Confessions of a Renegade Catholic in America

By James Hold

These essays date from 1997 to 1999. At the time I was interested in Christian education. My efforts fizzled when a dispute arose as to the direction the church was going. Still I felt it worth posting if for no other reason than a historical curiosity. The opinions expressed are chiefly my own and you can take them or leave them as you wish.

• Language: English
• Publisher: James Hold
• Release date: Dec 12, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005181536

James Hold

"First you're an unknown, then you write one book and you move up to obscurity." — Martin MeyersI published my first book in 2004. It became an immediate collector's item. I have several hundred copies collecting dust in my attic. Critics everywhere said it belonged between Ernest Hemingway and Robert E Howard—on an alphabetical bookshelf.My influences include Rocky & Bullwinkle, 1950s sci-fi movies, and silver-age comics.I live in Texas with my wife and four cats. You can contact me at [e-mail].

Book preview

Confessions of a Renegade Catholic in America

James Hold

Copyright 2020 James Roy Hold

All rights reserved.

This book is meant for entertainment purposes only. Opinions expressed represent those of the author and should not be taken as representative of any Christian sect.

CONFESSIONS OF A RENEGADE CATHOLIC IN AMERICA

Preach always. When necessary, use words — St Francis

Introduction to the 2020 Edition

The essays here date from 1997 to 1999. I tell you so you don't blow a gasket over dated references, such as Y2K or Columbine. They were meant to be delivered as lectures, so excuse the occasional choppy sentence.

At the time I wrote them I was interested in Christian education. I felt a calling to help others turn, not so much to Catholicism, but to Christianity, and not so much to Christianity but to understand God as our Heavenly Father.

Unfortunately my efforts fizzled when a dispute arose as to the direction the church was going. Still I felt it worth posting after all this time if for no other reason than a historical curiosity.

The opinions expressed are chiefly my own and you can take them or leave them, all the while keeping in mind this is an unfinished work. I never got to the really juicy parts before the rug was yanked out from under me.

Recruiting Catholics into Action

I always wanted to be a good Christian. Then I discovered it's a lot easier to be Catholic. I mean I used to watch the religion channel and it was like some of those preachers want to exclude about 98% of the population to the point where you'd get the impression that when that guy gets to Heaven he's going to be the only one there. Then one day I heard a priest talk about how all God really asks of you is that you just try, and as long as you do that, then God will understand and He'll make up the difference. Now while we all know there's a little more to it than that, it does pretty much sum up the basic idea of what it's all about. And I thought to myself that sounds a lot better deal than what the other guys are offering. It beats feeling worthless and it's better than going around condemning everybody. And it doesn't involve drinking poison, going up in flames, or castrating yourself while waiting for UFOs. So I took him up on it and, needless to say, I'm glad I did.

Now I'm not here to pass myself off as some expert or anything. I'm just a fat bald old man who reads the Bible now and then. So I won't be laying anything profoundly heavy or deep on you. Heck, the only thing heavy about me is when I step on the bathroom scale. It's like Bertrand Russell once said, The first sign of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. But then he was an atheist so what did he know? Nor am I going to relate some hard luck tale of woe. Even though I have been shafted so many times I could rent myself out as elevator space. And I'm the only guy I know who ever got a kidney transplant from a bed wetter. And this isn't going to be about my checkered past. Because it's not important. Right? Oh all right then, I'll confess I used to wear a plaid coat while playing chess. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not trying to sell anybody on the idea of Catholicism.

Besides, I'm not terribly convincing anyway. I mean, some guys could sell Dracula a sun roof; heck I even bought one for my refrigerator — me, I couldn't sell Joan of Arc a fire extinguisher. And my point in doing this is not to tell you what it's like to be Catholic. You know, stuff like If you have 12 children and not one of them is a teenager you just might be a Catholic, or If your house has more statues of saints than pictures of relatives you just might be a Catholic, or better yet, If the only reason you attend weddings is so you can do the chicken dance you definitely are a Catholic. I'm just here to tell you about my own personal experience with Catholicism and what it's done for me.

Probably the first thing you're wondering is why I want to do this. Well it's like this. My daughter is in the Navy, and if I may say so she's the cutest sailor since Mitzi Gaynor in South Pacific. Now she was reluctant to go in at first but her Navy recruiter did a good job of convincing her that this was a great opportunity.

So there's an analogy here. You've heard the song Onward Christian Soldiers right? Well the Christian Army doesn't have a draft. It's an all-volunteer service. There's no poster of the pope or any other leader pointing and saying, I want you. The Church is just like the armed forces in that it relies on recruiters to build its ranks. So I'm just a recruiter for the Catholic branch of the Christian Army. And I'm not saying this particular branch is better than any other; I mean, it meets my needs so for me it is, but that doesn't mean other branches don't have something equally good to offer. (And boy, don't I know several TV preachers who'll hit the roof at that comment.) Because the important thing to remember about serving is that it doesn't matter which branch you're in as long as we have the same Commander-in-Chief. So while my specific aim is recruiting Catholics into action, it's important to remember that in the long run I'm recruiting Christians into action.

And why? Well, I guess it's because life is a learning experience. And, kind of like the ejector seat on a helicopter, you only get to try it once.

Faith

The apostles said to the Lord, ‘Increase our faith,’ and he answered: ‘If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this sycamore, Be uprooted and transplanted into the sea, and it would obey you.’ Luke 17:5-6

He went on to say: ‘What comparison shall we use for the reign of God? What image will help to present it? It is like a mustard seed which, when planted in the soil, is the smallest of all the earth’s seeds, yet once it is sown, springs up to become the largest of shrubs, with branches big enough for the birds of the sky to build nests in its shade.’ Mark 4:30-32

(This essay calls for reader participation. Scrounge around for an acorn to hold in your hand while reading. It’s about faith, so trust me.)

Today we’re going to talk about that mustard seed of faith. Now I realize these aren’t mustard seeds you’re holding but it’ll have to do. Trust me, I went through about twenty jars of mustard and I couldn’t find a seed in any of them. Anyway, we used to have this joke back when I was a kid; it was a really terrible joke but we didn’t know any better. It went:

Didja hear there isn’t gonna be any Easter this year?

No, what happened?

They found th’ body.

It’s a wonder we weren’t struck by lightning, but I guess God makes allowances for stupidity. But it does make you wonder: what would happen if they did?

How would it affect you?

Back when I was a kid, my hero was the Lone Ranger. That was in the days when Saturday morning TV had something to offer. I watched him all the time and from him I learned about honesty, decency, and doing the right thing; being as good as your word and helping others. Now the Lone Ranger was a fictional character, but he taught me a lot of good stuff; so just because the character himself wasn’t true doesn’t mean what he taught wasn’t true.

In other words, it was the message, not the messenger that was important.

Now as we go further into this you’re going to be exposed different viewpoints which may challenge some of your beliefs about the Bible. I’m not going to go into a discussion now about inerrancy and all that stuff — that’s not the focus of this — I just want you to keep in mind that there is a thing called truth out there, and that truth exists regardless of the medium through which it’s presented.

Wow: that was heavy, wasn’t it?

But let’s get back to the original question about how it would affect you if they did discover