When Divorce is Right

By J. Bruce Sofia

“My purpose in writing this book is to lay hold of God’s heart in every chapter, offering hope no matter how deep the pit. Corrie Ten Boom, a beautiful believer who endured the savagery of a Nazi concentration camp, put it this way: ‘There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still’.” So writes Dr. Bruce Sofia in his newest book, When Divorce is Right, as he shares God’s heart on this heartbreaking, and often misunderstood, controversial topic.

For nearly 40 years Bruce Sofia has helped struggling couples find hope through broken dreams and crumbling marriages. With grace and grit, Dr. Sofia tackles such pivotal topics as biblical reasons for divorce, dating while
in the midst of a divorce, responding to infidelity, the actual biblical command to divorce, and divorce in the ministry. Cutting through common controversies with uncommon sense, clarity, and a realistic exposition of the
Scriptures, Dr. Sofia opens wide the very vulnerable heart of God, and leaves no doubt as to when divorce is right.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 21, 2014
• ISBN: 9780989651882

Book preview

Acknowledgements

CHAPTER ONE

WHY ANOTHER BOOK ON DIVORCE?

For the first time in my pastoral life I said, "Get out! Get out for your life’s sake, for your children’s sake, and for God’s sake. Mrs. A, Get out!" I could not believe what I was hearing coming out of my own mouth. I confess, I had said those words in my mind before, but never out loud.

She came to our Church through the youth group, and served in the church where Sheryl and I first entered full-time local Church ministry. In the work place she excelled at her job. He was strong, well-built and handsome — and professed to be a Christ follower. But he lived on the wild side of life and exhibited behaviors that raised all kinds of red flags. She, like far too many ‘good’ Christian girls, got pregnant. Wanting a marriage that would honor God, she set up counseling in accordance to my request and church policy. He never came with her — not one time; there was always an excuse. Reluctantly, I refused to do the wedding.

Miss A meant the world to Sheryl and me, but I just could not in good conscience say, I’ll officiate your wedding. Miss A went to the pastor of the church she was attending. He counseled against the wedding, as did I, but what was he to do — she was pregnant and they wanted to get married.

I can still hear her words — they ring loudly in my ears, I knew it was wrong walking down the aisle.

The marriage was hell on earth, if there is such a thing. (Let’s take a Holy Ghost detour, or maybe it’s a JBS detour, but whatever it is, it’s worth going there. I don’t believe anything we go through in this life can compare to Hell. Seriously! There is a reason why Jesus died and it wasn’t to provide another way, it was to give man a way out, a way to escape the eternal jaws of a place no one in their right frame of mind wants to go.) He beat her. While pregnant with child number three, he knocked her down a flight of stairs and then kicked her in the stomach, cursing and calling her every foul name not found in the dictionary. When he would become abusive, which was far too often, the two other children would scream out, Mommy, Mommy! Words that should be warmly delightful were, in this case, milk-curdling and terrifying.

The Hebrew word is Selah, essentially meaning, Meditate on what was just said. What child could go unscathed having such memories indelibly etched into the deepest recesses of his or her mind?

Josh McDowell in his booklet My Journey . . . from Skepticism to Faith, which describes his childhood and how he came to know Christ, recounts that at the age of eleven he had premeditated his father’s murder over and over again. He had seen his father beat his mother mercilessly too many times. There was only one person I hated more than God, Josh recalls, my dad.

As you can imagine, there’s so much more to Mrs. A’s story — infidelity, abandonment, and, lest I be remiss, high-jacking the call. Could Mrs. A really fulfill her calling of a mother training her children in the way they should go in that environment? Yes, there are times — I wish I did not have to say it — when divorce is right.

Today, God has brought into the life of Mrs. A a wonderful, loving husband and father. The family still wrestles with the damage done to the children by her first husband, but God has been faithful and honored Mrs. A’s pursuit of Him. She still attends the church she attended as a young teen when I was its Youth Director, serves faithfully sharing Christ, connecting people, and serving others. Yes, God majors in the impossible. He loves turning the uglies of life into something beautiful; and when we let Him, He finds the plus in a pile of minuses.

I must admit, it is with reluctance and great trepidation that I write, When Divorce is Right, not because I believe what I pen is wrong, but because in divorce everyone is a victim. It is true, there are winners in divorce, Mrs. A was one of them, and so were her children. But everyone, to this day, is a victim.

I am convinced that there are two primary reasons why God hates divorce: One, everyone is a victim — even in the best of scenarios (Malachi 2:6), and two, divorce is a broken mirror of what God is — love (1 John 4:8).

However, the truth that God hates divorce, yet at times commands it, must be raised for God is truth (Exodus 20:2; John 14:6). What people do with the truth is between them and their Maker, but we cannot veer from the truth because someone may mishandle it. For example, we must continue to preach salvation by grace whether people cheapen grace by their behavior or not. Our obligation before God is to present the truth as we understand it. Why? Because the truth is: We are saved by grace, through faith and not by works (Ephesians 2:8–9). The same is true of divorce — there are times when divorce is right even though God hates divorce.

Let’s expand on this truth a little further. We must, as the bumper sticker declares, DO RIGHT and Give the Consequences to God. For example, we may ‘hate’ to give our kids a spanking, yet God clearly states, the rod of correction drives folly out of the heart of a child (Proverbs 22:15). Therefore, we, when merited, place the board of education on the seat of learning. Another example is that a person may hate taking a particular medication – they just don’t like the way it makes them feel. However, because it cures the problem — they take it. Hence, even though God hates divorce doesn’t mean He may not command it.

Why does God command divorce? So that the greater calling of accomplishing His purpose would be consummated (Ezra 10; 1 Corinthians 7:15). The ways of God are beyond

us because we see in the temporal and God sees in the eternal (Psalms 145:3; Isaiah 55:8). God has not called us to death, other than dying to self for His glory and will — He has called us to life. It is true, at times we win by losing and we live by dying. Yet, in these instances losing is winning and dying is living. It’s the paradox of Christianity, as Charles Colson profoundly put it. Here’s the key: no matter what God calls us to, it is life in abundance (John 10:10).

Wayne Monbleau, host of the popular radio program Let’s Talk About Jesus, suggests that when Scripture is not black or white on a subject, the best barometer is to ask: The decision I have to make — is it life or death? If it is death, then most likely it is not of God for Jesus came to give life and that more abundantly (John 10:10). In some instances divorce is life — as in the case of Mrs. A. To remain in that marriage was death. God clearly calls us to an abundant life — in fact, that is the only life He gives – abundant and eternal.

Many argue that divorce is never right, and should a person divorce he/she can never remarry. If that were true then God would not have issued a bill (formal acknowledgment) of divorcement in the first place. The whole purpose for a bill of divorce was to formally validate (both scripturally and civilly) a couple’s divorce and provide a means for a person to remarry (Deuteronomy 24:1–4; Isaiah 50:1; Jeremiah 3:8; Matthew 5:31).

Although in this book it is not my intent to exhaustively address the subjects of marriage, divorce, and remarriage, it is my aim to share insight and biblical substance to help the reader appreciate the heart of God in these matters. Experience has taught me that far too often those in the church get caught up in the legalities of Scripture and miss God’s heart. It is with utmost humility then, that the purpose of this book is to lay hold of God’s heart.

There is a reason why Jesus did not give instructions to the woman at the well who had five previous husbands and lived with a man to whom she was not married. Think about it! If Jesus had given instructions in this particular situation, far too many pastors, would-be-preachers, counselors, minister leaders, etc., would reference this as God’s how to and apply it to almost every situation. In so doing, the advisor thereby would miss weighing the hearts of the individuals in each unique case. Is that not what our Lord does here? Accesses the woman’s heart and then renders His decision and direction. Remember God sees what we cannot see — the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).

Jesus does not tell the woman at the well to go back to husband number one (that would transgress God’s instruction in Deuteronomy 24:4), nor does He tell her to marry the man with whom she was living. What we do know is that she believes in Christ, her life is changed, and she becomes the first woman evangelist in the New Testament, seemingly converting her entire town to belief in Jesus as Messiah and Savior of the world (John 8).

Whatever it was this woman did with her marital situation, guaranteed, it was right — for she had come to know the One who never got it wrong. Ever! Recall her description of Jesus when she went back to her hometown, He told me everything I ever did (John 4:39b). Everything! Now, that’s covering a lot of ground in a few minutes — or hours.

Although the scriptural narrative does not give us any further conversation between Jesus and this Samaritan woman, I suspect that she and He discussed her plight, and whatever it was that Jesus told her to do, she did it.

That is what God wants us to do, put each individual case on the altar of His Word and will, and seek His mind. Then, once we accept God’s will, we must act in faith without doubt (Romans 14:23). The late Dr. Jack Hyles said, There is no reason why the mind that was in Christ Jesus cannot be in us (Philippians 2:5). Certainly, Dr. Hyles was correct. We are commanded to lay hold of the mind/attitude of Christ in all matters — including divorce and remarriage. Jesus said, Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you (Matthew 7:7).

If we ask, seek, and knock, then the mind of Christ will be given to us. Indeed our gracious, loving Heavenly Father will reveal the destiny He has designed for us, and grant us a peace that can only come from knowing we have laid hold of His will and are walking in it (Philippians 4:7; Colossians 3:15).

QUESTIONS

1) Have you ever told a person to get out of a marriage (to divorce)? If so, why?

2) What is the reason why the author gives us yet, ... another book on divorce?

3) Why does the Bible not tell us what Jesus told the Woman at the Well regarding her live-in situation?

4) When Scripture is not black and white (absolutely specific) on a particular situation, what is a good barometer to use?

5) After reading this chapter, what question would you ask?

CHAPTER TWO

APPROACHING THE SUBJECT

When I was in fifth grade there was only one student who came from a divorced home. I am sure there may have been others, but if there were no one knew it. Today, the scenario is altogether different.

A few years back my sister, Mrs. Sandy Clendenen, who teaches one of our third and fourth grade Sunday School classes, took prayer requests. On this particular Sunday, nineteen out of twenty-three kids wanted to pray that Mommy and Daddy would get back together.

That’s the world in which you and I live!

I believe everyone, if not directly then indirectly, has been touched by divorce. Much is written about this subject today, but my observation is that few truly look at all God has to say. Furthermore, those who do look at the entire Bible typically self-select which passages they reference and then interpret the Scriptures in light of their own personal theological background, rather than objectively looking at all passages relevant to the subject. Certainly, I don’t mean to be judgmental of those who bring their theological or philosophical backgrounds to this subject; if we are honest we’ll admit this is true of all of us. For instance, the hymns we sing today for the most part are born out of human experience. Yet there was a time in the Church when only singing songs directly from Scripture was permitted. Both have their place and contribute to our worship experience (Ephesians 5:19). So our interpretation of subjects relational to our culture and society also emerge from human experience and they, too, have their place in the library of Christian thought. However, no matter from what posture we approach hymns, psalms and spiritual songs, or the subject of divorce – God’s word remains our final authority.

Born out of the crucible of divorce, each chapter begins with a real-life scenario that sets the stage for the subject addressed. My purpose in writing this book is to lay hold of God’s heart in every chapter, offering hope no matter how deep the pit. Corrie Ten Boom, a beautiful believer who endured the savagery of a Nazi concentration camp, put it this way: There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.

God desires permanency in love and anything less shatters His ideal. As we explore His standard we will discuss the effects of not merely falling short of God’s ideal, but shattering it as well. Because it is far too easy to bounce ideas around philosophically, apart from the tears that accompany a broken heart, we will address the biblical license, allowance, and command to divorce as scrupulously and forthrightly as possible. In so doing, I would like to explore the three biblical reasons divorce is permitted: abandonment, sexual infidelity, and hijacking the call, along with additional problems common to divorce.

For example, we’ll look at the consequences of dating before one’s divorce is final and the challenge of responding biblically to sexual infidelity. Why are sexual sins greater than all others? What is the difference between forgiving and forgetting? Is there a formula, per se, for restoration and wiping slates clean?These are real questions needing real answers that can bear up beneath the very real weight of reality in a complex world. Any answers, any solutions, other than God’s heart as revealed in His infallible Word, fall painfully short of truly solving the problems facing those of us living in a Hollywoodized, post-modern and post-Christian world. (Postchristianity [1] is the decline of Christianity in contemporary societies. It is the belief that the loss of the Christian monopoly in political affairs, especially in the Global North where Christianity had previously flourished, will eventually lead its demise in favour of secular nationalism.[2] It includes personal world views, ideologies, religious movements or societies that are no longer rooted in the language and assumptions of Christianity, at least explicitly, although they had previously been in an environment of ubiquitous Christianity, i.e. Christendom. Wikipedia)

While there is never a way around such challenging dynamics, only a way through them, it is important to consider the principles discussed for facing their aftermath in this book: What are some of the fundamentals for healing a broken heart? Who comes first, spouse or children? How do you make a blended family work? Are there realistic guidelines to entrusting the mess you’ve caused, or the mess you’ve found yourself in, to a sovereign God, believing that He will work out all things for your good? (Genesis 50:20; Romans 8:28)

It is my prayer that through our exploration of the subject of divorce, the Spirit of God will give us His heart. Let us become a generation that refuses to be ripped apart by divorce, while still giving those affected by divorce the measure of healing necessary to wipe slates clean, move forward in forgiveness (a two-way street, Matthew 6:14), and change the world in which we live by demonstrating God’s love, God’s way, to His glory.

QUESTIONS

1) What does the author mean when he says, Few truly look at all God has to say regarding divorce? Have you found that statement to be true or false?

2) Corrie Ten Boom says, There is no pit so deep that God ’s love is not deeper still. Where have you found that to be true in your own life?

3) Although