The Muted Cage

By Milagros-Lotus "BeYouTy" Romero

“My father’s absence made me feel unwanted. My stepfather’s immorality made me feel defied. My mother’s inability to face reality, made me feel forsaken. My community’s neglect made me feel inconsequential. My church’s indifference made me feel wounded. My distorted perception made me feel broken and impotent. That was until I decided that it was ENOUGH!”

The Muted Cage is a window into the uncaptured mind of many victims of abuse. It's a straightforward account unimaginable abuse which led to great emotional devastation and then restoration. It will expose you to truths that will shake your core and may change how you judge others and how you view the world. Your life will never be the same.

“In spite of the hardship, affliction and the scars left behind, I am still here, making a difference and living my best life! I win!!!” ~ Milagros Romero

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Nov 19, 2020
• ISBN: 9781716476082

Book preview

ROMERO

Copyright © 2020 Milagros-Lotus Beyouty Romero.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any

means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission

of the author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews.

Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher

make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book

and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

ISBN: 978-1-7164-7609-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7164-7608-2 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982

by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 10/21/2020

"The revelation of what was buried and hidden away

It was hidden so deep, I had forgotten part of me,

But through her eyes I remembered; I remembered me.

Now I cried because I found the stronger part of me.

I wished I could cry for joy

but they were painful memories.

But I cried with relief because

now I knew who I am and why.

I am my yesterday.......my today........ and tomorrow."

Womb of Worth

You are not devalued

By your experiences or by your suffering.

You are not devalued

by your weaknesses or by your sins.

And you are certainly not devalued

by the abuse perpetrated against you.

You are not devalued

by your perceived lack of wisdom.

Your worth will never be altered by circumstance.

Your worth will always be as in the beginning.

You were intentionally created for greatness.

You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

You are the apple of God’s eye.

You are magnificent.

You are LOVED

You are unique

You are...

YOU

November 25, 2018

Hello,

Ambitious, passionate, and committed are just a few words that describe my interactions with Milagros whose work as a survivor, author and advocate have impacted the lives of many in our Virgin Islands community and beyond.

Milagros has supported the work of the V.I. Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Council (VIDVSAC) by sharing her story of survival having been exposed to domestic violence and experienced sexual assault as a child.

These experiences have not hindered her ability to shed a light on what life after trauma can look like when we accept our past and channel our energies to creating greater memories in our present and future.

Milagros is also a speaker whose teachings can serve organizations, professionals, and children in overcoming barriers and building sustainable advocacy efforts.

We are grateful for her truth and particularly, are grateful that she shared it with us and continues to do so with others who need to hear it in our community.

Sincerely,

Khnuma Simmonds Esannason

Executive Director, VI Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Council

November 25, 2018

Hello,

Milagros Romero is an amazing woman that has a genuine love for young people, particularly young ladies!

I had the great pleasure of working with Milagros on numerous youth development projects over the last three years. I will never forget the project that got the ball rolling.

I met Milagros when I began my independent work as a motivational speaker and presented an idea to create a space for high school girls, to promote self-awareness and sisterhood.

This project not only needed resources but also community hands and like a true hero Milagros stepped in and up by not only contributing well needed resources but also volunteering as a speaker.

Her belief in me and the work made a great impact on the young ladies, and myself.

Milagros shared her story in a way that helped us to relate and understand that as women, we are stronger together!

I will never forget the lessons I learned at that event, but most importantly I will never forget the feeling of hope and passion that she helps to ignite in me!

Sincerely,

Emmanuella Perez-Cassius

COO, Lady Leaders LLC

Experience

I believe that...

I experienced pain

to understand suffering.

I experienced loneliness

to understand that we all need someone.

I experienced judgment

to learn that we all deserve a chance.

I experienced silence

to learn that healing comes with speaking.

I experienced hate

to learn about forgiveness.

I experienced God’s love

to be able to give compassion.

I experienced God

to learn to walk in His image.

Introduction

M uted Cage is an invitation, a window into the psyche of many victims of abuse. It is also about my relationship with God, about hope, forgiveness, joy, love, about my awareness and the changes I chose to realize in my life.

Muted Cage is about a chance for rebirth.

This collection of words is a real account of my life, told as straightforward as can be. It exposes the truth concerning the years of abuse I experienced, and the level of suffering endured at the hands of people responsible for my well-being.

The Muted Cage is an attempt to help people understand some of the ramifications of abuse. I could say that, for me, the level of self-loathing was indescribable, the guilt incomparable, the loneliness and devastation immeasurable and the pain incomprehensible.

At times it felt like madness and torment owned me. I wanted to deny my reality and often built illusions of a wonderful life at home.

No matter what type of abuse a person has endured or how long it lasted, the trauma of abuse digs very deep roots that, at one stage of life or another, manifests itself.

Although every act of abuse has its similarities, no one’s experience is the same and no one’s suffering mirrors another. The experience of everyone is unique, based on the level of maturity, the level of understanding, the perception of everyone, and their resiliency.

The coping mechanisms for those experiencing a world of hurt that they do not know how to handle or even express is different for each one. There are many factors that may help interpret how a person deals with the trauma they have suffered. Mainly, you need to have lived it to begin to understand why so many victims of abuse commit suicide or why many have chosen to live a life of destruction that could be misjudged by people who do not know what is driving the behavior.

Some of us become over-achievers, driven by the obsessive thirst and hunger to prove and show that we are not damaged, that we are not broken, and we are not a victim.

Always being chased by the feeling of not enough – It is never good enough, high enough, better enough… never … ENOUGH!

I went through many stages and every stage brought challenges. Every time I attempted to rise, I would fall deeper into an abyss that, although dark, painful, tormenting, and evil, paradoxically offered me comfort, familiarity and love. The abyss held my identity and position.

I know my story may surprise you and even cause you to judge me, but I give you permission to do so because way too many times I judged myself for feeling that way. Still, I will not deny you my truth. Regardless of how you see or judge me at the end of this offering, you will know me, and your life will never be the same.

I and only I know what it took for me to get to the place I am today. It is not a place of perfection but a place of unlimited possibilities and constant improvement. I yielded to my Source and He saved me. I was lost within myself.

I could not understand my identity, but one day my eyes were opened, and I found Me.

My life is not mine. My life belongs to God and to the world because I thoroughly understand that I am here to serve. Even long after I have transcended this realm, my words and work will continue to touch and transform the lives of those who cry out for healing.

Through this journey, you will partake of the intensity of the things I lived. You will also learn about the self-loathing behavior that constantly led me to seek destruction and the severe depression that imprisoned me in a cage with invisible bars and yet stronger than the walls of Alcatraz.

Muted Cage is about You winning!

No One…

No one sees how much it really hurts

Even after they have seen the scar.

No one hears the realness of your tears

No matter how loud you cry.

No one smells the strong scents of fear

That sometimes drives your life.

No one pushes to touch the hidden, secret places

That could lead them to your heart.

No one desires to taste the bitterness

That is left after one has been defiled.

No one really knows how lonely it is inside.

Only God who never leaves your side.

Unfolded Wings

I walked alone, carrying a burden

That almost drowned my very existence.

I laughed a lot, making everyone think

That all was well, and my smile was the evidence.

To the public eye, I was in control.

I had all the answers. To them, I had it made.

Meanwhile, the truth was that I was trapped,

Hiding in an empty, dark, and very cold room.

No one could see the real me.

No one could truly understand.

One day, God touched me and I realized

That I wasn’t in the dark.

I just needed to open my eyes.

Then and only then I saw

That I was not embracing myself;

I was hugging my Great and Almighty God.

I walked out of that room,

I opened my heart to the cry of my Lord,

Who called out for truth.

I opened and exposed all of myself,

The real me, and healing began.

My wings started unfolding

And now, I fly free.

Physical Abuse leaves emotional scars.

Physical Abuse

What’s wrong with my mom?

I experienced the evil within my mom firsthand. It was madness. Its name was Rage and he was her captor. It embodied and possessed her until she was lost within its grip. Like a puppet, she answered without restraint to its vice; being controlled until it owned her mind.

Every time Rage showed up, I cowered and trembled. Its strength produced my own captor, Fear, but unlike Rage who seemed to come and go, Fear nested itself deep within my core and made it a throne.

Still, I pretended my life was perfect. If you don’t have the perfect life, make it up. As of late, I have come to hear such as a New Age concept but even the Bible speaks that we are to call those things as though they already were. I guess that was my motto even when I had no notion of the New Age mindset or the Bible.

I spoke highly of my mom and everything I said was the truth; I just never spoke to people about her dark side.

As it was told to me by people who knew her, my mom lived a tragic childhood, filled with neglect, abandonment and at times truly little love. Her mother took her to places where they had to walk long distances and without shame would ask anyone along the way if she could leave her and pick her up on her way back. Sometimes it would be weeks before she came back to get her. This was a habit of her mother’s and sometimes the people she was left with took advantage of her; she was only a little girl.

Several times she was left with an aunt who seemed to hate her. She inflicted all kinds of punishments and beatings like the ones my mom inflicted on us. She accepted the abuse in her life as a normal thing. It was a learned behavior. She believed that severe beatings were the only way to enforce correction.

I must say, though, even though she didn’t experience having a loving and caring relationship with her mother, she did have a few people who showed her love; it was evident to us in the way she loved us and expressed it often.

Believe me, she really loved us. Rage was simply an interruption that came in like a tornado, causing all kinds of chaos and leaving just as quickly. Still, we cannot deny her love and affection for us.

At times she babied and cared for us like her precious little treasures. My mom was a very loving and compassionate woman but at the same time overly complex. There came a time when there seemed to be no difference between her love for us and the anger she unleashed on us. It was all love to her and maybe to us.

I do not, in any way shape or form, condone or justify my mom’s abusive behavior, but I must speak the truth as I know it. She was very depressed, she was bi-polar, manic-depressive and who knows what else was wrong with her. What I do know is that her doctors gave her plenty of medications for depression such as Valium, Xanax, Ativan, and others, and all at the same time.

Now that I have learned more about the symptoms of bi-polar disorder, depression and the medications prescribed to her, I can understand why my mom seemed so nice and loving at times and, at other times, behaved like we were the enemy and she was a vicious or wild animal fighting for her life.

I strongly believe that we can only offer to others that which we have been given and taught. Therefore, my mom loved us the best way she knew how, and I have chosen to give the best of what she gave me. I do have my moments when I can recognize her darkness deep within me, but I choose to offset it with positivism because it offered me nothing good when she allowed it to be unleashed.

Although my mom was my best friend, I must admit that the second strongest feeling I felt for her was FEAR. As a child, I was a nervous wreck. I used to bite my fingernails until they bled. Many nights, I cried myself to sleep. You see, she loved us all very much but when it came to punishments and corrective methods, my mom must have learned from people in charge of torturing techniques.

One of the least severe