Battling Childhood Scars: Silence Never Heals It Kills

By Jerrena Payne

Most of us blot out physical, mental, sexual, or spiritual abuse by building mental barricades to calm the raging pain. Fear becomes our hiding place. One of our biggest challenges as humans is breaking the code of silence, because doing so forces us to face the ugly, bitter truth.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Palmetto Publishing Group
• Release date: Jul 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781641111560

Jerrena Payne

Jerrena Payne surrendered her life to Jesus Christ summer of 2003, in Jacksonville, Florida, where she grew up. After receiving various certificates from the University of North Florida Small Business Development Center, Florida State College, and the Christian Life Training Institute of Life Churches International, she is now working toward her clinical psychology degree at Regent University. Jerrena has faithfully served the Christian church and community for over a decade. Her responsibilities have included evangelism, assistant pastor, youth organizer and facilitator, church planting, outreach coordinator, praise and worship leader, intercessory prayer, administration, nursing home evangelism. She also volunteered with senior service organizations. Through street evangelism, Jerrena has reached troubled youth and families in some of the most dangerous criminal and drug-infested communities of Jacksonville, Florida, and Atlanta, Georgia. Jerrena Payne hosted her radio broadcast Voice For The Hurting Intercessory Prayer on Victory 94.7 and Praise 107.9 for nearly six years. Today she continues her ministry of reaching hurting people worldwide, including Africa and Western Europe, through her television show "Healing In Deep Waters, on NOW Network. Jerrena is a serial entrepreneur, certified transformation coach, licensed missionary, and published author. Many refer to Jerrena as "genuine and a realist." At only 5 feet tall, she's a little giant attributed to her kick-in-the-butt attitude of no-nonsense wrapped in love. She is determined to reach hurting people with the voice God has given her.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

_____________________

Fight Back

T

hanks for granting me the opportunity to share my story with you. My goal is to reach people who are hurting globally with the voice God has given me. I am committed to helping others gain true freedom through Christ Jesus. I believe that by the time you read this book in its entirety, your life will change forever. Demons that have haunted you and plagued your mind will surrender their weapons. Family and personal secrets you're afraid to talk about will no longer control you. You will be able to own your truth, resting assured that God has your back. If you read this book with an open mind, while trusting Jesus with your heart, you will gain strength and power to face that giant and whip it once and for all! You deserve to live a life free from the constant mental breakdowns, panic attacks, and the anxiety of traumatic experiences. Dwelling in the pain of your past keeps you feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied with life. Choose to break ties with victimization; because God says in Him, you are victorious! You have the power to shut the light switch of doom and gloom on or off. Dwelling in a dark past only robs you and those you're connected to of the peace and joy you deserve.

My friend, I know you may find it challenging to open up because you're hurting, but I want you to fight back. You have a voice! Your past experiences will work together for your good even though it feels the opposite at present. Understand that your life experiences of triumph and the low points of trauma can work as a far greater purpose than you could ever imagine. God is the master of turning bad situations around, and I am a living witness of this truth. Take back your power, take back your life, walk in peace, and confidence. Jesus is your surety and security, provider and protector, confidante, and comforter. He will never leave you or forsake you. There is a reason you chose this book today. God is saying to you, Now is the time to break free from chains and yokes of bondage that have left you empty, defeated, and stuck all of your life. Enough is enough.

Understand that you must break free from the chains of past, it hurts God to see you in this condition when you don't have to remain there. Unfortunately, due to the mountainous giants of guilt and shame in our lives, it causes us to silence the antagonizing pain of past or present while going through the motions of the game called life. However, the danger of keeping secrets and sweeping demons under the rug is they always haunt you because they never left. As a result, we don't get healed in those broken places because it is too painful to deal with it. So, history repeats itself, leaving behind a trail of generational curses and dysfunction for our children and loved ones to follow. Everyone coming behind us becomes enslaved to the evils because we've neglected self-care for so long. Our mother and grandmothers said to us, What goes on in this house stays in this house. This was true, especially if you were of African American descent. In many households, the issues are never addressed, spoken of or even acknowledged. The effects are kept silent, in other words, swept under the rug and taken to the cold, shallow grave. We weren't allowed to ask the question, Why? We learn to silence our voices because speaking up would get everyone into trouble, including ourselves.

Sometimes we wonder why there is so much pain. It may be difficult to understand why a loving God would allow a crisis to come knocking on our door. Well, there is an evil culprit behind the madness who hates you and I. His name is Satan, a fallen angel who was once good and who lived in Heaven. He decided one day that He wanted all of the glory, honor, and praise that the angels gave God for himself. He turned jealous, prideful, and rebellious. God cast Satan and a third of the angels who followed him down to earth. Now our world is filled with so much pain and sorrow as he roams to and fro seeking whomever he can destroy. Let's read one of my most favorite biblical passages.

REVELATION 12:7-11 ESV

Now war arose in Heaven, Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. And the dragon and his angels fought back, but he was defeated, and there was no longer any place for them in Heaven. And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, which is called the Devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him. And I heard a loud voice in Heaven, saying, "Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.

When Jesus shed His blood on the Cross at Calvary for our sins, He became the propitiation for our sins, meaning that the Devil no longer owned us, making it impossible for him to defeat us. We proclaim Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior believing in His death, burial, and resurrection, even if it costs us our lives. If our open confession costs us our friends and family, we still must follow Christ. When you belong to God, no accusations held against you will stand in God's court of law. The Devil continually reminds God to this day of our sins and faults. However, because you belong to God, the accusations are overruled, and the verdict is not guilty. Because of the blood, Jesus shed for us, God declares it so. Only the blood of Jesus can wash away our sins. You must choose to walk in your truth and own it. You are not who people say you are; you are who God says you are, no matter how hideous the offense.

ROMANS 8:33-37 ESV

Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, For your sake, we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

I refused to become the labels people would place on me or just another black statistic. I didn't let victimization deter me from getting this book into your hands. Doctors diagnosed me with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and for a while, I felt sorry for myself. The doctors prescribed me four different medications in the past, but it only made matters worse. I chose to roll up my sleeves, cry through it, fight through it, crawl through it, depending on the Lord to get me through. The miracle is I have not taken any medication to assist me in writing this book. And I persevered, even though the Devil told me that no one would read it, all while reminding me that I have no educational degree in writing.

Although the ADHD diagnosis may have been accurate, I depended on Jesus and the power of His Holy Spirit. As I began to write from start to finish, I had one thing in mind: YOU. You deserve the love of God, The Good Father, as much as anyone else. Some time ago, a physician also diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder, mood disorder, bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorder. I thought the therapists were out of their minds at this point, and they only wanted to pump me full of medication so they could milk the insurance companies for dollars. While participating in counseling sessions, I begin to notice these physicians were the bipolar ones. Many of them were on medications and experiencing significant issues in their own lives. Medical malpractice and misdiagnoses have become such a phenomenon today. My diagnosis happened, even though I was winning souls to Christ while serving my church and community. I preached the gospel, and people were delivered, but secretly, I returned home and battled depression, wanting God to take me out of my misery. The hair on my head had fallen out so severely that my children said I looked like a cancer patient.

I must tell you the truth when you choose to change your life: get ready for pushback. The Devil will not be happy when you decide to break ties with him! He will use your mind against you, as well as family members, situations, and so-called friends. He will attempt to shut you down and shut you up, but oh, NO! Push back by breaking the silence! Let him know you are the Redeemed of the Lord, and in the name of Jesus, you say so. Fight back, fight back, fight back! You will win if you fight him with prayer, the word of God, consistent action, and obedience to God.

You won't win if you continue fighting in your strength. You may feel unworthy and rightfully so because we are fallen by nature. But God redeemed us from eternal damnation, and He says you are more than enough! You mean so much to God that He sent His only begotten son to die, execution-style so that you may live. It is time to rise from the ashes, dust yourself off, and receive freedom once and for all. Jesus offered up His life for you, so stop telling yourself you're unworthy. God has shown you how greatly He loves you, and He has not changed His mind. God is not here to punish you, call you names, or reject you. God is not confused or surprised at what happened. He called you and predestined you for purpose before the foundations of the earth. When you were in your mother's womb growing and developing, God knew you. God also called Prophet Jeremiah from his mother's womb. His purpose was to warn Israel of the approaching Babylon captivity. God loved Israel to the moon and back. He was faithful, and He took care of them, He was present through it all. But, just like many of us, it wasn't good enough, and they wanted to do things their way. Unfortunately, their disobedience and rebellion against God resulted in their captivity, bondage, generational curses, pain, and considerable suffering.

Many false prophets made empty promises to the Israelites. Today, we call the act of prophecy by false prophets, profit-lying. They fabricate and manipulate people for selfish gain. They are money hungry children of the Devil. However, today, if false prophets turn from their ways, repent and live for Christ, their sins will be forgiven. The works of God align with His thoughts and who He is. He handcrafted you precisely to fit His plan, and He is calling you to a higher purpose. God made no mistakes when he created you. When you humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and call on the name of Jesus, He will rescue you from all of your troubles. That doesn't mean you won't experience difficulties; it just means you will defeat them all through the power of Jesus Christ and His precious blood. When you talk to God, He will hear you and heal you. Sometimes our unpleasant circumstances are consequences of our bad decisions, but you can decide now to break free from your inner prison!

CHAPTER 1

_______________

Offenders Are Still Called

L

et's talk about a few imperfect people who messed up during the biblical age. Mr. Lot and his daughters fled to Zoar because God rained burning sulfur onto the city of Sodom and Gomorrah. This place was filled with idolatry, rebellion, homosexuality, and every wicked act, you could think. One day Lot's two daughters got him drunk without his knowledge, committed incest with him, and each birthed a son. These chicks were liars, deceitful, nasty, untrustworthy, slick, and anxious. Now, Mr. Lot isn't off the hook either; remember, he was willing to give his daughters up to gang-rape. All the men from every part of the city of Sodom, both young and old, surrounded Lot's home. They wanted to have sex with the two men that were angels who were in Lot's house. Lot told them no, but instead offered his two daughters. God knew all of this before He created Lot and still considered him righteous. You can find this story in Genesis, chapter 19.

God loved David deeply, and David loved God. God called David a man after His own heart. David was obedient and did what God asked of him. However, David was a whore, a liar, deceitful, and a cold-blooded killer. His sons also followed in his footsteps. In the book of 2 Samuel chapter 13, we learn of more drama, this time with David's children. One day, under his instruction, his virgin daughter went to her brother Amnon's house. Amnon lied to his daddy David by pretending to be sick while asking him to send Tamar to his home to bake bread for him.

David loved his children but didn't discern what was happening. To make matters worse, David's brother Jonadab was the culprit behind the plan because he advised Amnon on how to pull the conspiracy off. Long story short, Amnon lured his sister Tamar to his house. He was insanely in love with her. He desired relations with his sister and raped her. After he relieved himself, he hated her with intense passion. He told her to get her filthy self-up and get away from him. To make matters even worse, his brother Absalom found out what happened. He played it cool as if he knew nothing, and at a convenient time, he killed his brother Amnon two years later. I could only imagine the pain and confusion David experienced.

I need to stop here for a brief moment. If you are a parent or consider yourself one who has experienced something similar, I want you to let it go. You cannot continue beating yourself on the head with a bat over something you couldn't control. You did the best you could with what you had, and you must release the guilt, or you will drive yourself to an early grave. Do not punish yourself another minute over what happened. Now, if you could have done better but didn't, God loves you just the same. Confess your fault, ask of His forgiveness, and move forward. People may judge you based on the offense, but God judges your heart. He knows why you did it and understands your thought process. God does not and will not condemn you, so neither should you condemn yourself. If you are a person who committed the offense(s) done by either Amnon or Absalom, if not both, it is all under the blood of Jesus. What do I mean by that statement? If you confess your sin, God will forgive you. That does not mean there will be no consequences for your actions; it means that no one can charge you spiritually with the crime because you're redeemed from eternal damnation through the blood of Jesus. In God's court of law, anyone who asks of forgiveness turns from their sin and confesses Jesus as Lord is not guilty. Jesus defeated every offense at the cross of Calvary, so there is no need to defend yourself because He already did it for you. In the name of Jesus, I release you from every deceitful lie of the enemy that torments you! So, receive it.

Moses was a mighty man of God! Moses worked countless miracles before the eyes of many through the power of God. Heck, Moses even transcribed the Ten Commandments the second time around. But Moses was filled with doubt, and sometimes he didn't like the people who followed him. He gave up quickly and always made excuses for why he couldn't do what God asked of him. Moses was a murderer, disobedient to God, and a fugitive. Moses was far from perfect, never making it see the Promised Land. However, God still called Moses. He protected him since birth, made a covenant with him, and loved him until death.

Rahab's name was dragged through pig slop and mud. Her fellow people knew her to be a whore. However, this whore protected the spies that Joshua sent to spy out the land of Canaan. She knew of God but, at the time, had no relationship with Him. Soon after her encounter with the spies, she surrendered her life to the Lord. Her entire house was saved as a result of her decision! She was no longer a whore; rather, she was a child of God; a history legend! Rahab was also the mother of Boaz. He was a wealthy landowner of Bethlehem in Judea. Today all the single ladies holler they want a Boaz as Rahab's son. Ladies, you know the story of Ruth and Boaz in the Bible, if not look it up. Side note, I don't want no one else's Boaz, and neither do you. Shoot, I learned the first time, as you will later read! I only the man God has for myaz.

The point of all this rests on this truth: you must confront what you haven't defeated. I don't care if you were the victimizer or the victim, it is time to heal. You're always on the defensive because you feel frustrated and disoriented. You experience mind battles while replaying hurtful words and experiences. When will you have had enough? When will you decide to humble yourself and receive help? Everyone is not out to get you. People love you, but you can't see it because you're blindsided by pride, pain, guilt, and shame. Change has come knocking at your door, and it isn't too late to receive it. How do I know? Because when I answered the door, my life changed for the better forever! Many of you desire to change so desperately but don't know where to begin. Rest assured, God will show you how. God is not looking at you, burning with anger. It hurts Him when you go through mental turmoil because you weren't created to live like this. Remember, the process of recovery may be uncomfortable, but it is a necessity. If you make it through the process, you will win!

CHAPTER 2

_______________

A Silent Killer

S

ilence kills the drive and thrives of life. It creates barriers to opportunities because you make the bubble of fear your hiding place. This dysfunction manifests itself through broken hearts, broken trust, and broken relationships in vicious cycles. It affects your ability to make healthy sound decisions, and it eats away at you like cancer. You don't see it, but you know it's there. You can hear it talking to you in the never-ending spiraling thoughts of your mind inflicted by induced trauma. Many of you toss and turn all night deprived of sleep. You replay past experiences, failure, hurt trauma, and abuse in your mind. Feelings of outrage begin to resurface if you encounter someone who reminds you of your abuser or those you abuse(d).

What happens when you face the person who violated or betrayed you? How do you handle situations as you meet those you victimized? My friend, if you refuse to deal with these issues at the root, you are guaranteed a ride to an early grave. Many of us are victims of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. The truth is our victimizers are