In Her Own Words

By Janet Tanzer and Ariella Damelin

Many people struggle on their own with troublesome issues. Meet seven women and their nurturing therapist Janet Tanzer. Read their stories, written in their own words. See how they learned valuable tools of how to relate more effectively to others. Their stories will encourage you to seek therapy when you need help. You will reach for this book

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tanzer/Damelin
• Release date: Feb 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781988980126

Book preview

In Her Own Words

By Janet Tanzer and Ariella Damelin

and with the collaboration of six other brave women who wrote their own stories and chose aliases

Copyright © 2020 by Janet Tanzer and Ariella Damelin

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, without prior written permission.

Cover design and copy editing - Aaron Rachel Brown

Content/copy editing - Heidi von Palleske

ISBN 978-1-988980-12-6

Dedications

Janet

In memory of my parents Bobbie and Richard Kunreuther, who always supported and encouraged me to follow my dreams.

Ariella

To the six

Gaby, Nathan, Billie, Sasha, Levon, and Leni

With love

Foreword

by Ariella Damelin

In the spring of 2014, I concluded my therapy journey with long-time marriage and family therapist, Jan Tanzer. At the time, I was leading writing workshops for people living with cancer. Ariella, your writing workshops must be so empowering for your clients, Jan commented.  For a long time, I’ve harbored a fantasy of writing a therapy book with some of my women clients.

Well, why don’t you? was my immediate response.

Oh no Ariella, this is really just a fantasy.  I could never write a book. I’m not a writer. I am a therapist, Jan emphatically answered.

Undeterred, I continued, Maybe you and I could work together and make your fantasy a reality… Let’s talk some more about the possible format of this book, what it might look like. 

So began our supportive partnership that led to the creation of this book. Jan provided the voice of the therapist, and I, having experienced therapy with her, acted as both one of the writers and as an editor.

Although our academic backgrounds differed, we both worked to empower our respective clients to make changes for themselves; to help them attain authenticity, to recognize their strengths and to become the centres of their own worlds. We both appreciated the privilege of working with our clients, learning from their courage and admiring their determination to change. For these reasons it seemed fitting that we work together on this project.

At our first official meeting, we toasted the start of the creation of our book over a glass of wine and chose In Her Own Words as the working title.

From day one, I took notes during our meetings that I later forwarded to Jan for further reflection and discussion.

My first question was: Why do you want to write this book, and for whom are you writing it?

I want people to realize that going to see a therapist reflects strength and is not an indication of weakness or of being problematic. On the contrary, it takes courage to face challenges and work on difficulties. Engaging in therapy is an opportunity for growth and change and reflects a person’s commitment to becoming more authentic. It’s no easy task, Jan replied.

When we discussed the format for the book, we both decided it should be a collection of therapy stories. Jan would invite seven of her female clients to write the story of their therapy experience with her and she would write her view of the therapy process with each of them.  Each client would have a dedicated chapter. Seven clients. Seven chapters.

Although the therapy journeys differed, all were courageous. Some were continuous, and some involved taking a break and coming back. Along the way, some clients returned to school, some changed careers, some left marriages and some remarried. All these intelligent women had difficulty validating themselves. The theme of invisibility ran through all their stories.

At all times, Jan encouraged her clients to recognize that they were capable of making changes in their lives. She emphasized the importance of changing their responses in their relationships rather than reacting to and trying to change their spouses, children, parents, friends or colleagues. She stressed that once her client changed, the relationship could not remain the same. But Jan emphasized that change is not immediate. It takes time.

The clients Jan chose for the book understood that persistence, faith and the belief that they could change were necessary for therapy to be effective. The process would include growth, slippage and further growth. Ultimately it would be self-affirming, leading to feelings of empowerment and authenticity. The women she chose were among those who strove to stay the course, acquire the tools for change, absorb and apply them. Each learned to deal with ‘change-back’ messages from partners, children, parents, and even friends and co-workers who attempted to return her to a more familiar role. Jan coached her clients to try to maintain a generous spirit while speaking their truth.

Jan and I discussed how to best guide the women in writing the stories of their therapy journeys. As a first step, I wrote my story and Jan wrote her version of our process together. From this interchange of stories, we were able to develop a paradigm for the remaining chapters of the book.

As a next step, we met with the other participants for them to get to know one another and to discuss the purpose and process of creating the book. At that meeting, I explained that I would be both a co-writer and an editor. The participants introduced themselves and shared why they had come to Jan initially. They immediately recognized the common themes running through their stories, and that their courage had enabled them to turn their troubles into opportunities.

The women talked about how, from the moment they met Jan, they felt safe with her: they felt that she was in their corner and that she had their backs. She always pointed out their strengths rather than emphasize their weaknesses. She encouraged and cheered them on to expect their needs to be met; to expect to be equal in their relationships; and to do what they love to do rather than what others expected of them, both personally and professionally. They talked of the tools Jan had given them to deal with difficult relationships, as well as the helpful books she recommended. All commented on how Jan had enabled and empowered them to have a voice, to be heard, to become visible.

My job is always to work myself out of a job, Jan said. When your voices emerged, there was a domino effect. Relationships around you started to change. You continued to care for others but learned how to take care of yourselves at the same time.

Next, I talked about the plan for the writing project. I asked participants to write an initial draft of their stories in the first person, using names, places, and events as they were. When the time came for publication, each writer would choose an alias. All names, places and events would be changed and disguised to ensure and protect the authors’ privacy as well as the privacy of those close to them.

I suggested that as they write, the women consider the following questions:

What issue(s) precipitated your request for therapy?

What did you hope for as an outcome of therapy? What happened to that hope over time?

What was the therapy experience like for you, including growth and slippage? What feelings did you experience during the therapy process – for example relief, anger, frustration, worry, guilt, fear, and pride. Spend time on this question. Challenge your memory. Give specific examples. What did you feel like when you experienced growth? What did you feel like when you experienced slippage?

Was the therapy different than expected, and if so, in what way?

In what ways are you different now than when you began therapy? Be specific.

I gave each person a copy of the questions.

I then read the story of my therapy journey out loud. I emphasized that what I wrote was a work in progress. I had written many drafts, distilling the writing each time. I stressed that, Writing is rewriting and rewriting and rewriting. I then asked each participant to write the story of her own therapy journey and email it to both Jan and me by a specific date.

As the drafts arrived, Jan and I met to read and edit them together. I also edited Jan’s versions of the clients’ therapy process. Drafts went back and forth between us and the authors.

A year later, after editing and re-editing, we took the next step. We invited the authors to meet once again to read their stories out loud to one another. I asked that constructive feedback be given once each author had finished reading. 

Laughter mixed with tears as the women listened attentively to stories read in clear and distinctive voices. Mouths dropped open in astonishment. Heads nodded as incidents resonated. Insightful comments, questions of clarification, as well as helpful suggestions followed.

Each story revealed how Jan had begun to work with her client on the presenting problem. The next step in therapy was for Jan to learn about her client’s family of origin. Common themes emerged from the stories: invisibility; over-functioning; feeling overburdened by the needs of others; feeling undeserving of having needs acknowledged and met; dealing with difficult relationships with parents, siblings, husbands, children; and helping children get through divorces feeling safe and supported.

At the end of the evening, the women commented that reading their stories out loud was an emotionally different experience from writing them. Listening to others’ stories made them feel less alone and they valued receiving feedback.

The following day Jan and I received this email from one of the authors: "Last night was an amazing and rich life experience.  I came into the evening with a lot of trepidation for many reasons but clearly you know what you are doing. What will make our book special is not just the words but the experience of the journey together. It is an honour to be invited to be part of this important