Ocean Song Trilogy

By Maria Rachel Hooley

Strands of Mermaid Hair
There was once a girl child found after a thunderstorm amid a wash of shells and sea foam by Orsino, a grief-stricken king who’d only just buried his wife and unborn daughter. The king raised the child alongside his son, Orlando, dismissing the local belief she must be a mermaid. As the years passed, the girl grew into a beautiful young woman, the fairest in the land. As she grew, so did Orlando...and a love between them that even the changing tides could not break. She was never meant to be a princess but rather a woman to be loved by a prince.
While love's aim flies true, his timing fails the target. Even the strongest of romance is no match for war--this I promise you. For I am the mermaid child, and this is my story.

Skin of Silver, Eyes of Bright
Once, there was a young woman who fell so deeply in love with someone she could not have that she lost all hope, and in that despairing, she threw herself into the sea, wishing it would claim her. The sea is not to be toyed with or wished upon, but that is another story. What this young woman did not know, what she did not remember is that she already belonged to the sea. She was a mermaid princess who had long ago been transformed into a human. Yet the sea remembered her as her mother took her into the depths to unbreak a heart not meant to love a mortal. But love is not fickle. It is everlasting, and even an older promise to a merman who watched her from grow up from afar and loved her beyond measure could not change fate’s decree.

I should know. I was that long lost mer princess, and this is the story of my return to the mermaid realm.

Up from the Deep, Deep Dark
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who thought she would be a queen. In time, she might have married her prince and taken the throne beside him, but this princess did not know she was a mermaid turned human and that the realm she would rule would be the world of her birth, one her sister had long abandoned. She did not know her prince would be forced to marry another to save his kingdom from war. Most of all, she did not know that love is rarely a reason to do anything but that does not stop it from having the greatest power of all.

In order to rule, she would marry a merman in spite of loving her human prince and suffer great cruelty from her mother. But the crown would be hers when her mother died, murdered by human traitors. She would have to find a way to bring two races together to save not only the merman who was her husband but also the human she loved so deeply and dreamed so desperately to return to. And if she failed, she might yet be considered traitor to the mer in spite of her tail and both races would be lost to suffering.

In another’s eyes, this story would an endless love story, but for me, it was my life. I am Alannah of the humans and Halelannah of the mer.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Maria Rachel Hooley
• Release date: Aug 20, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005852993

Maria Rachel Hooley

Maria Rachel Hooley is the author of over forty novels, including When Angels Cry and October Breezes. Her first chapbook of poetry was published by Rose Rock Press in 1999. She is an English teacher who lives in Oklahoma with her three children and husband. She loves reading, and if she could live in a novel, it would be Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn.

Book preview

Chapter 1

The sea was my first world, or so Orsino had told me. Yet even now, as the tang of salt filled me while I stood on the beach, I couldn’t remember my first moments here. Gulls circled lazily overhead, sometimes dipping into the rolling waves before returning skyward. As far as I could see, there was only water and sand, save for the castle, rising imposingly towards the heavens.

The air was warm—far warmer than comfortable in this dress. Staring down at the brocaded fabric over a cotton petticoat, I longed for the days when I was smaller and could get away with wearing a much simpler dress, something without all the satin and splendor—the silk and suffering all ladies of high grace were expected to endure. And in those days, Orlando was always there, too—still too young for princely duties which would take him far from this realm, far from me.

The crash of the waves against rocks down the shore lured me back to the present, and I kicked off my shoes, determined that if I couldn’t have the freedom of the past, I’d at least allow myself the only pleasure I could afford now—walking barefoot.

I smiled and lifted the bottom of the dress to mid-calf length before scurrying toward the water’s edge, or at least as much scurrying as I did in a stupid corset, something I even hated far more than the dresses.

Staring out at the water, I remembered the story Orsino had told me night after night as he’d tuck me in. When I was four r five, Orsino had found me lying in the wave’s residue, completely naked and calm as I stared at the bright sun, mesmerized like I’d never seen it before. My eyes, he’d said, were the color of the water just after a storm. In time, he’d expected them to change, but they never had, and my hair was a deep auburn like burned copper in dying sunlight.

He said he scoured the beach, trying to find who might have left me, and yet there was no one, almost as though the ocean itself had offered me to him.

That’s a load of nonsense, Orlando would say, leaning against the doorway, his arms folded at his chest. His hair would slip into his eyes until he’d push it back, determined not to let it get in the way. Oceans don’t just spit out children!

Think what you’d like, Orsino would reply, cocking his head to the side. He’d not look at his son but instead at me, the daughter he’d always wanted, but his queen—Orlando’s mother—had died trying to give birth to one. The ocean gave her to me. I sent out proclamations far and wide offering gold so I might return her to her family. Yet none would claim her.

Glancing up and down the beach, I tried to imagine Orsino finding me here, on a beach where even my footprints washed away in the relentless waves, but I couldn’t. To my adopted father’s credit, he did offer a generous reward. The usual charlatans came forward with unfounded truths, and once Orsino weeded through their lies, he kept looking for the truth.

He never found it. So, I became his daughter—a royal child not born of royal blood. That wasn’t the worst of what I was called. No, when word of how I was found spread, with it came all the stories—a new lexicon of myths dealing with mermaids and witches. Someone even thought perhaps the dryads had something to do with it, but all the mystical folk kept their silence, too, so I was raised as a human child, and in that human body, I had a heart that failed me from the start.

Oh, it worked just fine, healthy and regular, but it beat for all the wrong reasons, and in that beating, it betrayed me. How it betrayed me.

Don’t think on it, I told myself, pushing the hair from my eyes. Granted, the length of it was fashioned into elaborate braids—just one part of the ritual that took half the morning to complete. Still, those strands were as rebellious as my heart, slipping free and twisting in the air as though nothing could bind them. I envied my hair.

Frustrated, I darted deeper into the ocean, letting the water touch my knees. Clearly the waves also soaked the hem of my dress, something Amelie would scold me for, I’m sure, but right then I didn’t care. The waves reminded me I was free today from castle walls and mannered lectures about how a cultured princess would act.

A lady definitely wouldn’t want pants, I said, shaking my head.

You’ve never wanted anything else, a deep voice mused, startling me.

I turned quickly, expecting a guard, but instead, Orlando stood there. He wore dark breeches and a white shirt that laced in front. The blousy sleeves were half-way rolled up his forearms, revealing leather bracers, and he folded those arms across his massive chest. He cocked his head to the side and offered a half-smile I’d come to know so well, the same one that made my traitorous heart beat even faster.

Don’t do this to yourself, that faraway voice commanded. He is your brother. That is all he will ever be.

I hated that voice and all it represented, and without giving one moment’s pause, I ran to Orlando and threw myself toward him, knowing that his arms would open and receive me. I watched them reach out, catching me. I felt them pull me close so that the side of my face crushed against his chest, blocking everything but the frantic beat of his heart.

For a few lost seconds, we stayed like that, locked in each other’s embrace—my favorite place in all the world. Then we slowly parted, albeit with much reluctance on my part.

I can’t believe you’re really here, I said, my voice breathless with excitement and tears I had to frantically blink away.

In all the years I’d grown up beside Orlando, he’d never seen me cry. I’d locked my tears in a treasure box, and in this moment, as I started to blink rapidly, I vowed that he wouldn’t see them now, either, wouldn’t know that I’d become such a foolish seventeen-year-old girl. It didn’t matter that I had become such a thing or that his leaving had triggered most of the tears I’d ever shed. I didn’t want him to know that.

I told you I’d be back soon, he murmured, trying to look into my eyes while I desperately ducked away.

You can’t always predict how things will turn out, I said, trying to ease my body away from his, knowing that was probably the only way to keep my emotions hidden.

Alannah? He gently wrapped his fingers around my shoulder and forced me to face him. To my great horror, then I felt his fingers dab at the tears I hadn’t had a chance to wipe away myself. What’s this? His voice was soft…kind even, so unlike the boy who would one day be king and never ever let me forget it.

It’s nothing. I jerked from his grip and savagely wiped my face clean, my emotions suddenly remembering to hide now as embarrassment kicked in. Although I tried not to look into his amber eyes, they found me, burning with such intensity that made me catch my breath.

Nothing? He frowned. Oh really? He scrutinized me, and I didn’t understand why. What was he looking for?

Yes, really! I snapped, suddenly angry, not just at me for being so stupidly female but for him for making me feel too much.

Funny, I could swear you were crying. Like a girl.

Not likely! I huffed, batting at his arm. As usual, I couldn’t hit hard enough to make him move or react. I just had something in my eyes. That’s all. I don’t cry. You know that.

You’re even hitting like a girl these days, he teased, now laughing. And your dress. He waved his hand up and down at it. Just look at that. He’ll make a fine lady out of you one day, and then where will you be?

Growling, I shoved at him, hating every word he said. When he didn’t flinch from the first push, I launched myself at him even harder.

I can still take you down like when we were kids!

That made him laugh louder. I thought he might actually double over from it while rage bubbled up deep inside of me. I knew he must have seen my red face, but he failed to take it for what it was—the only warning I could give him, and when at last I couldn’t stand the sound of his laughter anymore, I threw my whole body at him with all the force I could manage.

The moment our chests collided, I knew my mistake for what it was. Granted, I managed to knock us both forward, but neither Orlando nor I had any control. We were falling blindly. One of my hands caught his wrist, but the other was empty as it reached around his side while Orlando used that hand to break our fall.

He hit softly, and before I even moved, he rolled over. In a flash, he straddled me and braced my hands above my head, holding them with one hand.

Let me go! I yelled, squirming under his body weight, but my frantic movements yielded nothing. His grip around my wrists remained unrelenting. In other words, I wasn’t going anywhere until he deemed it best, and I could tell by his devil-may-care expression that it might be awhile.

I thought you said you could take me, he said smugly.

I can! I snapped. It’s this stupid dress. It makes everything difficult. And at that moment, I wasn’t kidding. Under that stupid dress was also the stupid corset, and with Orlando sitting on my midsection, I labored to take in enough air, which only made my struggles all the weaker.

Of course, it is, he mused in a placating tone. Let’s blame it on the dress, not the fact that I’m about six inches taller than you and sixty or seventy pounds heavier.

Get off, I gasped, suddenly really struggling.

He leaned close and whispered in my ear. Say ‘Please, your majesty.’

I had no choice. Either I was going to say what he wanted, or I was going to pass out. Please, your majesty.

As you like. He got up easily and watched me for a moment.

Although I needed to sit up, I was light-headed, and it occurred to me I might pass out anyway. It must have occurred to Orlando as well because he quickly bent over and hoisted me up.

Are you all right, Alannah? His arm draped around me protectively as I gasped for air. What happened?

Nothing that removing a stupid corset won’t fix, I wheezed.

For a second his arm went slack around me, and then the grip tightened all the more.

I never meant to hurt you, he whispered, his contrite tone far from its former haughtiness. I was only playing. I saw you crying, and I thought perhaps riling you up might distract you from whatever hurt. He cast his gaze downward, and I felt his lips brush my forehead, lingering for a few seconds.

I leaned against his chest, hating that he’d seen so deeply into me. I had no defenses against him.

It’s not your fault, I whispered. When last you saw me, I had successfully managed not to wear a stupid corset, and if I were the queen, I’d banish them for good. As I’m not maybe you could take up the cause for me.

In spite of feeling guilty, Orlando laughed, and the echoes of it rumbled through me. Somehow, I don’t think Father would offer his alliance on such a cause, my lady. No, I fear he would simply take the enemy’s side, so alas, I must pass, as well. Can you ever forgive me?

Although part of me knew he was playing, I wondered by the solemn expression on his face, if he were also apologizing for hurting me. Part of Orlando was like a deep river that suddenly dropped off to depths untold. There wasn’t an easy way to know what he felt unless he gave words to such emotions.

That always made it hard to love him so much, not just because I was his adopted sister, but also because of his silence I couldn’t breach. Only he knew what lay in his heart. Was he as doomed as I with his feelings pitted against a future neither of us wanted? I didn’t know. I wouldn’t ask him either, partly because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know and partly because I wasn’t sure knowing would make a difference.

Unsure of his words and his heart, I forced a smile and answered his question. Why, my prince, of course I can forgive you. There is nothing you could do that I would not forgive.

Ever the diplomat, he sighed. I think perhaps we should get you up and off this beach or Amelie will skin me for letting you muss up such a beautiful dress.

Without waiting for my response, he eased himself to his feet and then offered a hand so that I, too, could rise, and I did, in spite of all the fabric and petticoats obviously in my way. I was pretty sure that ladies were only meant to stand and be admired with such dresses on. Anything else was far too much trouble, I realized almost stumbling, which made Orlando laugh again.

Are you quite sure you’re ready for that dress?

No, I admitted. But somehow father seems to think I am, and he’s the king, so I’m rather stuck.

Perhaps I can convince him they are a menace to your health. He shook his head and continued to laugh.

Does father know you’ve returned? Once on my feet, I started trying to dust sand from my dress. I could only imagine how I must look to him with my hair slipping out of the braids and my dress all sandy. I’ll never be the lady Father wants, I think. Perhaps he should just quit trying so hard to make me what I’m not. Still, deep down, I knew father would never give up in that endeavor. Never.

No. I came out here first, figuring this is where I’d find you. Something about the water, little mermaid. He smiled and pointed to my dress. Would you like some help?

Yes, thank you. I was still smiling about my old nickname. Somehow, when he called me that, it felt right, like all the years that had somehow come between us melted away.

And then I felt his hands lightly brushing off the sand. Once or twice, his fingers lingered, and I straightened up and stood perfectly still, savoring his palm against my skin. It was such a stupid small thing, I knew, but the feel of him touching me always merited the same reaction. It probably always would. No matter how diligently I tried to tell myself it shouldn’t be like this, it didn’t change what was in my heart. I didn’t know how to change that. It wasn’t like untying a ribbon from a braid and shaking the hair free--not unless that hair had been bound in the same braid for years and even after you pulled it free, the strands only remembered being bound to one another so that they were forever crimped and changed. Freedom was an illusion. There was only one way for me to feel, only one person I could ever love. My heart didn’t know what was right or wrong. It did not ask for any of this. It, too, was braided well.

Yes, that was probably more like what was in my heart except there was no ribbon to pull free in hopes of changing anything.

There. You look pretty clean to me. He walked around me, probably still looking for sand. But when our eyes met, I knew that wasn’t what he searched for at all. I just wished I knew what it was. I wished I knew him half as well as he knew me. I’d risk swimming in the depths of his heart, knowing the truth could drown me. If only he’d ask.

Thank you, I said, reaching for my shoes. Yes, my feet were sandy, but I still forced my toes into them, knowing that Father wouldn’t handle bare feet. It wasn’t that Orsino was blind to the little insubordinations I engaged in on a daily basis. I had no doubt he knew about them well enough. I just thought he was rationalizing them away as small things that needed no attention. He knew I loved and honored him as best I could even if parts of me were as wild as the ocean I supposedly came from, and I knew he loved me like the daughter he so wanted but never could have had.

You’re welcome. The hair fell into his eyes and he pushed it away.

I looked at him, at the way the light seemed to halo his head and how it caught the dark brown strands turning them a deep red. His skin was dark, obviously tanned, and he was beautiful. So beautiful. It was all I could manage just to look away.

As we walked, Orlando slipped his arm through mine and then latched onto my fingers, the same way he did when we were children. In that moment, as my breath caught, I realized it felt nothing like when we were so much younger. We would laugh then, but now, there was no laughter. I just felt the heat of his palm against mine before the fingers closed snugly around my hand, reminding me of how large his was in comparison to mine, and his grip was strong and sure, as though nothing could shake him—something I envied because I didn’t think I’d ever feel that sure.

So, tell me, I said, trying to break the silence that felt almost possessive. What did you find on this patrol?

I didn’t want to know about any of this. I just needed the distraction so I didn’t trip over my own feelings and let something else stupid slip, something that I couldn’t take back once it had been spoken.

He took a deep breath. Nothing good, Alannah. While most kingdoms support Father, there are a few who do not like him, and at least one which is dangerously close to lashing out in war. I don’t think they have enough soldiers to choose that option, but the seeds of insurrection have been sewn nevertheless, and it’s probably just a matter of time before they have enough manpower so as to strike out at last and force us to answer in battle.

All this time, he kept looking ahead, his voice patiently neutral as he spoke of an oncoming war that we probably couldn’t avoid—a war that would put him and my father into battle where they might die. My stomach dropped at such a thought and I wanted to go back moments ago, to erase the turn things had just taken.

Is there nothing which can be done to avoid this future? I whispered, afraid if I spoke too loudly, the answer would be no.

He shook his head. I don’t know. It’s one of many things I will have to discuss with Father. He no more relishes the idea of war than you or I, but he will do whatever must be done, as will I. Again, he wasn’t looking at me. He just kept staring straight ahead, his mouth fixed in a frown I could not read about a future I wasn’t sure we could avoid.

How was it that only moments ago I thought a broken heart to be the worst thing I faced. Now, in light of this news, I realized how much worse it could get. The thought of Orlando never being mine seemed the most horrible thing which could happen, but what if he died in war? How could I survive that grief? How could I live with it?

My whole body stiffened, and I shivered. Immediately Orlando slipped his arm around me and gave a gentle squeeze. The world isn’t ending Alannah, no matter how much you think it feels like it is. There’s always a way through the darkness. We just have to find it.

He was so strong, so confident, so unshakeable. This was why, one day when Orsino was lost to all of us, Orlando would be the best king this land had ever seen.

I wanted to believe him, wanted to believe my world was as safe as it had always been, but something felt wrong, like the tide was shifting, becoming more violent. Of course, my fears might mean nothing. I knew how to read the ocean. I could sense the course the tide would take and when there was a danger in the currents. Even my father had learned to listen to me when it came to having his ships at sea. More than once I’d saved lives by reading the water, something that came so easily for me. Yet others were blinded by the flash of sun on the water’s surface.

My blindness came from somewhere else. It was men I could not read. Their words did not a truth make, and while many were good like my father, like Orlando, it didn’t mean I understood them any better. I just had to trust the future and hope all that swelled like violent tides in the hearts of men subsided somehow. But trust...trust had never been easy for me.

Orlando? I whispered, and we both stopped walking. I felt his fingers at my waist where he still held me. I wanted this moment never to end. The world around us was caught just as the sun started to set, churning orange and red into the horizon. We were both bathed in that bloody light and yet because it was one moment with him, the only moment I’d had in the last few months, I found it beautiful in spite of talk about war and destruction amid the uncertain future.

What is it? he asked, his voice low, too. I could feel it thrumming through his body, and that comforted me.

I’m so glad you’re home. I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed you, too. Another kiss atop my head. It didn’t matter that it was more like what a brother would offer. I’d take it. Whatever he offered, I would not refuse. I couldn’t. My heart wouldn’t allow it.

Chapter 2

That night I tried to lie down and drift to dreams, but my mind kept spinning—kept replaying my father’s reaction as Orlando relayed news of his travels. I lay there for an hour at least before finally drifting off. Even then my scattered mind turned to a dreamworld where a battle raged on the beach. Bloody, mutilated bodies decorated the landscape by the castle. Yet that was not what drove me to wakefulness. No, besides the men fighting, Orlando among them, I saw great ripples in the sea, forcing my attention toward its depths.

For a moment, there was nothing. Then, as I stared, I saw a woman: someone with copper hair a shade lighter than mine, hair so bright, it cast a surreal glow in the water.

Who is that? I wondered, staring at her face. In that moment, the dream seemed to spin closer, allowing me a clearer view of her features, convincing me I’d seen her before.

Alannah, she whispered, her voice stretched like tufts of cotton.

She sank below the depths, leaving me to the sounds of clashing swords and dying men. Turning, I looked and found body after body, but I couldn’t find Orlando—either among the living or the dead.

Orlando? I called, whirling, desperately searching.

He is gone, someone said. I found an exhausted fighter whose mail was bloody and dented. I wanted more information, but he said nothing. Had Orlando just vanished, or was he among the fallen?

What do you mean? I shouted, striding closer. Take me to him!

The soldier shook his head and cast down his weapon. I cannot, my lady. He is beyond you.

That was what woke me. He is beyond you, I heard that voice saying it over and over. Perhaps truer words had never been spoken.

I opened my eyes to moonlight streaming in at my window. While the air should have been warm, the night carried a chill. I shivered even as I climbed out of bed, donning a robe as I stole through the castle, deftly avoiding any guards—a skill Orlando had helped me develop when I was a child. Although the shadows pretty much hid me, it was harder to sneak down to the beach than I thought, probably because since Orlando had returned, the number of guards had been increased to protect my father. While we didn’t expect an immediate attack, it would be folly not to think one would come. The way Orlando had phrased it, it was probably just a matter of time.

Although I wore the robe over the gown, the chill coming off the water seemed overpowering, making me shiver. I didn’t understand what I was doing out there, only that I couldn’t shake the strange dream. I didn’t know what I expected to find, and the landscape was happy to oblige, giving me stillness. Only the sound of the waves crashing in at the shore upset the quiet, but even that was not overwhelming.

Moonlight glinted off the water like stardust as I gazed out, looking for the woman I’d seen in my dreams. It was a stupid thing to do, I knew, but she had seemed so real I just couldn’t shake her. While most of the water was dark, I figured that if she were, for some strange reason, out there, I would find her immediately because of that fiery mane.

How had she known my name?

The water was empty, I realized, folding my arms across my chest more to keep warm than anything else, but it didn’t stop me from shivering. I wasn’t sure anything would, for the chill I carried stemmed from the uncertain future I faced—a future in which Orlando was beyond me.

As I scanned the beach, images from my dreams kept flashing into my head, and everywhere I looked, I saw blood and bodies—my childhood home transformed. I had thought that perhaps coming out here would bring me peace, but it would seem there was none of that to be found, no matter where I searched. It, too, had slipped away.

Turning ever so slightly, I glanced toward the castle, wondering if Orlando were still awake and if not, what he might have found in his dreams. Had war come to him as it had to me or did I perhaps flicker through his thoughts? I didn’t know. Such was another question I hadn’t the nerve to ask.

The cold was getting to me. I yet shivered, unable to shake the chill from my bones, which is what drove me to head back, trying as best I could to keep out of sight. The last thing I wanted was to be shot by one of the guards who had no patience with intruders. Yes, I knew some like that, and it would have been easy to tell my father and have them dismissed, but even the most careless guards still had families, so I didn’t. I couldn’t harden my heart enough for that.

I’d almost made it back undetected, and I looked back over my shoulder, trying to make sure no one had stolen behind me but found only darkness. Turning, however, I bumped into someone.

Alannah? What are you doing out?

I stumbled back, immediately realizing it was my father.

I…came out to take a walk and clear my head. That sounded foolish even to my own ears, no matter how true it was.

Silly girl, he chided softly, taking one of my elbows. Did you not hear a word your brother said about how dangerous it is for you to be unattended.

Of course, I heard. I just didn’t think. The wind blew hair in my face, and I shoved it back with nervous fingers. I’m sorry.

If anything happened to you…. His voice died away, and I knew he couldn’t bear to finish the thought. Of all the things I didn’t understand about my father, the fact that he loved me wasn’t one of them. I knew how he felt, and that only made my feelings for Orlando that much more difficult. How could I betray him? How could I betray my heart? There was no way to be the child he thought I was.

I’m fine Father. I’ll be more careful. I leaned against him, savoring his embrace like I had at a much younger age. Why are you out here? Surely I did not wake you. At once, I was both embarrassed and horrified by the thought. Could I have woken the whole kingdom with my foolishness?

It wasn’t you, he murmured. My soul is not at peace, and I need to journey to the one place that will make it so.

May I come?

He nodded solemnly and took my hand, Of course, child. I have no secrets from you.

At first, I couldn’t imagine where we might be headed at such a late hour. Dawn was still hours from greeting us, so I didn’t understand, especially when we passed the house and kept going. It wasn’t until he led me to the small sanctuary which held his wife’s grave that I understood. I’d heard that he came here often, but I’d never really thought of it as something he’d considered peaceful. Most people didn’t view death that way, especially when it involved losing someone they had loved so very well for so very long, but my father was not most people.

He started toward a bench just in front of the tomb, and I stopped walking, suddenly wondering whether I should be here. To me, this woman was a grave.

It’s all right, child, he said, trying to lead me toward the bench, but I shook my head.

I’d rather just wait here and give you time with your queen.

My father, a man far taller than I, stooped beneath the weight of grief. Silver was just starting to weave its magic at his temples. He’d reached the age of distinction, and he’d done it alone, with no beloved to guide his journey into night. Such was a sad fate for anyone, but it’s all the sadder when one knew and loved the person.

All right, he agreed, his gaze drifting to the tomb. Yes, he was speaking to me, but I had the distinct impression that part of him—the most important part—was already at the grave with her.

He slipped past, and it was then I noticed how haggard his expression seemed, as though time itself were catching up to him, and he had no choice in how it had altered his world. As I watched him sink wearily onto the bench, I wondered what he might have been like before her death had eclipsed his future and transformed him. Had he laughed since that pain? I’d never heard him, and now, with this new threat hanging over the kingdom, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to--a great shame really because I could tell so much about a man by what made him laugh and the way that laughter sounded once set free.

It seemed like forever that he sat there, drawing what comfort he could from a woman who’d been dead so long he probably didn't remember many things about her. Still, the heart had a tendency not to forget what or who it loved. If I believed anything at all about my father, I believed that he loved her very, very much.

Come sit with me, Alannah, he said, his voice thinner, sounding like anything but the commanding king he was. There was a difference between ruling a country and raising children. Orlando and I must have been his greatest weakness, rather like the underbelly of a dragon. It was one thing for his country to be overshadowed by tragedy but another for the people closest to him to suffer its fate.

As you like, I finally agreed, stumbling a little as I made my way to offer what comfort I could.

I rested both hands in my lap. Yet my father sought one out and took it into his. Although he sat there, right in front of her grave, he did not fix his gaze on it. Rather, he stared at some point above as though even he realized she wasn’t there. It was just the last place her body had come, so it was all he had.

I wish you could have known her, he whispered. She would have adored you.

Perhaps she would have, I thought, but would she have been so agreeable to taking me in because they would have had his own little girl and I would have been…an extra, not the daughter he clung to in the darkness of grief. I’d been a changeling to replace his daughter, yet I believed without doubt he loved me like the child he’d lost.

I would have liked that, I said, the words fumbling as they came out, but the truth was, I wasn’t so sure I would have felt that way at all because that might have meant I never would have known Orlando, which seemed impossible—my worst nightmare because as hard as it would be never to be able to love him as I wanted, to never have met him? That was inconceivable.

Does coming here bring you much comfort? I asked, well aware it was probably a stupid question, but I couldn’t help it. Had I known who my parents were, and had I known if they were dead, I’m not sure I would find any solace in visiting their remains. You can’t console the living with the dead.

Sometimes, he shrugged. No, not really. He sighed, and his shoulders sank in quiet resignation. Truthfully, as the king, this is the only place I can shut out the world and let the present and past just be without implication or shadow of the future.

And what has brought you here tonight? I whispered, leaning my head on his shoulder.

With so much unrest surrounding me, how could I sleep?

He narrowed his gaze as though lost in thought, and I could tell by his frown he was troubled. He understood that the tide was turning and everything he’d worked so hard to maintain, including peace, might be washed away at the whim of the water on the sand.

I could say what he always told me—that worry wouldn’t change anything--but I was worried too, so I said nothing, afraid the inequality of my heart would give itself away if I spoke what I felt. I’ve never been good at hiding things or lying. Orsino knew that, and sooner or later, he’d pick up on how I felt about his son, if he hadn’t already.

Many dark days are coming, Alannah, and I’m afraid those days will force me to make choices I would otherwise avoid, hard choices for all concerned.

I took a deep breath, waiting for him to say more, but he’d drifted into silence, and I realized it was probably because he didn’t want to give words to things for fear of their truths.

Why are you still awake? he asked, leaning his cheek against the top of my head. What drove you to the sea this night?

I lifted my hand and rubbed the back of my neck. My body was starting to protest. Before Orlando’s return, I thought the world was at peace because that’s all I’ve ever known. Now, it’s all messed up and I can’t change it, even though I want to.

I guess that means you’re growing up. His tone was sad.

Do you think it’s possible I could dream about my mother? That somewhere, even now, she’s out there, alive and watching over me from a distance?

His frown deepened, and he paused before answering. You were awfully young when I found you on the beach. I don’t know how someone so small managed to survive, but you did, and as much as you want to remember, I don’t think you do.

I straightened. A good point, but why did I dream of the woman in the water. But what if I’m dreaming about her?

Sometimes when we want answers, if we can’t find them, we make them because it’s better than trying to live with gaping holes in our lives. He looked at his wife’s grave. I didn’t think you gave much thought to the time before you came to me.

I didn’t know what to say because, to him, that past was a dead thing. To me, somewhere, buried in all those years, it was still alive, and as much as I loved Orsino and as much as he had treated me like his daughter, there was a hole—one that would never be filled—so maybe he was right about the dreams. Maybe they were my way of filling in the gaps.

For the next few moments, a silence passed between us. Neither of us could do anything about the future we faced, and pretty soon, I felt my eyes closing as sleep came.

It was only when my head rolled forward that I jolted awake to see Orsino rise and lift me in his arms.

You don’t have to carry me, Father, I said, my voice slurred. Where were we, and how long had we been sitting there? I wondered but didn’t give it much thought as sleep tugged at me anew, persuading me to rest my head just below Orsino’s chin and let the blackness take me.

Chapter 3

My world had changed since Orlando had returned. Normally, I would’ve been excited to have him home and we would be inseparable, at least for a few days, but this time, after that first day, I hadn’t seen much of him. Orsino and Orlando had closeted themselves behind closed door, trying to come up with a plan to handle the dangers our kingdom faced—the treasonous faction to our south that was building up its army.

The number of guards had doubled, and I found myself constantly watched. When once I could’ve slipped away unnoticed to the beach and enjoyed the water, now it seemed that guards constantly surrounded me, and I couldn’t breathe.

Finally, after about a week, I couldn’t take it anymore. It was like I might as well have fallen off the edge of the earth because while I was the third most watched person in the kingdom—also one of the most greatly protected--I was also the most avoided. Only the guards seemed to know where I was at all times.

As such, I grabbed the least frilly dress I could find that would allow me to ride. Of course, if I didn’t want to go side-saddle, I was going to have to hitch it up, but it was the best I could manage, and I was determined to get a break.

I had decided to escape—if only for the afternoon. At least two guards followed me as I made my way to the stables, and once again Orlando was nowhere to be found. He had probably been sent on yet another mission and forgotten to tell me goodbye.

My father was in court, weighing in on whatever disputes required his attention. I’d heard it said he ruled with a great fairness his predecessors had lacked, but I had no basis of comparison as to the skill and ability of those who had come before. I did know he was a remarkably intuitive man when it came to trying to handle even the most difficult situations.

As I headed for the stable, one of the guards, a man named Whaley, stepped up to meet me. Would you like me to saddle a horse for you?

I waved him away. That’s all right. I can manage.

I don’t mind. I could tell I was making him nervous just by the way his shoulders had stiffened into a hard line. It’s been a while, and I feel out of practice.

Of course.

With that, I headed into the stable. He remained just outside, waiting for me to exit once I’d put the saddle on the horse, but, if I were lucky, he’d be waiting a very long time and only figure out I’d gone long after I’d slipped out the back door.

With that in mind, I tried to hurry, my gaze constantly drifting between what my fumbling fingers were doing and the door, always expecting someone to come in, yet no one did. The guards were in place to keep me safe from traitors not myself. Yes, I’d done some foolish things, but this went far beyond foolish, or at least that was how my father would probably put it once he found out.

Luck, it would seem, was on my side as I eased open the back door and headed out. For a couple of moments, I led the horse on foot, hoping not to give myself away. Then, I mounted and rushed off, knowing I didn’t have much, if any time.

A mile or so ahead, I knew there was a forest. I’d passed through it many times and played in it many more, in spite of my father proclaiming I was a princess and should spend my time in other, more ladylike pursuits.

As I urged the horse to speed up, I kept stealing glances behind, trying to see if anyone followed, and somehow the answer was always no, which made me smile. I felt giddy in a way that I hadn’t felt in months—as though a weight were lifting, and I were leaving behind all the things I couldn’t fix or change.

I reveled in that momentary bliss, aware that all too soon it could be taken from me. Ahead lay the forest depths where I knew I’d be safe. Still, I kicked the horse, making him run faster, at least until I’d made it safely into the shadowy trees among which I’d find numerous spots to hide until I was ready to come out.

I knew the guards would follow, so I steered the horse off the well-trodden path and headed toward a small cave only I knew about. Yes, my father’s guards were pretty skilled trackers, but I didn’t think they’d find me there, not when the ground was so hard from the heat that my horse would leave no tracks.

A few moments later, I found the cave and led the horse inside. The entrance wasn’t easy to find amid all the brush. Even I had to look hard, but once inside, that made me feel better because, if I had difficulties, the guards were only going to have more.

Although the cave was dim, a bit of sunlight poured in through the space where I’d entered--enough to keep me company. The silence was welcome, giving me a chance to empty my thoughts.

While I did feel comforted by the isolation, there was one person I longed to see—Orlando—but that was nothing new. I thought of him all the time, wishing he were near to help me navigate the deep and unsettled waters of my heart. Would he know the way through them any better than I did? Would he be angry at what he found?

I didn’t know. I could never know unless I spoke the words hidden in those waters, and then there would be no way to take them back, for good or ill.

The sound of galloping horses stirred me from my thoughts, and I sat up, my breath catching. Part of me wanted to creep over to the entrance so I could peek out, but I knew better. My horse was quiet, and I was well hidden, so this was the best spot. Anything else, and I might give away my position.

I sat as still as a stone, waiting. More horses. Still, I found comfort in the fact that the galloping didn’t wane. The riders—at least two or three of them by the sounds of their hooves--maintained their speed past the cave’s entrance.

Let them go away, I prayed in a shaky whisper. When news reached my father, he’d probably go insane with fear. I could always turn around and head home, but I wasn’t ready. There were so many things I wasn’t prepared to face, and being so close to Orlando only made the feelings I had for him all the more intense and binding. In loving him I was watching the years stretch out in front of me long and hard. I would always be alone because there was no one else I could ever imagine wanting to spend my life with.

Once the sound of the horses’ thundering hooves faded, I forced myself to tiptoe to the entrance and peer out. Gratefully, I found myself alone.

I slowly exhaled, unaware I’d been holding my breath and how tight my chest was. Although part of me wanted to grab the horse right then and take off, I figured that wasn’t in my best interest. I needed to stay put for a little longer, and with any luck the guards would ride in some other direction. Yes, this would definitely cause my father to punish me, but what could he do that was worse than being locked up in a kingdom soon to be at war. The whole time I would be just sitting there with everyone ignoring me.

It seemed as though time stood still, waiting with me. I couldn’t tell how long I stood there. No horses. No guards. Sensing that such was just as good an opportunity as any, I took the reins and started out. I gave the area around the entrance one last glance before mounting the horse and riding, knowing there was an embankment along the river, one that seemed to come from out of nowhere if you weren’t expecting it, but I had grown up in these woods, so I had memorized much of the terrain, giving me a distinct advantage over the guards who didn’t come out here unless they had to.

Hiking my dress up higher on my legs so I could ride more easily, I urged the horse toward the embankment. It was another place I often came to think. No matter how twisted or unpredictable things seemed, this place could help me sort out the tangles in my life and give me hope. That’s what I needed right now—to feel that something beyond me could mend the tattered pieces of my torn universe.

The embankment which overlooked the water wasn’t far ahead when I realized there was another rider behind me. I couldn’t tell right away who it might be—I just saw the flash of color on his clothing and realized he was from my home, and he was out here looking for me.

Well, he wasn’t going to find me. I’d make sure. This freedom had been hard-won, and I wasn’t giving up. I urged the horse to speed up, as fast as I could manage with all the trees around us and uneven ground below. Luckily, my father had taught me how to ride, giving me a chance to weave into the brush a little closer as I tried to lose my follower.

If I were a skilled rider, this man, unfortunately, could have been my teacher. He, too, was riding at a break-neck speed, that, for a less-talented horseman, would definitely have proven dangerous. He never slowed, always staying the course and even managing to catch up.

That made me ride faster. Suddenly, as my horse reached the clearing where the embankment was, I realized speeding up was not really in my best interest, but it was too late to change course. Unless I wanted to stop and greet the guard so he could take me home, my only choice was to ride on and hope I could weather the terrain.

Alannah, stop!

The voice was breathless and frustrated. I would have given it much more attention had my horse not suddenly bucked. I should have been prepared, but I wasn’t.

As the horse reared, my fingers slipped, and those reins passed from my grip altogether. That wouldn’t have been so bad, really, but the problem was that, when I slipped from the horse, I found myself right at the land’s edge, unable to stop, screaming as I rolled.

The drop wasn’t a sharp incline, which saved my life, I’m sure, but as momentum built, I found that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from tumbling toward the river, rocks bruising and cutting into me as I plummeted. My ribs slammed into a large stone which should have stopped me but didn’t. Instead, it left a sharp pain that burned with my every breath. No longer did I scream. I couldn’t. My dress caught on many things on the way down, ripping.

Alannah! I heard the guard cry again, panicked, but the voice seemed far away, as though we two were in different worlds.

The spinning made me sick, and when I finally smacked into a rock large enough to keep me from going into the water, I grunted and promptly threw up while I cried from the pain in my ribs. I’d probably broken something.

So much for finding peace. Whatever peace I might have had, and it wasn’t much, had gone out the window along with my pride, and despite my pain and humiliation, I was still going to have to answer to my father.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I heard the telltale rumble of thunder announcing a coming storm. Great. Hadn’t it been sunny just a few minutes ago? The sky answered the thought by dousing me.

You can’t stay here all day, Alannah, I hissed to myself and tried to sit up.

The pain splintered through me, forcing me to lie back. Rain or not, I couldn’t move without crying out.

Alannah! The voice was closer. My faithful pursuer would be here any moment. That’s when I started to cry. Maybe it was from the pain, but I also think it had something to do with the hurt I tried to bury. That was what I felt when I thought about a future I couldn’t share with Orlando, and if I’d been honest with myself, I’d have known this stupid outing wouldn’t ease my heart. Some emotions couldn’t be banished no matter what was done to drive them out.

Alannah. His voice came out like a relieved prayer. Maybe the guard thought my father would skin him if he didn’t return with me. That would explain the relief. Are you hurt? The voice was close, and when I looked up, I saw the lone figure above. He looked larger than life, yet I couldn’t see his face because, at that moment, a bolt of lightning as bright as the sun flashed behind him, backlighting his form and blinding me.

My ribs, I whimpered. I think they’re broken. I blinked, trying to clear my vision.

What were you thinking? He collected me in his arms and lifted me easily, as though I weighed nothing.

I just wanted somewhere quiet to think.

Well, I don’t think this is it.

As the rain quickened, my vision finally cleared enough to see that I wasn’t being rescued by a guard as I’d first thought. No, the man carrying me was none other than Orlando.

What are you doing here? I asked.

Rescuing you, it would seem, he said, his tone tinged with a smugness I hated.

I didn’t need saving, I whispered, my labored tone telling a truth my words refused.

Shall I put you down, then? he asked and acted like he was going to do that very thing, at least until I tried to pull myself closer to him. I still couldn’t admit I needed him, and what I wanted to say was that my damaged ribs really were his fault because, if he hadn’t been pursuing me, I never would have been thrown from my horse, but it was hard enough not to scream. I couldn’t manage to put my thoughts into words.

The rain spatter gave way to a sudden deluge, soaking us both, and when Orlando looked up to check on the horses, we both realized they were long gone. Of course, it probably didn’t matter because there was no way we could ever climb back up to find them, which made me wonder what Orlando would do next.

Blasted rain. Couldn’t it have held off for a little longer? He gritted his teeth and scanned for shelter.

There’s a small area where the wall sinks back and the rocks would block the rain, I whispered, waving in the general direction he needed to go. I didn’t know if he understood me because I was suddenly so cold from the rain my teeth chattered noisily between every syllable, and the shivering only made the stabbing pain all the worse. Right then, I wanted to pass out and save me the effort of feeling all of this, but as my luck would have it, I was all too conscious.

Don’t you dare faint on me. Orlando trudged toward the shelter. I couldn’t see his face because I was squinting. The furious rain blurred everything.

Would that I could, I muttered, knowing wishing wouldn’t help.

Well, you can’t. He stopped to glance around again. I don’t see the cave.

Taking a deep breath, I raised myself, my head resting on his chest. It was then I heard the frantic hammering of his heart. No, he probably hadn’t exerted himself enough to do that. Could it be he was worried about me, or was he worried about what our father would do if he returned without me?

It’s just ahead, I reassured him and sank back into his embrace.

How can you see that? He strode forward.

I don’t have to. I used to come here all the time, remember?

Yes. That’s when his stride got easier, more comfortable in where we were headed. Even he had known of my love for the forest early on.

As the rain beat down, I shut my eyes, shocked by the cold, and even though I tried not to shiver, I couldn’t help it, and that brought me to tears.

Easy does it, he said quietly, his voice soothing. Part of me wondered if he were going to make some kind of joke at my expense because Orlando didn’t usually get serious about much, at least not where I was concerned. I’d sensed early on he avoided expressing such feelings on my account, something I was extremely grateful for because as hard as it was to hide my emotions around him, it would only be worse if I sensed even the slightest weakness in him. No, such expressionlessness was so much easier to manage.

Careful, I whispered, my voice faltering. It might sound like you actually care.

He shook his head. Well, well, we can’t have that, now can we? It just might ruin my reputation.

I wanted to say something in response, but it hurt too much.

Who knew a little spill from your horse could silence you so effectively?

I leaned against his chest, well aware that the smugness was back, as though I’d personally requested it. Perhaps I had. Still, I felt his chin cover my face to shield me from the rain. It held my forehead in place, cradling it in a way that his words could not.

Perhaps there were no words which could fully express the truth of who we were or what we were to each other. Perhaps, in truth, we hadn’t even known enough to say it, and what was there was fragmented and raw from feeling too much.

He continued to carry me as he ducked into the cave. Immediately, I felt grateful that the rain stopped dousing us, but that didn’t keep me from shivering. I was already soaked to the bone, and I was hardly likely to dry out considering my dress and corset. If I thought the dress was heavy when it was dry, now it felt as though the fabric were twice as weighted.

I rather expected he would set me on my feet, but instead he carried me over to one of the rocks.

Is this okay? Already he was moving, even before I’d nodded, so it was probably a good thing I didn’t have a problem with sitting. Still, even though he was as gentle as he could be, I inhaled sharply as pain splintered through my very core. He didn’t say anything as he studied my expression, but I could tell he was worried. He stepped back to take everything in and plan his next step.

Although I didn’t really want to move because moving was so painful, I lightly wound my arms around my midsection. I don’t know if I thought I was protecting it like that or supporting whatever was hurting. I just knew pain made me feel vulnerable, and with Orlando around, I already felt far too vulnerable.

Look, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I need to take a look at your ribs and see what’s what. He brushed the hair from his face and took a deep breath. I know you did something to them, and since I can’t get you back to the castle right away for a healer to do it, I’m the only person for the job.

I…I’m fine, I murmured and took in a shaky breath, clenching my jaw as if that would trap the pain inside, but I couldn’t help that my mouth contorted into a grimace that wouldn’t carry the lie.

I’m not buying it, and Father will kill me if I don’t take care of you.

I felt my eyes start to blink madly, and I would have squirmed if I hadn’t been in such pain. I…can’t.

He rolled his eyes and stepped behind me to where the back of my dress was laced. Yeah, well, I see why. It’s not like it was easy to get into that outfit. I’ll help.

In spite of my fears and the pain I laughed. Trust Orlando to think I was only talking about physically escaping this stupid dress when I had obviously meant so much more that I didn’t have a clue how to talk about without giving myself away.

Orlando, I whispered, knowing I had to try to say something to make sense of all this in spite of the reckless hammering of my heart over which I had no control.

Besides, he continued, obviously not hearing me, You’re going to catch a horrible cold if you stay in fifty pounds of wet fabric. His fingers felt like butterfly wings as they began unlacing the dress. I could feel it easing open, much like my heart had to him so long ago, and it terrified me. I knew this