I'm Not Your Teacher

By Laine Watson

My mom and I don't have the best relationship. Hell, we barely even talk, but she did give me a valuable lesson once: Don't ever say I love you. I made sure to heed her words of wisdom, and because of that, I lost someone who I thought was my first love, Nathan. I'd even go as far as saying, it kept me from investing all of my heart in a relationship. At least, that's where I think it went wrong with Gareth… That, and the fact that his best friend, David, was absolutely gorgeous.

I tried my best to stay away from him, especially because David was my student teacher, but it wasn't as easy as I thought. His kisses were imprinted in my mind and they confused me more than they clarified anything. We moved on, but remained friends- friends who didn't always talk, but always watched out for each other.

When Jonny came around, I promised myself I would try harder. I'd surpass the insecurities my mom instilled in me, fill the empty holes of my life with love, and invest completely. Until I realized, my mom was right. Her words protected me from guys like Jonny, who used the word love as a means to an end, and not as a beginning.

It seemed like my life could be defined by failed relations and one valuable lesson. Little did I know, David had a lot more to teach me than just music appreciation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: May 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781716951954

Laine Watson

Laine Watson is a published author of three novels and counting. She dabbles in graphic design and songwriting. She enjoys writing, reading, singing and video games--whenever time permits.

Book preview

inyt pb

I’m Not Your Teacher

First edition. October 2, 2019

Laine Watson Books

Published By

Mir.Mad Works

A Division of Mir.Mad, LLC

Atlanta, Georgia

Copyright © 2019 Laine Watson. All Rights Reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental and not intended by the author.

Laine Watson

Visit my website at www.LaineWatson.com

Laine Watson Books and Mir.Mad Works are registered trademarks of

Mir.Mad, LLC.

Cover Design and Editing by Touch Creations

new lw logo black

Don't miss out!

For more books, upcoming releases, events, sales, giveaways and freebies, sign up for my Newsletter

https://www.subscribepage.com/t0l9e7

THANK YOU!

Prologue

When I’m very young, my mother tells me something very important, or maybe it’s very important to her. It’s late one night; she has been at work all day and just got home. I join her to watch TV, even though she looks to be thinking more than watching. From time to time, she checks her phone. I want to hug her or something, but she isn’t one for hugs and kisses and all that affection stuff.

Momma, I say, not really having anything to say; I want her to notice my presence. She doesn’t say anything for a while, so I stare at her.

Yeah? she finally says, her eyes still on the screen.

Oh, I thought you were sleeping. I smile slightly, masking my true feelings which are more of ‘please Momma can you just stay home tonight?’ But I’d never say that.

Nah, I’m not sleeping. I should be. I have work, and then school tomorrow. I just wanted to have a little fun.

Oh… I say, not knowing if that was a window into whatever she was thinking about or if she was suggesting that I’m not fun. Either way, I keep quiet. We sit for a while more. She keeps checking her phone, peering past the TV and I split my time between staring at her and looking away.

She breaks the silence with a deep sigh, and turns to me. Mai, listen to me. She pauses, and I turn my whole body toward her, listening with all of my being as she continues, Never tell anyone you love them, if there is a fragment of doubt. Hell, don’t love anybody, if there is a fragment of doubt that they don’t love you. Her eyes seem intensely sad and her face serious. If you do, it’s going to be a lot of hell for you. You stay away from that shit.

Yes, ma’am. I gulp.

Don’t ma’am me, I’m not your grandmother. She snorts, turning away from me and getting up off the sofa. I watch her leave the room and not return. She doesn’t tuck me into bed or even tell me to go. I wonder if that’s why she never tells me she loves me. Is she unsure that she loves me? I am certainly unsure of it. But then again, I have nothing to compare it to. Love, affection—anything like that eludes me.

Not long after that, she walks through, grabs her keys off the small table by the door and says, Go to your room. Lock the door and don’t come out unless you have to pee. She opens the door and shuts it as she goes out.

I do what she says. I always do. And I keep doing it, and I continue being okay with being left alone all the time. Knowing what love is, or even if it is important never occurs to me. It doesn’t seem important to my mother, neither does the relationship we share. I rarely see her, but I know she is at work, or at school or ‘having fun’ as she says.

When we are together, if one of her friends comes over to the house, I often hear her say, Oh, she’s not a problem. Mai does what she’s told.

She is right, I do. I go to school, I come home, I stay home, and I never complain.

That is, until I go to high school and realize my life is lonely and sad. There is no more school for my mom, just work and having fun. She no longer tells me to stay in my room. I am free to do as I please, she leaves me money, gets me a phone and gives me no curfew. It is impossible for her to enforce it anyway.

And so, the one thing that has any meaning to me is the one thing my mother has made an effort to tell me not to do. However, she never told me not to fall in love, which is what I really want to do. I want to love and be loved, and let that happy feeling wash away the isolation.

My ninth-grade self, knew no way of emerging from the loneliness. Then on a spring day in junior year, I meet Nathan Packer. A man bun wearing, brown eyed hipster with a great smile. The most handsome sixteen-year-old I have ever met.

By chance, one day in the hall, I panic while standing in front of my locker and am unable to move. He flicks a huge ass spider off my shoulder. After the initial shock and staring at him for longer than is comfortable for both of us, somehow, we start laughing. I thank him and he says, You’re cute, when you think you’re about to die.

Even though he’s only sixteen, he seems more grown up to me. After that first day we spend so much time together. He is like this beautiful alien that came from somewhere else to save me, not just from that spider though, from everything. All my mother’s absence, all the things I don’t understand about myself and, he saves me from.

The more we hang out, the more uncomfortable I become around him, yet the more I want to be around him. He’s my first experience of being aroused. He’s my first kiss. Kissing him is the most pleasurable thing I have ever done in my life. I could kiss him for hours. We do kiss for hours. I’m always over at his house, he’s always over at mine. My mom has seen him a few times. Strangely though, it seems like Nathan’s presence in my life has given her an excuse to spend even less time with me. I barely see her at all, which of course, is fine with me. No supervision means Nathan and I never have to look over our shoulders when we explore each other’s body.

I want to get caught, though. I need my mother to care enough about me and my whereabouts to burst in through the door and scold me. I’d love for her to impose herself in my life, or hell, just be present in it … but that’s not what happens. I guess concern is far too much to ask of her.

What does happen? The loneliness comes back. Not all at once though, it slowly creeps its way back into my mind and occupies the space in my heart. But, me and Nathan never actually have sex. After a year of being together, here we are, standing in the middle of the hallway near my locker on the last day of school. I lean against the locker as he speaks to me.

What are you doing for the summer? Nathan asks.

Mm. I shrug. I don’t know…

He gives me a relaxed smile. You’re so perfect when you don’t know what to say…

I know what to say, I defend.

He continues to smirk at me. We could go to the beach. There’s no way that my white ass is going to tan though. I want to do something. We always just make out or whatever. We should do something fun.

Fun? I guess I’m not fun, after all.

We both laugh, me nervously and he truthfully.

I like my skin.

I love your skin. You look like a doll; or like an Egyptian princess.

Is that a racist joke? I tease him, raising myself off the lockers.

He immediately blushes. What?

Oh, my gosh, calm down. I’m just kidding. Why’re you being weird? I ask, tossing my back onto the lockers again.

I’m not. I just meant—

You don’t have to explain it, Nathan.

Are you sure? I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.

I know you don’t care about that stuff. I don’t either. I shift my eyes down to the floor.

Yeah, I don’t. I care about you … I-I love you, he says, straightforward and with confidence.

I gulp, unable to bring my eyes to him.

What? Love me? I gasp. You don’t love me, Nathan. I’m nothing to love, and I don’t love you. So, please don’t say things like that.

Mai? he calls after I haven’t spoken for several seconds.

Why would he say that? Things were going so well! I want him, but I know I don’t love him. What am I supposed to do? Mom never told me how to get out of a situation like this. I scoff. Maybe he’s just saying it. It’ll be fine.

Mai? Aren’t you going to say anything? I just said I love you. He waits for me to answer. I know he can read my posture. His answer is in the tenseness of my body. Would you at least look at me? he implores, waiting for more. The silence is painful and interrupted by his fist slamming against the locker as he calls my name in a harsh tone, Mai!

I jump. I don’t love you! I blurt, finally looking up at him with a gulp. I don’t love you… This time it comes out calmer, Why’d you have to go and say something stupid like that. We were having fun.

What? he asks, arching his neck.

Do I say it again? Oh no, he’s got that look in his eyes. He hates me. Was he serious?

Before I can answer, his eyes tell me that he has already made something up in his mind.

You know what? Fuck it. Enjoy your summer… he says coldly, an arrogant smile about his lips. Turning away from me, he heads toward the double doors off the back of the school.

I silently plead with him. Please don’t walk away. You’re all I have. I can try to love you. I don’t want to be alone. I wonder if he is waiting for me to call to him or run to him.

I do nothing but whisper his name to myself, Nathan.

***

I never speak to him again. I definitely see him my senior year and he makes me feel like I have lost something. Maybe I have, but either way, I don’t really have any regrets. After him, I went back to being Mai—the girl who never gets in trouble, has no real friends and doesn’t have guys over at her house. My mother continues to work and ‘have fun’ while I prepare for college. I don’t go to prom. At graduation, my mother is late, and we don’t do anything afterwards. I let the summer pass and piddle around for a few months.

I want to go somewhere not too far, just far enough where it doesn’t matter that my mom is never around. Maybe I could be someone different, like a cool type of girl, who has lots of experience with guys and doesn’t totally freeze up in front of them.

I choose my school, take all the exams and tests I need to, and the next semester, which starts in January, I’m at Denington University. 

1: Den U

January comes, and there I am at Denington University, thirty minutes away from my hometown and my mother. I haven’t left any friends behind that would miss me, and I won’t miss anyone.

I go to see my counselor.

Hello? I say, walking into her office.

Oh, hello there! How are you? Ms. Mayberry, and you are?

Mai Owens, this paper says you’re my counselor, I say, handing her a piece of paper across her desk.

I sure am. Nice to meet you. Have you gotten settled in?

Yeah, my dorm is pretty cool. Not a lot of people on my hall, so it’s quiet.

Oh, you like quiet?

"I don’t dislike quiet."

She laughs. Well, sweet cheeks, you’re going to be just fine here. I see you are going into education?

Yeah, I think I want to be a teacher or something.

That sounds fun. I should have been one, but this is better for me. One person at a time. She smiles glancing at the paper again. "Ah, you’re getting your electives