The Skin I'm Living In

By Robb J.R

They say the best memories are stored in childhood. But imagine what it's like being robbed of it. Imagine being left only with the memories that will remind you of the agony of what happen, to soon discover the one true thing you are becoming and your secret for so many years you kept hidden is about to be exposed. Here is a young boy who experience molestation at only seven years old, a young boy who feared majority of his childhood to never open his mouth to speak of it. To never look back on the terrible tragedy of his past to see that soon his desires are to be met of his true sexuality when it takes over becoming his new identity to a whole new different lifestyle.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9781365851001

Book preview

The Skin I'm Living In

The Skin I’m Living In

CHAPTER 01

THE BEGINNING EFFECTS

MONDAY

AUGUST 21, 1995

PINE BLUFF, ARKANSAS

In my beginning of life, I had no worries. I learned to love God as I was taught to love others just as much was how I was raised by my parents and taught well of my Godmother, Teresa. I was born to a lovely family being the baby of six and the only bloodline child that my father has. Outside of that I had three half-brothers and two sisters born of my mother whom I dearly looked up too without a doubt, they were my guidance to discovering my own future. My mother and father were the best to me, I loved them both unconditionally for being the great parents they could be through hard times of struggle and for just being there raising me the best way they knew how was enough for me.

My family had always been my backbone and I couldn't imagine living in another life without them. They were my role models of life. Though things weren’t always the best between us we all seem to be the perfect family, we were very much so a happy from my part of it but they say you always remember the good things that happen in life just as well as the bad. Behind every person there is and will always be a story waiting to be told…well, here is mine.

Growing up I didn't start to remember much out of my childhood until I reach a point in age to where things started to become disruptive and more complicated as I could remember. Bad luck seemed to have stuck to me like glue and from then I discovered my pain, my struggles, my weakness and my strength, my faith in God and the things I’ve taken for granted that I only can learn from. Understanding life, I realized that everything happens for a reason, whether if it’s for the good and bad we all must learn the values of life and all it has to offer us.

I remember going to school for the first time, Indiana Street School it was. An elementary school for only kindergartens through third graders. I remember my first day of school, I was so excited to wake up that morning that I didn’t get much sleep at all that night. I just knew being around a lot of kids my age would be so much fun like going to Disney World, just without the giant cartoon characters. Okay not quit like that because I never even been to Disney World but the commercial they show on TV made it so interesting and fun. I remember mom was getting my dressed for school that morning, I had on my new outfit and my new shoes smelling like nothing but baby lotion and hair grease. While mom was getting dress, I stood posing in the bathroom mirror checking out my new clothes and shoes being the little big astonishing boy dad said I was.

Now let me tell you about my dad, he had me spoiled with his love and he loved me unconditionally along with the rest of my brothers and sisters whom he never treated different. Mom told me the story how happy he was when I was born, how he cried and prayed to God when she almost lost me. She said the minute he held me in his arms he called me a miracle baby and how she had to get two shots in her buttocks just to save my life. 

Mom is you done yet? I said knocking on her door until she opened it.

Go get your book bag and wait for me at the door she said yet rushing to get dressed. I ran to the room excitedly grabbing hold of my heavy backpack, waiting patiently at the door like she had told me. On the way going out the door mom saw me struggling with keeping my balance nearly tipping over each time I took a step.

Come here, what’s in that bookbag!? she squatted down two feet in front of me. Nothing but my books I wobbled to her. She grabbed the backpack sliding it off my shoulders and unzipped it to see what all I had in it.

Baby, you gone break your back you don’t need them all…just carry one or two she said laughing and removing the books from my bag.

But mom I said whining I need all of them for school.

They have books for you at school already boy now stop that whining she said taking away most of the books leaving just one. I didn’t say another word my lips were sealed shut but only if you could’ve saw the look on my face, all I could do was pout. I pouted all the way to school, my mind still was focused on having those books in my bag. By that time, we made it to the school house and my whole expression had changed. I saw more kids than I expected, I remember becoming scared to have seen so many. As soon as we got out the car I grabbed a hold of Mom’s hand before she can even reach out for mines and I was not letting go.

What’s wrong baby? she said looking down at me. I didn’t say anything I was too busy astounded looking around and walking pass all the different kids with their parents.

Mom walked me all the way to my classroom to meet with my teacher first thing. Soon as we walked in I saw kids running around screaming everywhere, three of them were sitting at the table crying for their momma as the teacher was trying to comfort them that everything was going to be okay. Then she saw me and Mom standing at the door.

Hi, my name is Ms. Taylor she said shaking Mom hand. Ms. Taylor looked very weird, her hair was fluffier than a pillow and her cheeks were very red from the makeup she had on. I’ve always been afraid of clowns and figuratively she looked closely to one, her smile made it even worse with the features of the hair and makeup all together. I was frightened, I wrapped my arms around Mom leg and held it tight as I could. Mom kind of laughed at me, she knew I was afraid from the minute Mrs. Taylor said something to me gripping her legs.

Robert let go she said trying to pull me away.

Mom I wanna go home I said looking up at her with a sorrow face.

Aww you don’t want to stay with me Ms. Taylor said easing down beside me. We going to have lots of fun she said having the biggest smile I will never forget. I turned my head away and told her flat-out no. She tried sweet talking me off mom leg to go join and play with the other kids but I still had still refused.

I don’t know how many times I had to do this all morning Ms. Taylor said looking up at my mother Im going to release his arms from around your legs and then you may go.

I held to Mom legs even tighter as tight as I could, Mrs. Taylor must have thought I didn’t hear a word she said. She gripped my arms and forced them from around Mom leg when I saw my arms coming apart I started crying.

Mom ran out the door as fast as she could I chase behind her trying to push the big steel door open but I couldn’t. I fell to the floor and started crying as the other kids stop what they were doing to watch me act out yelling out to mom.

Momma, momma I screamed out repeatedly. There I was sitting at the table with the other cry babies who were in the same situation.

Throughout that first week I cried every time when mom had dropped me off until I had finally realized that no matter how much I cried I just had to be here. I started to fit in and play with the other kids and I became used to my teacher with her fluffy hair and her makeup. I learned to like clown’s I wasn't afraid of them anymore all thanks to Ms. Taylor.

Being in Kindergarten, the only thing I hated was taking naps. Ms. Taylor half the time would be sleeping on her desk snoring away keeping the rest of us from going to sleep. I think nap time was her whole idea of getting rest herself.

As soon as she dosed off many of us would be up playing with toys in the dark just sneaking around getting into everything. I knew one day soon she will eventually realize what we have been doing while she was asleep from the entire racket.

Dalphani, one of my playmates and I were caught one day when Ms. Taylor had woken up a little earlier than usual.

What are you two doing up when everyone is asleep, she whispered standing over the both of us.

At lunch Dalphani and I found ourselves sitting on the bench for two days outside while watching the others kids play. Dalphani and I set on the bench more than often together just the two of us because we never seemed to like naps we became close friends. Dalphani was much bigger than I was though she looked as though she could’ve been in third grade. Other second and third grade kids made fun of her just because of her size, but that didn’t change the way I thought of her. As much as we stayed on the bench she was the closest thing to a friend all around she was just a sweet person. I hated that people teased her but what was I to do besides tell someone so I could be picked on next.

One day we were sitting on the bench and two of these third-grade boys came bothering Dalphani, they had no business being outside.

Hey fat girl, one of the boys had said to her. I immediately stood up and told him to leave her alone are I was going to tell, yup the little snitch I was going to be.

Sit down snitching punk one guy said pushing me down barely tapping my head against the classroom window. As I fell back landing on my bottom I held my head looking around hopefully a teacher had saw what had just happened but no one was in sight, not even Ms. Taylor who was supposed to be looking out for us in the first place. She had already told us not to get off the bench for any reason at all.

Fat girl…fat girl…fat girl, they both continued calling her out her name. Dalphani looked at me like she wanted me to say something, she looked like she wanted to cry but she still didn’t bother to say anything.

I guess the guys thought that making fun of her wasn’t so fun anymore so they both begin kicking her and yet insist on calling her fat. 

Ouch! Ouch! she screamed over and over each time she felt a strike toward her upper thigh. Stop it im telling, she cried out. Tears started coming

down her face as she looked at me expecting me to say or do something.

Leave her alone or im going to go tell! I stood up again shouting then I immediately took off running not waiting to find myself being kicked on or my head going through the window this time. I ran as fast as I could constantly make sure no one was chasing after me. One started running but I was already so far ahead for him to even come close to capturing me. Ms. Taylor had saw me running toward her from around the building screaming her name beside the point it just still didn’t do any good.

What are you doing off that bench young man, she said pointing her finger in the direction I just ran from. I tried breathing and talking at the same time but my words didn’t come out completely.

Two…third…grade…boys, I started breathing heavily That’s non-sense, she said cutting me off before I could finish my sentence.

There are no third graders on this play ground now go back to the bench I do not want to hear it, still pointing her finger the opposite direction. I kept trying to explain myself every time I tried she cut me off saying she didn’t wanted to hear it, Go back to the bench and settled your punishment for the remaining of the recess.

I walked slowly back around the building with a sad face nearly wanting to cry because she didn’t believe me. I was a little upset I ran this far for help to see as though she thought I was making this all up, but more afraid to see what was waiting for me just around the corner. I glanced around the corner slowly hoping that one of them didn’t punch me in the face knowing if they had already saw me coming back alone. Dalphani was still sitting down with tears in her eyes I told her

I tried to tell Ms. Taylor but she just told me to go back to the bench. I told Dalphani that maybe if she tried to tell her that she would believe me, but Dalphani was more scared to go tell.

They said if I tell they would beat me up, she said crying even harder. I told her don’t cry besides what was I to do if my own teacher didn’t believe me.

Following the next day at school, during nap time Dalphani and I made it our business to be sleep even if we had to just lay there with our eyes close. I started to see those two guys more often every day but not once again during recess. I was assured we probably even rode the same bus but I always set in the front closer to the bus driver with my head always down trying not to look at the disrupted one’s way in the back. I was one of the first ones to get off the bus when we arrived at school going into the cafeteria first thing to eat breakfast. I always saw them around this time in the morning just as I did when it was time to go home. I made sure I stayed completely out of sight of them hoping even if they did see me they wouldn’t remember my face.

During recess Dalphani and I stayed close to Ms. Taylor everyday each time she moved we moved not letting her out of our sight, we just couldn’t take the risk. Gladly to know this wouldn't last too long knowing they would eventually have to attend another school that consist of fourth graders. I couldn’t wait to the school year was done so all this tragedy of being fearful could come to an end and my luck never ran dry.

A year and a half later I no longer saw Dalphani at school anymore. I remember sometime in first grade she said that she would be moving with her dad somewhere in another state, but I wasn’t so sure. Me personally, I was still at the

same school just now in the second grade and I can say a lot have changed about me since kindergarten. I started to love school I had more friends and was more well-rounded not carefully knowing the person I was becoming or already became, the class clown. My third-grade teacher name was Mrs. Fort. She was an older lady with lots of little moles on her face and she wore these great big glasses saying she can see into our futures, I knew better than to believe that. Mrs. Fort I can say she didn’t like me very much, I was the stir of the group that caused the class to become so disrupted. The closer the end of the school year I had gotten worse at what I was doing it was always something I felt I had to do. Many times, the teacher across the hall pulled me out of class and spank me on my bottom in the hallway, not sure if it was legal for her to do so. I looked at her like she was out of her mind but she told me it was either that or to the principal’s office.

Our principle, Mrs. Grant I heard she was a hand full and nothing to play with. She always carried this thick glass paddle like it was legally attached to her hand. I would always see her in the hallways whenever we go to lunch standing there with her glasses on the tip of her nose ready to spank a bottom. Many parents had given her permission whipped their kids, but mine didn’t up until she did. Just on that day Mrs. Fort was standing at the classroom door with her hands on her hips when the other kids and I walked in class.

Come in be quiet and take your seat she said looking directly at me. I smiled walking into class going directly to my seat but not just sitting in it. She continued to watch me as I sat on my desk placing my feet in the chair facing the opposite direction from the class. With no hesitation, she came dashing toward me like a mad bull pushing away desk and chairs. I said take a seat not a desk, she yelled out."

I jump off the desk running around the classroom as she continued trying to capture me. The whole class just laughed and stood against the wall away from every direction they saw her coming because she was very upset. Come and take your seat now, she demands me again pointing at my chair.

"You take your seat, I smiled pointing to her chair. She took a deep breath, walked up to the front of the class writing my name on the board placing a check beside it. I shrug my shoulders and she put another check by my name. I shrug my shoulders a second time and then again, a third. Suddenly, a knock on the door and walked in was Mrs. Grant looking directly my way. My heart started to pound when I saw her and even faster when I saw the glass paddle yet attached to her hand.

Hey, you come here right now! she said pointing her glass paddle at me. I couldn’t barely swallow I was so scared.

Who me? I pointed to myself, looking back as though she could be talking to someone else.

Yes, you little boy don’t look so surprised like you don’t know who im talking too she said as I took my time slowly walking towards her from the other side of the room. What is your name child? she asked quenching her eyes.

Robert I answered.

And how old are you Robert? she then asked in a higher tone.

Im seven I fearfully answered.

I thought so, get your things and go to the office at once she demanded pointing out the door. I grabbed my books, dragging to and out the door moving like a turtle so scared of what was about to happen. I didn’t turn to look at the class

expression nor turn to see the look on Mrs. Fort face of the relief she was feeling behind this, all I could think about was the trouble I was in. I could only see Mom being upset telling Dad and him letting the belt do majority of the talking.

When I made it to the office, I sat down in a chair waiting on Mrs. Grant to punish me with your pride. Then again, she didn’t have that permission from Mom to do so I went to smiling thinking that was my way out of her world of troubles. In a matter of time, Mrs. Grant walked in handing the secretary a piece of paper.

In my office she escorted me in. I followed going into her office where I sat. She looked at me and said Stand up.

It was weird that she asked me to stand, I was thinking she was getting ready to paddle me without the permission she hadn’t yet been granted.

You don’t have the right to sit unless being told otherwise. In class, you were asked to be seated and you did not so I recommend you stand she said taking her seat behind the desk.

I stood there for the time being observing her office and I noticed the many trophies and certificates hanging all over the place. About four of them on her desk acknowledging little league best softball coach, im sure that’s where the strength of the arms was build.

A knock on the door interrupted, it was the secretary walking in giving Mrs. Grant a piece of small yellow notebook paper. Mrs. Grant immediately picks up the phone, she begins dialing as I knew then she was probably calling Mom. She put the phone on speaker as it ranged and ranged with no answer, I was hoping mom didn’t pick up but im sure she would. Mom didn’t miss any calls because even if she did she will call right back.

Hello the sound of Mom’s voice spoken into the speaker. Mrs. Grant

picked up the phone quickly held it to her shoulders and told me to step out and close the door. I walked out closing the door sitting to the closest seat. I can hear mom and her conversation, but I couldn’t much catch everything that was being said. I heard Mrs. Grant saying something about discipline and something about a conference. The secretary watches me as she saw my head tilting closer and closer toward the door.

Move two seats down please she stood to her feet with her hands on her hips. I got up moving two seats down the moment I sat I rolled my eyes looking up at the ceiling. She shook her head while sitting down I heard her mumbling under her breath about being rude. The door open and Mrs. Grant had called me back in. When I walked in I saw that one of her chairs had been turned the opposite way and the glass paddle was lying across her desk.

Close the door behind you stand here and bend she said. I was in a fearing moment because I noticed it wasn’t there before and now that it was that mom had given her permission. I stood in front of the stair where she had told me too bending my back leaning on to the arms of the chair. I stood to look up at the wall and tears had already start falling from my eyes before I could even feel what was about to happen. I continued looking back just to be expecting the blows as they come before she even got started, I wanted a on your mark get set go.

The moment that paddle touch my butt I felt nothing but pure pain of steel as both hands gripped tightly to the chair. The second hit was emotional, it brought tears to my eyes as I clinched my teeth straining from the pain. The third hit was more deadly, I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs but I held it in forcefully until it all boiled over. I burst out in tears, the pain that I was feeling I was so madly that I wanted to snatch that paddle and give her a whack or two to see how she likes it.

I couldn’t stop rubbing my buttock, then she handed me some tissue.

Now go back to class with the mindset of a learning student she said dismissing me.

I soaked my tears in the tissue she had given me before leaving out. I had to stay strong, I couldn’t afford for anyone to see me crying like a big baby. I was very upset, I wanted to cry a little more but I fought back the tears. I could still feel the stinging of the paddle every time I took a step, I don’t even think Dad’s butt whippings hurt’d twice as bad. When I made it back to class, the whole class itself, including Mrs. Fort stopped what they were doing just to face me. I came in dragging to my seat taking my time, slowly easing down in my chair trying not to attract all the attention making it noticeable that I had a taste of the glass paddle. Talk about a numbed butt. Mrs. Fort went on with teaching I laid my head across my desk wishing I was somewhere else other than sitting here. As she kept talking, the sound of her voice and the footsteps of her heals begin creeping closer and closer as I felt her standing right beside my desk.

Feel free to participate with the rest of the class or feel free to retrace your footsteps back to the principal’s office, Mr. white she said tapping me on my desk. I took a deep breath trying to maintain being calm, I didn’t want to be bothered neither did I plan to participate but there was no way I was going back to Mrs. Grant office other than to say hi and bye to that lady.

Mrs. Fort handed me a book telling me the page and where to start reading out loud, so much for getting on her nerves now she was just beginning to get on mines. Even if I didn’t raise my hand, I know I will be the first to every problem being solved just as much as reading.

When I made it home Dad wasn’t around, Im guessing he was still at work. I

was assuring that Mom had already called him and told him about what happened with me at school today. It was just a matter of time before he had come home to give my bottom more pain.

Robert is that you? she yelled soon as she heard the front door open.

Yes mam, I yelled back in a more fearful tone. I went straight to my room trying not to be seen.

Come here, she said yelling again from the kitchen.

Where are you? I said trying to play as though I didn’t know.

She yelled back, don’t play with me boy this isn’t a mansion!

Of course, I already knew where she was I just didn’t wanna see the look on her face when she already known about what happen at school today. I took my precious time coming into the kitchen like a snail at it fastest speed.

What’s taking you so long to meet my face? she sounded upset. I walked in with my head lowered down trying not to give any direct eye contact. 

Yes mam I spoke softly.

Don’t yes mam me when you already know what I want, don’t you? she said putting her hands on her hips. I nodded my head in telling her yes.

Now you know better than to be acting a damn fool at school she continued, I was going to tell your dad but I think that paddle was enough now next time you’re going to be having this conversation with him and not me.

I nodded agreeing to everything she said thereafter. I left out the kitchen having the biggest smile on my face, man if she would’ve told Dad he probably would’ve whipped me like a runaway slave, he simply hated hearing about anything I do that relates to trouble.

From then the point was proven to do well in school I went with a new

attitude for the remaining of the school year I no longer was a suspect of visiting Mrs. Grant office for any reason. My grades had gotten so much better now that I took the time to listen I even became one of the most improved student out my class. Mrs. Fort even told me how proud of me she was and it felt great just to hear her say it after only thinking that she would make it so much harder for me after treating her the way I did.

School was officially out and summer was just beginning. It felt good waking up every morning without being woken up and dragging off to school. I was ready for whatever this summer was going to bring. The skating ring was the most popular place to go on weekends. It was like being a grown up and going to the club, in other words that was our little club.  Every person you saw at your school was there it was more popular than just going to the mall. Our best friends were Rochelle and Keyshawn we called him Shawn for short though. Shawn and I were like best friends, we hung around almost every day getting into everything we could think of. He was a year older than I was so I looked up to him like another big brother. His mom and my mom were good friends and neighbors at the time so that’s how we eventually became cool. Shawn and Rochelle had another older brother and another sister named Latonya. I had my reasons that Latonya didn’t like me at all she always looked at me funny and shake her head whenever I spoke to her.  Every time I came over and ask for Shawn she would always say he was never home or just close the door in my face like I was never standing there. I told Shawn about it he told his mom of course so ever since then it seemed she disliked me even more. We would always just go walking the streets sometimes when we get too bored. Mom didn’t care where I went if I was around my sisters and not

getting into any trouble. In speaking of trouble, it was this old man that lived down the street from us who had a whole lot of cats. Whenever we would go walking we see him outside feeding the cats so we would just stop by the fence to watch him. He would always be having these conversations with himself, and when he turned to see that we were standing by the fence he would come toward us trying to make us eat cat food from a spoon. We would just take off running laughing about it and every time we would get bored that’s something we’ll do. This one time he came after us on his bike calling us bad nigger kids he still didn’t manage to catch us but he did call the police who cared to talk to our parents. Mom was pissed and Dad let’s just say his belt did the talking, that belt was his reasons for a lot of talking. My punishment continued with two weeks of being grounded which I thought was the worst thing could happen to me no child likes to be bored. In speaking of punishments Latoya had one planned for me of her very own, one that had almost cost me my life. 

One evening, Shawn and I were outside playing basketball. Rochelle, Shay, and Ann had gone with his mom to the store. Latonya was calling him inside to clean up his room and told me I was to await outside. Minutes later Latonya stood in the back-door way.

Can you come in and help me with something? she said asking nicely.

Help you with something I thought to myself. I was surprised that she was even talking to me along asking me to do something for her when all the other times it was like she couldn’t even stand my guts. I didn’t think much on it I was only eight and I wanted to become sociable with my friend’s sister however, I just went to see whatever it was she needed me to do. When I walked in through the back-door I was standing in the kitchen looking for Shawn to be helping as well.

Where is Shawn? I said looking around. She had said that he was still cleaning his room and that he couldn’t come out until he was finish then she told me to follow her and I did. Going into her bedroom where she wanted me to help her move a dresser I wasn’t even for sure I could even move.

Come help me move this closer to the wall she said standing on the other side.

When my hands reached out to touch the dresser she ran to the door quickly shutting and locking it to keep whatever it was from coming in. I stared confusedly but my lips said nothing. She started grinning like the Grinch that stole Christmas with a big smile the look of evil. I was scared either way so I ran to the door not sure what to be fearful of or about. I was trying to get out when she pushed me knocking me down to the floor.

Why did you do that? I yelled at her. I didn’t know what to think of this, what was going on or what was about to happen to me until I heard her say Get his ass.

I gazed around the room quick and fearful, looking in every direction wondering who else was there then suddenly there it was. Before my eyes two guys’ who were also their kin older cousins came rushing out of the closet driven toward me like hungry dogs as I tried to make a run for it, Latonya pushed me again this time falling into both their arms as they pick me up slamming me onto the bed. At first, I thought it was all jokes until I realize how aggressively they were becoming. The look on their faces showed how much they were out to hurt me. I was beyond all means of scared as I kicked and screamed yelling for help from the top of my lungs so scared what was only going to happen if I didn’t scream any louder.

With all the strength in me I tried to fight to get up but a slap after another

strike my face then the taste of my own blood from the punches that came along with it. I continue screaming hoping any minute now they realized what they have done and or at least that someone had heard me before it was all too late, but the situation had only gotten worse.

They taped my mouth shut, tied both my arms to my legs using the belt I had on and started beating my body like a punching bag like I wasn’t even human at all.

I felt every blow to every part of my body, hit after hit, after hit after another causing me to spit up blood. A pillow was put over my face to cease the yelling