The Beginner's Guide to Being Evil

By Craig Crawford

Hey! I'm Dave. And you have questions. You're probably starting with this one:

"Why should I not only buy, but actually read this book?"

Look, no matter what religious doctrine, books, laws, or commandments you follow (and even if you don't), 100% of you have committed sins, shameful deeds, etc. (Quit lying to yourself, yes you have. For some of you, it probably happened within the past hour.) Ergo, when you reach the afterlife, for a lot of you there’s going to be a closed door to the escalator heading Upstairs, probably guarded by two big goons with big stupid wings.

Shock of all shockers! You’re headed Downstairs.

"So, what happens down there, Dave? Is it really all that bad?"

Welp, I'll be honest. Most of you are probably looking at spending the rest of eternity working in wart diagnostics, slaving away in a food court (haha, "food"), or any of a thousand other awful careers. Did I mention the plumbing level?

"Isn’t there any hope, Dave?"

Oh, I'm so very glad you asked!

In my book, I give you the skinny and the lowdown on EVIL. What it is, how it works, and how to use said information therein to make your afterlife less pitiful. Heck, there’s even a test to assess your evil skills to see where you stack up and decide if you should work a little harder to better your situation. Because you can! Better your afterlife situation, that is.

Sure, you can ignore me. But while I’m not all "omniscient" like the Big Guy Upstairs (cheater), I’ll know whether you snubbed me because the old adage stands: you can’t bullsh-- a bullsh--er.
What’s a few measly bucks anyway if it earns you a decent apartment in the hereafter? Then you can point and laugh at all your friends who gave you crap for buying the book. (Trust me, they’re on their way Downstairs, too.)

So, come on! Don’t be afraid. You might actually learn something of value...not like high school and college—and it’s a lot cheaper!

~ Dave E. Lish

* * *
"Dave E. Lish Presents: The Beginner's Guide to Being Evil," brought to you by the meat suit known as Craig Crawford, is a satire novella published by Mannison Press, LLC.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mannison Press, LLC
• Release date: Sep 9, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005647629

Craig Crawford

Craig Crawford is a columnist for Congressional Quarterly’s CQ Politics and his writing appears regularly in newspapers throughout the country. He is the former editor-in-chief of The Hotline and was previously a reporter for the Orlando Sentinel.  He is the author of Attack the Messenger and The Politics of Life.  He lives in Washington, D.C., and blogs daily at craigcrawford.com.

Book preview

Dave E. Lish Presents

The Beginner's Guide to Being Evil

Brought to you by the meat suit known as

Craig Crawford

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2021 Craig Crawford

Published by Mannison Press, LLC at Smashwords

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of the author.

For 'Becca,

who gave me a knowing push at just the right time.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter One

Evil: Is It Really the Life for You?

and

What Can I Get Out of this book?

Chapter Two

Evil: A Privilege, Not a Right

Chapter Three

Evil, A Short History

Chapter Four

Evil in Today's Culture

Chapter Five

Nurturing Evil at Home in Today's Busy Society

Chapter Six

Evil in All Its Many Facets

Chapter Seven

K.A.N.D.E. (Kickin' Ass 'N Destroying Everything)

or

Evil No-No's

Chapter Eight

The Evil Test: Be All You Can Be

or

Enjoy Your Sucky Life as a Good Person

Chapter Nine

Ok, I'm Evil. Cool. Now what?

Chapter Ten

The Future of Evil

Chapter Eleven

Some Final Thoughts

Acknowledgements

About Craig Crawford

Connect with Craig

Introduction

Greetings and hiya.

After having plunked down money and taken this book home, you're now wondering what amazing ideas and secrets are engraved here. [1] How did this fine tome of knowledge and education come into being, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

I was sitting in my office one afternoon going over the books. [2] My secretary, Martin, popped in to give me the latest figures and financials on Level 4 (those people are the laziest bunch of yahoos I've ever had the pleasure of torturing), when I went off on a tangent on how no one is really, truly bad anymore.

Sure, you've got your sinners and your politicians stealing everything from absolutely everyone. Yeah, corporations drain you of all your cash after having convinced you of being able to lose a hundred pounds in four days, or looking beautiful forever if you only buy this rare oil from the nether regions of some smelly animal. And there's always a bloodthirsty dictator out there killing and maiming and You-Know-Who knows what else. But, really, there are no truly evil people out there with panache. No one has that extra over-the-top Wow! factor. That wink of the eye as he watches you step onto a booby trap dropping you into a pit with a hydraulic fan rotating at the bottom. Where have all the stylish evil fanatics gone?

Martin perked up. Maybe they've forgotten how to be evil.

I mulled that over in my head for the rest of the afternoon. The reports and financials weren't going anywhere. Besides, I know who the real a-holes are, and on what level they're hanging out. Martin was absolutely right.[3] Martin had voiced the truth of the day. It seems that people have forgotten the true spirit of bona fide evil and what it's all about.

Ninety-nine percent of the people coming through my door (really closer to 99.9%) are just watered-down versions of some of the greats who used to stroll in demanding a penthouse view. Yeah, sure, we've got indoor plumbing on most levels, but it's a whole lot more fun to dump a bedpan out the window and watch to see who it hits on the way down. I don't know why civilization ever got away from that.

And, so, here we are. What follows is everything I know about evil. All the ins and outs, the side avenues and the proverbial golden brick road leading up to the front door of the mansion of evil itself. I guarantee, if you read this book, you'll understand evil and how to improve your life by living an evil lifestyle. [4]

I would like to thank a few of the condemned who crunched the numbers for me, edited my draft, and so on. This book wouldn't have been quite as good without them.

First, there's Martin. His job title is Secretary, but he's one of those guys who just intuitively knows what needs to be done, and when. He all but knows what I'm thinking and is able to anticipate what I need, usually before I do. Honestly, he keeps the place afloat and I couldn't replace him if I had to. Don't worry; he's not getting out of here anytime soon. It'll be a cold day in here when he does. Either way, he had a hand in tweaking the manuscript so you could get the most out of it.

Secondly, I'd like to thank a lot of other miscreants for running the manuscript here and there, showing it to a few close friends and so on. I'd give you all of their names but I don't have the time. The editor's standing over me with a baseball bat as we speak. Besides, some of them I'd rather not call by name to protect the universities and institutions they're associated with.

Then there's this guy running Level 12…let's just call him Joe. I doubt you could competently say his real name and I have no desire to write the entire thing here. Actually, he's a very likeable character, considering everyone under him wants to slip him a cheeseburger that's been sitting under the lights too long at your favorite fast food joint. He dotted my I's and crossed my T's, and gave me his quirky disgusted look when I went too far out on a limb—or just completely stomped it until it broke. Thanks, Joe. Now get back to work. Sorry, no raise for you, either.

Do you think I just sit in my office printing money all day?

Now, with the rear-end smooching out of the way, we can get back to the topic at hand, and, incidentally, my favorite thing to pontificate on: evil, pure and simple. As I've said, this book was written to give you the inside skinny. For those who are looking for a quality life in evil, the information herein might give you an edge on the competition, or, perhaps, help you glean that one gem of knowledge you've been missing in order to climb to the top of the heap. For others, it may just reaffirm what you already know: that you don't have an evil bone in your entire skeletal structure and can finally get on with your miserable existence. Why you even try is beyond me, but that's not my problem.

The chapters are laid out to let you stroll down the path of evil, enjoying the flowers and pretty bushes along the way. It will allow you to check out the side paths to destruction, chaos, and ultimate disorder. At first glance, this educational triumph may look like complete classical gibber with a healthy portion of jabber thrown in, but if you immerse yourself in the principles, you'll have the opportunity for at least a couple of epiphanies. [5]

All right, enough gibber. Let's get to it.

Chapter One

Evil: Is It Really the Life for You?

And

What Can I Get Out of this book?

If you think this is one of those easy how-to guides for simple people who love to shell out cash for anything entertaining, I'm going to be blunt: forget it. Sorry, and no refund, either. I know, you're chuckling to yourself in a superior way, thinking, I'll just take it back to my favorite bookstore and you're out your cash, Mr. Lish. Hah!

In a word, no. I've made a deal with the publisher, which I cannot disclose, as it would compromise the rights of both myself and my clients, but thanks for asking. While your idea has merit and is sort of clever—at least in that you're trying to get some sort of retribution—you don't want to try it. Any attempt to get your money back will cause your skin to boil, followed by an uncontrollable urge to run out to the nearest evangelist and hand over your credit card, yelling, Halleluiah, max it out! [6]

But I digress.

Before we can delve into the finer points of evil and living your life by it, I have to broach a delicate subject not all of you are going to want to hear. However, it is what it is, and the fact is, no matter how many times you read this or how much you rave about the genius of the writing and the sophistication of the humor, or