Cultivating Curiosity: Using Questions to Build Authentic Relationships

By Rebecca Adkins

When curiosity is infused into our lives, it amplifies the beauty around us and in our relationships. Cultivating Curiosity is about using great questions to build solid connections. There are four things we can do to let our curiosity run wild. This book provides you with a simple plan that is easy to incorporate into your existing rel

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Sep 17, 2020
• ISBN: 9781647733216

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CULTIVATING CURIOSITY

using questions to build authentic relationships

Rebecca Adkins

Trilogy Christian Publishers

TUSTIN, CA

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive

Tustin, CA 92780

Copyright © 2020 by Rebecca Adkins

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked (KJV) taken from The Holy Bible, King James Version. Cambridge Edition: 1769.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

For information, address Trilogy Christian Publishing

Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, Ca 92780.

Trilogy Christian Publishing/ TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Manufactured in the United States of America

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 978-1-64773-320-9

ISBN 978-1-64773-321-6 (ebook)

Contents

Dedication v

Acknowledgements vii

Introduction. Why It Matters ix

Chapter 1. The Art of Selling Friends 1

Chapter 2. Healthy vs. Unhealthy 19

Chapter 3. A Home Worth Fighting for 37

Chapter 4. Fast and Furious 45

Chapter 5. Building Curiosity 55

Chapter 6. Questions 73

Chapter 7. Community 81

Chapter 8. Inner Circle 87

Chapter 9. Work Relationships 93

Chapter 10. Marriage 99

Chapter 11. What, Are You Crazy?! 105

Chapter 12. Relationship Benchmarks 111

Chapter 13. Know Your Tribe 129

Chapter 14. What Are You Looking For? 133

Chapter 15. Confidence Through Community 141

Chapter 16. Framework 147

Chapter 17. The Beginning 151

Appendix. Blind Spots and the Enneagram 155

References 161

About the Author 165

Endnotes 167

This book is dedicated to my husband, Lee, and the incredible people in our lives. My life is so full of richness and life because of you! I am deeply blessed by your friendship every day, and I am so thankful that God has placed you all in our lives! XO

—B

Acknowledgements

To Lee, for always believing in every crazy (yet awesome) project I take on! To Charlotte and Jennifer for the painstaking editing hours you put in!

introduction

Why It Matters

It was a sunny, warm August afternoon, and I was sitting in the plain white patio chair on our covered patio. With multiple conversations happening all around me as my kids played on the lawn, I was thoroughly enjoying the moment. This was one of my favorite days of the year—A day filled with friendship, great conversation, and all of my favorite people. Today was my birthday. And after our annual food fight (that included cupcakes and any condiments you could possibly find in the refrigerator), we finally cleaned up and settled into our conversation; my husband initiated it, every year he does this. And I do the same on his birthday. We slow down and take time for a question.

How has Becca impacted your life this year, or what is your favorite memory of her this year?

Then as friend after friend went around and shared either a funny story or a moment of impact that I had made on their lives.¹ It was an incredible moment, but not as clarifying as the conversation we had after everyone started to leave.

My sister-in-law (to be) and I were talking. I asked, How can we support you as they were getting ready for the wedding? Honestly, she said, teach me how to do this… as her finger reached out in a swirly direction indicating the conversation that had happened on the deck that day. Teach me how to have friendships like this. I have no idea how you do it.

You know it wasn’t always this way, but through that conversation, I realized why it’s so incredibly important for people to have a group of people around them who are cheering for them and rooting them on.

People that one can be real around, without masks, without putting on a show, or feeling like they have to perform in some way to make everyone like them. I remember the days when I wondered if they like this version or the mask that I was wearing? Was I too bubbly? Was I too quiet? Was I too intense or weird?

It seems like no matter what mask I wore, it never fit and it was never enough. Apparently, we have over 7.5 Billion people in this world, and still, we seem to be more isolated than we have ever been. With more people on the planet, how in the world are we still so lonely?² It’s almost like having friends or community, is a magical unicorn that lives in the pixie forest. And you can only find it with glowing blue pixie dust! They are almost impossible to find, and sometimes relationships can be so hard!

Community feels like it is so hard, but we all need it. We all crave it—a place to be seen, to be heard, and to be ourselves without judgment or rejection. Relationships are messy... They’re hard... You never know when you’re going to walk into a relationship and whether it’s going to be something that breaks your heart or something that’s safe enough that you can hold on to it.

The truth is, it wasn’t always something that I had. In fact, for many years, I rejected the idea of needing friends. I threw up my walls and surrounded myself with all the goals and accomplishments that I could do—And pretended that the marriage and the children relationships were enough in my life. I learned very quickly that life is so much more abundant, radiant, and wonderful when you do it in community. No one’s going to be perfect, we are all going to be messy, and no matter what mistakes we make within the community, we can learn to have grace, not only for others but also for ourselves. And the most ironic part of it all is that my favorite part about being in relationships with people is that it’s not all about me.

Did you hear that? Being in a friendship means it’s not all about you. You are not the most important person in this world, and with a little bit of a balanced ego, together, we can build a community in your life. A community in your world that is so life-giving and radiant so that no matter what hardships this life may bring, you’ll know that you can face them. You will know that you can walk through and navigate each and every situation having the support that you will need able to rise above it.

chapter 1

The Art of Selling Friends

My Starting point: The Art of Selling Friends

I remember it like it was yesterday. You know those memories of childhood that are so vivid, yet so real, and you never forget those moments. My moment was in second grade; I had developed a talent, an art form of sorts. My very best friend was (ironically also) named Becca, yes, she was a real person. She was kind and genuine... the kind of girl that I aspired to be like, but never quite felt like I measured up to.

Everyone loved being around her; she was helpful and smart, but also kind in a way that no one else had been to me that year. It was almost as if I didn’t know what to do with it... So one day, Ester, another girl from the class (one who I rarely got along with), was sitting right behind me. She had a short pixie haircut and always had the funniest backpacks and best pencils.³ I asked her if I could have some fruit snacks? You see, she was one of those cool kids that always had the super amazing yummy gushers. (And if you grew up between the ‘90s and the 2000s you know what I mean). Those were the coolest snacks to bring to school. At the request of sharing her snack, she responded back quickly, No, I won’t give you some, but I’ll trade you. I told her I didn’t bring a snack today, so I don’t have anything to trade you for.

Well, how about you trade me. I’ll give you my gushers if you don’t talk to Becca for an entire day… and before my little brain took the time to think through the consequences of my actions. I said yes… Yes, to hurting my friend, and at that moment, I had no idea that years later, I would still regret it.

Yep, that really happened, I traded my best friend for some gushers. High fructose corn syrup, gooey syrup in the middle was what I had traded for a friend who had been loyal and kind. ¹

For whatever reason, that always stuck with me. But it’s interesting to see how sometimes we forget the intrinsic value of the people around us and we’re willing to trade-off that friendship for something that really doesn’t matter. A few years later, I very clearly understood and deeply regretted my error and apologized to her, but the point is this, the way we navigate our friendships can be messy. We can make mistakes that deeply hurt someone for years and not realize it.

Previously Conceived Notions

You see, growing up, we were a pretty tough family. I grew up on the western slope of Colorado