Traveling Solo, but Never Alone: Surviving and Thriving After the Death of a Spouse

By Bill Harrison

When my wife passed away four days before Christmas in 2017 I was devastated. Mary and I had a challenging, exciting and adventurous life together for over 53 years, traveling the globe and finding success in a
number of careers. But suddenly she was gone. I had lost my identity and purpose. I cried out:
“What now, Lord?”
“Why am I still here?”
“What do you have in store for me now?”
And over the ensuing months God began to show me that, although my role had drastically changed, my identity as his child remained the same and that he still had a purpose in my being here, which he began to reveal to me. And he reassured me, though I was now traveling solo, I would never be alone.

This book is the story of my journey since Mary’s passing and what I have learned from my experiences. I hope it will be a source of inspiration for those who have experienced great loss, encouraging them with the knowledge that God is not finished with them, but has much more for them to learn, experience and accomplish.

To follow my continuing journey see my blogs at
https://spiritual-entrepreneurship.com/blog-posta/

Finally, Enjoy Spiritual Entrepreneurship: Fulfilling Your God-Ordained Destiny
By Bill and Mary Harrison
Available Wherever You Buy Your Books

• Language: English
• Publisher: Total Publishing
• Release date: Aug 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9781633021754

Bill Harrison

Bill Harrison worked as a professional bassist in Chicago for four decades. He performed with jazz luminaries Clark Terry, James Moody, Bunky Green, Max Roach, Woody Herman’s Thundering Herd, Dizzy Gillespie, and many others. His theatrical credits include Wicked, The Lion King, Always Patsy Cline, The Visit, Bounce, Turn of the Century, and Billy Elliot. Bill’s writing has been published in After Hours, Allium, Counseling Today, The Intermezzo, Performink, The Sandpiper, Sledgehammer, Under the Gum Tree, and elsewhere. He has a private psychotherapy practice in Chicago, where he lives with his poet/therapist wife, Nina Corwin, and a naughty Bengal named Jazzy.

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WHAT NOW, LORD?

My daughter Jennifer and I both held it together pretty well during the last few days of Mary’s mortal life. We had been through this several times before during Mary’s previous hospitalizations. Our time together always further strengthened the bond between us, and there had always been a happy ending as I took Mary home after each hospital stay.

This time was different, however. Mary was not going home with me. In mid-December of 2017 she began experiencing severe abdominal pain. Within a few days both her legs, as well as her abdomen became swollen and she was enervated, sleeping most of the time.

At the advice of her transplant specialist I took her to Baylor Scott & White emergency room. After blood and urine tests, a CT scan and several sonograms, it was determined she had a severe infection in both legs that was causing the pain, swelling and fluid retention. She was put on a course of antibiotics and pain medication, which seemed to be having a positive effect. The swelling and redness began to dissipate and she seemed to be more comfortable.

Mary was admitted to the hospital to stay a few days until the infection was totally gone and she was stable enough to go home. However, her breathing became labored and she was put on oxygen. The doctors reported there were issues with her kidneys and lungs, but they hoped it would clear up as the infection was eliminated.

On Sunday morning, December 17th, her condition began to deteriorate and she was transferred to the intensive care unit. A host of specialists were consulted and it was decided the treatments she was receiving were not effective and might even be harmful. As a result, they recommended to discontinue the treatments and provide palliative care; Mary was moved back to a regular hospital room. By Tuesday it was recommended we arrange for hospice care either at home or in a hospice facility. The next day we had her transferred to Faith Presbyterian Hospice.

My daughter Jennifer and I camped out starting Sunday, first at the hospital and then at the hospice center. During those next few days, we were inundated with people whose lives had been touched by Mary and who loved her deeply. We witnessed a tremendous outpouring of God’s love through his children.

Jennifer and I knew Mary had grown weary with the struggles she had endured due to health issues over the years. We sensed the time had come for those to end. So, on Thursday morning, December 21st, in the hospice center, we each kissed her and told her she had our permission to leave for her eternal home whenever she was ready. Shortly before noon on Thursday, December 21, 2017 Mary breathed her last breath and passed into the presence of her Maker. Jennifer was holding Mary’s hand as she passed away; one of our dear friends was there with us.

When I finally arrived back at our apartment that evening after four very intense days, it hit me hard. Seeing Mary’s coat and shoes in the living room where we had left them in our hurry to get her to the emergency room, my composure shattered. The finality of it gripped my heart like an icy hand. I let out a primal scream, fell to my knees at my bedside and sobbed uncontrollably until I was exhausted.

I would never hold Mary in my arms and kiss here again. We would never again share a laugh or a tear, or have a deep discussion on politics, religion or life in general. No more would we enjoy a movie or a theater play together, or travel to exotic places around the globe. We would not make the trip to South Africa we had decided would be our next destination. The time of planning and doing things together had come to an end.

That night I slept the sleep of an exhausted man, and awoke the next morning with these questions on my lips:

What now, Lord?

Why am I still here?

What do you have in store for me now?

For 53 years Mary and I had made decisions together about where we would go and what we would do. For 48 of those years we sought God’s direction to what he would lead us to do. When we had prayed, thought things over and discussed them, we had never regretted the decisions we had made - although we didn’t always understand at first why God had led us there. Now she was no longer there beside me to challenge me and encourage me. Now it was up to me to discern God’s will for my life, to come to my own conclusions and make choices by myself.

I prayed to God,

"Father, thank you for each and every moment Mary Carolyn and I had together for nearly 53 years. Thank you that she was ready to go home and passed quietly and peacefully into your presence. Uphold and sustain me for the rest of my life here without her. Guide me and empower me to accomplish the purpose you have for me until my work is complete.

In Jesus name, Amen!"

GOD’S ANSWERS BEGIN

Mary’s death, although it was not totally unexpected, had a profound effect on me. It brought into sharp focus the fragility of mortal life, as well as its unpredictability. As the shock has gradually worn off, I have come to value even more the necessity of making the most of whatever time I have remaining on this Earth. As a result, I have made a concentrated effort to listen to God’s voice more carefully each day, to discern the best use of my time, and the opportunities I am afforded to share God’s love with others. In the process, I have experienced a deepening understanding and appreciation of God’s character and purpose for his creation.

Mary and I had talked for years about downsizing and moving to a smaller single-story home and had looked at many without finding any we liked that met our budget. We had also considered an active senior living facility, but once again could not find one we liked that we could afford. In August of 2017 we visited a brand-new senior living facility in Frisco, Texas within a 10-minute drive from our daughter’s family’s home.

We liked what we saw and discovered it was affordable. When we revisited it with our daughter and grandsons, they also liked it and were thrilled it was so close to their home. We signed a one-year lease and were given until October 8 to move in and start paying rent. Fortunately the mortgage on our Plano home was fully paid off so we could pay the rent at our new apartment without having to wait for the house to sell.

We enlisted the services of a realtor and began the process of getting ready to move. Moving meant we had to make arrangements not only for the sale of the house, but also for an estate sale of all the furnishings and equipment in our 2,600 sq. ft. home that would not fit in a 1,300 sq. ft. apartment. The preparation and move itself would be somewhat hectic and tiring, but once we were moved we could relax and leave the rest to the professionals.

While all this was going on we were in the final stages of getting our Spiritual Entrepreneurship book published, making changes due to the editorial review and reviewing and approving the cover design. All of this was completed and the book was published and listed on Amazon.com on September 7th. On September 25th we celebrated Mary’s 73rd birthday, and three days later we completed our move; soon thereafter our Plano home was listed for sale. We received and accepted a full price offer on October 26 and closed on the sale on November 21st.

What we had talked about for years was accomplished in about three months once we decided it was time to do it. And although we had not lived in an apartment since we moved into our first home in early 1970, we adjusted to life in an active senior living facility and felt at home within a few weeks of our move.

We were both excited about beginning yet another chapter of our lives together. But within three months Mary’s health took a turn for the worse and she passed away, leaving me alone and somewhat bewildered. This was not at all what I had wanted or anticipated. My life had involved Mary for so long I was at a loss as to what I was to do now. Why is she gone and I am still here?

God was not caught off guard by this turn of events and he began to show me the plans he had for my life going forward. He began by reassuring me of his presence with me, everywhere I would go and in everything I would experience.

On Sunday, three days after Mary passed, I celebrated the morning Christmas Eve service at Grace Presbyterian Church in Plano with the family of God there. I attended a 3:30 p.m. service with Brice, Jennifer, Carter and Cooper Coleman at their church, Hope Fellowship West in Frisco. Finally, I attended the 6:00 p.m. service at Bethel Fellowship in The Colony with my good friends Randy and Lorraine Bihm.

It was the best Christmas Eve I had ever had, worshipping God with three different congregations. What a day! I gave thanks to God for the love expressed by the Body of Christ in each location. The next morning, I celebrated Christmas with Jennifer’s family at their home in Frisco. I had Christmas dinner with them and Brice’s extended family at his parents’ home in Dallas. It was a bittersweet day, enjoying fellowship with the Coleman clan, yet missing Mary’s presence. I fell asleep that evening feeling very blessed.