A Hole in the Fence: Getting to the Other Side of Divorce

By Lynn Carroll and Judy Johnson

About the book
This book peels back the layers of the divorce experience like an onion, while sharing how the author discovered that with every emotion and circumstance God was present. Using the "hole in the fence" to picture the process of divorce, she describes how some people led the way to the other side; some walked beside and took her hand;

• Language: English
• Publisher: Healthy Life Press, LLC
• Release date: Nov 24, 2014
• ISBN: 9781939267894

Lynn Carroll

Lynn Carroll is a retired colonel and fighter pilot. A twenty-nine-year veteran, he served in all organizational levels of the Air Force. He continues to consult on future military concepts and technologies. Carroll was stationed in Korea for a year and lives in Arizona with his wife, Barbara.

Book preview

Anger

A

Abundance

Anger

This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God (James 1:19–20).

After the initial shock and disbelief, my most powerful emotion was anger. What do you do with all this anger that bubbles up, and if not tamed can become a poison? My anger was directed at the situation when I found out William was unfaithful to me. I was also angry that the life I thought I had, and would have in the future, would now be drastically different. I was going to have to figure out what to do next and how to handle this situation. It felt overwhelming to have to do this alone. There were so many things that I had never had to think about before, and having to make so many decisions by myself was very unsettling.

But anger can be a catalyst, at least initially, for action. How do you get out of complacency when decisions must be made? Anger acts to force decision making. When the initial anger recedes, this can make way for other emotions, and healing can begin.

In The Divorce Book: A Practical and Compassionate Guide by McKay, Rogers, Blades, and Gosse, the authors discuss the psychological traps that people fall into during and after divorce. I believe their thoughts on anger are very insightful.

The anger serves two purposes. First, it helps mask the most painful feelings of worthlessness and not ok. The feeling of worthlessness is extremely disruptive psychologically. It can hold you back from making adaptive changes in your life; from reaching out and seeking those things that nourishes you.¹

I believe their point is that this anger is a protective mechanism. The authors go on to explain: The second purpose of anger is to provide energy. There are two possible responses to feeling victimized and betrayed: You can collapse or you can take care of yourself. Anger helps mobilize you to take the risks necessary for change.² I believe the anger I felt propelled me into action. It was something I needed to get myself going. I have heard that some men and women fall apart when their spouse commits adultery and they just retreat and become powerless.

Thankfully, my anger made me decide I had to act. It caused me to find the right people to talk to about the decisions I had to make. In that way, the anger was a positive thing. When I found out about the other woman I felt like I had been run over by a Mack Truck. I was stunned. But I knew that I could not stay in a marriage where the ultimate betrayal had taken place. Even though the relationship had changed, it was still a shock to be hit with this reality that there was someone else. I could no longer rationalize how things probably were OK.

One of the first things I did was to consult a friend whose daughter had been through a recent divorce. She advised me to talk to a lawyer even if things worked out between us. This was good advice because I had facts to deal with. I was given information about how to proceed, and also some idea of cost.

The anger propelled me to listen and weigh these facts and not just make an emotional decision. The anger also propelled me to ask William to leave the house. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but I knew I could not live in the same home with him anymore. My children were young adults, so I could talk to them frankly about this and explain why I felt this necessary.

Anger is an inevitable part of a divorce, but it is unhealthy to stay angry. How can you move from anger to action if that is where you are right now? There are still times that I find myself feeling angry about what has changed in my life. When this happens, I try to focus on how far I have come.

Days with negative emotions will come inevitably, because that is part of life. But I know that we have a Savior who reigns. I had a friend tell me right after the breakup that the sun will shine again. It was a real comfort, and he was right.

Abundance

For if by transgression of the one, death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ (Rom. 5:17).

Can love, life, and happiness become abundant again? I have a close friend who told me, Time heals all things. I think she was right, to a point. Time does indeed help. Family and good friends can help as well to make new memories so that the negative ones can recede.

My father was very sick before he died, and the last months of his life were filled with suffering. This was very difficult to see and be a part of because he had always been such a jokester. After he died, my memory was crowded with the sad days, and at times I pushed those memories away to get through the day.

In time, our family could begin to recall the funny stories and crazy things that he did. I remember several months after my father’s death, being together with my kids and my mom. I told them a funny story about how my dad sat in front of the house dressed as a ghost one Halloween night. I didn’t know he was doing this since I’d left with my friends before he went outside. As I walked up the sidewalk, I saw this figure dressed as a ghost sitting on a chair in the front yard. Pretty soon it was chasing me! I ran away screaming and my dad laughed so hard, calling, Lynn! Come back; it’s me! Telling that story broke the ice that heavy day, and we realized we could laugh and tell stories and that my dad would love that much more than us being sad. The sad memories had receded, and the happy ones had surfaced and