The Devs Must Be Crazy

By David Anthony Brown

In Albion's Trial—an MMO game where players plug their brains directly into the server—members of the Rabid Squirrels Guild work together as friends to find the best loot, defeat the toughest monsters, and brave the darkest dungeons.

 

At the Phoenix Dive, Riseera meets her guildies at the worst possible time. During a lag spike. To escape the lag, the Rabid Squirrels accept a quest from a nose-picking bartender.

 

But Riseera's memory of the quest does not prepare her or the guild for the adventure to come.

 

The game has just begun.

 

If you enjoy gamer lit with a heavy dose of naughty humor, be sure to read The Devs Must Be Crazy. Bonus short story included: On Rabbits, Holes, and Shivs.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Hermit Muse Publishing
• Release date: Mar 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393371137

Book preview

The Devs Must Be Crazy

The Devs Must Be Crazy

David Anthony Brown

Hermit Muse Publishing

Copyright © 2021 by David Anthony Brown

Published by Hermit Muse Publishing

Cover image © AtelierSommerland/CanStockPhoto

Cover design by D. A. Brown

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

The Devs Must Be Crazy and On Rabbits, Holes, and Shivs were previously published under the pen-name D. Anthony Brown. The latter is also available as a stand alone edition.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any real world resemblance is purely coincidental.

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The Devs Must Be Crazy

1

It took Riseera ten minutes to cross the room.

The Phoenix Dive was a normal tavern for Albion’s Trial. Purple banners, with the goat head sigil of Fontenac City and the Lord Mayor’s coat of arms, hung from the ceiling. A near spotless plank floor, clean despite all the drunk NPCs (and players) dancing and spilling stale ale about.

The corner table had the gratuitous shady quest giver, complete with crossbow on his back and hooded cloak.

The place smelled like a beer factory. A goblin could get drunk just taking a deep breath or two. Riseera couldn’t get in a breath, though she wanted the alcohol badly enough, even if it was all in her head. The lag was killing her. Slowly.

Three of her guild mates—Lola, Vermac, and Tabella—were in the back corner table, not far from Steve the Bartender, who had his finger out in mid nose-pick, a string of snot hanging in midair. The normal hangout spot, besides the guildhall.

Riseera waved, her arm felt like it was moving through a molasses flood. The smell of cheap ale—never did give a real buzz anyway—disappeared altogether, replaced by the sensual nothingness of the game servers slowly stuttering back to life.

The dancers stopped moving completely, frozen mid-pose, some of them in rather awkward stances. On tippy toes, arms wide, bent at the waist in odd angles.

Riseera, a goblin herself and waist high to most other characters, felt trapped in a sea of long legged giants. Pesky humans and elves, with their tall bodies.

One of the NPC female dancers had kicked a leg up near Riseera’s face, plain woolen skirt sliding down a lean leg like an extra slow moving glacier, almost revealing more than a thigh. Riseera couldn’t look away, literally.

The game unfroze and life went back to normal speed. The dancer swung her leg in an AI-precision move over Riseera’s head. The heady bittersweet scents of beer and the steady breeze that rolled through the tavern returned, along with the background chit-chat. The goblin healer took a few careful, hesitant steps.

Maybe not a full ten minutes passed, but it might have been half an eternity later when Riseera sat down with her friends.

What the f… she said. She heard the uck in her head, but knew deep down nobody else did. Pretty bad when the chat systems were lagging too, along with everything else. Her guildies seemingly stared at her blankly, faces not moving at all. Kind of a weird Ultimate Stare of Doom, with the paralysis effect but sans willpower drain.

Lola’s face moved first, the narrow elf face softening, the dimples deepened as the smile spread and reddened her cheeks. Taby purred, her cat ears straight up, the gold and silver earrings glinting in the dim tavern lights. The fur on her forehead was colored differently. Where it normally was orange and black, now had frosted streaks of silver like snow in the Ordessen Mountains.

Vermac was the only one definitely not moving. He stared at Taby, his real-life wife, with beady rat eyes narrowed and snout open. One narrow claw held up, as if to make a point.

The lag receded again.

…Backdoor Adventure, said Vermac. He sat still a moment longer before leaning back in his chair. He opened and closed his mouth, stroking his whiskers. Umm… Is what it’s called. The quest.

I’m guessing there was some context to that, said Riseera.

Hey Ris, said Lola.

Hey hon, Riseera replied.

Yeah, said Vermac. The devs come up with some lurid names for quests and such.

Probably a bad day for questing, said Riseera. With the monster lag.

It’s only in Fontenac City, said Vermac. The quality of life updates or something. Anyway, the devs are only working today on the city, not the quests outside the gates or in the sewers.

Terrible day for auctioning, said Lola. Trust me, I’m staring at merchandise worth a million-odd gold sitting in my account, doing nothing.

Only a million? Riseera chuckled.

The elvish rogue hid her blush behind a stein bigger than her head. She wore black, form fitting leather armor with fingerless gauntlets and a wispy, shadowy cloak.

Vermac had his heavy armor on, except for the helmet, which sat next to his mug. He was the team paladin, tank, and constant source of ill-conceived taunts with double entendre. His cloak and tabard featured the guild’s sigil.

A squirrel’s face, with round buggy eyes and buck-tooth fangs.

The paladin Skaynav slammed his fist into the table. You’ve been quiet, love. What do you want to do?

Taby had her tail above the table and wrapped around one wrist. A ring decorated each of her fingers, a different gemstone set in each. At least two of those rings had enchantments, if not all of them. Taby—enchanter, dabbler in alchemy, crazy warlock—was known throughout the realm for overkill. An enchantment for every occasion, she always came prepared.

I’ll do the Backdoor Adventure, she said. She extended a razor-sharp claw and pointed at Steve the Bartender. But I’m not talking to that creep ever again.

Steve the Bartender muttered to himself while peering into an upside-down mug, one eye half closed, a finger two-knuckles deep in his nose.

Riseera sighed. Remind me. What is the Backdoor Adventure? Isn’t that a low level raid?

Low level, said Vermac. But not a raid. It’s one of those quests that teaches you the basics of raiding.

Meaning it has crazy traps, said Taby.

I can handle that, said Lola.

But, continued Taby, Do you even remember what’s inside? That’s what I thought. Neither do I.

I’m sure it’s been changed since we did it, said Riseera. But I’m ready if you guys are. What do you think, Lola?

She shrugged. "Better than sitting here, waiting for