#BlackInDenver: A Black Girl’s Reflection on Being A Boujie Hipster and Black In Her Favorite Town. Essays On Race, Racial and Cultural Dissonance, Whiteness, and Being Blackity Black.

By Jenaya L. Perdue

Jenaya Perdue, lover of all (mostly all) things Boujie (when within her budget), hipster (when not too smelly and doesn't include exercise), and Blackity Black (especially when said things are shirtless, male, and have lovely muscles), gives you a window into her mind, heart, body, and proclivities as she navigates being #BlackInDenver. In 2700ish Facebook statuses and 39ish essays, journey with her as she finishes out her 20s in her favorite town in America—but also the town that gives her all the feelings. It's hard being Black and it's hard being in the cesspool of whiteness day-in and day-out. She will challenge your proclivities as you exchange your lens for hers.

Jenaya is an Army kid who was raised in Kentucky and Georgia mostly, but roots are forever Denver. She earned her Doctorate in Education 4 days before her 27th birthday on April 30th, 2014 at 144pm and vacillates between academic writing and writing for regular people. She loves storytelling, kale salad, collecting passport stamps, napping, scrolling Facebook, daydreaming, untangling knots, and macaroni and cheese. She is desperately afraid of worms. She currently lives in Shenzhen, China, but that is always subject to change cuz she's getting pretty tired of soy sauce. This is her first book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 12, 2020
• ISBN: 9781735410227

Book preview

Benediction

Part I

Facebook Statuses

The Why

I was told in a myriad of clever, passively violent, and micro-aggressive ways that, Your interests are fine, but your Blackness is too much for us, takes up too much oxygen, and requires too much space. Denver forced me to pick one—air to breathe, things I love to do, my Blackness, or space to flex—lest I have no friends. Vacillating between them was only tolerated for a modicum amount of time, and the tension between and being forced to choose was neck-breaking and anxiety-inducing. No one should ever have to choose, but alas, here we are, well, here I am, a Black girl in Denver.

I posted a bit over 5000 Facebook statuses in a 4-year period. A lot is an understatement. My thumbs are still recovering. I wrote with intention to publish one day because I wanted a running record of my journey, but even still, it’s not all here. I got fired from several jobs. I gained and lost friends. I wasted tons of time being jealous over other folks’ lives on social media. I said no when I should have said yes. I said yes when I should have said no. I was really really broke. I ran out of money after 3 months and had to go back home. I’m sure I’m leaving out some of the other super unpleasant anecdotes that I’ve blocked even from my own psyche, but you get the point.

I also developed my voice, stopped to smell the roses sometimes, fell into or got shoved into thorny bushes, licked my wounds, learned to enjoy me, and figured out that being Black meant that I could be whatever I wanted it to mean. I saw so many live productions, fell in love with mixologists’ creative cocktails, had conversations with people who knew big words like me, did cupcake auditions and found my favorite bakeries, sang in lovely ensembles, performed around town, worked my way up from cold-pressed beet juice to actually enjoying real beets, and discovered the nectar of the gods—Bronner’s Soap.

In editing for this book, I realized the following:

—I spent way too much time trying to get to a healthy body weight and was always yo-yoing and determining my beauty and worth to the world by a number on a scale.

—Having sex earlier in life would have gotten rid of all or most of the pent-up energy and rage, but also would have caused a plethora of other issues. Being super grown and virginal is/was hard.

—Until a few months before leaving, I really didn’t have any good friends to do anything with and I learned by default how to enjoy my life all by myself.

— I deleted all the public invitations for people to come do things with me because there were a lot and they make me sad to think of them now. I decided to delete the statuses where I asked to spend time with people because there were so many, no one ever showed up, and it proved how friendless I was in my own town. It hurts and I see now why folks are depressed and wonder if they mean anything to anyone in that town. We as people need to do better.

— I took out those folks who I was friends with that I’m not friends with anymore because they don’t see my humanity and lived experience as reason enough to quit being racist on Facebook. So so hard.

—I mention kale 85 times, boujie 54 times, white 502 times, Black 621 times, and hipster 77 times. I used thesaurus.com to find synonyms for the 25 times I used the word exhausted.

All in all, I don’t do introductions. I hate them. So self-aggrandizing. Juxtaposed to this sentiment is the big fact that I wrote a whole book about myself and am begging people to buy it. I prefer people to figure me out and journey with me; to be inspired and develop tools to become a better version of themselves after crossing paths with me.

This book is for 2 audiences. First, it’s for Black people who wonder if they’re the only ones who feel this way around white folks. Know that our Black collective has boundless wealth found in its diversity of lived experiences, feelings, perspectives, and ideas. I hope that you are seen and feel seen. Second, it’s for the white people who need to know that they don’t get the corner market of existing, nor do they get to be the ones to make the rules for what’s acceptable and not acceptable. I want white people to see and validate those experiences and perspectives that are foreign to them, and I want Black people to feel seen and validated.

Quick note: There is a difference between white people and white people. And this book is filled to the meniscus with stories of a Black girl in spaces completely filled with the latter kind of white people. In the first white people, they are those with non-pigmented skin. Dassit. In the second white people, they are those who intentionally or unintentionally uphold the standards, social norms, and structures that they benefit from that also cause harm to those who are not white, and refuse to use their privilege to demand change and equity for those who do not look like them. The second white people get on my nerves. They are the All Lives Matter and the Can you all just protest about injustice a bit softer so that I don’t have to feel guilty? They, those human spirits housed in white bodies, who purposefully or arbitrarily entangle themselves in the thorny weeds of whiteness; are deeply planted in their conviction that their privilege, power, and prestige should not be shared with those who look, think, speak, believe, live differently than them; believe that theirs and their lineage are the chosen ones destined for the elusive and menacingly intangible American dream; think this country has a lovely history of equity and love for all and that all men are created equal and are treated the same; think that going back to the good ole’ days is the way to fix all problems today; condemn all the disrespectful, unpatriotic Kaepernicks and demand for us to be quiet and docile; ought to be diagnosed with caucastic amnesia—those white people—those are the ones who make my life difficult and who I’m writing about. Here, when you see white people, know that I’m talking about the latter and not the former, but I also may or may not be talking about you. The year of our Lord 2020 is not the time for white folks to wipe sweat off their brow in refreshing relief and respond with, Whew! I’m glad I’m not a racist like him/her/them/it. This is a time to be vulnerable, honest, and ask yourself hard questions.

Let this book be a mirror to us all so that we, Black folks, can heal and prioritize our safety, health, well-being, stability, and lineage through gaining sight and empowerment through our collective journey and joys and heartache. And for the white folks, let this book be a mirror so that y’all can get your shit together. You, whiteness-imbued white people, all need to re-watch Barney again and learn to share, and be quiet and listen without planning your rebuttal when others who don’t look and think like you are talking.

Denver is great. It’s a gorgeous town nestled between plains and mountains. Picturesque, vibrant, hipster, blue skies, not cheap, and where I had my second puberty that noone every tells you about. I loved my time there, but it was hard. I knew that this town was going to be an adventure before I got there and I knew after I left that I was a completely different person than when I had arrived. But I didn’t realize how much I had grown and how much I had hurt and how much I had honed my identity as Black and woman until I started putting all the pieces together.

This book extends beyond the zip codes assigned to Denver cuz whiteness pervades, extends throughout, and has seeped into every square inch of our human tapestry for the last millennium. I’ve travelled the world and whiteness meets me everywhere I go. However, I was neck-deep in it with eyes wide open in my town Denver. These essays, epithets, snapshots if you will, are written for those who wish to see, who wish to hear, and who wish to ask hard questions of themselves and their circle of influence vested in whiteness. I invite you to don my glasses and walk in my shoes as I journey as a Black girl in a very white town. Adopt my lens. See what I see. Hear what I hear. Feel what I feel.

I moved from Kentucky after finishing my Doctorate in Education at 26 and nobody wanted to hire me because I had no work experience and was just too young. I was jogging one day and realized that I could be poor adjuncting in Kentucky universities or poor in Denver. I packed up my tiny apartment in my Nissan Versa hatchback named Velma (Velma the Versa—no connection to the lady on Scooby Doo) and bounced. Bye Bluegrass.

Hello Mile High.

2014

Let’s begin.

Aug 2, 2014, 4:21 PM.. ROAD TRIP WITH BROBRO!! Bro gets 2 McDoubles, chicken sandwich, large fries, and a large Hi-C (what the eff). I get a strawberry Go-Gurt.

Aug 2, 2014, 7:02 PM.. Any woman with eyes has a sweet spot for Samoan men. They are all BEAUTIFUL. So how bout we just passed by a First Samoan Assembly of God Church. I feel in my spirit that we should spend the night and go to church there tomorrow so I can pass out my business cards.

Aug 2, 2014, 7:43 PM.. Note to world: NEVER buy cut up mango at a gas station in the heart of Kansas. These yellow blocks of wood are choking hazards. Somebody mail me to Central America--specifically Costa Rica.

Aug 2, 2014, 9:02 PM.. Ginormous windmills and sunset in Kansas!

Aug 2, 2014, 10:11 PM.. Saw a sign saying Starbucks--79 miles. Waste of marketing money? Hashtag--KansasProblems

Aug 3, 2014, 12:57 AM.. My kiddo gave a persuasive speech on why students need to take school seriously. His ending sentence was ...if you don't, you will be on academic probation like me. If I don't pass this class with a C, I will be kicked out of college.

Me: ...........

Aug 4, 2014, 3:50 AM.. That's the biggest Big Dipper constellation I ever saw!! It looks like I can touch it! Hashtag--almostthere

Aug 4, 2014, 8:34 AM.. So much is happening. I feel like I'm in a tornado. Hashtag--vaguestatus

Aug 4, 2014, 10:05 AM.. I deserve a pound of cooked bacon and a 1/5 of orange juice with no pulp.

Aug 4, 2014, 11:41 AM.. Starbucks is trying to be all fancy with their new Boulange pastry things, but in actuality, they are just overpriced open-faced Hot Pockets. Well played, Starbucks. Well played.

Aug 4, 2014, 12:10 PM.. There are literally 25 cars in this Chickfila drive thru.

Aug 5, 2014, 4:45 PM.. Burma, Liberia, and the USA are the only 3 countries that do not use the metric system.. 'Murica

Aug 6, 2014, 12:32 PM.. Watching House on Netflix and now I want to go to medical school. This is why I stopped watching the show. Fml.

Aug 7, 2014, 1:14 PM.. Wanna know if God exists? Here's proof--Noodles and Company Rice Krispie treat :)

Aug 7, 2014, 4:38 PM.. I like big...camarones (shrimp) and I cannot lie.

Aug 8, 2014, 12:53 PM.. The cashier at Dick's Sports Store was eating a bag of Cheetos. Conflicting messages or is it just me?

Aug 8, 2014, 1:31 PM.. My editor emailed me my dissertation in SEVEN (7) PDF files with a bill. What. The. Flandering. Philanthropic. Floosie. Flapjack. Is. This?!?!!

Somebody mail me to a private island so I can ride a dolphin. Hashtag--isittoolatetodropoutofschool

Aug 8, 2014, 11:03 PM.. Me y Alyssa H y Rodrigo y Gabriela = great friend date. Do yourself a favor and google Tamacun by Rodrigo y Gabriela. Your soul will thank you.

Aug 9, 2014, 1:49 PM.. Just drove past a cloud of cicadas. And .025 seconds later, I was expedia-ing one-way tickets to Chile. I. Can’t. With. Cicadas.

Aug 9, 2014, 3:59 PM.. My own dissertation is putting me to sleep. BARELY made it through edits of chapter 1 which is the SHORTEST section. Jesus, be some caffeine.

Aug 9, 2014, 4:08 PM.. Sitting in a hipster coffee shop editing...I'm tempted to go lay in the white people's hammock while they're not looking. It looks so heavenly!

Aug 9, 2014, 5:04 PM.. Told myself I was going to do gluten-free again starting today and I was VERY successful...until I saw this at the coffee counter :)

Aug 10, 2014, 9:21 AM.. The white ppl have abandoned their hammock and it's now raining. What would happen if I took it for ransom and said, I'll give it back if you pay 1/2 or all my student loans. Deal? Technically I'm doing them a service by keeping their property dry..

Aug 10, 2014, 8:15 PM.. Walmart trip sightings: deep fried FLAVORED turkey breast sandwich meat, baker's dozen doughnuts cuz 12 isn't enough, triple cheese microwaveable macaroni, deal where you buy a 6 pack of Red bull and get 12 Ramen noodles for free, and my personal favorite--Bacon flavored bologna. Now I know why Americans are fat. My poor country..

Aug 10, 2014, 10:01 PM.. Watching a Black, attractive, young, professional, happy, and married couple on House Hunters. I'm 2.5 from being in my feelings. **sigh**

Aug 11, 2014, 12:35 PM.. Four friend dates with some amazing women I'm honored to know and love and share life with, two live music events, worship at Bethel Brentwood, hipster food, delicious homemade kale and pork roast, peppermint tea, gluten-free crepe, bonding time with BroBro, and a 2.73 mile run = wonderful weekend. :)

Aug 11, 2014, 10:30 PM..

Aug 12, 2014, 8:18 AM.. Façades are deadly. If you are sad, get help. Talk to someone. You are needed. Being everyone's happiness is impossible. Love yourself. Know you are loved. I wish someone said this to Robin Williams. Hug often, love deeply, share one another's burdens.

Aug 12, 2014, 3:54 PM.. Wanna hear a joke? I found some apartments in my dismal budget range and this website said, Here are some other fancy apartments close by! One bedroom, one bath is only $2,300! -_-

Aug 12, 2014, 5:54 PM.. Got a student loan notice and Gmail flags it asking, Is this junk mail?

Me: Yes.

Aug 13, 2014, 3:19 PM.. My stomach is in knots of excitement :)

Aug 13, 2014, 4:19 PM.. Me and Jackie Marks passed by Brad Paisley FOUR times today. I was about to ask for a selfie but the convo would have been like this: Hey, uh, Mr. Paisley, right? (He nods) Ok good. So I know you're famous and all--prolly have some famous songs. I don't know any of them. Actually, I hate country music. Can I still get a selfie with you? Cuz I really like your hat.

Aug 14, 2014, 4:24 PM.. This guy just stretched and I saw his nipple ring outline coming through his shirt...not sure how I feel right now…

Aug 14, 2014, 6:06 PM.. I like how you look up a potential apartment on Craigslist and you get the listed address and it's an overgrown field of shrubs and weeds -_-

Aug 14, 2014, 10:09 PM.. Approximately 27 hours later, my dissertation is finally fully edited. God bless Cathie Bryant and all other APA experts. God bless you all real good!

Aug 15, 2014, 11:38 PM.. I've been awake and out the bed for 10 hours and it's only 4:49pm. I can't be an adult. This is too hard.

Aug 16, 2014, 4:33 PM.. Me: I'm EXHAUSTED!! I woke up and was out the bed at 645am today.

Dad John Derrick Perdue: Whoa. Why did you wake up so late? Did you miss your first meeting or something??

Me: I get no empathy. #armykidproblems

Aug 17, 2014, 2:12 PM.. SO tempted to put To all my haterz in my dissertation acknowledgements page...but idk how to spell the last word...is it hataaazz, or haters, or hatuuuzz or is there no /z/..?

Aug 17, 2014, 3:09 PM.. You best believe me when I tell you that this preacher was FFFIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEE!!!! I'm about to apply for and join all their church ministries. Thank Ya Gawt for this jolt in my spirit!

Aug 18, 2014, 6:45 PM.. 6:07am. I got out of bed at 6:07am.

Aug 19, 2014, 7:56 AM.. You know what I want right now? A Capri-Sun. And by a Capri-Sun, what I really mean is an entire box of packaged juices with yellow straws. Somebody buy me some!

Aug 19, 2014, 6:09 PM.. Whilst jogging today, I passed by an almost cute white guy who was waiting for his dog to poop. As soon as I was in his full view, I tripped over the sidewalk crack and skinned my knee and palms. Not sexy at all. Back to abysmal invisibility go I. **sigh**

Aug 19, 2014, 8:43 PM.. My deepest of souls wants a street vended taco with a gallon of sour cream dolloped on top.

Aug 20, 2014, 7:27 AM.. Y'all!! I'M EMPLOYED!! When I tell you my Savior Jesus made a way out of no way and I have a story to testify!! Introducing me--a 5th grade teacher in DENVER, COLORADO!!

Aug 21, 2014, 10:08 PM.. Drinking hot loose leaf maté tea in a glass cup with gluten free lemon poppy seed bread at a fancy hipster coffee shop trying not to freak about starting to teach in 5 days.

Aug 22, 2014, 12:03 PM.. 13. Hours. At. School. Today.

Aug 22, 2014, 2:55 PM.. Dilemma: Next week is my first week of teaching. Cool. Tuesday, John Legend is performing in the Red Rocks. What should I do??!

Aug 23, 2014, 11:50 AM.. Got my lamb shank and kabsa rice to go and while waiting, I saw a newly married couple on a date acting adorable, some very well-behaved kids, and a couple praying over their food and THEN the latter guy recited lovingly a long poem to her. I'll be in my feelings until dawn.

Aug 23, 2014, 6:29 PM.. You know you're living in America in 2014 when HR has to explicitly express its dress code by saying no garments that expose traditionally private parts of the body.

Aug 23, 2014, 10:00 PM.. Just got out this store flabbergasted cuz they sold ONE washcloth for $5. I looked at the sign and said, so that's $5 for a bundle of 12, right?

Aug 24, 2014, 10:33 AM.. Looked up churches on Google Maps and Church's Chicken shows up..guess I should have been more specific.

Aug 24, 2014, 2:12 PM.. These animal crackers are giving me LLIIIFFFFEEEE!!

Aug 24, 2014, 2:18 PM.. At the bus stop and a Zen Buddhist chats with me--he kept asking questions, would cut me off when I tried to answer them, would never answer my questions, was an expert in my faith foundation even tho he has never read the Bible, and treated me like an idiot cuz I choose to believe Jesus is who He said He is. I understand faith is hard and we may disagree, but at least be kind and respectful. Somebody buy me a taco.

Aug 24, 2014, 6:33 PM.. I'm 100% sure your burger joint didn't brand its name in your bun. #smashedthis #bacon #iwantanotherone #burgerfi

Aug 25, 2014, 6:46 AM.. I can't believe I'm in bed with the lights off at 9pm. Lunacy, I tell you. LUNACY!!

Aug 25, 2014, 4:12 PM.. Running past Einstein's while they're baking their early morning batch of bagels has GOT to be the worst fate in life..

Aug 26, 2014, 7:05 AM.. How do you call an office and ask for the operator and the automated person says this person does not have an activated voicemail. Goodbye.

?!?!?!!!

Aug 26, 2014, 7:06 AM.. I woke up in my new apartment today!!

Aug 27, 2014, 6:50 AM.. FIRST FIFTH-GRADE STORY: In asking kiddies about famous people they would like to research this year, I got typical answers: singers, actresses like Angelina, Selena Gomez, Barack Obama, Latino/a and American alike. Then my basically genius and super respectful boy quietly raises his hand, waits to be called upon, and says, I'd like to learn more about Three-Six Mafia. :o

Aug 27, 2014, 5:20 PM.. Teacher rule #7394: NEVER drink a 20 oz. bottle of water at 748am when you start teaching at 8am. You will surely think peeing on yourself during lecture is a viable option.

Aug 27, 2014, 8:34 PM.. If you ever want to buy me a cheap present, get some Tillamook extra sharp cheddar cheese. It puts tears in my eyes.

Aug 28, 2014, 6:39 PM.. Kiddies today: Miss, are you married?

Me: I don't think so.. Should I be?

Kiddies: Yes!

Then they proceed to list all the super hot, famous Latino soccer players.

**sigh** If only it were that easy!

Aug 28, 2014, 8:29 PM.. Wanna hear a joke? I legitly (you read that right) thought I could go see a concert 45 minutes away on my second day of teaching elementary ever in life.. Goal tonight: REM sleep by 845pm :)

Aug 29, 2014, 7:55 PM..Running at 530am and I passed a Black guy who stops and says, I see you!

Me thinking: Well I SMELL you and I BEEN smelling you AND your weed for 10 paces now -_-

Aug 30, 2014, 7:32 PM.. Lobster macaroni and cheese topped with bacon. Thus sayeth The Lord. Amen and amen.

Aug 30, 2014, 8:14 PM.. I wonder if Jesus will be upset if I lie about my relationship status when I'm on or waiting for the bus...if yes, I need to devise a new creative strategy.

Aug 30, 2014, 8:27 PM.. At Taste Of Colorado and this booth is selling rattlesnake sausage and camel or ostrich burgers in addition to other animals.. Jenaya will be dining on jerk chicken cuz she's a wuss.

Aug 30, 2014, 10:22 PM.. Fried chicken in a waffle cone topped with gravy?!?!!! This is why we have diabetes.

Aug 31, 2014, 11:26 AM.. Seriously thinking about having a section on my blog called on my bus ride home today,... cuz today, a 50-year-old Mexican told me he loved me and wanted to marry me and I almost had to be rescued by a muscly Asian guy; I saw a dog nestled between this lady's boobs; and a very drunk man handed me a small vial of bubble juice with a wand and briefly demonstrated how to make bubbles.

Aug 31, 2014, 6:23 PM.. Two and a half specks of pepper in a room full of salt #denverchurchproblems **sigh**

Sep 1, 2014, 11:02 AM.. Pulled on my hair today. It's growing. I'm happy. :)

Sep 1, 2014, 4:02 PM.. Cooked frozen peas or tortilla chips for breakfast? SUCH a hard decision..

Sep 1, 2014, 7:05 PM.. Maybe it's me, but if I were on house arrest, I prolly wouldn't advertise my status by donning shorts and wearing my apparatus on top of my white tube socks.. #colfaxsightings

Sep 1, 2014, 8:09 PM.. When you find just enough Oreos to get you through your time of need.

Put me in E-flat cuz I got a testimony..

Sep 2, 2014, 6:45 AM.. This HR form states that I must identify my race and ethnicity (Hispanic/not Hispanic). In bold it says that if I don't self-identify, they may be required to make its best determination to identify your race/ethnicity. Wonder if they can guess mine by my name..? o_0

Sep 2, 2014, 9:39 PM.. Overhearing convo whilst waiting to get my bus pass at 645pm--

Mid 20's Guy: So what did you do today?

Mid 20's Girl: Yeah so I got up late, then I went outside, then I went to lay down, then I did a couple things, and then I took a nap...

Me after being awake since 515am: You are obviously not a teacher -_-

Sep 3, 2014, 6:50 AM.. Countdown!!! Who watches Scandal in Denver?!!

Sep 3, 2014, 7:30 PM.. I'm all for this new fangled musics but old school is where it's at! 'Scuse me while I sway at this bus stop.

Sep 4, 2014, 7:08 AM.. This Macaroni and cheese was GUH-ross!! Like it was nacho cheese, noodles, and no class. The boojie in me disagreed with the chef's intent, the owner's vision, and Yelp.

Sep 4, 2014, 4:37 PM.. Last night, I picked up dinner at a window restaurant. All of a sudden I hear romantic R&B behind me. I turned and this 40ish year old guy with his music blaring and windows rolled down, parks his car, gets out wearing a shirt with Lil' Wayne flipping you off, a gold chain cross, tube socks, and dress shoes. Then he proceeds to wait in line for food whilst serenading the eatery patrons with his own stereo and walking around like he owns the block. #Colfax

Sep 4, 2014, 7:45 PM.. You think markers for 5th graders are safe until they use their ingenuity to decorate their posters with splotches of marker fluid--done by flinging marker tips towards said paper. I turn around for 2.5 and all of a sudden I'm using Clorox wipies to clean walls, desks, foreheads, glasses, clothing, chairs, hands, and backpacks. At least the posters look AWESOME? :)

Sep 5, 2014, 7:00 AM.. Kid today: Hey, Ms. Perdue? Have you ever played beer pong?

Me: Wwhhhaattt??! Uhh....

Kid: Oh don't worry. I don't drink the beer when I play.

Sep 6, 2014, 7:36 PM.. During math class, kid writes bottom board, then other kid retorts with top board. I laughed til I cried :D

Sep 7, 2014, 10:00 AM.. Visited a fancy hospital today and I'm now trying not to google medical school entrance requirements..this is not good.

Sep 7, 2014, 1:43 PM.. Brother has me sitting on the front row of the salty church..

-_- SSSOOOO great to have him here in Denver with me :)

Sep 7, 2014, 5:22 PM.. That was the FANCIEST Walmart I ever saw!! But there was not a single minuscule drop of ethnic hair care anywhere in the facility. Jesus, I just need some hair grease!

Sep 8, 2014, 6:36 AM.. Me: Wanna know something cool?

Invisible ppl: Yeah, what?

Me: My apartment is SSSSOOOO big...

IP: How big is it??

Me: My apartment is SSSSOOOO big, I need to plug my vacuum into TWO electrical outlets in order to reach all my square footage.

IP: **crickets**

Me:

Sep 8, 2014, 6:35 PM.. SUPER slow run today and I had no reasons/excuses--no malfunctioning joints or organs and not a single legit hill.. On days like this, I have to remember that I DID run 2 miles, I did NOT stop, I enjoyed myself, and I'm on a journey. Also, I can't forget that at one time, I couldn't walk to my neighbor's mailbox and back without tears. Hashtag--progress. Hashtag--reflection.

Sep 8, 2014, 9:35 PM.. Thought this lady was wearing sandals and then I realized she had tattooed her feet and toes with henna patterns.

Sep 9, 2014, 6:34 AM.. Kid before even eating breakfast: Um, Ms. Perdue, I have a question about what we will be learning this year.

Me hopeful and with all ears: Oh you do? Well what's your question? (Attuned and eager for deeper dialogue)

Smirking Kid: I was wondering if we will be covering sexual intercourse in science..I'm very interested in sexual organs of men and women.

Me in my head: Over my dead body and when hell freezes over.

Sep 9, 2014, 9:57 PM.. I'm thinking about going to bed at 630pm today.

Sep 10, 2014, 7:54 AM..12 hours and 25 minutes in the schoolhouse.

My goal of going to sleep at 630pm failed. Finally under my blanket at 956pm. Jesus help me.

Sep 10, 2014, 7:58 AM.. Kiddies had an assembly where the staff member said they were going to play a game called Make it Rain. All the other kids were excited to do the snaps, then clapping, thigh hitting, and foot stomping to replicate a thunderstorm. My kids made it rain with dollar bills and then my rambunctious child decided to do the NayNay down the hallway after assembly -_- #theyknowtoomuch

Sep 10, 2014, 3:17 PM.. Idk why these ppl think I can concentrate in this all-day professional development training when there are CLEARLY sandwiches on the back table..and I can smell them.

Sep 11, 2014, 6:45 AM.. Wanna hear a joke? *clears throat*

So this lady today asked me for some lotion.

Sep 12, 2014, 6:47 AM.. This Black guy was in a nice gray suit and completely bald...except for this 4 inch long curled bang on his forehead. #perplexed

Sep 12, 2014, 8:00 PM.. I like how one of my kiddies was super sick and throws up in the bathroom, but then as soon as birthday cupcakes show up, he is miraculously healed liked he touched the hem of the Master's garment.

-_-

Sep 12, 2014, 9:19 PM.. I'm under my blankets and about to take off my glasses.. This is how grown folks turn up.

Sep 13, 2014, 10:54 AM.. Kid in independent reading time raises her hand to ask what nocturnal means. As a cross-curricular connecting point, I decided to open this up for discussion.

Kid: Nocturnal means awake at night and asleep in the day.

Me: Yep! Does anyone know the name of the opposite--what you and I are (answer: diurnal)?

Kid #1 with all confidence: Day-urnal!

Kid #2: Ugh! No! That's wrong! It's morning-urnal!

Sep 13, 2014, 6:16 PM.. Got out of my blanket about 2 hours ago (145pm)...so ready for another nap.

Sep 13, 2014, 6:18 PM.. Round 2 of Tuna Helper. Finished lesson plans in 3 hours! Last week it was 5. Next up, a movie with fine chocolate men to gaze upon.

Sep 14, 2014, 3:23 PM.. Best Man Holiday..a negative effect of getting a doctorate. I had to wait 9 months to see this Christmas movie. It got me in my feelings so now I'm watching Avengers.

Sep 14, 2014, 7:09 PM.. Was planning on getting work done at school this afternoon but the building won't open. This is proof that Jesus wants me to get a pedicure.

Sep 14, 2014, 9:18 PM.. Jesus, why does this Lincoln Towncar have hydraulics and look like it's in the yoga downward dog pose?

Sep 15, 2014, 6:50 AM.. Considering watching Criminal Minds this season for the...uh...plot.. That's a lie. Marry me, Shemar!

Sep 15, 2014, 8:10 PM.. This Colfax bus makes you grateful for the little things. This lady just announced to everyone that at her last dentist appointment, she had 14 teeth pulled.

My prayer today: So Jesus, thank you for, uh, my teeth?

Sep 16, 2014, 7:50 PM.. THIS guy on the bus (not even the Colfax bus) shows me his illegal brass knuckles and then tells me that he has friends in the Inca Boys (a Mexican gang in West Denver).. He says he's a good guy and that he'll protect me if he needs to. Thanks?

Sep 16, 2014, 9:08 PM.. Yo necesito pancakes.

Sep 17, 2014, 7:10 PM.. Overhearing this 24-year-old guy on the bus saying, Yeah, I'm a virgin. I ain't about to be no m*****f****r sleepin' wit no hoes. I ain't f****n with no b****s. I got 300 days of community service and I ain't smoked no weed in 5 years!

Good for you, boo.

Sep 17, 2014, 9:24 PM.. First back-to-school night is in the books! Had a translator for the first round of classroom visitors and then it was all me and my language skills for the rest of the night! I'm so proud of myself..AND I'm going home while the sun is setting. Praise Jesus.

Sep 17, 2014, 9:26 PM.. Bucketlist: Have a deep conversation with an active gang member about their life, how they developed their identity, and their decision to join a gang.

Check. #Colfax

Sep 18, 2014, 7:07 AM.. This other guy decides to inform the bus that he had to have facial reconstructive surgery and they peeled off his face and picked out all the pieces of bone out of his brain before stapling it back together...he also says his face is asymmetrical.

Me: Well, my face is asymmetrical, too.

Sep 18, 2014, 6:10 PM.. Had a run-in with the sidewalk today (see what I did there??). Idk about you but injuries like this during a run are SUPER sexy to me. So who wants to mail me a bandaid? I'll wait. I survived and it's slowly healing. It'll be fun to watch, I guess. Never found a bandaid cuz I'm a thug. :)

Sep 18, 2014, 7:56 PM.. Idk why you need 2 Galaxy S4s hanging out your back pocket..

#Colfax

Sep 19, 2014, 4:31 PM.. Got a heard everything is going well message out of the blue from my fine-for-NO-reason trainer on my way home! So I basically wrote my response back to him while walking through the aisles of David's Bridal and Target assembling my wedding registry.

Sep 19, 2014, 9:59 PM.. Not sure of the situation, but being a grown woman yelling and cussing someone out in a McDonald's parking lot at the decibel level where I can hear your word choice whilst driving 30 mph past as you carry on in a black B-cup bra and pants past your bottom and permed edges that didn't quite make your ponytail holder is not sexy. #Colfax

Sep 20, 2014, 8:51 AM.. Two blocks from my house is an eatery selling Pop-Tart ice cream sandwiches. Would ordering 16 of them to eat while watching New Girl season 3 make me fat?

Sep 20, 2014, 9:27 PM.. I'm really starting to despise carrots.

Sep 21, 2014, 8:11 AM.. You know you're a teacher when you find classroom manipulatives in your washing machine. #ELDtalkingchips

Sep 21, 2014, 9:30 AM.. Can't get out from under my covers! I've got 120 minutes worth of beautifying to do in 49 minutes...and I gotta clean the bathtub. In times like these, I wish I lived in France in the 1800s. *sigh*

Sep 21, 2014, 9:49 PM.. The only bad thing about not shaving often is that when you do, you miss a section the size of Brooklyn in a very obvious location. At least my hair and new dress look fabulous!

Sep 22, 2014, 6:34 AM.. Back on my TeamSexy diet tomorrow after carb binging on Oreos, shortbread cookies, pancakes, syrup, peach cobbler, sandwiches, and a DELICIOUS krautburger. Be prepared for much Facebook whining.

Sep 22, 2014, 6:41 PM.. I got a transcript in the mail and in the top left corner were the words Degree awarded August 2014.

Sep 23, 2014, 7:02 AM.. I was about to call child services on a kiddie cuz he had these awful looking marks on his face that were the size of cigarette butt burns. I pulled him aside and he didn't want to talk about it. Later, I saw him stuff some removable pencil erasers in his mouth and suction them to his face. So basically he had eraser-created hickies.. -_-

Sep 23, 2014, 7:06 PM.. Two days ago, one of my blessed kids decided to play with a loud timer he found by pushing buttons and setting it for 2 minute intervals while I was teaching. I confiscated it. While in the shower this morning, the timer goes off. Even in my home, he torments me.

Sep 23, 2014, 9:38 PM.. I REFUSE to pay $16.49 for a toilet bowl scrubber. Looks like my toilet will stay unscrubbed for another couple days. The devil.

Sep 25, 2014, 11:31 AM.. When you realize you have half a cinnamon roll in the fridge and tomorrow is your rest day from running... #happydance #sleepinginfor23extraminutes #mykneesarehappy #Jesuscreatedthecinnamonroll #ehbarhoshatay

Sep 25, 2014, 6:52 PM.. Quick! Somebody give me a complicated banking question so I can talk to this super fine teller!!

Sep 26, 2014, 7:45 PM.. Me: I really wish I could watch Scandal right now, but I don't have a TV!

Mom: Well, let me get off the phone so I can watch it and let you know what happens.. -_-

Sep 27, 2014, 2:00 PM.. If I find an available bachelor that looks like Jake Ballard up here in Denver, I'm gonna have his babies. **fans self**

Sep 27, 2014, 9:26 PM.. Who just fit into size 12 pants at The Limited AND bought them for $20?!?!?!!! Me! Winning on multiple flanks!

Sep 28, 2014, 12:48 PM.. Watched one of my piano videos from 2010ish and then I looked down at my hands...almost got in my feelings. Then I got mad cuz the webbed skin between my 3rd-4th and 4th-5th fingers are still hopelessly ashy. Nothing has changed. **sigh**

Sep 28, 2014, 6:02 PM.. Found my toilet bowl brush for $7.99. Approximately $4.99 more than I was happy to pay.

Sep 29, 2014, 8:58 PM.. Leaving apt.

Male Neighbor: OMG! Are you our new neighbor??

Me: Yep! So what do you do?

Neighbor: I run a non profit called Gays for Boobies.

Me in my head looking down at my shirt: Well great! Somebody's gotta love ‘em..

Sep 29, 2014, 9:21 PM.. Since I had a bowl of broccoli for breakfast, I'm gonna dine on a plate of Oreos for dinner. It only makes sense..

Oct 1, 2014, 4:39 PM.. WHO WEIGHS 189.0 pounds????!!!! --> ME!! <— For someone who thought she'd NEVER be under 200 and who has been working on getting to 190 for over 2 years, this is a BIG deal!

Oct 2, 2014, 3:48 PM.. Card didn't work so I went in to pay for my gas and the VERY handsome Ethiopian (2nd favorite men category on the Mother continent) man says, I love to help beautiful women like yourself!

**faints a little**

As I leave he says, Now that you have gas, you owe me dinner!

**passes out in car**

Oct 2, 2014, 10:12 PM.. Jenaya 1: Why did this guy speedily walk past this other guy and give him a small black fuzzy-looking package?

Jenaya 2: That fuzzy package was a pair of gloves. The other guy clearly needed some fuzzy gloves.

Jenaya 1: But WHY was he looking around like he was on surveillance as if he were trying not to get caught? Surely those gloves cost no more than $2..

Jenaya 3: Ugh. That was clearly a drug deal.

Jenaya 1 and Jenaya 2 in unison: Ooohhhh..

**end scene**

Oct 3, 2014, 10:57 AM.. Showed up to the door of the salty Bible study today at 7pm (after dark) and knocked. Nobody inside could figure out where the knock came from and thus didn't open the door. After I walked in and sat down, I realized why they were befuddled and nobody opened the door. CUZ NOBODY COULD SEE ME IN THE DARKNESS!! BWAAHAHHAHAA!!

Oct 3, 2014, 5:00 PM.. This lady in front of me just signed in at a professional event with her name and her email addy was 2sexxyJessica.. I feel like you need to get a new one if you want to be employed anywhere o_O

Oct 3, 2014, 6:55 PM.. I REALLY hope I'm wrong but I think this 50+ year old salty lady was blasting Beyoncé's Drunk In Love song at the stop light.

Lesson learned: Never underestimate old people.

Oct 3, 2014, 10:23 PM.. The Blacklist made me burn my dinner.

Oct 4, 2014, 1:03 PM.. I've set my new weight goal for my half birthday but need an incentive. Any ideas? It's going down on November 3rd..literally. I crack myself up.

Oct 4, 2014, 4:09 PM.. This tattoo removal store was called What Was I Inking?

Brilliant.

Oct 5, 2014, 11:45 AM.. Just finished twisting my hair after using green goop. My hair is long and I'm happy and mad. Who wants to do it next time in exchange for custom made jokes de Moi? I'll wait.

Oct 5, 2014, 3:06 PM.. I HATE breakfast food, but Snooze on Colorado Blvd. makes me very happy. Too bad the wait is 1 hour and 15 minutes..tragedy.

Oct 5, 2014, 7:15 PM.. You know you're in Colorado when… Churches provide gluten-free bread for communion. :)

Oct 6, 2014, 6:45 PM.. Just skimmed my new 88-page health insurance change document. Basically, I should never get sick, ask for a sucker from the receptionist at the doctor's office, or have a baby. **goes to check one-way ticket prices to Finland**

Oct 6, 2014, 8:05 PM.. EMERGENCY REQUEST: I need someone to tell me how to cook kinda crunchy bacon. Help me before I fall into a puddle of tears and desire.

Oct 7, 2014, 3:28 PM.. The Blacklist makes me never want to fall in love with cute White 4th grade male teachers with great facial hair...cuz he could be a secret agent with murder and espionage talents.

Oct 7, 2014, 7:19 PM.. Somebody mail me some Oreos..or Boris Kodjoe. Either will do.

Oct 8, 2014, 4:31 PM.. Wanna know what's better than 1 piece of bacon? 5.

Oct 9, 2014, 4:07 PM Saw this almost cute white guy at the bank and then 0.025 seconds later, smashed into the glass wall missing the door by a good 18 inches. Now my forehead, nose, and clavicle are sore. Proof that I'll never get a boyfriend.

Oct 9, 2014, 6:28 PM.. God's tears = Moroccan Argan Oil.

Oct 9, 2014, 7:23 PM..