Sex Down Under: Information, insights and sex education for grown-ups

By Matty Silver

Sex is an area of life that historically has been as­sociated with embarrassment or shame and inhibits many Australians having a healthy attitude to sex. Matty Silver is originally from The Netherlands, but has lived in Australia for more than 30 years, giving her an international and unique perspective on the Australian se

• Language: English
• Publisher: Matty Silver
• Release date: May 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9780646818771

Matty Silver

Matty Silver is a relationship counsellor and sex therapist in private practice and a sex commentator. Over the past six years she has written for several magazines and for Fairfax publications - such as the 'Sydney Morning Herald' and 'The Age' - followed by a regular blog for 'The Huffington Post Australia'. She is the President of ASSERT NSW, the Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Introduction

My reason for writing this book is to break down and de-mystify some of the taboos and barriers around sex, and to encourage people to feel more comfortable talking about it. I bring to this work an open-minded and objective approach to sex – a topic that can be highly emotive and often irrational. It is an area central to people’s wellbeing and one where the resolution of difficulties means a great deal to them. I grew up in a small village in The Netherlands, a liberal country with a much healthier attitude to sex than many other cultures. During the 1970s, a time of sexual liberation, I moved to Amsterdam at age nineteen, a global hang-out for hippies and tourists. With homosexuality already decriminalised in 1811, it was seen as the gay capital of the world.

The open mindedness of the city made it the sex capital of Europe. The most famous tourist attraction was the red right district ‘De Wallen’ a network of alleys where prostitutes sat behind large shopfront windows, illuminated by red lights. Tourists wandered through the streets in their thousands, on a daily basis, just to have a look. There were also sex shops, sex theatres and even a sex museum.

For several years I lived above one of these shopfronts. During that time I got to know many of the women. They were in their twenties, thirties or even older and some were married with families. In those days, being a prostitute was nothing to be ashamed of. It was considered a profession – a healthy service to society. I experienced it as a normal part of everyday life. The women were just part of it and I developed a lot of respect and understanding for sex workers.

I met my future husband, an Australian filmmaker, in the seventies and he came to live with me in Amsterdam. Some years later we moved to Australia. Over the next so many years I had some diverse and interesting jobs. One of the things that struck me during that time was the contrast between the sexual liberation I had become accustomed to in The Netherlands and what was going on in Australia.

Coming from an open-minded society that views sex as a normal part of life, it wasn’t long before I realised that the sexual liberation I experienced in Amsterdam had not yet arrived in Australia, or perhaps was suppressed. For example, my first steady boyfriend was allowed to spend the night with me at my parents’ place – for them, it was considered quite natural that we would sleep in the same bed. This attitude helped me guide my daughters through their teenage years by offering them the space to ask and talk about sex, which was quite unique as most of their friends’ parents did not see it that way.

Around 2000 a friend suggested I look into becoming a volunteer Lifeline telephone counsellor. I did and enjoyed counselling so much that I started a course at the Australian College of Applied Psychology (ACAP).As part of my practicum I worked in Surry Hills at the office of Impotence Australia and the Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists (ASSERT) answering telephone calls from men and women about sexual issues and concerns.

During these years I began to really understand that most Australians viewed sex very differently to the way I did. I can recall many conversations with callers who were too inhibited to even say the words penis, sex or vagina and often they would refer to the genitals as ‘down there’. I was saddened that there was such a taboo around sex, but it also gave me a light bulb moment. I decided to become a sex therapist and enrolled in the Master of Health Science (Sexual Health) course at Sydney University.

Now, almost ten years later I’m a practising relationship counsellor and sex therapist. It’s my experience that most couples experiencing relationship difficulties often need help dealing with sexual issues as these often go hand in hand. Over the last decade I have combined skills in both these areas to help many couples and individuals move past sex challenges and restore fun, intimacy and respect in their relationships.

Over the past six years, I have written sex and relationship articles for many magazines and for Fairfax publications, such as The Sydney Morning Herald and The Age. These were followed by a regular blog written for The Huffington Post Australia, which unfortunately closed down at the end of 2017. I also became President of ASSERT NSW, the Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists.

Sex is an area of life that historically has been directly associated with shame – one of the most devastating emotional experiences in humans. Today, this appears not to have changed much for many people. This means they feel shame or embarrassment when attempting to talk about sex in a real way and so they avoid the subject.

Shame inhibits having a healthy attitude to sex. Getting the help one needs becomes very challenging, and many couples separate because of sexual issues which could have been easily resolved with the right information.

To make our sexual experiences more fulfilling, we need to shift our attitude – sex needs to become a natural and healthy part of everyday life. I feel this is essential to our wellbeing, happiness and positive relationships.

I also feel this change in attitude is essential for the safety and wellbeing of teenagers. Due to the rapid spread of technology, information – or perhaps more often misinformation about sex – is easily available. Pornography in particular creates unrealistic expectations about what is ‘normal’ and what is not. Teenagers are having sex much younger and often do not receive the right education at home, in school or from society in general. This lack of education, when combined with the shame or taboo status of sex and the distorted ideas and images of gender roles and expectations that young people are exposed to, can have damaging consequences for their lives.

These days it is very usual for people to spend time, energy and money on looking after their wellbeing. They might do this by getting fit, eating well, taking care of their mind, body and soul so they can feel good and have a fulfilling life. But sex is an area that most people are still unwilling to spend time or money learning about. This often means that unhelpful attitudes to sex create a range of negative experiences for people. These include feelings of sexual and romantic insecurity, unhappiness in relationships or fear of getting into relationships.

The book offers readers simple tips, advice and information aimed at creating healthy attitudes to sex and dispelling many of the unhealthy myths that prevent people and couples from having a satisfying sex life. I am convinced that developing a healthy attitude to sex improves self-esteem, the quality of relationships and overall wellbeing.

The book deals, in short chapters, with many of the issues I encounter in my counselling room, and in telephone, Zoom and Skype sessions all over Australia, New Zealand and English speaking Asian countries. Some of the conditions discussed within these pages may be unfamiliar or confronting, however the aim is to help readers understand that most of the issues are very commonly experienced and can be resolved.

I will share important insights from ten years’ spent helping people to move past challenges and improve their sex lives. I feel we need new attitudes to sex here in Australia and it’s my job to help people changer their attitudes. Sex must come out from under the covers into mainstream discussion if we want a healthier, more caring society.

Chapter 2

What Does a Sex Therapist Actually Do?

Whenever someone asks me what I do for a living and I tell them that I’m a sex therapist, most of the responses I get are quite funny. A look of disbelief, a nervous laugh or giggle – usually people don’t really know how to respond right away. Then the invariable follow-up question: what does a sex therapist actually do and what happens in a sex therapy session?

Sex therapists are qualified counsellors or other health-care professionals who have had special training in issues related to sex and relationships. We use our specialised clinical skills and theoretical knowledge to help couples and individuals tackle every sex-related concern you can think of. We are very comfortable talking about sex and nothing is off-limits or taboo.

Our goal is to help our clients make their relationships and sex lives as enjoyable and fulfilling as possible. That might be different for everyone, but there are some key principles that work for most couples and individuals. Talking about sex and intimacy may initially feel awkward, but we are trained to put people at ease and are skilled at identifying and exploring their concerns.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a counselling experience where the clients have identified their problem as a sexual one. Unlike other types of counselling, sex therapy focuses on human sexuality and intimacy, facets of our lives that are often difficult to discuss. It is based on open conversation in a comfortable non-judgmental atmosphere where single and partnered individuals, no matter what their sexual orientation, can feel safe.

Sex therapy helps men resolve issues such as premature or delayed ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or impotence, performance anxiety and sexual problems after illness. Some issues for women are loss of desire for sex, difficulties experiencing an orgasm, painful intercourse or problems when reaching menopause.

Concerns for both men and women can be mismatched sex drives, lack of sexual enjoyment or intimacy. Other issues can be confusion about sexual orientation, gender identity, disability and sexuality, compulsive sexual behaviour and past sexual trauma.

Through sex therapy, couples can discuss desire discrepancies, intimacy issues, jealousies, infidelities, lack of sex education and other related relationship problems. Sometimes the fear of confronting the issue and perhaps discovering that they are not compatible is so powerful that some couples delay asking for help or guidance. They might have easily solved their problems but by waiting too long they suffer for years and by then it can be too late to save the relationship.

Why is talking about sex so difficult?

It’s really quite astonishing that so many people find it very difficult to talk about sex.You’d think that in today’s world we would be more open-minded than our parents, more relaxed and comfortable with it, but frequently the opposite is true. In fact, it is often a sensitive and awkward topic that may raise feelings of embarrassment, shame or inadequacy.

But this shouldn’t be a surprise, given all the negative messages that most of us received about sex when we were young. Unfortunately the lack of proper sex education means most of us don’t even have relatively basic information. In our society sex is just not an acceptable topic for conversation – not too many people talk openly about their sex lives at work, a party or the dinner table.

We are led to believe that sex is something that comes naturally and we should be instinctively good at it, which isn’t true. We are taught from a young age how to perform most basic human tasks and, as we get older, we learn how to study and get a job. But we are just supposed to know how to have sex. In reality the key to becoming a good lover is by having good communication with your partner.

Having sex is an extremely intimate act; we can feel very vulnerable and uneasy, and find it difficult to have a dialogue. Fear of rejection, not performing well enough, body insecurities or anxiety about disclosing an unusual sexual desire can stop us from communicating freely.

Misunderstandings

I’ve received calls from women who book in an appointment for their partners, insisting he has the problem and he should be fixed! They don’t realise that the issue is a couple problem. Nothing is more confronting or demoralising for a man to be told that he is a ‘dud’ in the bedroom.

It’s just as confrontational for women who are asked by their partners all the time: ‘why haven’t you had an orgasm yet; what is wrong with you?’ Again this is caused by a lot of misinformation as research has shown that only one in five women are able to experience an orgasm during penetrative sex. That’s why it is so important to have the right information.

How therapy works with couples

When I counsel couples, both have the opportunity to talk about their issues with me as the third person. They often can’t solve them on their own because the hurt, anger, disappointment, accusations and fighting have led to a stop in talking altogether. As I am very aware of how anxious clients may feel talking about such intimate issues with a stranger, making them feel comfortable and relaxed is a priority.

The first session for a couple usually takes about one and a half hours. We discuss what they believe the issue is, when the problem started, whether their relationship was once a happier one, why do they think the problem happened, and whether they have tried to resolve it on their own? Also crucially, what do they expect to get out of the session?

There is a sense of safety in a counselling room that allows people to divulge and express themselves rather than staying silent; even anger is allowed. Often couples start telling each other things they usually wouldn’t, simply because I am in the room as the mediator.

After seeing them as a couple, I sometimes see each of them separately for a confidential session. This time alone often helps the individual answer the tougher questions more honestly and clearly. Anything discussed in this session is strictly confidential and isn’t brought up in the next couple session unless they want it to be.

I have rarely encountered a problem between two people that I didn’t feel was somehow resolvable. I am a solution-focused therapist and often two to five sessions are enough to get excellent results.

Therapy for individuals

About forty per cent of my clients are males who come to talk to me about some sort of sexual dysfunction that has affected their confidence. Some issues they deal with are premature ejaculation, losing or sustaining their erections or having difficulties ejaculating. It can be difficult to achieve sexual confidence with so many unrealistic expectations of what normal sexual behaviour should be. Loss of erection is one of the main issues, especially for younger men when they start out in a new relationship; but it also can happen to men who have never had this problem before. Even in a stable relationship, a single event can be a frightening experience and anticipating the possibility it may happen again can become a self-fulfilling fear. Other issues are premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, which are also very upsetting.

In our session I would take a detailed sexual history and try to find out when the problem started. For example, one of the questions I would ask a young man – do you also lose your erection when you masturbate? When the answer is no, and I assure him that there is nothing physically wrong with him, his face would light up with sheer relief. After a list of other possible causes is ruled out, it’s often a performance anxiety issue, which can be successfully treated with counselling, practical sexual advice and reassurance. Sometimes a single session is enough.

The same happens for women who believe they have lost their desire, experience painful sex or have difficulties achieving an orgasm. By taking an accurate history I can identify and clarify the issue, help to get a better understanding of them and together we can develop the right strategies.

Unresolved sexual problems

Relationship counselling embraces the concept that sex will get better as the relationship problems are solved. But I don’t believe that; it’s my experience that unresolved sexual problems are harmful. Sex therapy focuses on improving a couple’s relationship and sex life by addressing the problems in