,

       my bruised and broken heart

                 in His love.

And though I will cry

       I’ll look you in the eye

                 and remind you

"That all things work for good

       for those who love God

                 and are called

                           according to His purpose"

[Romans 8:28 The Living Bible}

And I am called

according to His purpose.

June 17, 1979 8:00 p.m.

In the face of unanswered prayer

       something within me longs to scream,

                 God, you are a liar.

And something else says,

       Hush, stay your rash words.

And in my soul is turmoil,

       confusion,

                 and cross currents

                           running strong.

I long to believe God,

       to accept His Word

                 as the foundation upon which

                           I place my hope.

And yet reality does not

       fulfill the promises

                 we claimed.

Bob is gone,

       snatched in a moment

                 from time

                           to eternity.

How does one reconcile

       that which was promised

                 with that which is?

How does one say,

       I know whom I have believed?

In my heart rises rebellion

       and my spirit cries,

                 "God, why did you not

                           keep your word?

                                     Why?

June 19, 1979

The man with the broad shoulders