Every normal, well-brought-up child knows what the true meaning of Christmas is: toys! But not every abnormal, poorly-raised adult would agree, preferring to think the season is actually meant to revolve around Jesus Christ in some obscure fashion. During the infamous ‘Satanic Panic’ of the 1980s and early 1990s, when hysteria about underground Devil-worship cults and subliminal anti-Christian messages spread among evangelical groups in the USA, some felt demons were even lurking within Santa’s big sack of fun. Disguised as cheap plastic versions of the Transformers, Thundercats, Care Bears, My Little Ponies and Real Ghostbusters, such vile entities as Baphomet, Chorizon, Pac-Man and Baal were just waiting to convert their new, unwitting and underage worshippers to atheism, humanism, occultism, communism, drug abuse, transgenderism and rampant homosexuality.
TRANSFORMERS: DEMONS IN DISGUISE
America’s leading Toy-Finder General was Pastor Phil Phillips, author of such well-meaning but deeply misguided books as Turmoil in the Toybox (1986), Saturday Morning Mind-Control (1991) and Dinosaurs: The Bible, Barney and Beyond (1994), all of which sold by the thousands in Christian bookstores. These texts combined to unmask a sinister global plot led by LSD-addled 1960s acid-casualties to corrupt innocent children’s souls via the medium of harmless-looking toys, cartoons, films and the money-spinning dino-mania of the Jurassic Park period. His VHS tape, Deception of a Genera tion, saw Phillips – looking very like a young Donald Trump – team up with fellow Biblebasher Gary Greenwald to lecture parents in hitherto-unknown truths about their children’s favourite characters. For example, it transpired the Smurfs were in fact undead zombies, hence their very blue skin, who lived in an all-male homosexual commune, whose single ‘female’ resident, Smurfette, was actually no more than a compliant transvestite.
Today, his battle with Papa Smurf long-since lost, Pastor Phillips has moved on to penning child-psychology books and running a Texas-based ‘Miracle Families’ Ministry with his wife Cynthia. The Phillips’s ‘Miracle Parenting’ course aims to allow good Christian folk to raise their kids the right and godly way, free of the degrading slavery of Smurfdom. Under the influence of nefarious pervert Sigmund Freud, the once celebrated Dr Benjamin Spock, author of the mega-selling , had foolishly advised the world’s parents to raise their children in far too lenient and permissive a fashion, promoting “instant gratification and deviance” and accidentally spawning the 1960s generation of “draft-dodging, free-loving hippies” who by the 1980s had gone on to run global toy-firms like Mattel, Toys R Us and Nintendo. Shortly before his death, the highly illogical Dr Spock had apologised for “messing up millions of children” with his textbook; but
