Guardian Of Divinity: First Year

By Miriam Ahm

Autobiography of Miriam Ahm.
"First Year" covers her experiences as a freshmen at university and also reflections on her childhood.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 29, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098350840

Book preview

Chapter 1 — Escape to University

From the time that I was born into this journey called Life, my childhood was a mesmerized nightmare, my high school experience was an enticing mirage and my university experience proved to be a continuous challenge, so that I was scared and mystified and eager!

In my first year of university living with five female dorm mates (roomies), I quickly became known throughout the girls’ dormitory building as the strangest one of us six freshmen. And there was no argument from me about that.

The first couple of days before classes started, Gerry, my birth parent, was getting me set up in my dorm room. She put me in the middle of the three bedrooms that housed two girls in each bedroom, because that’s where another girl was already there with her mother.

Short and cute, the girl was graced to have natural beauty with a perpetually pert smile on her face, complete with smiley eyes, naturally rosy cheeks, and a bounce to her walk that also bounced her long thick brown curly hair. She was appropriately nicknamed, Breezy.

The remaining four girls soon arrived with their mothers. When two of them realized that they were from the same state, they moved together into the back bedroom. That left the last two girls to move into the front bedroom. None of us knew each other.

During this period of arrivals and placements, Gerry turned on her public persona, that of planting a smile on her face, switching to a friendly tone of voice and showing a happy demeanor. She turned chatty with the moms and the other girls.

My role was to behave as she had trained me to act in public—I followed right behind her, as her shadow; I was quiet in every way. I kept my eyes on the back of her neck unless she directed me otherwise, so that I would not be a distraction from people’s attention to her every word. I was required to be silent because I was not worthy to be heard.

My roomies told me later that when they saw my behavior around Gerry, I seemed shy, soft spoken and robotic. They thought it odd that I always looked at her only, always shadowed her, and only talked when she gave me the eye signal for me to agree with her comments; and all the while, I looked like a scared rabbit.

My roomies were also puzzled at my appearance, because I looked and smelled like a child from the streets—no deodorant, plus I had hairy arm pits and legs, and no makeup. Plus, I was wearing shapeless and cheap offseason sales clothes with worn shoes. Worse, my teeth were dark yellow.

They also thought it was very odd that when Gerry would leave me at the end of the day, she would not hug me or touch me at all, nor call me a loving nickname, nor talk to me with any kindness or affection; she wouldn’t even smile at me when she’d say good bye.

After she’d close the door firmly, I would then walk straight to my dorm bed mattress with only my new sleeping bag spread on it for bedding, and I would sit down in silence. I would do nothing unless one of them walked into my bedroom and talked to me, or invited me to come and talk with them.

They noticed, too, that I always looked surprised that they would talk to me. And it was also evident that I was not used to conversing, because I spoke awkwardly and hesitantly, while looking at them cautiously. My strange behaviors perplexed them.

What shocked them the most, though, was how badly Gerry treated me overall. Her eyes were cold and squinted whenever she looked at me, with her face strained with animosity. Her voice was harsh when she spoke to me, but instantly softened, as did her eyes, face and stance, whenever she looked away from me to talk to them.

Also, she never touched me. In fact, if she came close to touching me while we were walking from room to room in our small crowded unit, she would flinch instinctively away, as if repulsed by me. The girls had never seen a mother act so hostile towards her own daughter! So, they assumed that I was adopted.

Getting back to that mystified and wondrous first day on campus:  After setting me up in my new bedroom, we left my roomies, and then Gerry drove me to a town mall. I sat in the rental car where I was trained to sit, in silence directly behind her driver’s seat, so that she could keep an eye on me using the car mirror. (I was never worthy enough to sit beside her, but my older brother Devin and my Dad could have that privilege.)

Upon arriving at the mall, Gerry allowed me to get out of the car and to shop with her for the first time in my life! I went into a stupor mode of mental dullness because she had never, ever let me come into any store with her before! She had always made me stay alone out in the car when she shopped for anything, no matter how hot or cold the weather. Meanwhile, my brother was allowed to go to a Boy Scout friend’s house, instead of having to stay in the car with me!

Gerry purchased new clothes and shoes for me which were actually my size—that was another big change! She normally bought my clothes only when the cruddy leftover dresses and shoes were on sale. She would not buy any clothes that would fit me—rather she would buy my clothes two sizes bigger, and my shoes one size bigger, claiming that because I would ‘grow into them’ over the course of the school year, she would save money by buying them too big.

However, I barely grew two dress sizes in a year because she deliberately starved me, again, to save precious money. So instead, I was used to looking ridiculous in baggy clothes for the whole school year—year after year—while being starved my whole childhood!

As any sane person knows, having to wear cheap baggy dresses with flopping cheap shoes while attending public schools dooms you to be with the untouchable kids at school.  But, I was set up to look so ridiculous that the untouchables all usually rejected me as well!

So, the number of school friends that I had throughout all of my years of public schooling was only a handful. Whereas my brother, Devin, was given clothes that fit him, that didn’t have to be on sale, and he was worthy of getting shoes that always fit him just fine, whenever he needed them:  But he didn’t have many more friends than I did because we both acted nerdy. And strange.

Back to my first shopping venture: For my university wardrobe, Gerry still would not allow me to choose my new clothes—nothing changed there! Still, I followed her around the stores, wide-eyed and speechless, but gleeful! So, t’is is wat my new lif’s gonna be lik’ bein’ a grown-up now! I’ll be able ta go shop in stores, I thought as I smiled with rare enthusiasm!

Then I noticed that children of all ages were in the stores too, with their mothers, talking. I puzzled to myself, Why ‘re these young kids ‘llowed in tha stores? ‘Nd their mothers let ‘um talk ta ‘em?

Gerry outfitted me to look like an airline stewardess, which was her idea of upper class clothing—that was Gerry’s attempt to be stylish. I was just grateful that my new wardrobe had four outfits of new dresses, one sweater, one winter coat, one pair of school shoes, one pair of dress shoes and two pairs of socks that actually all fit me for a change—that was progress! I’d figure out what pieces I was going to actually wear later on.

She also bought me my necessities—the usual thin cheap towels and bedding, which consisted of a new sleeping bag only. No pillow, linens, or bedcovering.

Nope! That normal stuff was not allowed for me.

I was thrilled to be given so many new things! They actually smelled good too!

During this amazing experience, Gerry reprimanded me frequently that it was her and my Dad’s hard-earned money paying for these new digs! And I should be grateful that she and Dad were paying for all this: For the first time, her reprimands didn’t sound harsh to me anymore because this new experience of shopping with her was a real step to freedom from her, finally!

When we got back to the dorm that first evening, she joined the other mothers and girls in the crowded kitchen to converse a little, but then was the first of them to leave, without offering me any supper with her, nor did she give me any money to buy any food. And I was trained to never ask for food nor drinks!

Instead, Gerry bid everyone else a friendly farewell, then turned to me and did her usual terse exit, not touching me at all while coldly saying, Goodbye, Miriam Ahm, as she briskly walked out of our dorm room door and closed it firmly behind her while I was faintly saying, Bye, Mom.

Silence suddenly filled the eat-in kitchen area. I felt the awkward stares of these nice people on my back.

I had worked carefully all day to act just the way Gerry wanted, doing nothing wrong! Now, after seeing this rejection of me by my own mother, would they reject me as well? I could feel hot tears rising up in me; I needed to go and hide until I could collect my wits about why this amazing day had suddenly ended so horrible, when Gerry turned back into her mean-mom mode again! She’s done this to me every time she sees me have a little happiness!

Embarrassed and humiliated, I bolted out of the kitchen and retreated to my nice new mattress bed to figure this out. I realized I was hungry for supper: She’s goin’ ta ‘ave supper ‘nd not even giv’ me any t’is time!? Oh, NO! Not here too! I thought.

I was startled out of my thoughts when Breezy’s mom suddenly came to me, sat close down beside me on my new bed, put her arm across my shoulders and drew me into a side hug, saying sweetly, Miriam Ahm, you are just an adorable girl! Would you mind joining Breezy and me for dinner this evening? I’d love us to get better acquainted, since you two are going to be roomies together!

I stared at her through my teary surprise, then looked for Breezy, who’d joined us in the room. She smiled and nodded agreement. Relieved, I looked back at her mom in puzzlement.

Sure, I mumbled, while thinking to myself, I’m adorable? Why’d she say t’at? But dinner, too? Yikes! Mom didn’t give me money fer supper! Wadda I say now?

As I started to panic at this new dilemma, Breezy’s mom quickly calmed me down by gushing, Wonderful! Now how about you call me Mina? It means ‘Love’ in German. Sort of like ‘Mom’. Please think of me as your other mom, she beamed.

O-kay, I responded timidly, smiling and swiping at my tears. Thank you, Mina. I was thrilled and grateful and mystified! We had just met, and she says she wants to be a mom to me? Wow! I’ll call her Mom-Mina.

Good! That’s settled then! Now, go wash your pretty face and dry those tears away ‘cuz we three gals are going to have some fun tonight! After all, you darlin’ girls are all grown up now to bein’ young ladies at university! That’s worth celebrating! So, go along to the bathroom to get ready now while we plan it!

Mom-Mina shooed me off and turned to Breezy, who’d been sitting on her mom’s other side. They moved over to sit on Breezy’s bed as I happily got up to automatically obey Mom-Mina’s orders.

Wash my face? Only my grannies ‘ad let me wash my face wid soap ‘nd warm wadder, I thought. Now, here I could let tha wadder run ‘til it got warm, so t’at washin’ wid warm wadder is a good new thing I kin do now! Pause.

Then new thoughts erupted, I couldn’t ever git all tha dirt off nor feel clean wen I was always tha last one in our family ta use tha cold-used bath wadder t’at we all ‘ad ta bathe in separately. How I hated cold wadder bathin’ in soap scum all tha time, ‘cuz Gerry wouldn’t ‘llow me ta waste so much wadder runnin’ it ta git tha bath wadder warmed up ‘gain wen it was my turn ta bathe!

My new Mom-Mina and roomie were still discussing plans for the evening when I came back. As I sat back on my new sleeping bag, I was puzzled how they could be talking so long on the same subject!

At my house, Gerry simply told us what we needed to do for her, Dad nodded agreement and stayed silent all the time, and we’d immediately go to start doing it. And we had to be quick doing her tasks!

I watched in wonder as my Mom-Mina discussed getting Breezy everything that she needed to get set up. I’d never paid such rapt attention before to a mother/teen daughter conversation! And I couldn’t remember being privy to this kind of nonfamily conversation before.

My thoughts jumbled together, so confused was I at what I was seeing and hearing, Breezy’s ‘llowed ta tell her Mom wat she wants? ‘Nd her Mom lets her ‘ave it? Widout Breezy havin’ ta justify it? Her mother jus’ agrees wid her? WOW!

I’d never been allowed to choose anything before! All I knew to do was to follow orders to do what I was told, and agree to whatever Gerry said. Quickly.

After these wonderful new friends had finished their planning, Mom-Mina drove us to the same nearby shopping mall I’d been to earlier with Gerry, to buy Breezy what she wanted. I sat in the back, but this time I got to sit behind Breezy’s front passenger’s seat:  Then I could look at Mom-Mina’s happy profile instead of me being stared at! That was a treat!

When we entered the mall, I happily walked behind them. I was thrilled because I was getting to walk around in the stores again! On the same day! Yipee! That put me more into a rare gleeful mood! Soon, I was breathless at how much Mom-Mina bought for her daughter, too. She bought so much new clothing that all three of us had to carry her new stuff to load it into their rental car.

After that, we went back into the mall where my second Mom treated us to supper. She even let me choose what I wanted to eat! Something else new for me!  Plus, I was allowed to order a soda drink instead of plain water.

Then they remembered other items to shop for Breezy. Gosh, she’s so lucky ta ‘ave such a nice Mom buy ‘er so many things! I thought. And we did a second trip to load the car.

Then Mom-Mina ushered us back into the mall to enjoy dessert. Aren’t sweets only fer holidays? I mumbled aloud.

We’re celebrating your new lives together! Mom-Mina declared with excitement. You and my Breezy are about to embark on a great, exciting and life changing adventure together—going to university!

That’s cause for celebration! Breezy cheerfully chimed in!

I couldn’t help but smile big with them. I thought, Gerry ‘ad not sed nothin’ as nice as t’at ta me durin’ our trip ‘ere tagether. Wow…my firs’ evenin’ at university turned out ta actually be good, happy, ‘nd not lonely! Mom-Mina is rite—this‘s a new lif’ fer us girls, a lif’ of freedom, even though we’re still skoolin’!

I felt small stirrings start slowly to build inside of me throughout that fun evening, causing an awakening of senses I rarely had—it made me feel, alive.

All of the mothers slept elsewhere that night in hotels/motels, or with family or friends. I went to my new bed in my brand-new sleeping bag on a real mattress, feeling better than I had felt in a very, very long time. I woke up the next morning feeling excited for the day—another rare event for me.

Soon our mothers started arriving where we girls had gathered in the eat-in kitchen. When Gerry entered last and looked at me in her usual cold stare, my newly alive senses froze, then instantly melted. I dropped my eyes as the cold feeling I always felt in her presence returned and overcame me.

The kitchen chatter suddenly silenced as the roomies and their mothers stared at me instantly melt my alive body stance back into my submissive demeanor required in Gerry’s presence, complete with hunched shoulders, downcast stance, and eyes looking at her. And with required silence of speech.

Hi, Miriam Ahm, Gerry grimaced at me sharply. There’s a lot ta do taday bafor I leave. We ‘ave ta git ya registered ‘nd git your skool books ‘nd supplies.

I nodded and silently moved toward Gerry as she looked to address the silenced group, instantly smiling warmly to them and then said cheerfully, Have a good and productive day, everyone. Then she quickly turned and briskly led me out. I heard mumbled farewells, and felt all eyes on us while we exited.

Gerry took me first to meet my Dorm Mother, a young married mother whose husband was a student. Next, I got registered for my general classes and the major she had chosen for me. As usual, I had no choice but to watch her in silence.

Lastly, we did toiletry shopping which consisted of me getting my own new soap bar, a new comb, and toilet paper but no soaps for the kitchen, nor any drinks or food for breakfast and lunch snacks for me to put in the refrigerator. Instead, Gerry gave me only five dollars for a week’s worth of food that we six roomies all were expected to contribute each week for our supper meals together.

The rest of the girls were given additional weekly money for their other meals, drinks, and snacks. When I got up the courage to point out that I really needed another five dollars a week for getting some breakfast and lunch foods for myself, Gerry refused to give me any extra money for anything.

I wasn’t surprised, but I was very discouraged because I knew that she knew that I really did need to have five more dollars to take proper care of myself. Gerry evidently didn’t care that I needed to eat during the day! No shock about that. But, I also would need schooling stuff throughout the year.  How was I going to get those things??  She refused to give me any more money and did not care that I was upset, so I did not dare to ask again.

In that late afternoon, four of my roommates and their mothers were not in our dorm unit when Breezy saw Gerry take her final leave of me. My own birth mother left me to start this new chapter for the rest of my life with her usual farewell of factually saying, Goodbye, Miriam Ahm, as she briskly walked out of our dorm room door and closed it behind her, firmly.

No farewell hug nor well wishes… No endearments like I saw the other mothers said with their daughters. No encouragement… No regard… It was quite painful to see that I really meant ‘no-thing’ to her!  My own birth mother!

Breezy impulsively rushed to my hurting frozen form staring at the closed door. She gathered me into her arms, saying gingerly, Miriam Ahm, I’m so glad you’re here and that we share our room together!

I was so surprised to be suddenly touched, hugged and welcomed that my rising tears burst out anyway as I sobbed, You are?

Yes, of course I am, honey, Breezy assured me as she then led me the few steps back to our room and sat me down on her bed beside her. She side-hugged me with one arm and used her other arm to supply me with her Kleenexes until I had stopped sobbing and regained some composure. She started asking general questions to distract me and learn about me.

Her first query was,