Building Strong Human Bridges: Ten Tools For Success

By Harry Amend

A strong trust relationship between a couple, and then with their children, are cornerstones for a happy and successful family. "Building Strong Human Bridges" provides specific, step by step strategies, with scripts, to empower the building, strengthening, nurturing and repairing of these precious relationships.

Bridge building in other areas of leadership such as business, politics and faith communities are also explored in detail.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 21, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098389802

Book preview

Chapter 1

Tool #1: Solve It—Don’t Win It

Solve It—Don’t Win It (SIDWI) is an attitude. It is a belief. It’s an intentional way to deal with hard issues and treat people with respect in the process. Colloquialisms like: my way or the highway, all or nothing, I know what is best, or because I told you so give one person all the power in a situation, and such phrases do not allow for any deviation or compromise in the conversation. But, there is another way, a better way.

Switching tactics from traditional power approaches, like those listed above, to SIDWI can be scary. But SIDWI is a choice. It’s the decision to share power with others and to create a setting that encourages a shared outcome. Such an outcome is usually found in the grey area, where both participants feel satisfied with the outcome. Some leaders might only try SIDWI as a last resort, in a stalemate, or when the stakes are too high to risk an all or nothing outcome. There is a higher risk by not using SIDWI. Failure to use this tool with family, in the workplace, or in life may result in winning the battle, but also may result in losing the relationship with a child, student, colleague, or team.

The good news is, when you become familiar and skilled at using SIDWI, barriers come down, trust grows, and bridges are built. Those bridges become strong enough to carry the most precious cargo—your relationships with your family, friends, and teammates. 

The Basic Steps of Using SIDWI to Build a Trust Bridge

The following steps of SIDWI take the reader through an emotional conference from beginning to end, using concrete details, a script, and various techniques to diffuse emotions. Each step adds a drop of glue to the trust bridge. At each step, I share the rationale for the inclusion of the strategy and word choices.

In the table below, I outline the basic three steps of SIDWI (see Table 1.1). Although each situation is unique, grounding conversations with these three steps in mind, creates a space where both parties feel heard and where developing solutions is the focus rather than declaring a winner. Since compromise is at the heart of SIDWI, these three steps are key to establishing an atmosphere where nobody in the room is digging in their heels.

Table 1.1.

Key Steps in Solve It Don’t Win It

Note: In this table, readers learn about the basic steps of SIDWI. For more specific information refer to the examples in the paragraphs and sections that follow.

The steps outlined in Table 1.1 emphasize coming up with a solution that both parties can agree on. In step 1, Listening, the focus is on concrete steps that decrease emotions and begin building trust. Beginning the conversation using appropriate body language, and controlling the tone, volume, and pace are all included in this step. Step 2, Learning, involves noting possible comments or actions that might be used later to build the trust bridge. Strategies for transferring power and moving into the grey area of compromise include kissing the ring and giving them their day in court. Building positive momentum and using words that invite the concerned parties into the grey area will be a focus of this step. Step 3, Leading, begins after taking a brief break. This step focuses on transferring power and sharing thoughts about the situation. The previous steps included being a careful, patient listener, waiting your turn, defusing and honoring emotions, and in Step 3, leading the conversation to its bridge-building conclusion. By not responding to negative body language, asking clarifying questions, and thoughtfully considering the answers, you can keep positive momentum, and end the meeting with a strong start toward building a trust bridge.

Step 1: Listening

Preparing the emotional and physical environment is a key part of the first step of SIDWI. Providing a safe, comfortable space to share is an essential part of building the trust bridge. As you walk them into the room, take a deep breath and remember to focus on the emotions in the room. Remember that much of human communication is nonverbal. Be thinking about body language—both yours and theirs. Ask yourself, What is my face doing? and What is their face doing? Be prepared with water bottles or a pitcher of water and say, I’m going to have a glass of water, can I get you one, too? At this early point, you might be a little emotional and stressed, so concentrate on speaking slowly and in a quiet voice. Sit across the table, giving both you and the other person a safe physical space. 

Be prepared with a notepad and ask, Is it ok if I take notes? This shows respect and demonstrates that you care about what they are going to say. When they say, Yes, you’re now in control of the pace in a positive way. As they pick up speed, you’ll say in a soft voice and gesture with your hand, Whoa! Whoa! still writing. Fill up the first page on the notepad as quickly as possible, skipping lines and making arrows and side notes. This will send the message that you’re listening carefully and getting down every word. When turning the first page, pick up the notepad in one hand, and holding the pad, grab the page by the corner and rattle it loudly as you fold it behind the notepad. I call this technique rattling the tablet. The meeting participants love it— they know you’re hearing their input and doing your best to record their every word.

Step 2: Learning

Purposely let the other party talk first. This allows them to start to feel some power and begin to relax. When they speak, lean in, make as much eye contact as possible, and nod slowly as you write. As they talk, you’re learning. At this point, you’re taking note of any possible baby steps you might use later when trying to move toward an emotional compromise. Continue to let them know, through positive, nonverbal cues, that you are listening intently and care about what they are sharing. Stay patient and take your time so they don’t feel rushed. You’re honoring their feelings by not interrupting and by hearing them out.

Kissing the ring is now a figure of speech, but the saying is based on the tradition of humility, respect, and honor for someone in power, such as royalty or a dictator. By treating the partner in your conversation with respect during steps 1 and 2, they experience humility, respect, and honor similar to someone in power. The high emotions felt at the beginning of the session have probably lessened, and their body language may have become more relaxed and positive. Some early stages of trust building are beginning, but more time and Elmer’s trust glue will still be needed to strengthen this new bridge.

Part of your ability to stay calm and positive under attack comes from entering into the session with the expectation it will be tough and emotional. Again, you only interrupt to ask clarifying questions or to ask them to slow down. Giving them their day in court reinforces the transfer of power that will happen in steps 2 and 3. Remember that liking them personally or agreeing with what they say is not necessary for this step to be successful. Stay patient and remain willing to continue listening carefully, and taking notes in order to get the bridge started. Only after they have completed their thoughts will you speak.

At some point, they may invite you onto the trust bridge by asking your opinion, or they may just finish sharing their views on the issue. Say, Thanks so much for sharing with me. I need to use the restroom now. Let’s take a five-minute break. This break gives them time to realize they have been shown respect, and they have been given the opportunity to express all of the thoughts they came to share.

In addition to learning about where they were coming from, allowing them to share their story first adds even more sticks and glue to the bridge. The fact that you didn’t overreact when you may have disagreed with them adds more glue and potential goodwill as you both move toward a mutually agreeable solution. In their mind, you have now earned your turn to speak, and they should be more open to listening to you.

Step 3. Leading

When returning to the room after the break (at the conclusion of step 2), offer them a water refill. If they don’t have a notepad and pen, ask them if they want one. Lean slightly forward and keep firm, but not fierce, eye contact. Speak slowly and in a quiet voice. Nod affirmatively and smile slightly while keeping close track of their body language. Don’t take the bait if they frown or tense up, but if you notice these visual cues, tone down your body language, especially the smiling, to suit the tone of the conversation. The trust bridge you’re building is fragile, and you don’t want to risk the participants misreading a smile as a smirk, as being sarcastic, or as taking them lightly. 

Keep moving ahead, reminding yourself that you are the person who is now in the driver’s seat in the situation. You’ve already planned to share your power by heading into the grey area, that area between their my-way-or-the-highway demands and an acceptable conclusion that can work for all parties involved. Building a new bridge requires care and patience. Don’t try to build the entire bridge with one statement—or even in one meeting. Remember, the Golden Gate Bridge took years to build, and some bridges begin only one lane at a time, so stay patient. The only way to build a bridge strong enough to handle strong emotions is one stick at a time. 

Continue to use positive body language and words, and keep inviting them to stay engaged. If their face turns quizzical when you share a point of view, pause and clarify. You might say, No, that’s not exactly what I meant or rephrase what you just said. Encourage and remind them to ask questions if they don’t understand. Don’t move on until they’re clear about each point. This patience brings them into the grey area as co-owners of any solutions. When there is an opening, ask, So are you thinking ________ might be part of a solution? or "Can you think of any small things that might help us