The Warrior, the Witch and the Wedding: The Drunken Dragon's Tavern, #3

By Len Streeper

Love is in the air and Lilly the Virgin is holding her breath. The wedding of the century is only a week away. Except it's Angelet and Derek's wedding and they're just a couple of peasants—how in the world did a peasant wedding turn into a state affair? Rich merchants and the nobility of the realm have invaded Dragon's Landing—for a peasant wedding! What was up with that? And as usual, when the pressure is on, things get weird at the Drunken Dragon's Tavern. Well, weirder.

 

Wedding guests aren't the only ones showing up. Among the newcomers are a Witch, a gender-swapping Wizardess, a menagerie of unwanted men, and a violence-starved Adventure Party led by the biggest, most handsome, and stupid man Lilly has ever met. The Adventure Party wants to hunt monsters—all of Lilly's best friends. The Wizardess wants a cure to her magical gender change. The men? As far as Lilly can tell, they want to get in her way. At least the Witch is proving useful as a cook.

 

As if all that isn't enough, bandits, the village elders, and secret cabals are sticking their noses into Lilly's business. Lilly shudders to think what the secret cabals are up to. The village elders want her to "secure her legacy for the sake of the village," whatever that means. But the bandits are the worst of all. They stole all the wedding supplies and with the fate of the wedding hanging in the balance, it's up to Lilly to get them back.

 

If the wedding happens without a hitch, the reputation of Lilly's tavern and Dragon's Landing will spread across the realm as the place to be. That reputation will lead to wealth which will lead to security for Lilly's monster friends. If she fails, her monster friends will be hunted down for parts to sell to wizards and the village will sink into the worst poverty it's ever known. The stakes are high, but this time it isn't only Lilly's tavern at risk, it's the whole village!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Len Streeper
• Release date: Jul 28, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393253068

Book preview

Other Works by Len Streeper

The Drunken Dragon's Tavern Series

The Virgin, the Dragon and the Tavern (Book One)

The Wizard, The Assassin and the Preacher (Book Two)

The Warrior, the Witch and the Wedding (Book Three)

The Drunken Dragon's Tavern Patron Stories

Leland the Dragon Slayer

Thieves of the Drunken Dragon's Tavern

The Alien Gun Series

The Soldier and the Slave (Book One)

The Knowledge Bank (Book Two)

Other Works

Beta Reader Blues - A beginners Guide to Beta Reading for New Writers

Map to Desire - an Anthology

WANT TO CONTACT ME directly? If you have questions, comments, or want to keep up with my next release, you can find me at Len Streeper  on Facebook

The Warrior, the Witch and the Wedding © 2019 by Len Streeper

All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and/or retrieval system, or dissemination of any electronic version, without the prior written consent of the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review, and except where permitted by law.

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, organizations, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Published by Len Streeper

Cover design © 2019 by Matt Leong

of Mattleong13 Productions https://www.deviantart.com/mattleong13

WARNING: THE UNAUTHORIZED reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $250,000.

Dedication

To Chrissy

Acknowledgements

THE PERSON I HAVE MOST to thank for making this book a reality is Kay Oliver. Thank you for all your help, support and especially enthusiasm for this book. You kept my spirits up and never let me get lazy.

I also want to thank Black Quill Editing for the fantastic job they did on making my ungrammered manuscript readable. Any bad writing is my fault for not following their exquisite advice.

I also owe my friend Doug a small debt of gratitude for a line that’s stuck with me for most of my life. Their swords are sharp so we don’t have to be, is his creation and it fit into this book so well I had to use it. Dude, please tell me you didn’t take it from someone else!

Last but not least I want to thank all my readers for their help in the naming of my characters. Here is a list of people and the characters they named. Thank you all for your help.

Valonda, by Laura ArizonaTaylor

Merwin, by Katherine

Tarron, by Doug

Tero, by Stephanie

Deelia, by Doug

IF YOU WANT TO HELP name a character, find me at Len Streeper on Facebook.

Table of Contents

­­Other_Works

Copyright

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Table_of_Contents

Chapter_One

Chapter_Two

Chapter_Three

Chapter_Four

Chapter_Five

Chapter_Six

Chapter_Seven

Chapter_Eight

Chapter_Nine

Chapter_Ten

Chapter_Eleven

Chapter_Twelve

Chapter_Thirteen

Chapter_Fourteen

Chapter_Fifteen

Chapter_Sixteen

Chapter_Seventeen

Chapter_Eighteen

Chapter_Nineteen

Chapter_Twenty

Chapter_Twenty_One

Chapter_Twenty_Two

The_Pixy_Accords

About_this_Book

About_Len_Streeper

If_You_Enjoyed_This_Book

Chapter One

EARLY THIS MORNING several witnesses saw a white-haired mad woman making her way toward the Drunken Dragon’s Tavern. I’ve been told her ill-fitting clothing revealed a most unusual attribute. I refuse to describe this anomaly out of deference to my more tasteful patrons.

Lilly made her decision. Well, Lord Cynric made it for her, but it amounted to the same difference. She owed it to the village to preserve her legacy, or so he insisted. With Leland out of her future, she only had one way to preserve her legacy and that required the Wizard’s Potion of Immortality.

Picking up the small vial, Lilly broke the seal and studied the clear liquid. If she drank this, she would never have children but she’d live forever. Ironically bringing all the monsters here made it possible for her to become one herself. Bottom’s up!

The door to her apartment flew open with a bang. The sound startled Lilly so bad she almost dropped the potion. What the—

Don’t drink that potion! a wild-eyed woman about Lilly’s age stormed into Lilly’s front room. She had the most beautiful face Lilly had ever seen. Her skin was as flawless as a newborn’s and her long, white hair—despite being wind tangled—cascaded down past her shoulders in glorious waves. She wore a fine, over-sized, familiar looking robe.

What caught Lilly’s attention was the stranger’s breasts. They were huge, far larger than Lilly’s own ample endowments. The ill-fitting robe did little to cover them. Lilly felt a stab of pity. Men rarely bothered to look at her face, focusing instead on her ample cleavage. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like for this poor woman, especially dressed the way she was.

Stop staring at my chest, you daft floozy! I said, don’t drink that potion. The stranger stalked across the room toward Lilly.

Lilly tried not to stare. Yet this woman’s boobs were so big, almost ridiculously so and the way they moved as she stomped across the room . . . It took a full second for Lilly to realize what the white-haired woman intended. It was a second too long.

The strange woman snatched the potion out of Lilly’s hand and flung it into the fireplace. A fireball worthy of Cyrano shot up the chimney.

What have you done? Lilly took a futile step toward the fireplace. Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Turning back to the woman, Lilly balled her hands into fists. Her body filled with tension and punching that pert, perfect little nose to a pulp would be the perfect release.

Of course I know what I’ve done! The strange woman drew herself into a posture Lilly could only describe as . . . masculine? I’ve saved you from becoming this, you glorified wench. She gestured down to her body. Or worse.

Lilly noticed her breast had fallen out of her robe when she hurled the potion. It was even more impressive uncovered. Still, it was just a boob and Lilly refused to be sidetracked again, not after the last distraction cost her so much.

I’ll show you worse, snarled Lilly.

Typical peasant behavior. You get belligerent when gratitude is appropriate.

"Gratitude?" Lilly barked before being  interrupted by thumping on the stairs followed by Leland bursting into the room, sword drawn.

Lilly, are you all right? Leland the Dragon slayer took one look at Lilly’s expression and his face hardened. The pixies said a mad woman broke into your rooms.

I’m not mad, said the woman, as she turned to face Leland. However, I am getting angry. She snapped her fingers and Leland’s sword vanished from his hand and reappeared in its scabbard.

That trick gave Lilly pause.

Leland stopped dead in his tracks but didn’t seem to notice his missing sword. Well, not missing exactly, more like displaced. Still, you’d think a man might notice when his sword vanished from his hand. Leland moved into one of his customary, slightly feminine stances and brought his fingers to his lips. Oh, my. Withmaere, what the hell happened to you?

"Happened to her? That name sounded familiar, but Lilly couldn’t place it. She was too angry to try. She destroyed my potion! I’ll tell you what should happen to her."

Lilly watched as Leland noticed the bare bosom of the white-haired woman. His eyes went wide and he leaned forward ever so slightly, bringing a finger to his lips. Goodness, he mumbled, raising both brows. Lilly remembered the time she tried, rather clumsily, to seduce him by displaying her own cleavage. It was all she could think of to save Cyrano the Dragon from being slain by a professional dragon slayer. She knew so little about dragons at the time. This foppish man valiantly resisted the view of Lilly’s charms that every other village man seemed to take as his birthright. He looked Lilly straight in the eye, never letting his gaze fall below her nose no matter how far down she tugged her blouse. Leland was always a gentleman with all the women of the village so Lilly didn’t blame him for staring this time, the view mesmerized her as well.

When Leland realized what he was doing, Lilly could have predicted his response. His face went crimson and he jerked his head back until he stared at the ceiling. Taking his hand away from his lips, he made a limp-wristed, finger wave in the general direction of the white-haired woman’s chest. You, um, seem to have fallen out of your clothes.

The woman glared down at her breast like it was an invading enemy and yanked the material back into place.

You can quit counting the rafters, said Lilly. She’s decent.

Yes, well. Leland shifted into his inquisitive stance. He put his feet shoulder-width apart and his wrists on his hips allowing his fingers to wiggle in response to his thoughts and words. He looked almost like a child’s parody of a chicken. What is all the commotion about?

She destroyed my potion!

Leland’s face became unutterably sad. Oh, Lilly. Don’t give up on love. Just because I’m not your soul mate doesn’t mean he isn’t out there.

It’s not like I wouldn’t have found him. In fact, that potion provided me all the time in the world to find him.

But at what cost, immortality? You’d never have children of your own.

Yeah, well, motherhood isn’t everything.

For some, it is. I hate to see you robbed of finding out.

Oh, Puh—lease! I’m practically the mother to that alcoholic dragon downstairs.

It’s not the same, Lilly.

How do you know? Do you have children?

Well, no, I don’t. But everyone says so.

Sure, because they have to. Otherwise, people would call them bad parents.

Perhaps, said Leland, dubiously. It’s obvious people like being parents. Why else do they have so many kids?

Do you know where babies come from? It’s not like women have much say in the matter. Movement caught Lilly’s eye providing a very welcome distraction to an old and unpleasant argument.

The stranger lifted her breast with one hand and, scowling at it, wiped beneath it with the front of her robe.

What are you doing? Lilly turned away from the dragon slayer and focused her ire where it belonged.

It gets sweaty under there. Feels gross.

Well, don't do it again. At least not in public.

The stranger sneered and rolled her eyes then repeated the process with the other breast.

What did I just say?

You said don’t do it in public. I’m not in public, I’m with you. Her tone and attitude implied Lilly was an idiot.

Oh, for the love of . . . don’t do it unless you’re alone.

Fine by me. The white-haired woman made to leave. I did what I came here to do. You’d think a woman smart enough to run a tavern would be smart enough to appreciate my efforts. Next time I’ll let you deal with the consequences. Who knows, it might have turned you into a man, then you might be smart enough to say thank you.

Hold it right there. Who was this woman and how did she know so much about the potion? It was the best-kept secret in the world. If people knew the Wizard invented a potion of immortality, wars would be waged. Then another detail wiggled through Lilly’s anger. Wait. Leland, you recognized her? You know who she is?

Of course I know him—her. He sighed and cocked a hip. Whatever. You know her too.

I’m pretty confident I’d remember her. Lilly’s eyes fell to the woman's bosom. God, she had to stop doing that!

Well, she was a he and looked a lot different. Mostly, I recognized the Wizard’s robe. And the foul mouth. Lilly, this it Withmaere, but you always called him ‘the Wizard.’

No way! Lilly felt her mouth fall open and her eyes traveled up and down the woman’s body. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew she should stop. She hated it when men did that to her, but she couldn’t help it. No way, she muttered again, not conscious of her own words. It’s impossible. Something in the set of the stranger’s eyebrows, the annoyed curl of her lip, the way she stood, it all looked familiar. The clothes did belong to the Wizard now that Leland pointed it out.

Stop staring at my chest, you inbred peasant. It’s annoying. She scowled down at her breasts again and this time she shoved the fabric of her robes under them. She looked like a parody of a man pretending to be a woman by stuffing a pillow under his shirt—a big pillow. Is it normal to sweat so much under these things?

Yes. And with all that weight up front, you can expect back aches as well.

Swell. One more inconvenience.

Oh, I get it, the jokes on me. Lilly started to smile at the intricate jest being played on her. You’re a relative, that’s what’s going on. Then she remembered the woman destroyed Lilly’s potion and her smile vanished. Well, it’s not funny. You better have a replacement potion.

Let me make this simple enough even your primitive mind can grasp the concept. The potion. Did not. Work. Get it?

This isn’t a joke? You really are the Wizard? Lilly still had a niggling doubt this was all an elaborate hoax, but something in the woman lent her credibility.

Eureka. She figured it out.

What the hell happened? asked Lilly, repeating Leland’s question. She fought the urge to poke the woman to make sure she was real.

And she lost it. The potion was supposed to make me immortal. Instead, it made these. She made a disgusted gesture toward her boobs.

Just those? Lilly’s eyes fell to the woman's crotch. She couldn’t help it though she knew it was rude. Do you still have a—

No, I’m all woman, I no longer have a penis. I’m a little sensitive about it so stop staring at where it used to be!

I’m sorry, said Lilly, feeling her cheeks heat. She brought her eyes back up to the woman's face and resolved to be more courteous. Thank you. Now that I understand, I do appreciate you saving me. Heaven knew her breasts were big enough already.

Good. Now that you've come to your senses, I need my room back. I’m going to stay here and figure out what went wrong and change myself back.

No problem. Although new faces showed up every day, no one wanted to stay here. All of her rooms were empty. Except Leland’s, of course. I still want that potion, but I do not want even larger breasts. It’s hard enough getting people to respect me now.

You should be so lucky! The very best case would have enlarged your boobs. It was the Wizard’s—Wizardess’—turn to look at Lilly’s crotch. More likely you’d have turned into a man with a pecker the size of—

I get the picture. Lilly held up a hand before she put that particular image in her mind. Although, becoming a man would make so many other parts of her life easier. Her gaze wandered back to the fireplace.

Don’t even think about it, said the Wizardess. Who knows what else could go wrong. I have no idea what other side effects will show up. That damn potion made me sixty years younger. What if it made you a baby? You think you have it hard now; imagine how much less respect you’d get as a child.

Lilly, you can not even entertain the thought of depriving the world of your tender beauty.

Shut up, Leland. You’re not my . . . whatever anymore. Save your flattery for a woman it will work on.

Really, Lilly, there’s no reason to be angry with me. I’ve never treated you with anything but the deepest respect. He crossed the room and knelt on one knee in front of Lilly. Taking a deep breath, he looked up at her with wide, honest eyes. Even though I no longer pursue you to be my wife, my feelings didn’t simply vanish. I still possess a very deep and pure affection for you. Our lives and our callings pushed us apart, not a fading of my love and devotion. Tell me you feel the same, that your affection for me hasn’t diminished with a decision we reached for our mutual futures. Whether our futures are entwined or not, you are still a magnificent example of what all womanhood should aspire to be. Kind, generous, intelligent and capable. Don’t for one moment consider robbing the world of the beautiful example you are.

"Great balls of fire. Do you talk dragons to death?" asked the Wizardess.

No. Lilly turned away from the kneeling man with a bit of relief. His earnestness and intensity made her uncomfortable. When it comes to battling dragons, Leland is a true master.

You were right about the backaches. The Wizardess arched her back opening the front of her robe. Her breasts popped into full view. She noticed her exposed state and swore as she covered herself. The sooner I get this fixed, the better.

The accidental view of the Wizardess’ curves made Lilly realize something. On your feet, Leland, we have work to do.

And what quest would you bestow upon me, fair maiden? Leland stood up then brushed at his knee. Lilly tried not to be insulted, her floor was clean. Any dust on his pants was purely imaginary.

We have to hide her. Can you imagine what Cyrano will do if he gets a peek at those?

Chapter Two

I CAN PERSONALLY ATTEST to the unmentionable attributes the white-haired woman puts on display. In fairness, it does seem to be accidental. Our illustrative dragon found himself compelled by the stranger’s display, however, she quite effectively stopped Cyrano’s interest.

I doubt the denizens of a hundred bordellos could distract Cyrano. Leland shuddered. I’ll take her to my room until you’ve prepared her room.

I bet you will. Even though their strange relationship ended amicably, Lilly felt a pang of jealousy at the thought of Leland moving on so fast. What was it with men and big boobs, anyway? Was there some kind of bet? A woman is so much more than her breasts and yet men went gaga over them. I think not. And what happened to all the respect and protecting a girl’s reputation you spouted when we first met? You refused to take a simple walk with me, and now you want to take her to your room? What about protecting her reputation?

Lilly, this is different.

Why, because she has bigger boobs? I thought better of you, Leland. Maybe that is what made him so attractive. His dignity and respect for Lilly contrasted with everyone else in the village. He was new and interesting and Lilly was unattainable; they were doomed from the start. Their impressions of each other were inaccurate at best. Thank heavens they came to their senses. Still, not five minutes ago, Leland knelt and showered her with pretty words.

No, Lilly. Leland had the nerve to look offended—where did he get off? Withmaere isn’t a real woman.

Lilly’s eyes went to the Wizardess’ chest yet again. You could have fooled me. She really needed to quit doing that. If she kept staring how could she be offended when men stared at her? It will fool everyone out there, too. You’re right, we need to get her across the tavern before it gets crowded. At least you didn’t say she doesn’t have a reputation to protect.

I doubt she does, the Wizard has lived a long time, I’m sure he’s done stuff we can’t even imagine.

Good save, Leland. She half expected him to say a woman with her body must be experienced. It’s what all the villagers thought about Lilly. She smiled, the Unicorn put an end to that! Let's go, we need to keep her safe.

I’m right here and I can take care of myself, you bandy-legged wench. said the Wizardess.

I’m sure you can. Lilly wasn't convinced, though. Any woman knew it was much harder being a woman than a man. With her body and dressed the way she was, she was going to catch grief. The Wizardess might know how to handle herself in a fight or magic duel or something. Lilly doubted he had a clue how to deal with the crap women in this village got.

Being a powerful wizard is different from being a Wizardess, chimed in Leland.

Lilly recalled some of the spells he cast. She cast. This promised to get confusing. She wanted to tell the Wizardess to pick a gender and stick with it, but she suspected it would backfire. The Wizardess would pick male, but with her bosom arriving five minutes before she did, it wouldn’t stick.

I’m not worried about you, said Lilly. It’s the stupid villagers downstairs I’m worried about. They won’t have a clue who you are and let's face it, they aren’t the best-behaved bunch at the best of times. Don’t forget, these are people who tried to sacrifice me to a dragon.

We’ll tell them who I am and what I’ll do to them if they don’t treat me with the respect I deserve.

Like they would even hear a word out of her mouth. Lilly wanted to get that through his—her head. With Lilly being a woman and the Wizardess still thinking like a man, he—she—dammit! Might need to hear it from another man to believe it. Leland, please explain it to her.

The Dragon Slayer shrugged. It doesn’t matter what you say, they won’t be able to hear you over your bosom.

My bosom doesn’t speak, my mouth does.

Leland. Lilly gestured for him to explain how wrong that statement was while she peeked out the door. Good, no sign of Cyrano. Still, she knew how things worked around here and signaled a pixy.

Your bosom speaks quite loud in fact. Leland shrugged and sighed. Unfortunately, it speaks in a language they can’t understand and so they make up the meanings.

I can make the inbred louts listen. A thread of violence lurked in her words and Lilly knew she could, he could, dammit! Enough. Lilly needed to pick a gender and stick with it. If the Wizardess didn’t like it, too bad. Lilly had no doubt she could back up that threat.

Which is exactly what we are trying to avoid. I have no doubt you can make them do whatever you want them to, but it will make unnecessary enemies and besides, it’s bad for business. Lilly whispered instructions to the pixy then closed the door.

Bad for business? Did you really just say that? Leland looked shocked that Lilly brought business into a situation fraught with emotional pitfalls. Did he meet her?

Yes, not all of us can slay dragons or make gold appear with the snap of their fingers. I have to live in this community and if the Wizardess starts stopping problems, I’ll get blamed.

I hardly think you’ll be blamed for the actions of the Wizardess.

"Have you met these people? They blame me for everything. Lilly frowned in concentration. Maybe sneaking to Leland’s room was a bad idea. Maybe you should stay here until I close the tavern."

I need to find out why my potion failed.

You can do that here as well as your own room.

No, I can’t. I’ll need to draw diagrams, write, study and think. I can’t do any of that with you around.

I won’t be around all that much.

If I’m distracted at the wrong moment, the result might be catastrophic. People might get hurt, or, worse, I might have to start over. No, take me to my room and if Leland will be so kind as to fetch my satchel, I’ll start working immediately.

Fine. At least take my cloak. Those wizard robes aren’t designed for you.

The Wizardess cocked an eyebrow.

For how you are now. Lilly handed her cloak over. If you start popping out of your clothes, not even Rupert will be able to stop the riot.

Very well. The Wizardess pulled the cloak tight around her. The cloak managed to hide enough of her to escape much attention. Except . . .

Put the hood up, your white hair might draw attention. Lilly pulled the hood over the Wizardess’ head before she could protest. Perfect. Let’s go.

They made it down from Lilly’s rooms, past the kitchen bar and halfway to the other stairs. Naturally Cyrano, in human form, chose that exact moment to step through the door to his hoard. Lilly saw this coming and prepared for it, but it was still frustrating.

Ah, Lilly, just the person I wanted to see.

Not now, Cyrano, I have something to do, I’ll be back in a minute.

This won’t take long, I heard a rumor and—

Gotta go! But there’s a fresh beer on the bar waiting for you. Thank you pixy. Lilly tried to step past Cyrano. I’ll be back in a minute. Two tops.

Oh? Cyrano looked past Lilly to the bar where indeed a large tankard of beer sat. It looks so lonely, best I go keep it company.

You do that. Lilly sighed in relief, then grimaced as the