The Grump's Dictionary

By Edwin Newman

This book is a comment on the entry "Looking Glass" of Ambrose Bierce's "Devil's Dictionary. This entry is a monument of description of the Human Endeavor.
This book id about Doubting. Doubting is a normal mental function, yet we are far from understanding this function in our culture. Why get emotional about these doubts? Is it possible to be impartial? These emotions are quite unneeded for the most part yet they have become the leading industry of our "intelligentsia". A rereading of Kant's Critique of Judgement is in order. It is a very good description of how we form our opinions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 15, 2017
• ISBN: 9781387167012

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The Grump's Dictionary

THE  GRUMP’S  DICTIONARY

Copyright 2017 by Edwin Newman

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

First Printing 2017.ISBN  978-1-387-16701-2

Dedicated to the Grumpy Majority of Americans.

Preface.

This book is a comment on the entry Looking Glass of The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. This entry is a monument of description of the Human Endeavor. He died in 1914, before the World Wars which he would no doubt have had a lot to say about.

He flourished at the turn of the twentieth century , a time more innocent in terms of doubting the fundamental premises of our culture. We are more jaded about our doubting today. Doubting is a normal mental function yet we are far from being able to understanding this function, Why get emotional about these doubts?  It’s quite unneeded, yet it has become the leading industry among the intelligentsia. A rereading of Kant’s Critique of Judgement is in order. It is a very good description about how we form opinions.

Chapter 1:A

A. (connective) 1. One of a group.1. Someone or something not outstanding. 3. An excellent grade according to the schoolteachers; they reward learning rubbish well.

Adam's Apple (noun) A lump in the front of the throat. Placed there by God so the rope doesn't slip. A stretchable apple.

"His neck they did stretch,

The poor wretch,

Then the cart they did fetch".- Joseph Bletch, Warden.

Adult (noun) Grown up. Ready to cause maximim damage. From the Old English:

A dolt.

Exult! I'm an adult!- Sadaam Hussein.

"Oh, the tumult,

when I am an adult."- Any Teenager.

Advertising (noun)  A public description of something. An economic system that purposely stratifies the bonds between people using colors ,shapes and musical talking. This hypnotizes people so as to weaken their resistance to being sold something. See also Politics.

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Another type of example: Mary fell off the top of the building and advertised her predicament by screaming.

Aesthetician (noun) One who thinks something a man- made is more beautiful than anything God made.

"On viewing Mount Fuji she did say:

‘It’s like a fudge sundae. It takes my breath away.’"-An American Tourist.

African-Americans (noun) A group of Americans who look just like White Americans when both are flipped inside out. This Road To Equality has not been explored.

After (conj.) In time: worse. In space: Less visible, fortunately.

Aim (noun) Goal. 1.Something to be attained, followed by a descent into emptiness.

2. Being aimless in all possible ways but one.

"Aim, aim, go away;

Come again some other day;

Little Johnny wants to play;

And if he should have to work before the end of playtime;

Let it not be before the end of May time."- Little Johnny, April 6, 1947.

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The aim in Life is to make a lot of money so one’s loved children can waste it in idle pleasure.- The American Ideal by Dr. Jennifer Aniston, v. 1 of 6. Ch. 1 What’s it all about, Uncle Fred?

Air conditioning (noun) The means to adjust air temperature.

In ancient Sumeria the kings built their palaces with extremely thick walls. In hot weather the king occupied the central room where the temperature was coolest. In cooler weather the king occupied rooms nearer the periphery of his palace’s interior. Air conditioning companies have suppressed this knowledge, but for this—

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Before air conditioning machines, in order to get to sleep on a hot night, people would soak their bed sheets in water to sleep cooly and cheaply. This is more suppressed knowledge.

Alcohol (noun) Liquid. Used by people when dreams are not enough, or too much to bear.

"Alcohol makes me tight;

And puts me in the right.

I sleep all night;

But in the morning the hangover hits with all its might. – W.C. Fields, test subject in Alcoholism Today" v.612, issue 3, p. 34.

All (adj.)  Entire. As in What’s it all about?, expecting a few words to cover everything.

Alliteration (noun) A word that sounds like its action, like Whiz-bang, a type of German artillery shell in World War I.

Allow (verb) Let, as when a dieter allows himself to eat an apple pie. This gives him the illusion of free will and choice. After consuming the apple pie the dieter then allows himself to fall into a diabetic coma.

"Apple pie, apple pie;

Made by I;

It will make you diabetic;

But I am not apologetic;

I want to be the healthiest person;

So on everyone else my curse is on."- Aunt Mae, health nut and ruthless savage.

Amazon (noun) 1. A mail order house that uses the Internet for sales. 2. Large river. One is full of artificial stuff, the other is full of artificial stuff.3. Amazon also refers to a type of woman who is physically strong. One can envision a physically strong woman coasting down the Amazon River delivering goods sold by Amazon. Your lexicographer hopes she will get married soon.

Amiable (noun) A quality found in suckers. Even Jesus Christ advised his disciples to be wise as serpents- meaning to put on an amiable front, but not back.

Amish. (noun)A group of people who sell Americana made by Amish people in shops, although apparently there is a large colony of Amish people in China.

Ancestor (noun) Someone who is saner than oneself.

"Aunt Hester

Was my ancestor.

She could square a circle:

So she was burned as a witch.

Her accuser was Preacher Merkle;

He hunted her to the last ditch".- The Descent Of Mathematics by Dr. Taylor Swift. P. 235.

Ancestry (noun) The science of showing us in what way we are faulty.

And (conj.) Word used by someone who didn't get it right the first time.

--And,and,and,and,and,and-- George Bernard Blunderbus, Jan. 19,1946.

Anemia (noun) Blood disorder making one too tired to act stupidly.

Anger (noun) What Fatso feels when a lemon merengue pie escapes.

"Don’t get sore;

Eat some more."- Fatty! by Fatso Monahan. p.46.

Angry (adj.) Forceful and emotional.

Fatso became angry at the banana cream pie and ate it up.- Recruiting Brochure for the Banana Cream Pie Liberation Front, 1941.

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The surest way to make someone angry is to separate them from their fun.- The Unknown Socrates by Plato Schmidlap,v.3, p.124. Published in Berlin, 1496 A.D.

Annointing The Sick (noun) A sacred rite . In its modern form it means to bless the broke drug addict by his drug dealer. This form of the sacrament has yet to be tried.

Answer (noun)

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies- Aristotle Johnson, Greek aircraft designer, 351 B.C.

The answers make us wise, but the questions make us human.-A.J. Lerner, 1965.

No, sonny, the questions make us human all right, but the answers make us stupid. But this is a common misconception: that the more answers one has the wiser he is. That’s my answer.

Antique (noun) Officially, anything or anybody over fifty years old. Your lexicographer has been trying to sell his glass of water, whose contents are many billions of years old, but no takers yet.

Apple (noun) A fruit.  An apple a day keeps the Doctor away;  an apple pie a day keeps the beauty contest judge away.- Julia Roberts.

April Fool's Day-(nouns) A day when everybody gets to prove everybody else is a fool, both fool and foolee.

Is there a school for April Fools? No doubt it is in Heaven. The graduate gets to be born.- Jack Scratch.

Archaeology (noun) Digging up old stuff.

When space beings open a time capsule a million years from now and run movies of our time they will explode.-Criswell Predicts!

Archaic (adj.) Very old. Antediluvian. The word nowadays is used by fashion designers and new car salesmen.

Aristocracy (noun) Rule by the best; that is, by Martians.

"Ah, to be on Mars,

Among the stars"- Barack Obama, President of the World.

Arms (noun) Upper body appendages made more useful by holding guns and other weapons, which are called arms. Shovels are not called arms .

‘ Look, Mom and Dad. I’m holding a shovel and am ready to install your fence.’ said the eager boy. The parents, who had hired an automatic fence installer, just rolled their eyes’- Modern Parenting article  entitled Physical Work Is Disgusting by Nancy Pelosi, p. 24, May 6,2010.

Army (noun). An organization that kills a lot of people and then throws a party afterwards.

Art (noun) A covering up over Nature.

Art is Great! If people saw Reality they might get Religion.-Jack Scratch.

Aspirin (noun) Headache medicine. What God took on the eighth day of Creation.

Astronomy (noun) The science of the Heavens.

In the Book of Genesis we read the Universe is divided into the Upper and Lower Waters, with Heaven (where God resides) in the middle. The Upper Waters is a concept not further explained nor even mentioned again. What has survived is the perception and opinion that the starry universe is cute.- Science And The Bible by Madonna, v.1 p.35. 

Atheist (noun) 1.One who doesn't believe in God’s existence. He believes in a god, though. No word on whether God believes in him. He may deny God's existence, but he better be right.

’God is ice cream’ said one. ‘God is my country’ said the second’. ‘God is my car’ said the third. And so it went on through the night. By morning they were saying ‘Your God is ice cream’, Your God is my country and ‘Your God is my car.’ That’s when the fun began.  -How Wars Start by Joe Doaks, the guy in the middle.

2. One who doesn’t believe in God’s goodness. If God is evil or indifferent, why be good? say some.

I believe I am good! God told me:’ Succeed where I failed!’ And I have!- Sadaam Hussein.

Attorney (noun) 1.A neatly tailored officer of the court.

There is a fence between Heaven and Hell. The devils noted that the angels kept moving the fence in Heaven’s favor. The devils complained to Satan, but Satan merely replied, Never mind. I’ll take care of it. We have all the attorneys, you know.

2. Another name for a lawyer. Used by those trying to escape the reputation of being called a lawyer. It doesn’t work.

Art (noun) The depiction of the spirit , sometimes on canvas, using paint. No one is horrified at this definition.

An example of excellent art is a painting of two polar bears fighting over a white rabbit in a snowstorm by Leonardo Da Vinci (1500). Many copies of this painting can be found in stationery stores.-Stationery Today, May 5, 2016, p. 32.

Asleep (noun) Successful. This definition is good both physically and psychologically.

Assemble (verb) Put together. Men are very good at putting together words and images to form dreams. Large assembly factories exist on Wall Street and Madison Avenue in New York and Washington D.C. Smaller factories exist throughout our great nation . Dreams are America’s chief export for better or worse.

Attract (verb) Magnetic action between people and fantasy.

Auld Lang Syne (song) Scottish tune which provided the music to the Republic of Korea’s national anthem before 1948. Cheap, but effective.

Autobiography (noun) A story of one’s own life- usually written by a dullard. Some have a snappy title such as My Colon Is Powerful by Oswald Brunch. Of couse such titles are also suitable for horror or adventure stories.

Awful (adj.) Popular among the in crowd. Cool.

Awsome (adj.)  Foreigner's appetite for American fantasy.

Azure (adj.) A shade of blue.

He fell off a cliff beneath azure skies wearing his azure shirt and azure pants, the air around him turned azure with his protestations. –I Look Good In Blue by Jennifer Aniston, ch.2,My Boyfriends.

CHAPTER 2: B.

B. (The second letter)

"The bee-bopping bee;

Stung me.

It’s me he stung,

Right on the tongue;

So my song will remain unsung.

(But I’m still young)-  My Brilliant Career" by Beyonce Knowles

Bad (adj.)1. What people have a long memory for. 2. Half the Truth. 3. Referring to one who doesn’t understand that God helps those who help themselves.

Bag (noun) Skin.What encloses our bodies, but God left some holes in it. As in old bag. Young bag is also appropriate. See the entry Skin.

Baptism (noun) 1.An introduction to a better life. Although a soldier's baptism of fire is no fun. 1a. When one shoots up heroin for the first time.

Bar (noun) A place that bars one from being sober. A bar to sobriety. Interestingly, lawyers practice their trade at the bar.

Barbaric (adj.) 1.A description of the World of Fashion. 1a. A description of the Past.

Those socks are so yesterday- Penelope Penelope, Fashion Maven, April 9, 1924.

Those socks are so yesterday-  Blunderbuss! ,Fashion Critic, March 9, 2017.

Those socks are so yesterday- Jane LaLanne, Fashion Critic, August 2, 2156.

2. The table manners of scorpions. They throw up stomach acid on their prey and then slurp up their dinner.

Bargain (noun) Good Value. A bargain basement people begets a bargain basement government-Julio de Braganza, 1588, commenting on the recent defeat of the Spanish Armada. He was hanged.

"I bought a politician,

It was my mission,

The bargain we did seal,

Now for me he will squeal."-Sidney Rockeyfeller, entrepreneur.

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Instead of paying $10. For a cherry pie the price is $9.98. This is called a bargain as people only look at the dollars, not the cents. - The Smart Shopper, May, 1901 ed. (No copies sold).

Barn (noun) In rural areas, a large building on a farm. In cities, called a mansion.

Barrier (noun) Wall. The barrier between a man and foolish behavior is—uh,--uh--.

The barrier between men and the truth is Certainty!  Fer sure!- Polybius Theophrastus,  overheard while he was taking a shower, 126 A.D.

Baseball (noun) A type of ballgame. From the Spanish Besebol.

A metaphor for life when the most the clear eyed can do is to run around in circles.  Peculiarly, many of them think they are running in a straight line in their lives.- Life; Whazzat?- by Sammy Sosa, home run hitter, p. 392.

Bathos (noun) Excessive sentimentality ending in complete inertia.

Bathroom (noun) Where a toilet is.

God went to the bathroom and out came the Universe.- The Devil’s Bible.

Batman (noun) Famous comic book character and star of several films.  The word rhymes with Ratman, Bratman, and other less well known characters.

Battery (noun) A means of storing electricity. It powers  cars and tools, making the system efficiency worse. No one cares since these cars and tools are more convenient to use.

Beaten (noun) On the road to understanding the human condition.

Beauty (noun) Harmonious in appearance.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder;

So what