The Evil Mastermind Management Book

By Jamais Jochim

Are you tired of reading management books that stick to the politically correct areas, and worry more about the legal ramifications of your actions rather than actual management This book is for you! -the prefect location for your "business" headquarters -How to market your business, on the big and little scales -How to find and hire employees -Non-standard rewards and punishments! -How to manage Men more effectively ---Hazing and you! ---How to make friends and influence enemies ---Everything you ever wanted to know about men (including why they don't ask for directions!) -How to manage women more effectively ---The Glass Ceiling Myth ---everything you wanted to know about women ---Fashion tips General Tips on Business Leadership -The SEO Myth In short, everything it takes to be an evil Mastermind BONUS: How not to screw up like the bad guys in the movies do!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: May 3, 2011
• ISBN: 9781257665969

Jamais Jochim

I'm the guy who knows every last fact about Spider-man and if I don't I'll track it down. I love bad movies, enjoy table-top gaming, and probably would drive you crazy if you weren't ready for it. I have ADHD but refer to it as "hyperkinesis" because it sounds like a super-power. It means that I can be disorganized to the naked eye, but in reality, I probably have a reason for the clutter and you may actually like it. I write books that I would like. This means that the characters are those you would want to have a drink with, maybe talk about philosophy, and maybe game with. The plots involve a little humor, some romance, and maybe even some weirdness. In short: If you like 1980s movies you should enjoy them. My books on style and management are how I'd like to do it, so expect some weirdness but it's the kind of weirdness you can get behind. I hope you enjoy my books; I enjoyed writing them!

Book preview

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PREFACE

First and foremost: This book is not a book on how to become an Evil Mastermind.

It is a book on how to be one. If you aren’t one already, this book will not help you. You need to be the kind of person that has no problem kicking puppies and throwing those no-profit orphans out on the street. If it came down to your mother and a nickel, you’ll obviously hold out for more; she’s worst at least sixty-eight cents!

Yeesh.

If you’re not already an Evil Mastermind, then this book is not for you. Give it to your nephew, the one who thinks flies like having their wings ripped off right before you put it in a spider web. Thank you for helping us reach our target audience.

Most other management books concentrate on how the manager can help the employees, as if the manager has to coddle the poor downtrodden things from hire to retirement. I am tired of people so lacking in self-confidence that they need to be told that making decisions and making sure that the job gets done are part of management; you would think that would be obvious! There are too many of those be nice to your employees touchy-feely books; what’s the point of being a manager if you need to nice to your employees? I thought the possibility of being a cruel manager was part of the incentive to become one!

Worse, they then give a number of personality tests and stupid questions that have no application to reality for when you interview people. My least favorite of all time has got to be: Have the applicant describe himself in one word. What’s the point? If I say, creative, am I truly a creative person? And if I say, purple, am I being creative or just being obnoxious? Is there a correct answer?

And then there are those books where the manager is supposed to be some Ward Cleaver type. If the employee comes in, having destroyed the factory, the manager is supposed to calm him down, not blame him, and deal calmly with the inferno. Personally, I prefer the call 9-1-1, there’s going to be a murder approach.

This is not to say that I think the Ward Cleaver approach is bad; I just think that it is an extreme position, and extreme positions are never good. There needs to be a more moderate position between Ward Cleaver and Demon Manager. However, until there is, and as there is too much of the former, we need more of the latter.

So enjoy.

INTRODUCTION

What is an Evil Mastermind?

This is more than just a literary inquiry. What does it take to be considered an Evil Mastermind? And what differentiates an Evil Mastermind from someone who is merely evil? And not in some silly, insipid Snidely Whiplash fashion, either; we are talking true villainy here.

To be considered an Evil Mastermind requires more than just mere evil. Evil, after all, merely assumes that you work to the detriment of one’s society; that can be random as a psychotic or other psychological deviancy. These can be caused by some random event; true villainy requires a choice.

It is that choice to be a deviant that defines the Evil Mastermind. Satan can rightfully be considered the first Evil Mastermind; he chose to rebel against God himself. He was certainly wise enough to realize that rebelling against God was not the brightest of ideas, but he didn’t back down once he made up his mind.

Catherine of Bathory killed four hundred young girls in order to gain immortality. Is she an Evil Mastermind? She caused a lot of damage, admittedly, but she lacked intelligence. An Evil Mastermind needs to be capable of dastardly deeds, but must be able to realize the dual perspective on those actions; that others see them as wrong, but that the Evil Mastermind sees them as correct. Catherine did not see the wrongness of her actions; she believed that as a noble she could do whatever she wanted with those on her lands. A true Evil Mastermind is intelligence enough to realize that killing four hundred virgins is wrong by most standards, yet would do so because they felt immortality was worth the cost. Willpower is an obviously corollary; how can you follow a path deemed incorrect without the willpower to follow that path?

Organization is also a requirement; Satan has his devils, after all. This is not because an Evil Mastermind requires fellowship; he is above the regular type of person, after all, and how can you have equals when you are above all others? However, he realizes that he can’t be everywhere at once and that he lacks abilities that others may have. A good Evil Mastermind accepts the lack of omni-presence with a certain glee; imagining the looks of his enemies as they uncover his plans is definitely worth him. The lacking of abilities is an annoyance, but allows the Evil Mastermind to concentrate on what is important to him; planning is, after all, the main challenge; building the rocket is mere drudgery, even though the physics may be intriguing. An Evil Mastermind ultimately prefers supervising to getting his hands dirty.

Lastly, and most importantly, is the dark nobility that is present in all Evil Masterminds. Most Evil Masterminds are interesting persons, people that you would love to share a glass of wine with, or be seduced by. This is because they are intrinsically persons that, except for one event or do to a point of reference, would have been heroes. Consider Count Dracula: not the gothic, whiny blood-sucker so often presented in current movies, but of the novel and the Hammer Films movies; the planning sadist who wants to be admired, but is undone by his very aspirations. If not for his pride, he would have been the consummate noble: always defending his country, polite to a fault, and understanding the bonds of friends and family.

However, his pride is his downfall. He must be Number One; no one else may be the leader. He must be the best, and he must get what he wants, regardless of the cost to others. Although his other traits would ensure his status, his pride constantly calls that status into question. Men who will not bow before him must fall; women who will not let him seduce them become part of his harem. It is because of this extreme pride that he has become an Evil Mastermind, and not just merely evil; it is this flame that constantly burns him.

Thus, qualifications for an Evil Mastermind are therefore: some kind of deviancy; the intelligence to recognize the deviancy; the willpower to engage in it; an organization; and a dark nobility. Once these factors are present, you may have an Evil Mastermind.

Gender Usage

Throughout this book, I will consistency use the masculine pronoun and words like guys and men. You should not presume that I believe that women cannot be as evil or ambitious as their male counterparts; nothing could be further from the truth. Instead, I am using those in the generic sense in an attempt to avoid awkward constructions or creating new pronouns, and to encourage clarity over obfuscation of my points. If anyone feels slighted by my use of the masculine to imply a neutral gender, so be it; it is my story to tell you the way I see fit.

On the other hand, you are so offended that you wish to bury me, then use the lessons you glean from this book to create an empire to take me out; it just demonstrates that I have control over your life, and that I was right. After all, had I used non-masculine neutral gender words, would you have had the anger to form your own empire?

QUALIFICATIONS

What does it take to become a true Evil Mastermind, an evil overlord as it were?

For this, we have the following examples from fact and fiction. It should be noted that although some may not seem like Evil Masterminds, as an Evil Mastermind is not necessarily an Evil Mastermind by choice; sometimes history makes that decision for them. Genghis Khan, for example, is hero to a lot of people; he was a tactical genius, he had a lot of forthright qualities, and he was probably a great guy to have a beer with. However, his ruthlessness, his superiority complex, and his obsessive/compulsive disorder regarding conquering the world put him on this list.

In The Beginning

No list of Evil Masterminds would be complete without mentioning Satan. Satan has several strong points as an Evil Mastermind: Good marketing; ambiguous status; and appreciation of a rewards system. Everyone knows who the devil is, what his stance is, and has a stance on that stance. Note: Everyone. Not just a big crowd of people, not a majority, not just 99.99%. Everyone. He has reached 100% saturation of his chosen market (The World); can be there be a better marketing campaign?

His ambiguous status (real or fictional) is also a major plus. Think about that for a moment. Although there a lot of people that believe he is real, no one in authority can act on that belief without some very definite proof. As long as that proof is not supplied, he can do anything! And given that a number of people across the globe have a vested interest in maintaining that status (including a number of people on his opposition), it is doubtful that he will lose that status.

Lastly, there is his appreciation for a rewards system. He is willing to trade anything that he has access to (and he access to a lot) for a soul. Any soul. It doesn’t even need to be the person asking; it’s not like he’s going to be asking where it came from, and may compliment you if you were clever enough in acquiring one. This, of course, means that anyone who does what The Devil wants will usually be rewarded well, outrageously well. He can afford it.

And he is known to punish those who fail him in very painful, usually interesting ways. The Chinese proverb about living in interesting time applies triple to any punishment the devil gives you. Consider dealing with this ultimate Monty Hall: You do well, you do outrageously well; you fail, you do so fully warned and in a very messy way.

Don’t Steppe On Me

Genghis Khan created an empire by raiding and pillaging. His name became feared by all who heard it. If he said not to do something on pain of death and you did it, you died. He said he was going to take over the world; he conquered all that he knew and then some. He said that he would be immortal; his name still echoes in the Halls of History, and his genes are part of almost everyone with an ancestor from Asia.

Eventually, his grandson Kublai was able to weld all of that into a truly devastating empire by building on his grandfather’s success. A good manager needs to make sure that what he says will happen; Genghis is exemplary in this regard. Remember this example always: What you say you will do, you need to do.

Don’t Force Me To Do It

Darth Vader eliminated his competition, and then instituted a rather unique promotion plan; you failed, your surviving subordinate would take over your project. By providing an obvious incentive, Vader was able to strengthen his master’s will, and create a powerful empire of his own. You always knew what to expect when Vader was in the area; that consistency is more important than any other factor; if your subordinates know what to expect from you, that anticipation is very efficient in regards to time. After all, if they know what you want, you don’t need to waste time telling them, right?

By providing the obvious incentive he also insured that his soldiers would learn to anticipate his commands, and that anticipation made his orders be followed out quickly and sometimes without him having to talk. Anticipation is great when it works well.

The Ruling Toga Party

The Romans had the right idea: PR as a weapon as powerful as any army. They would show up, offer the town a chance at surrendering to them, and leave. The towns that surrendered were allowed to live life as normal, and received the benefits of belonging to the most powerful nation at the time, thus prospering, albeit having to take a hit to the profit margin. Towns that refused were crushed into dust. Which option would you prefer?

By creating a product (Safety) and successfully marketing it, the Romans were able to forge an empire. At least, until they grew lax, and the barbarians destroyed the empire with their opposing product: Freedom from Rome. The obvious lesson for marketers: Never grow lax in your marketing, or an opposing product will take over your market share.

The Darkest Hour of Knight

Morgan Le Fey is an interesting case study: A woman who essentially raped King Arthur (a weird way of looking at it, perhaps, but a nonetheless accurate one by today’s standards, especially when you consider date-rape drugs (illusions, potions, rohypnol, whatever), she raised the resulting son for the sole purpose of leading an army to kill a king. She also butted heads with Merlin, proving time and again to be a sizable thorn in the side of the wizard.

Proof that women can be just as evil as men (as per traditional portrayal), she nonetheless gained her power by knowing her place, and taking advantage of it, as well as when to ignore her station. In order to get her son to the station she needed, she allowed him to appear to the boss, thus demonstrating that the proper place of a woman was behind the man. She then used him to lead her armies, making sure that at all times that he was the one in charge.

She wanted Arthur dead for two reasons: There’s the obvious revenge issue, and there’s the power issue. In order to take over, she needed a coup; merely demonstrating Mordred’s paternity would not have succeeded, even allowing for Arthur’s lack of heirs (it would have been a short reign, assuming he was allowed to live).

In this situation, she would not have accomplished as much as if she had led the armies directly; she made her son into a hero and the leader of men so that she could have her revenge. She took advantage of her station, and used it to kill knights and battle Merlin, with the blame placed squarely on Mordred by those not in the know (such as King Arthur and Merlin). This the reason why figureheads are so popular among Evil Masterminds; by not being the one in front, you paint a bull’s eye on the man in front.

From Fantastic Beginnings

Doctor Victor von Doom is another of the great minds. He started off the son of a gypsy, got some education, and now rules his own country, most notable in that the trains run on time. He is proof of how far college can take you! More importantly, he also demonstrates how far a simple focus on something can take you; although revenge is not the best motivator, it is nonetheless a motivator, and that is always important if you’re going to succeed. Without motivation, you will never succeed at anything.

Also worth noting is Doom’s intelligence. And I’m not looking at straight IQ here. Marilyn vos Savant has an IQ of 220 and all she does is write a newspaper column where people ask her to answer puzzling questions; it looks nice on a resume, but how does that help rule the world? Doom’s country has one of the highest per capita’s in his world, they are incredibly healthy, and the work required to enjoy that standard is minimal. Thanks in large part to automation, and allowing his people to do what they want, Latveria would be one of the best places in the world to live even without Doom.

Say Five Times Fast: Able Was I Saw Elba

Napoleon Bonaparte is also an interesting example. Napoleon believed in sequels; he would become powerful, get deposed, come back for more. It took poisoning him to get him to stop; that kind of perseverance is what makes him a worthy example. However, more importantly, take note of his failures in Russia and America.

Selling the Louisiana Purchase to America is important to note because it shows that, if you have a resource you can’t use, find a way to make it useful. Napoleon was unable to even begin exploiting the resources that America represented because of issues at home; he simply didn’t trust anyone. Could he have, then France would have more thoroughly explored the continent, and have taken care of two issues at once: It would have allowed France to deal with its population issues (specifically, getting rid of a large part of its undesirables), and enriched Napoleon’s coffers. However, it only enriched his coffers, and made America all that it is today.

His invading Russia is a lesson in realizing limits. Napoleon went in unprepared for the winter, with stretched supply lines, and against an enemy that was more than willing to throw its life away to stop him. Consider an invasion from Russia’s side: Winter is incredibly boring, and it’s a testament to one’s survival just to live there. They probably saw an invasion as fun; if you couldn’t survive a simple land war, you were worthless anyway. Napoleon was bound to lose; he should have simply not gone there in the first place.

Land of The Modern Vikings

Joseph Stalin needs to be noted here on the grounds that he was able to intimidate everyone. Everyone was scared of him; I have no doubt that if he were to simply walk into the Iron Cage of a wrestling event no one would dare fight him. Intimidation is a definite hallmark of the Evil Mastermind; it makes your enemies think twice and three times about facing you. Making your enemies pause is a great way to win battles; as they pause, you storm in and eliminate them. People were willing to die just to not have to face him directly; that is a true strength. That he was able to be Uncle Joe, and be loved by all that didn’t fear him, is also an interesting testament to the most feared man’s in Russia’s desire to be a leader among men and a giant among giants.

This One Time, In Concentration Camp...

We’re almost through with examples; Adolph Hitler will be the last one. Hitler started as a house painter; had he been any good at it, he probably wouldn’t have become what he did. However, he got into politics, and became very good at it. Germany at that time was well set up for any politician to come in and take up