You Can't Make This Shit Up!

By Ronald Bilak

A collection of 23 stories about my life and the hilarious stories that go on. What started as a gathering of friends telling stories while drinking evolved into this book of the tales some will question but the proof is supplied.

In this book, you’ll learn:

* Why feeding dogs chili before a long trip in a van may not be a good idea

* True Crimes committed by my Grandmother and how she got away with it

* Why teaching Polish Arm Wrestling in school is not a smart thing to do

* How to become manager of a famous rock band for a night

* Why to never have a Nacho day for students who are lactose intolerant

These are more true stories from the bizarre and Why I Can’t Make This Shit Up!!!!!!!!!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ronald Bilak
• Release date: Jul 15, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005509873

Ronald Bilak

I was born and raised in Elizabeth PA near Pittsburgh. I grew up a huge sports fan watching the Steeler's dynasty rule, and the best of the Pirates, all while the steel mills shut down in the early 80’s. I served in 2 military units in my life, one foreign and later the United States Air Force from 1983 – 2003. I was a member of Franco’s Italian Army first and later I served with pride and distinction while in US service! I was stationed around the globe, and took advantage to experience as much of the world as I could until finally retiring In Bossier City, LA, a decorated veteran, husband, and father. I’ve been married for over 35 years, raised 2 beautiful girls and am a grandfather. I’ve worked in a variety of positions since retiring from the military, from information technology, to academics, to banking. I’ve had adventures. I investigated the paranormal, and was a UFO hunter. During my life and travels I’ve had many incredible, strange, and mind-boggling experiences which I’d like to share the share with you. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll pull your hair out wondering what the hell people were doing. But if I can make one person laugh, it will all have been worth it.

Book preview

You Can’t Make This Shit Up!

Copyright @ Ronald Bilak #YCMTSU

Published by Ronald Bilak at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

About the Author

Ron Bilak is a retired Air Force member with 20 years of military service. He is a two-time survivor of thyroid cancer

You Can't Make This Shit Up!

What if life is nothing but a stage in which we are actors involved only in a Seinfeld-like comedy? My life certainly feels that way, what say you?

Each day we wake up, do our daily routines and await whatever misadventure the day brings us. Out of a certain food or drink, low on toilet paper, a new ache or pain that might signal the end of life? A drive to work encountered by moronic drivers failing to use turn signals, driving 5 MPH under the speed limit in the fast lane, or endlessly weaving while talking on the phone about something meaningless but which they are willing to risk death. Sound pretty much like your existence? Then you make it to work, someone has parked in your normal space or they aren't paying attention and you wonder if they flunked driver's ed, parking in two spaces. You make it inside. You start your day. Now wondering what events will unfold to remind you of a Seinfeld episode. You need to make a trip to the bathroom, either the stalls are full or someone hasn't discovered how to aim yet. You see a coworker not washing hands after emptying their breakfast or lunch. You have the Don't go in there after that guy award winner sprinting to the door in front of you. You just know it's another typical day. You go to lunch hoping things get better. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Whatever place you choose to eat, you can guarantee this scenario, the menu at the place hasn't changed in 25 years, yet the person in front of you acts like it is written in Chinese, worse yet if you go to a buffet or they have a self-serve drink dispenser, the choices overwhelm the person. Seriously, they freeze and just can't grasp more than 2 choices. I saw the most amazing thing at self-checkout the other day, the poor person at one of them paid for each item individually, no, it wasn't for someone else, they simply didn't grasp the concept. I was with my daughter, I thought about intervening, but we both decided it was more fun to simply watch. Sometimes you make the mistake of visiting the people of Wal-Mart, this is always a mistake. I get apprehensive in the parking lot, If I find a space, (since according to Wal-Mart 95% of the current population is disabled), then I must venture in. I love the new greeting gates, someone with a brilliant idea there! Then there are the people, they never fail to disappoint! By the time you go to check out, you have 2 options, go to the cashier lane, which they have 40 but only 2 people working them, or self-checkout, which I always do! However this last time they were switching out the machines, the cashier line now had a line of over 40 customers, another wasted visit to Wally World, but at least no one got shot. You then come back from lunch and get into the second part of the workday, by now most people have gotten up and have tried to justify their pay. You respond to emails, you do what you need to do. Then you simply wish for the day to end. Once it does, it is back to the race home. You are stuck with the same idiots you came to work with. But now, one of them causes a wreck and you are stuck in endless traffic, this is most common on a Friday afternoon, I can't prove it statistically, but it is a fact in my mind, 50% of my Fridays are spent waiting for a wreck to clear. You make it home, you might ask your spouse how their day was, hoping it was worse than yours! You eat dinner, wait for a show, or maybe a game. You might have a nice hobby, but pretty much we all fall into a routine. It ends with you trying to get some sleep, which for me is never easy, maybe you use a CPAP, but it is always sexy to put one on. Plus you check at work for people with lines on their faces like you! You pretty much spend 5 days just like this, then comes Friday and the weekend is almost here!!!!!!!

We all live for the weekend! We eat out, go to movies or sporting events, visit family or friends. We do chores around the house.