Broken Beyond Repair

By Jeffrey D. Thiemig

Billy lived in Springville, Idaho with his on-again off-again boyfriend Dakota, who was cruel and emotionally abusive to him until Dakota finally left. Billy, heartbroken, ends up getting mixed up with the wrong crowd and finds himself in a drug conspiracy and sentenced to seven years in Federal Prison. He's let out on the yard by the one calling the "Shots" for the white race. And against all the white gangs protests Lane puts trust in Billy that he will do the right thing. A year after he's released, his former lover Lane is killed in a riot when he runs into Dakota once again. But this time Dakota wants him back. They live together until a tragic even takes Dakota's life. And at that same spot, where Dakota found Billy years ago, heartbroken and hurting, a new man finds Billy and wants into his life. But will Billy allow another man into his heart again?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Aug 17, 2019
• ISBN: 9781684707393

Book preview

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PROLOGUE

THEY SAY HEARTS break and then eventually heal

Billy tried to remember that as his relationship with Dakota was ending. He’d seen it coming for months now. But for some strange reason, he just couldn’t let Dakota go. He loved Dakota so much, cared for Dakota more than he cared even for himself, and worried about him constantly. But it seemed as time passed Dakota would throw that love back into Billy’s face, wouldn’t care how Billy felt about him. He didn’t want Billy or his love, and Billy didn’t know how to deal with that.

They lived in Springville, Idaho. It’s a small town where everybody knows everyone. Billy and Dakota didn’t live together, only because Dakota said he didn’t think that they would get along, and it would turn out to be drama. But Billy knew that they’d be just fine if they did, much better than they were now. And Billy knew that Dakota tried to keep it under wraps about them being together. But no matter how Dakota played it everyone knew what was going on.

Billy worked for a bus company as a reservationist. People would call to reserve rides to and from the airport to their hotels and to the ski lodges to ski the mountains between Idaho and Utah. It paid good money and the work was fun. He got along with the others that he worked with and he always made the top commissions from working hard and getting the customers to pay for a private van instead of the bus. But also, because Billy was a people person and loved to talk to others. He somehow made others feel comfortable just by listing and tell them he understood.

Dakota worked for a company that put up the poles that eventually would hold power lines. Billy wished that Dakota would get another job. But no matter how much he asked Dakota, or how worried he got about Dakota working at that damn job, Dakota would always say, Nothing’s going to happen to me!

In the beginning, Dakota had Billy walking on clouds. Billy had felt so lost for a while; he was tired of being alone. And in a small town his chances to find love were slim. When they moved their friendship to the next level Billy felt that he was starting to belong. It was the sense of just being with Dakota, taking care of Dakota as a lover should. That made Billy feel he was doing right. Billy was the type that needed to feel needed. Anyone could see when they were together, and getting along, that this was Billy’s element, to be in a relationship and take care of the one he loved.

Do you want to eat on Friday? Dakota would ask.

And just those little invites made Billy’s heart beat just a little bit faster. It was proof to him that he was part of someone else’s life. And it was those precious moments that would allow Billy to ignore that nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. That something was totally wrong with the relationship. But you know how they say love is blind. Well, Billy ignored all those signs, thinking and praying that every bad feeling that he had about their relationship would just go away. That his love would overpower all and win in the end…

CHAPTER 1

HE WAS SHAKING when he got off the bus. He’d been handcuffed and shackled now for hours. The bus had only hard plastic seats. A far cry from the buses they had in Idaho. For these seats offered no comfort, no matter what position you’d sit, or how much your buns longed for it. The bus also had a fenced partition that the guards would lock once all the inmates were seated. It kept the inmates from the guards to prevent a prisoner from hijacking the bus.

Right behind the driver stood five separate cages. They could hold inmates separately from others that were considered too violent, escape risks, or in need of confinement for their protection based on crimes they had committed.

But the one thing that scared Billy more was the guard that sat at the rear of the bus in a cage across from the toilet, sitting in a nice comfortable chair toting a shotgun. He stayed silent, simply smiling and watching. Probably in hopes that one would screw up and allow him to use it.

Throughout the bus ride, a few inmates tried to strike up a conversation with him. He’d only answer their questions in clipped snarls. All could see he preferred not to be bothered. But as Billy would learn, inmates loved seeing how far they could push, whether it be the guards or other inmates. But soon they got bored and no one tried to press him further. They just gave up knowing that it would be useless to even bother with him.

A while later he looked out the window and noticed a lot of big fences with barbed wire all around, and a lot of buildings inside this fence, which he heard others calling it a ‘Compound’. They pulled up to a huge gate, one that Billy imagined would hold King Kong. As the gate slid open slowly, he became more and more nervous. Things had started to become real for him, really fast. While they were driving, they were okay. He could make believe that things were fine and that there would be no other inmates he would have to face, no dangers as he had heard in the jail, and no cell that he would have to get locked into. He would’ve preferred to drive around until his time was up. But now, at the prison, he’d have to learn how to survive and learn fast. But Billy wasn’t sure he could do just that.

They pulled into a big garage and the guards started to shuffle everyone off the bus. Billy noticed that the guard that was seated in the back cage wasn’t as large as he’d imagined. Billy started to wonder if the cage had been designed just to scare those being transported. So that those that were thinking about doing something foolish thought twice about it.

Everybody on the yellow line! the driver called out, Make a row! he shouted to them as they all exited the bus.

Some of the inmates were slow to get to that yellow line the guard had ordered them to stand on. A few took their time, as though they had plenty of time and no kinds of worries. Doing their best to prove that they still had some control about what they wanted to do and not to do.

The guard had stepped in front of a tall thin guy with lots of tattoos who was laughing and talking to the man next to him, Hey you! What’s your name? he yelled into the inmates face as he stood face to face with him.

The inmate puffed up his chest, lifted his chin a bit higher, all the while looking the guard straight in his eyes, Johnson, boss! he answered.

Is this your first time being locked up and put through this process? the guard asked, his voice sounding not very pleased.

The guard knew he’d asked a rhetorical question. He could tell just by looking at Johnson that this wasn’t his first time, second, or even his third. He dealt with these types of inmates all day long. They believed that because they’d been to prison more than once or twice that they owned the place. That they deserved some kind of special treatment. Some kind of respect. They were not going to get it from him. He wasn’t going to give someone who just couldn’t learn their lesson and stay the hell out of places like these his respect. He believed they should get treated like shit until they were tired of being in a place like this.

No, boss, Johnson said with a smile, it’s my fourth time.

Then you should know to SHUT THE FUCK UP! RIGHT? the guard yelled before stalking away, a small smile on his lips.

The guard couldn’t believe as he walked away that Johnson was proud of this being his fourth time. He couldn’t understand why one would take so much pride in being in prison so much. What is wrong with this guy? he thought to himself as he walked away.

Those standing next to Johnson on that yellow line could see many emotions flash across his face. Those who had served prison time before looked excited, wondering what would happen next. They hoped for some entertainment, maybe even some violence.

Convicts understood the prison code: Guards were the enemy! However, the new inmates, The Fish, had scared looks on their faces, hoping all would go away soon. The Fish didn’t want to make waves, get involved, or especially cause trouble. They only wanted to become invisible, not be noticed by the guards or the inmates. They didn’t know the prison rules…yet. But they soon would learn.

A few would only survive in the narrowest sense of the word. Others would be run off the prison yard if they were lucky. If not, they would be used, abused, or even raped. And some would even endure stabbing or stomping fates.

But Billy was different. Although scared, he could make it, if he used that brain of his. Billy had a personality that made others want to take care of him, to look out for him. He was kind, loving, and very forgiving, something that those in charge would gravitate to while others tried their best to destroy. He was almost pure at heart. And though Dakota took a part of him away, he still found most of himself after he had fought, mended, and healed his broken heart.

Billy was short, 5’6", weighed only 156 pounds. He was fun to be around, funny, cute and friendly. He had a well-shaped body, dark blond hair with bright green eyes that always seemed to sparkle, especially when he was smiling, which was most of the time.

He sported a well-toned physique from rigorous exercising. He’d started these exercises during his breakup with Dakota so that he’d be so exhausted that he wouldn’t dwell on the pain, or on Dakota, and it paid off in two ways. He got himself exhausted where he didn’t think of Dakota too much, and he got a great body out of it all too.

His size eight feet anchored thick calves covered with brown fuzz that ran along a thick tail from his groin to his belly button. His well-developed six pack and chest was shaved and endowed with gorgeous skin.

As other inmates’ glance at him, while they were on the bus ride, some looked at him with expressions varying from worry to pity. For they knew how cold and heartless inmates, especially lifers, could be. Anyone looking at Billy could tell that he was gay. There was no way he could hide it.

Okay guys, through the door. And keep to your right! another guard barked, holding the door open.

As soon as everyone had moved through the door, they heard the warning, CODE RED! CODE RED! blaring from the guard’s radio.

It seemed right then to the new Fish that all hell had broken loose. But to the hardened convicts in the group, this sort of commotion finally offered something worth seeing.

For the new Fish, everything started to happen so fast that it seemed time stopped. And at the same time, their brains just could not deal with all that was happening in front of them. And so, they stood there frozen where they stood, lost in fear and wonder about what would happen next.

CHAPTER 2

THE SEX FOR Billy was nerve-wracking. It always felt as though it was their first time for Billy. Being with Dakota made him feel nervous and not sure of what to do. So, he was always nervous and had butterflies in his stomach. That’s how Billy always felt. He tried his best to act normal and hopefully he’d feel normal if he Faked It Till He Made It. But it just wasn’t so. At least at the beginning of sex. Once they started instincts took over and things just worked out.

To Billy Dakota was gorgeous. He was 5’11", and had the three H’s…husky, hairy, and handsome. His body hair that laid on top of golden skin was very soft. His head, usually bald, would grow just a bit that Billy loved to run his hands all over to feel that small touch of growth, reminding him of sandpaper.

Dakota wore a goat-tee, but Billy would always beg him to grow a beard. Billy was into the Bear scene. And Dakota fit that perfectly, in Billy’s eyes. But to go along with that perfect body, and that soft body hair, he had the most piercing blue eyes. Eyes that Billy loved to get lost in.

Once they both got comfortable the sex was great. When Dakota had Billy’s cock in his mouth, sucking softly, bringing him to climax, Billy would fear that his heart would explode every time. Something about being with Dakota made his orgasms stronger than any other time he could remember. Dakota’s cock wasn’t long, but it was thick and perfectly shaped to Billy. And when Dakota was getting close to coming, that was Billy’s favorite time, because that’s when Dakota held onto Billy with so much force and desire that he felt that Dakota really did love him. Dakota would moan, tense up, and hold onto Billy like there was no tomorrow.

Afterward, Dakota would hold him in his arms under the covers. Billy would wrap Dakota’s arms around him as tight as he could. Never wanting Dakota to let go of him. Dakota would then kiss the back of Billy’s neck, draping his hairy leg over Billy, and breathing in Billy’s sent. Billy could think of no time more perfect than those times. It was a time when Dakota didn’t think or care about nothing except being there with him.

This is nice. Dakota would often say hugging him tighter to him

However, to Billy, the one part that he loved just as much was when Dakota would kiss him. Dakota would kiss him with so much passion. Dakota’s tongue was so soft, and his mouth was so wet and warm. Dakota kissed nice. It wasn’t sloppy as he had experienced with other men before. Kissing sloppy was a turn off to Billy. A major deal breaker. Not that he kissed a lot of men. But the few he had wasn’t as good.

Still, the bad thing to Billy was that Dakota decided when it was time for sex, which was fine in the beginning. Billy didn’t get much of a say in their sexual relationship. At first, it didn’t much matter. In the honeymoon stage, the sex is always more often. But as all honeymoon stages go, they just don’t last, and theirs didn’t last long.

Time together too was decided by Dakota. He didn’t want to spend much time with Billy. He was afraid of what others thought about him spending time together. And he was also uncomfortable with his own thoughts about the situation. Billy would always ask him if he’d like to watch a movie or even just a show. But Dakota would always refuse, and Billy couldn’t figure out why. All that he knew was that it hurt each time Dakota said No. This was one of the signs to get away, to not fall too deep with his feelings. But Billy just didn’t listen, he, of course, ignored those signs, believing that if he just loved him a little more and was a little more patient that Dakota would come around.

Billy also knew that Dakota was embarrassed to be with him. He didn’t need a feeling to know that. He could see it by Dakota’s actions. But no matter how hurt he was, or how fed up he got, Billy just couldn’t let him go. He really wouldn’t let him go. He’d try everything he could to make Dakota more comfortable. Yet everything he did didn’t work. What’s more, is that it seemed to push Dakota away even more than he already was. And the more that Dakota pulled away, the more Billy tried to hold on tighter and making things worse for them both.

Most of Dakota’s friends didn’t treat Dakota any differently for being with Billy. A lot of them liked and cared for Billy, being gay didn’t much matter to them. Still, there were a couple of his friends that didn’t approve. And maybe that was one of the reasons why Dakota treated Billy the way he did…like a fat chick. As though he wanted to hide Billy away, only to come around when he was feeling horny or needed something.

He would promise all kinds of things, spinning things that would leave Billy confused but hopeful. Leaving Billy to do nothing but chase him. And that was when Billy realized that no matter what he did Dakota wasn’t going to chase him back. And Billy then came to see that Dakota just didn’t like him in that way. No matter what Dakota said to him.

And so, a few months into their relationship Billy finally got the nerve to voice his concerns and to confront him.

I need more Dakota. You don’t spend enough time with me. Billy said to him looking him straight in the eyes. And I know you don’t like me more than a friend, he added as his voice shook. So, I am done. I am not doing this anymore. It hurts too much, and I have got to stop before I get hurt even worse than I am now.

I love you, Billy, Dakota said to him, surprising him. I’m sorry I don’t show it enough. That’s just how I am. But I think of you more and more throughout the day Billy. I’m sorry I’m hurting you. he said looking at Billy.

And right then Billy forgave him. He forgave him for not spending time with him, for what little sex they were now having, for not saying hello to Billy in public. Yes, Billy forgave him for everything. And for a while things were okay. Dakota paid more attention to Billy and Billy let up on trying to hold on so tight. But as time went on Dakota again became mean and rude. Saying things that he knew would hurt him.

Billy struggled with himself. He knew something wasn’t right. He’d end up beating himself up, going back and forth from love to anger. But being so forgiving as he was, he stayed in the relationship, hoping Dakota would, in time, fall in love with him, as he was with Dakota. He believed that if he’d just love Dakota enough, did enough, and stayed long enough, that things would eventually work out for them. That Dakota would realize he wanted Billy just as much as Billy wanted him.

But as time went by Billy slowly lost himself. Dakota became more distant, meaner. And pretty soon the sex wasn’t giving and there was no more cuddling. Everything became one-sided. But Billy still couldn’t let Dakota go. He wanted to know what he did wrong so that he could fix things and make everything go back to the way it was sexually. He would take whatever he could get. He was emotionally tied to Dakota. And later he’d discover that it was the unanswered questions that would keep him hooked.

Billy should have known to let the relationship go, but he just believed that Dakota would open his eyes and see just how special Billy was to him. So, he put up with the meanness, rejection and the avoidance from Dakota, not realizing that Dakota was chipping away at his self-worth. Each day the pain hurt more and more, and some days Billy thought he’d explode. And many times, he would find himself crying, begging God to please make Dakota love him back. But no matter how much begging he did, Billy knew deep down that Dakota would never love him as he loved Dakota.

He always treated Dakota good. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for him. Still, Billy just couldn’t understand why Dakota was so mean to someone who cared about him so much. How was it possible that someone could be so cruel? He racked his brain, trying to see if he’d done something to deserve it, some kind of karma that was coming back to haunt him, but he never could come up with any answers. And a lot of the time that he sat back and thought about things he thought that just maybe he treated Dakota a little too good.

Many times, he’d beg Dakota to be nicer. And sometimes he was, but it never lasted for long. He’d always go back to being an asshole.

How is it that you allow this dude to walk all over you and you don’t say anything to him? But you don’t allow me to get away with anything, and you tell me exactly what’s on your mind? a friend of Billy’s asked him as they were sitting around.

I don’t know. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how he’s got me this way. Billy answered back. What is happening to me is not good for me I know it. But I don’t know how to stop this. I feel that I am dying inside and no matter what I do or say to myself, it doesn’t change things. It’s like I am on this course that I am unable to change. he finished saying as tears filled up in his eyes.

You have got to figure out a way to get away from him Billy. If not, your life is going to continue to be chaos. his friend said as he patted Billy’s back.

Billy couldn’t argue. He knew his friend was right. But he didn’t know what to do. Dakota was so sexy to him. He longed for those little times he’d get to touch him, to feel his hands grab onto him tightly as he came. But those times were now getting too far and in between to make a difference. It just wasn’t the same anymore. And lately, Dakota would pull away when he went to touch him. And each time that happened Billy’s heart would crack a little more.

As the days went on Billy was slowly changing from being his happy self to being sad and angry. He began to stay away from everyone, trying to isolate himself. He’d even end up missing work. However, he knew that wouldn’t work forever. He had to face facts: Dakota and he were not going to work no matter how much love Billy put into the relationship. No matter how much patience he had Dakota would not come around and be with him fully. He was realizing that it was just him fighting for the relationship, and he couldn’t fight alone and win. But he couldn’t or wouldn’t give up. Something in him just kept telling him that if he just held on a bit longer, be a little more patient… So, he tried and tried to make Dakota happy, even to the point of sacrificing his own happiness.

His friends hated seeing him go through this. Many times, they’d try their best to make him see how fucked up Dakota was. How his friends were more important than Billy was to him. And how Dakota wasn’t very attentive to his needs and emotions. But no matter what they said to him, he would always defend Dakota. Billy could see everything that they’d point out to him. He knew all those things were true. But he still believed his love would change Dakota. And he still worried about him, no matter what anyone said, or no matter what Dakota did.

But finally, in the end, Billy knew he’d lost it all. They argued really bad. And Dakota would no longer talk to him.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you think you can treat me this way and not realize that I love you and care about you? Billy asked him one day.

Listen, Billy, I don’t care. I want away from you. Get lost and leave me the fuck alone! Dakota said to him rudely.

What did I do to make you act this way towards me? he asked.

You know I’m not gay Billy. Get the fuck away from me. Dakota said.

And though Billy was hurt and confused, he knew that he would no longer take care of Dakota. And he realized he should’ve never tried. Dakota had to figure out himself. He wished so bad that he could go back. But hindsight is twenty-twenty. If he could go back, he would change so much. Still, he knew they could never start over. And he’d have to let Dakota go.

Billy tried to make a list of Pros and Cons. But even though there were way more cons than Pros, he just couldn’t stop caring. He knew that Dakota was selfish and only cared about himself. He could finally see that clear as day now. Many of Dakota’s own friends told him the same thing too. But he realized that a bit too late.

And no matter what decisions he had made that day, he would again find himself back in the same spot, not giving up on his love.

CHAPTER 3

A FEW HOURS later Billy and the other inmates were stripped, issued new clothing, and placed in a large room that looked like a drunk tank. The whole room was painted a very light blue, almost white. The floor was concrete, and along one of the walls was a long concrete bench. The guards had placed mattresses inside the room for them to sleep on that the inmates took and moved them to claim their spots on the floor. There was a small brick wall that gave little privacy to the toilet and sink.

What Billy noticed immediately was that the officers split up the inmates. Of the seven inmates, three were black and the rest were white. Billy and the other three white guys were in one tank, and the blacks were in the next one over.

He wanted to know why they were split up. He thought and thought, trying to come up with some reason as to why this was but no matter how much he thought about it he couldn’t come up with a reason. He wanted to ask questions, he wanted to find out what to expect. This was the first of the many things that he would not understand here in prison. But he thought keeping quiet would be the best thing to do for now. Though scared, he didn’t want to draw any attention