Mother - I Am Gay

By Renee Mouton

This book is written from the heart, by a mother who has two gay sons. She describes the shock, the pain and the self-blame. All the emotions she expresses encapsulate how the love of her two boys carried her through the healing process. Through this journey - She answers all questions, gives you all the facts and guides you to a wonderful outcome. She now cherishes each moment as she watches her sons go through life. Their happiness is of utmost importance to her. She will not change it for the world!We cannot go against our nature. It is a natural instinct we all are born with - It is not a matter of choice and therefore it cannot be changed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jun 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781329233355

Book preview

Mother - I Am Gay

MOTHER, I AM GAY.

By Renee Mouton

COPYRIGHT

MOTHER – I AM GAY

By Renee Mouton

Copyright © Renee Mouton

Print ISBN: 978-0-620-65011-3

eBook ISBN: 978-0-620-65012-0

First published 2015

Layout, eBook conversion and distribution by Bonolo Rakumakoe

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means,

without the prior written permission of the publisher.

CONTENTS

MOTHER, I AM GAY.

COPYRIGHT

CONTENTS

PREFACE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

1. I Did It My Way!

2. I’m Leaving On a Jet Plane

3. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

4. Summer Of ‘69

5. Time to Say Goodbye

6. You Left Me, Just When I Needed You Most

7. He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother

8. Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree

9. Fly Me to the Moon and Let Me Play Among The Stars

10. Simply Irresistible

11. You Are My Sunshine

12. Because You Love Me

13. Love Changes Everything

14. This Is My Song

15. What a Wonderful World

PREFACE

This book is written from the heart, by a mother who has two gay sons. She describes the shock, the pain and the self-blame.

All the emotions she expresses encapsulate how the love for her two boys carried her through the healing process.

Through this journey – she gives you all the facts and answers all your questions.

This book serves to enlighten and give insight into a whole new world, a wonderful world you did not know to exist, a world with wonderful people that will embrace you and shower you with love everyday of your life. It will broaden your vision and turn a dark outlook into a positive outcome. You will be able to face every day with laughter and with a song in your heart. The bond between you and your child will be so much stronger than ever before, and you will have the knowledge, the wisdom and the courage to face any situation.

This is a ‘must-read’ for parents who have a gay child, family and friends of a gay person, and also for the gay person himself/herself.

Nothing compares to the love of a mother.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

For my three children and my two grandchildren – whose names I have changed, but they know why.

Roy - for having faith in me and buying me the laptop to write this book.

Madelein - for her patience while I kept changing the cover design.

To my two boys - Thank you for letting me publish this book and for your constant support and love.

To my daughter - I love the way you protect us all, I thank you for also sponsoring my book.

Lastly, to Bonolo, for converting my manuscript into an e-book and who never got tired of answering my questions.

1. I Did It My Way!

"I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO, AND SAW IT THROUGH, WITHOUT EXEMPTION.

YES, THERE WERE TIMES, I’M SURE YOU KNOW,

WHEN I BIT OFF MORE THAN I COULD CHEW,

BUT THROUGH IT ALL, WHEN THERE WAS DOUBT,

I ATE IT UP AND SPIT IT OUT!

FACED IT ALL, AND I STOOD TALL, AND DID IT MY WAY!"

I was in bed when the letter came, as if I had known that it was on its way. She came into my room and stood before me, just looking at me, holding the letter out to me.

Mother, David sent you a letter.

I did not answer her. She stood there for a long time, still holding out the letter, but I kept staring out of the window.

Mother, here is a letter for you, as if I hadn’t heard her the first time.

We never got any letters. If ever a letter came, it always was from him. It’s been months since we had last heard from him. We did not know where he was or what he had been doing. Since he left South Africa for Amsterdam, he was very quiet. I had almost got used to the idea of not hearing from him.

I tried not to think, and not to wonder. The pain and the longing was too much. It was easier not to think and not to wonder, avoiding all the questions that flooded my mind.

Since he moved away, I had no contact number or address. Those were the days very few people had cell phones or internet connections, now the letter.

Mother, are you not going to read it? She still stood there for a while, unsure of what to do, then she put the letter on my bedside table and left my room.

I knew she was lying on her bed, crying, but I did not have the courage to comfort her. She was a single mother, with two small children she raised on her own, now the letter.

Much later I got up and hid the unopened letter in my wardrobe under my clothes. I had difficulty in touching it, but I could not leave it there, staring at me, accusing me.

The next day she asked me again if I had read the letter. I did not answer her as I had the terrible feeling that there was something in the letter which I did not want to know about, and I wanted to put it off for as long as possible. I did not have the courage to read it. His father had died when he was only seven years old and I raised him all by myself. In times like this, I had to be strong and face the situation on my own. With no support system, I sometimes just felt that I could not go on. I had pushed myself to my limits many times before, I had to do it again, but this time it just seemed impossible, I could not get myself to open the letter. Being both mother and father all these years, had taken its toll.

The picture which I can never erase from my mind, is the day when he was just a little boy, the day I knelt before him, to show him how to tie his school tie. His father had died just a couple of months before. Tears were streaming down my face. What else would I still have to teach him, things his father should do? That day I just lost control and grabbed him in my arms and cried onto his little chest. I felt his arms around me and heard his sobs while we cried in each other’s embrace. His little sister tried to comfort us, but she too, cried onto me.

He is not a little boy anymore. He is not here with me. We will not be able to cry in each other’s arms. I will have to face it alone.

About a week later, Karen again came to my room. I was in bed as depression had me in its grip. Outside the sun was shining, it was a beautiful summers day. It was summer in Cape Town, but it was dark and cold in my heart.

Mother, have you read the letter yet?

I hear the tiredness in her voice. Why can’t she leave me alone? I do not want to read the letter.

Mother, I’ve read the letter.

Something tensed inside me. I just stared out of the window and wished she would go away.

Mother, if you do not want to read it, you don’t have to, then I’ll tell you what’s in the letter.

I did not want to hear it from her. I did not want to know what is in the letter. She stood there for a long time, just staring at me, before leaving my room.

I knew I had to read the letter, but I was too tired. I did not have the courage nor the energy, but by the way she looked at me, I knew she was carrying a heavy weight. It is not fair to let her carry it alone, but I still wanted to put it off for just a little while longer. I will read it tomorrow, but again I