Hypothetically the Craziest Sh%t I've Ever Done!?!

By T.C. Blackwell

How many embarrassing stories are locked away in your memories?

 

Imagine if you compileded every story that made your friends say "No way" or "I'd have to see it to believe it."

 

This laugh out loud memoir is for everyone who wished life came with an instruction manual. (If you come across one, will you share it?)

 

These outrageous, unbelievable stories are too bizarre to be fiction.In addition to laughter, T.C. Blackwell offers some words of wisdom so you can learn how you might avoid similar, unfortunate life events.

 

Are you too self-conscious to share your past humiliations?Even...hypothetically?If so, this book is for you!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Black Gravity Press
• Release date: Dec 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393450993

Book preview

Precautionary Warning!

I am about to divulge some stories that we are going to keep between us. I’m not saying the tales on the following pages happened and I’m not saying they didn't. However…to keep the innocent safe, names, locations, events, and character descriptions have been altered to protect the blameless.

Are you ready for a whirlwind hypothetical journey?

Some of these stories will create a strong emotional response, while others will have you bellowing in laughter. And yet, some stories are truly foolish. I hold no judgement toward the person(s) who share in my undiagnosed delusional disorders.

I have to admit, being admitted into a psychiatric hospital scares the crap out of me! However, there have been those few individuals who managed to escape.

Pun intended.

Nevertheless, the trajectory of my life has somewhat altered my perception, and it’s a thin line between normal and, well… extraordinary.

I advise all readers to sit back and enjoy your coffee—gross—or an entire bottle of Riesling. 

Are you ready?

Let’s go!

CHAPTER 1

High Speed Chase

I am not a criminal! I screamed to the judge as he delivered my sentence.

Ma’am, if you make another outburst in my courtroom again, I will hold you in contempt.

I shut my mouth quickly and rolled my eyes. As much as I wanted to jump across the defendant’s table and strangle the life out of the judge, I was silent.

It was not my fault. I didn’t intentionally plan to run from the cops. I was a victim of extreme circumstances, which led to running red lights and speeding through school zones in my white SUV. Let me justify my actions as this story invokes uncomfortable emotions.

I have always dreaded Monday mornings. Waking up at the crack of dawn to drive my two-year-old to daycare was depressing. Every day, the twenty-minute ride toward Bright Light Daycare left me feeling as if I was being robbed. Seventy-five percent of my paycheck went toward the bill. I shook my head in disbelief as I remembered another payment would be due soon.

The all-day fee for a two-year-old was two hundred and fifty-five dollars a week. Absurd! It was a constant struggle to provide for my small family and pay daycare. In spite of my anger toward the daycare administrators, I traveled the twenty minutes through rush hour. Anthony Jr. held onto my leg as he cried. This kid seriously had abandonment issues. I hunkered down next to him, but his tight grip on my leg was relentless. The teachers rushed to him, and I snuck out the door. The loud screaming was disturbing as I attempted to ignore his small voice.

I glanced at the clock on the wall, meanwhile drawing stick figures on my legal pad during a routine morning office meeting. My stomach growled as I crossed and uncrossed my legs.

The receptionist, Elizabeth, burst into the conference room with a look of horror on her face. She scanned the room and when she found me sitting in the rear, she pointed and motioned me to follow her.

I felt fluttering in my stomach as my gaze darted around the marble table.

Yes, you, she said, mouthing the words.

I rushed out of the room and she handed me the receiver.

Hello? Is this the parent of Anthony Jr.?

Yes, who is calling? Instinctively, I froze, and my heart did a flutter. The voice on the other end sounded rushed and erratic.

Hello, I am calling you from Bright Light Day Care, and it seems we have a problem with Anthony Jr.

Problem? What sort of problem? I imagined Jr. crying while other kids napped. Maybe they couldn’t get him to simmer down.

We called the ambulance because he is not responding.

Wait, what? What do you mean? Nothing made any sense in that moment. Elizabeth stared at me with a blank look. I touched the base of my neck and shook my head. What are you talking about? I was confused and in total disbelief.

The ambulance is already on the way.

I dropped the phone, ran to my office, and grabbed my car keys. I pushed the elevator button. I waited for a mere three seconds, and when it didn’t show, I bolted toward the emergency exit and out through the basement corridor. I jumped the steps two at a time going down the stairwell and then ran the rest of the way to the truck.

I didn’t realize I was crying until I sped through the red light. In the distance, I heard cars honking and people yelling at me to get off the sidewalk.

My adrenaline soared as I thought about Jr. and the way I left him that very same morning. I made it to the daycare and jumped out of the car before it came to a complete stop. Where is he? I asked no one in particular.

Calm down. The paramedics are here, and your son is around the corner in the red room.

The red room was located in the small corner of the building where sleeping babies were kept while they napped. I took off down the hall and when I opened the door, Jr. was lying lifelessly on an orange mat.

Oh my goodness, my baby! I screamed and ran toward him.

Ma’am, wait, where are you going? a paramedic asked.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I laid next to my son. I was irrational as terror engulfed my entire body. I disregarded the shouts as I rushed Jr. toward the car and carefully put his frail body in the passenger seat.

I shook my head in denial, blaming his worsened condition on myself. What if I never left him that morning? He was wailing so loudly. This was all my fault. I sped down Elmerview Boulevard, rocketing through a school zone and running every light in my path.

I punched the wheel and screamed at the cars going the speed limit. In the state of Arizona, the ambulance drivers are instructed to transport the patient to the nearest hospital. The drive would take seven minutes from the daycare. I could not risk losing my son to a technicality. He was better off with me driving.

I was born and raised in Arizona. I knew every shortcut and every back alley in the entire state. I knew the roads in and out and knew how to cut