Geeks, Babes and Sentient Vegetables: Volume 1: In the Year 1984 1999 2000 2001 2005 20XX

By Andrew Mitchell

For those people who loved Star Wars, Star Trek and science fiction in general but don’t take them too seriously. Every science fiction trope and cliché expertly mashed into one tale about a guy, his cat, his secret agent alien dancing girl and a talking 7 foot tall avocado. In the finest traditions of everything that was wrong with Star Wars, Star Trek, Aliens, Transformers and many more movies, television shows and video games all crammed into the day to day adventures of Will Campbell, average minimum wage employee at a miniature golf course. An epic quest across the galaxy filled unreasonable amounts of violence from highly impractical weapons and vague references to every science fiction masterpiece that came before it. Plus some really obscure ones and some no one has heard of before.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jun 7, 2012
• ISBN: 9781105843426

Andrew Mitchell

Andrew Mitchell obtained his D Phil and a DSc from Oxford and has had an international career in geology. From the early 1960’s to the late 1980’s he was an exploration geologist for the then British Service in Vanu Atu, and in Thailand, Myanmar, Nepal, and the Philippines on Colombo Plan and UN projects. After consulting for various minerals companies in Eastern European and Asian countries from 1990 to 1995, he joined Ivanhoe Myanmar and until 2011 was based in Myanmar responsible for the company’s minerals exploration. He has spent more than half of his career in Myanmar and is familiar with the country’s world-class mineral deposits. He has authored or co-authored about 100 papers on tectonics and mineralization. His first book Mineral Deposits and Global Tectonic Settings (Academic Press, 1981) was followed by Epithermal Gold in the Philippines (Academic Press, 1991).

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Geeks, Babes and Sentient Vegetables: Volume 1: In the Year 1984 1999 2000 2001 2005 20XX

Geeks, Babes and Sentient Vegetables: Volume 1: In The Year 1984 1999 2000 2001 2005 20XX

by

Andrew Mitchell

Copyright © 2012 by Andrew Mitchell and Boom Shadow Productions

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchase

ISBN: 978-1-105-84342-6

Cover Artist: Heidi Sutherlin

Boom Shadow Productions

0403 595 229

[e-mail]

Dedicated to

Warburton

Prologue

The sensation of being dragged by one’s ankles across a cold metal floor was a new experience for William Campbell. The speed at which he was travelling was certainly less than comfortable, however given the fact that the individual dragging him, whom he would later come to know as Avea Cado, was over seven feet tall and about just as wide, Will really was not in much of a position to argue over his current mode of transport. The overly greenish yellow hue of Avea’s skin was also somewhat alarming but not as much as the revelation that his former employer now sporting an oversized assault weapon with a needless amount of blinking lights was chasing after him and the recently mentioned Avea Cado, who was making his escape but with little regard to the wellbeing of Will as the friction burns would later attest.

Up until fifteen minutes ago, Will had been gainfully employed at the Sunshine Tee Putt & Putt, a reasonably posh and affordable miniature golf establishment. In what can only be described as a dismal failure in tactical negotiation for a raise resulted by the revelation that, Ralph Hughman, his employer for the last three years was in fact an off world genetically manufactured mercenary. As explained to him by RALPH, as he preferred to be known, Will was moments away from having various bodily organs removed via methods that would make a hardened Swedish porn star blush.

As it was 17 minutes ago, Will revealed to his employer that a recent addition to his life, his rather exotic emerald green cat, Brindamour, now put increased pressure on his miniature golf salary and he was wondering if he could get a raise just slightly above the sub minimum wage he was receiving. RALPH seemed rather obliging at the time until Will answered a seemingly harmless question about the cat’s appearance. As it turned out from the information gathered between RALPH’s death threats and the timely arrival of the greenish yellow hued gentlemen known as Avea Cado, as far as Will could make out, his cat was wanted for some interplanetary crime involving the assassination of some monarch whose name had far too many syllables, grand theft celestial and RALPH also insisted that Brindamour pay full price admission for the use of Sunshine Tee Putt & Putt’s facilities.

Seeking confirmation in regard to whether or not his emerald green cat was indeed the emerald green cat in question, Will unwittingly revealed that the cat, who was named Brindamour, as revealed by the ornate collar he wore, was asleep on a blanket set up on the seventh hole on the far side of the enchanted castle. It was at this moment in the conversation that Avea Cado burst into the room and requested that Will perhaps should remain silent on the matter via the medium of a clenched fist to the side of Will’s head.

Will was unsure of where he was now, as he didn’t recall any long hallways with metal floors in his former place of employment. Had he been conscious during the first half of his dramatic escape, he would have no doubt felt obliged to apologize to Little Tina, whose parents had foolishly chosen to celebrate their daughters eighth birthday at the Sunshine Tee Putt & Putt miniature golf establishment. Although they could be forgiven for not having foreseen a 7 foot plus tall greenish yellow hued man resorting to use a little girl’s birthday cake as a shield against the first of many barrages from RALPH’s previously described overzealous assault weapon. Will would no doubt also have offered to at least help pay for the therapy sessions and grief counselling for all those affected by the systematic cellular disassembly of Little Tina’s Aunt Martha who by unfortunate luck happened to be holding a gin and tonic at the time RALPH discharged his weapon of choice. No doubt had he been conscious Will would have asked how holding a gin and tonic would cause such an unpleasant side effect. However, Avea Cado would have little time to explain, as he was busy retrieving Brindamour and evading RALPH’s continued unrestrained used of overwhelming firepower. RALPH too would have also ignored the question as he was far too busy dispensing customary death threats to Will and Avea and discount coupons to everyone else in ear shot that may or may not have had their birthday ruined or relatives demolecularised

Will noticed Brindamour was securely tucked under Avea Cado’s other arm. Will was relieved that Brindamour was seemingly unfazed by the laser death battle that he was currently caught up in. Will knew the cat was unfazed simply by the expression on his face, an expression Brindamour only used when his sleep was disturbed, and an evil look of extreme malice that warned of a deadly revenge that would be enacted later.

It wasn’t my idea. Will silently mouthed to Brindamour

In a lucky twist of fate, it just so happened that Brindamour being a cat of many talents was actually able to lip-read, however being a cat he didn’t understand the monkey jabbering that is the English language so he just continued to give Will the hairy eyeball.

No sooner had Will thought to himself, ‘Damn if this isn’t a long hallway.’ he was dragged less than gently over a rather solid doorframe. Avea Cado suddenly veered right, allowing Will only a fleeting glimpse of a rather long pair of blue legs attached to a girl who wore a very skimpy yellow miniskirt, a barely there yellow bikini top and a pair of beyond sturdy combat boots. In what would no doubt be reflected upon as a twist of good fortune the scantily clad blue girl, who he would later come to know as Tsumari also happened to be carrying and even more overly zealous assault weapon. One rather impressive fatal discharge later, RALPH was nothing more than a thick mass of a glowing neon photochemical left over, spread over a distance of fifty meters back down the hallway.

With the threat passed Avea Cado released Will and scruffed Brindamour by the back of the neck using only two fingers.

Take the cat. Avea ordered before dropping him on Will.

In two minds about what had just happened, Brindamour hissed at Avea Cado and then proceeded to curl up on Will’s chest, thus preventing Will from so much as sitting up. Tsumari handed her oversized gun to Avea Cado before turning to Will. She leaned in close and pressed her barely contained breasts together.

Greetings earthling, tell me everything you know. Tsumari asked in a tone so sultry she could have charged $9.95 a minute.

Uh my name is William Campbell and I was just looking to earn a few extra dollars so that I would be able feed my cat and still afford to have more than a week old lettuce and a couple of carrots in my fridge. Will nervously with a slight hint of depression over his circumstances.

No sooner had Will uttered those words, did Avea push Tsumari aside and stand over Will with two sets of brass knuckles accenting his massive fists.

You talking sack of meat would slay honourable vegetative matter just to prolong your meaningless existence! Avea roared.

Despite her diminutive size compared to Avea, Tsumari grabbed Avea by the ear and pulled him away from Will. Avea offered no resistance, giving Will a clear impression of who was actually in charge. The speed at which she dealt with Avea clearly meant this was a regular occurrence.

Just let me talk to him, I would so like to get to know at least one human without you feeling the need to start some sort of blood feud over their dining habits. Tsumari asked with a smile while batting her eyelashes.

Avea growled at Will but then walked away and pouted over by a tree. Tsumari again placed her ample chest well inside Will’s personal space.

You must forgive, Avea, he is a very complicated man. You see his people evolved from an avocado tree and he has a bit of a grudge against any species that eats what would be his distant cousins, you know him being a sentient vegetable and all.

Will pondered this statement for a moment. He managed to look past Tsumari’s ample bosom that was still pressed against his face and get a good look at Avea Cado. Swayed in black body armour and highlighted by a regal red cape it was only his greenish yellow hue of his skin that betrayed this possible origin linked to the Persea Americana in the family Lauraceae of the Laurales Order. Of course Will being a man gainfully employed at a miniature golf course voiced his conclusions accordingly.

I thought avocados were fruits.

When Will’s words hit his ears, Avea stopped pouting and was instantly once more standing over Will with his brass knuckles again at the ready.

Are you calling me gay? Avea growled.

Tsumari frowned and pointed at the tree, Avea seemed torn between following orders and his need to beat the living daylights out of Will.

But, but why should I take any sort of fertilizer from this vegan! Avea roared.

Tsumari stomped her foot and pointed at the tree again. Avea moped away and stood over by the tree. Tsumari once more returned to the breasts in face position to talk to Will.

There will be time for more formal introductions later; RALPH’s ship will no doubt be already prepping another clone to come after you. I suggest you and your cat come with us.

Will took hold of Brindamour as Tsumari effortlessly hauled him onto his feet and face first straight into her ample chest.

By the way my name is Tsumari.

Nice to meet you Tsumari. was Will’s muffled reply as he struggled for breath in the depths of Tsumari’s cleavage.

It was during this conversation that Will learnt that Tsumari was an undercover agent sent to Earth to retrieve Brindamour. Her people had only just recently discovered that a species of balding psychotic monkeys had chosen to take over the galaxy’s largest reptilian theme park and through careful monitoring Earth’s broadcasts of space exploration they found that Tsumari’s current uniform, while not thermally useful in the cold depths of space was the one most likely to enable her to blend in as a symbol of authority or at least that was the best Will could make out as he was being deprived of oxygen at the time as Tsumari had yet to let him come up for air.

If you are intent on keeping him alive, you had best let him up for air lest his feeble monkey brain become any more damaged. Avea muttered.

Are you sure, from my understanding this is the standard greeting most males of his inferior simian species would prefer?

They desire asphyxiation via enlarged sweat glands? These creatures are more backwards then I thought. Still if it comes down to it, they will be easy to enslave.

Will finally successfully managed to grope and fondle his way to freedom from Tsumari’s ample bosom. Taking in great gasps of oxygen Will looked back and forth between the two aliens he had just met.

Enslave? Will asked still somewhat lightheaded.

Oh pay no mind to Avea’s rants, he threatens to enslave or kill just about everyone we meet and almost half the time he’s kind of joking. Now you had better come with us. Tsumari replied reassuringly with a comforting smile as she batted her eyelashes.

"I suppose so;