Life of Dudley III

By Dudley T

This book, continues, my story verbatim. Despite my name, I tell you, frankly in your mind, focusing, on matrimony, and the birth of my Princess. Which changed my zest for life and also changed my life forever. My divorce and life’s kak after, which includes, writing what, you’ve hopefully, enjoyed reading. So far! Once again, the goal of the book is to invoke or evoke laughter, because it is the best muti. Therefore, I have personally composed the book to make, all, that read it, laugh, as much as possible. Written like a long personal letter to anyone that reads it, cover to cover. It thanks many people. This part of the best-selling trilogy, is also, as surreal, as a novel but is basically a memoir.

Read it, you will learn a couple of things, and will acknowledge that your life, isn’t too bad.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dudley T
• Release date: May 26, 2020

Book preview

Life of Dudley III

After accident and in marriage!

Dudley T

This is the SECOND part of a trilogy. As a disabled dude, Micro soft word, and Internet (Google) has educated me a bit more and enabled me to communicate and pass my humour on.

Please note:

This is just light and funny entertainment to help readers, forget about their kak (Shit), for a good few hours.

A product of South Africa

Mzansi (means South in Xhosa)

South Africa (English)

Suid Afrika (Afrikaans)

Iningizimu Afrika (Zulu)

Copyright ─ 2020 Dudley T

Published by Dudley T Publishing at Smashwords

First edition 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this book my be reproduced or transmitted

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including

photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system

without permission from the copywrite holder.

The Author has made every effort to trace and acknowledge sources/

resources/individuals. In the event that any images/information have been

incorrectly attributed or credited, the Author will be please to rectify these

omissions at the earliest opportunity.

Dudley T.

[e-mail]

-Crude and frank: check. ----Profanity: check.-----Afrikanerism: check.----Dudleyism: check.-

-Warning, Warning! If you are intolerant of the disabled or are a stuck-up, dik bek (Grumpy) who can’t laugh at life and literature with profanity or derogatory talk, with slang? Be prepared, to catch a VERY rude awakening, through the words poke-typed here-in, but now that readers are in this far? Just read it with an open mind? It’ll cause you to chuckle, maybe even guffaw, but definitely laugh, at any of your marriage adversities, big-time!

Turn the page and begin, and don’t say there was insufficient warning, to bring healthy laughter, finish and klaar.

Inspirational Messages.

African philosophy is: Ubuntu.

Means, ‘Humanity in humility’ ‘Compassionate togetherness’

I’ve learnt many inspirational messages that help, navigate through life.

Quotes by a once in a life time, Nelson Mandela).

Never, and never again, shall it be that one shall be oppressed, by another.

I learned, from Nelson, that courage was not the absence of fear,

but the triumph over it.

The brave man is not he,

who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that

fear…

Education, is power. Therefore, reading is power.

As far as I’m concerned, this book shames no one, unless you’re feeling guilty.

This unique dedication is now part, of the trilogy?

Inspiration for all, three of my books are attributed, to my daughter (always; forever), my proverbial Princess’s useful advice, which she imparted to me, when, she said to me, in 2009, Daddy, be a success somehow! I took her advice and here now is the second result. –

In the beginning, I proposed, to write, a single thick book. But I know, when a book’s too fat? It’s difficult, to handle and read in bed. I heard, from a reliable source, its worse to manufacture, big thick books. I decided, to split the book, into three parts. My personal trilogy, Finish and klaar.

A once in a life memoir of note:

Life of Dudley I, II and III is told in a lekker (Good, nice) humour filled trilogy. To be learnt, by simply reading, and listening to a story. Either way, people, will be entertained and learn a lot.

The Memoirs Simply continue, after rehab., in Zimbabwe. When I move to South Africa.

Hence Life of Dudley III After accident and in marriage!

Marriage with disability.

The only requirement, is: A reader must not be dik bek, or miff. (Be grumpy or be sadden.)

There are many many ways, to skin a cat. Write, or tell a story. For comedy sake, I have simply chosen, the crudest. I have also put it quite plainly, in every part of the trilogy. For want of better words, I have been crudified, by MY buckled (Disabled) physical state, and with-it various situations became shituations. Or I’ve been made crude by my adversity, but it does take all sorts of people, to make the world a better place?

******

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements

Dictionary #1

Dictionary #2

Foreword

Laughter benefits

Jokes to set the comedic mood

Introduction

Intro., to life Behind, the boerewors curtain.

Wedding, and matrimony begins.

Disabled married Life. Absolute blisssssssss, at first. ─

1st residential complex (Los Alamos)

2nd residential complex, complexities of marriage, with one spouse buckled.

947 Christmas wish 2006

Short quick divorce, end of Holy matrimony.

Parents leave, the Marloth Park, bush.

Author moves to the plot, to finally write ALL.

Go off all muti. New, beginnings.

Plot, 2008? I started writing the trilogy in 2015 on DeLL II, › on. –

Hassles of Poke typing (writing).

Physical Fun (Enjoyed big BIG big time).

Gallery of note

Epilogue

Feedback?

Acknowledgements

Key comments and how to best, read this book, and create zero confusion.

Firstly, it’s not just a rumour, that I’m an artistic individual. Finish and klaar.

There will be many literal firsts, in all parts of the trilogy. All Afrikanerism or Dudleyism (slang), including any Afrikaans words, or profanity and comments. Or my thoughts and popular sayings, will be in italics, registering my deliberate intention. To convey emotion? All words, or alphabetical letters in CAPS LOCK, even some bold and shadowed capital letters, in mid-sentence are important, to be enunciated at a higher octave.

A reminder that, ‘Poke-typing’ (One finger typing), is courtesy of disability!

All done, on DeLL II, at a whopping rate, of 2.667 words per minute. Sometimes less. Dependant on the thought process.

P.S. A hell of lot of bullshit, is featured, to show my wicked sense of humour. Finish and klaar.

This being the second part of a funny trilogy, makes it appropriate, and lekker, (Good or nice) to include some more important sentences, which affect the entire trilogy. When talking amongst friends, or writing, humorously, for a humour seeking society? Speaking with the QUEENS, quality of English is not an important requirement. Derogatory, slang is often introduced.

Any Man, Woman or Child Must simply grow a proverbial pair, and accept it. As a wonderful part of comedy. Unless, of course the individual Man, Woman or Child doesn’t want to be stress-free and a happy go lucky person? Just let all animosity go? Stating the obvious, only a human can read. A human, has all the power in the World, to change. If desired? The risk of Wars and BAD health, from the stress, will nullify many shituations. ─

My acknowledgements, will almost be the same as the previous book. However, there is one other extremely important, person, especially in this book. But, naming the love, of my life, MAY only anger and aggravate, the woman. I simply don’t want to do that? She put one more STAR in two books, out of three. After all, she is human too, and may do herself and me, big-time courtesy, and READ, this trilogy. She is mentioned, as my girlfriend, then fiancée, in the first book published and, in this second one, she becomes much much more.

The undeniable truth is. I’m initially grateful to her, for coming into my YOUNG, proverbially bullet-proof life. In my lamps, (Eyes) she was, a GOD send, and I can write, in Black and White or in Black and Beige. Made me, feel, like a normal human being. Especially, at a time, when, my emotions, were at their lowest ebb. Those were the times, I felt lower than shark shit shadow, in lowest point on the Planet (i.e. the Mariana trench, in the Pacific Ocean, some 11000 meters below the surface of the sea). However, before I could write about it and before all the kak, hit the proverbial Fan. The beau, gave me, a daughter: ‘Rachel’ someone precious to ME. Some body, nobody else would, could or did? That will, FOREVER and EVER keep, the love alive. For me anyway.

Despite all the mess, I am not ashamed to say, I love the Mother of my child, as much now. As I did, when I told her, to marry me. YES, every reader/listener READ/HEARD right. I still love Her. My disability, effectively disabled my marriage too. I constantly felt, like a burden on her. Writing about it, is an interesting fact, because many ordinary Human beings, lives, will never ever be touched, in such a way? Simply courtesy, of disability?

NOT, many authors, have had, an accident. Died, for a couple of seconds, courtesy of the brain trauma. But, ultimately survived that? Lapsed into a three-month Coma. Escaped the coma. Consequently, became seriously disabled, due to the trauma and lack of mobility. Got married. Hidden-the-sausage, a number of times, and eventually helped, the Almighty FATHER, in Heaven create, a lekker proverbial Princess. After, all good and bad kak, got divorced, and finally written humorously about it, all. To make mankind laugh, at HUMAN, adversity kak! Which would be knowledge gained. If the first part was read?

Making mankind laugh, is something, I knew, as a budding author. I could do, 100%. Even, as a disabled dude. Although, many readers, were probably dissuaded, by the boring cover. But I’ve NOW sorted that out. In my important heart and minds memories, the special person, remains my wife. Even on some old papers, in my records. But on legal divorce papers, thankfully NOT. People move on. There in, lies my heart ache.

*GOD IS GREAT*

I wish to thank:

All at Reach Publishers, especially management, firstly for reducing, publication costs, which effectively puckered my interest and in turn, total commitment, and brought writing into my realm. Sally and Vanessa, who taught me a moerse lot about punctuation. Lodewyk, for laying it all out, in Black and White. Anishka, for getting it out on-line, to millions worldwide. I just wish millions, in the whole World, would get into, the culture of reading. Even through a pretty fun read. Knowledge is ultimately gained. Knowledge is power, for ALL.

Peggy (Mom), for supplying me, with sustenance, and taking care, of my laundry, and doing the necessary banking, of layout fees etc. Firstly because, I am physically unable, and while I was too busy, with the verbatim works. As you age, and inevitably get moodier, you might think, it was, not appreciated, but it was and BIG-TIME. Equal thanks, are made to Dad: Mike Trent and Robert Millenaar, for supplying many old Jokes. Whether, the Weather was good, or bad, my brother, Michael, brought me, six thirty am coffee. I might add, each cup, was most welcomed. While I poke typed thousands and thousands of words, in the quietness of each, early morning. Nadine, his wife, and Michelle Trent, his daughter for helping, with simple Computer literacy.

Colin (Ex-wife’s brother), and Maureen (my Sister), for online banking set up and for, supplying various stationary items and helping me, with ‘Micro soft word’, throughout the trilogy. Big thanks, to Jean Holtshauzen, for reading, and telling me, this second book’s, even funnier than the last. She said, "I did indeed, laugh, my arsehole off." Tommy Noble, including Uncle Percy Bradfield, and Dr., J. Breedt (for encouragement and making me feel good, about writing). Jaryd Futter, for helping me out, with the Internet, a lot bru!

Considering my vocation in life, I am no-body. Just a man trying to make others laugh, at what they READ. Effectively entertaining every one, big-time. My views and opinions, of any individual, or even a governmental department, are mine and mine alone. On the # Tumi show on SABC three, the DA politician, Mr Mmusi Maimane, said that freedom of speech, is entrenched in Section 16, of the South African Constitution, thus entitling every person in the diverse LAND, to have an opinion, of their own. I’m exercising that right.

Big, thanks, also to various South African Broad casting corporations, shows. Which helped my word play immensely. John Vlismas, the comedian, who was, on the Tumi show, in 2018. He, proved to me, profanity is funny, as a final retort, when roasting Jacob Zuma. That section 16, of the South African constitution, makes it possible. Favourite TV programmes, on SABC III, in 2018, is: ‘The Tumi show’, for the Comedy and ‘Sober Companion.’ About over-coming, big-time adversity. So, thanks Tumi Morake and Trevor Gumbi.

Many thanks also, to everyone, who has ever known and helped me, or may have ever had a conversation with me, knowingly or otherwise. If anyone’s mentioned by name, in any part of the trilogy? You can, be assured of two things, either you know me and have been an educational benefit, or you’ve pissed me off, big-time. But just know, all of ya, put one more Star, in my books, even if I write ill, of ya. Just know you’re greatly appreciated. – Whether you enjoyed it or not, it is simply tough shit...

To the unsung heroes, of my books,’ huge success. An important one, is a famous funny yank, dude, named: Steve Harvey. Through him, I realized that we can all, make a humungous mistake and feel like a real chop, but in a few years, it all blows over. It’s a small unforgiving world?

Further thanks to all friends or practitioners, of any medical fraternity, who serviced or repaired my buckled chassis (Disabled body). A very big, special thanks, go to: L. Kleyhans, my dentist, for relieving me of serious toothache, only a day before I included this sentence. I could have kissed the chick! But in this world today, I might have been had up for inappropriate conduct. If any reader, has experienced sever tooth trauma, while trying to get a good night sleep? The depth of my gratitude, will be known.

Disabled Dudley’s to do list at age 56 in 2019. Response

(Which is, when the majority of this part, was written)

Continue, with the next part:

Thank you, to all READERS, on Planet ‘TERRA’. Thank you, AFRICA, for sustaining an author of note, Who has brought a troubled World, numerous reasons, to laugh, at my personal adversity, in parts of a very neat trilogy. Dark Coloured, or Light Coloured, we’re all the same inside. You know a continents people, are growing up, when it is able to accept constructive criticism and not confuse it with Racism, and even laugh at itself, amongst itself, and with itself… and boy has Africa arrived!

Aweh Africa, viva Africa viva, my home, since long long ago!

******

Dictionary #1

South African slang, is Afrikanerism

Many people don’t, really give a shit, to remember, Samuel Johnson organised to publish: ‘Johnson’s dictionary,’ in 1775. But that’s been learnt, though the first part, of a simple memoir? Here, contains, a little more slang, which is in many cases derogatory, and have the same meaning, depending, on the context they’re used in. The words are made up of Afrikaans, Zulu, English, including Portuguese and inspired, by many citizens of the numerous Nations. Which again, is organised, and published, by who knows? But certainly, by a shit load of individuals, over many years.

I seldom communicate. Hence, I tell my story, like I’m talking directly to everyone reading and consequently listening. But, how many books in your lifetime have made you really have a good, deep-bellied laugh? Your answer is probably similar to mine. Not many, unless it was a dedicated book of Jokes, or zero if not. However, jokes seem to get monotonous and even damn boring, in a Jokes only, Book. To this end I’ve included some situations and shituations. To break the monotony.

Some dictionaries have the meaning for the words used. Which were once considered slang words, like, ‘weird’ and ‘fart’, and ‘fuck.’ The latter is very commonly used, in many societies, around the World. However, the word still retains its shock value, although its impact is a lot less than it was, when the British critic Kenneth Tynan used it on Television, in 1965. In the Collins dictionary, fuck in British English, is: taboo, slang. But besides all this, the Brits say it means to have sexual intercourse with someone.

The Yanks, always go one better and say, ‘fuck’ is: Vulgar, and means, to engage in sexual intercourse. But, the VERY famous South African author: Dudley T., says it’s also an expressive and VERY therapeutic, four letter word. See why? A little later.

News, flash…Yanks are Americans simply because during the civil war in the United States of America. For some weird reason, people in the Southern States called the people in the Northern States, Yankees. Which was later butchered, by various societies around the globe, to yanks, finish and klaar.

In this slang dictionary, names in brackets, denote creator and indicate avid Comedic users, or it is simply useful advice. ─

A. Ag: Expressive, disagreement utterance. (Basically, Prolong the A, and regurgitate, or hack out the G"). Afrikaans equivalent, of oh hell or geez.

Almal: Everyone/everybody. (Afrikaans).

Aweh: many uses, hello, goodbye, sharp or a surprised salutation pronounced

AAAH-WHE (Jason Goliath, comedian of note)

B. Bak gat: Nice/Good/Perfect.

Bakkie: Pick-up, of any kind.

Bangbroek: scared pants.

Baklei: fight (Afrikaans).

Bliksem: klap/Strike/smack/hit/punch, or simply an expression, of surprise or emphasis.

Boffin of note: Very clever astute, big-time.

Boney: Motorbike.

Boytjie: Boy young man, or proud and older, especially talented. Jack of a trades, but master at none.

Bru: Male friend.

Bucks: Money.

Bulldust: Talking rubbish/bullshit.

C. Chommie: Friend.

Chop: Idiot/arsehole/fool.

D. Die: The. (Afrikaans).

Dik bek: Sad/Sulking/miff/depressed big-time/moaners or wingers.

Dof: Slow to think/learn sociably dumb.

Dom kop: Idiot/dumb head.

Donner: Ding/smack/punch/hit/take out.

Doos: In Afrikaans means a box. In slang, can mean/prat/twat/idiot, but, it’s mostly a derogatory word, for being an arsehole or a cunt.

Dorp: Small town.

F. Finish and klaar: Over and done/all said and done/Last words, on the matter. (FAVOURITE WORDS IN SA)

Frig’n: Nicer way of saying fuck’n.

G. In the Afrikaans language. (Must be pronounced almost gutturally, like rounding phlegm in the throat. Or regurgitate, or hacking out, the G)

Gaan kak: Go shit. (Afrikaans).

Gat: Arsehole/hole. (Afrikaans).

Gat vol: Fed up/frustrated/angry. (Afrikaans). In English. "I’m Fed up with you, Bru! You going to get smacked, momentarily."

Gawooner: Ordinary. (Afrikaans).

Geld: Money. (Afrikaans).

Gewaar: danger. (Afrikaans).

Groot kak: Big shit. (Afrikaans).

Groot gamorse: Big troubles/mess. (Afrikaans).

H. Hardegat: Hard arse, stubborn.

I. Isihlahla: Bush. (Zulu) (Pronounced, sishsha).

Isikhumba: skin. (Zulu) (Pronounced, skumba).

J. Ja: Yes/Okay. (Afrikaans).

K. Kak: Shit/waste/rubbish/turd/stuff.

Kop: Head. (Afrikaans).

Klop: Smack, up-side the Head.

L. Lekker: nice/sharp/good/ideal.

Laaitie: Young person. (Must be pronounced: Lighty)

Loo: Toilet.

M. Mahala: For free/for nothing. (Zulu).

Madala: Old. (Zulu).

Miff: Sulky/Depressed/Dejected.

Moeg: Tired/buggered. (Afrikaans).

Moer in: pissed off/angry¹⁰. (Afrikaans).

Moer toe: Very far. (Afrikaans).

Moerse: Very big/a lot. (Afrikaans).

Muti: medicine.

N. Naaied: fucked

P. Pasop: Watch out/be careful.

Pickinini: A child/small/little. (Portuguese)

Piss: Urinate/number 1.

Plaas: Farm. (Afrikaans).

Poepbang: shit scared.

Poepol: Idiot/more specifically, arsehole.

Pommie/Pommy/Pom: derogatory for any British person. (Australia).

R. Rgime: Regime, pronounced, by millions. (In Africa)

S. Sat/moeg: Tired/buggered/stuffed. (Afrikaans).

Shat: Past tense, to shit or dumped.

Shit: Dump/crap/kak.

Skelm: pronounced skelem: crook or trouble maker/Adulterer or Adulteress.

Skief: To glare at someone, big-time, accusatively (Example, "Don’t, look at me Skief. Bru!")

Skinner: Talk shit, and whinge behind someone’s back.

Skomel: Masturbate/proverbially choke the ole chicken.

Spuit-poep: Runny shit. (Direct translation spray shit.)

Stukkend: Broken/wrecked/stuffed/buggered/history.

Stoep: Veranda/porch. (Afrikaans).

T. Tsotsi: Thug/crook/petty street wise criminal. (Zulu).

V. In the Afrikaans language, it must be pronounced, like F in English.

Verkeerde plek: Wrong place. (Afrikaans).

Voetsek: Go away/be gone/hamba/get lost/piss off.

Vrotest: Ugliest. (Afrikaans).

Vrot: Ugly/ Bad rotten.

W. In the Afrikaans language, it must be pronounced, like V in English.

Warm Klap: warm smack. (Afrikaans, a good smack)

When we’s: Ex Rhodesians. (Universal)

Windgat: Wind arse. Is a man or a woman, who misbehaves; drive fast!

Y. Yong: Expressive, exclamation. (Example: Watch yourself, yong!) (Be careful. Bru!)

******

Dictionary #2

Acknowledge Dudleyism

Readers, will remember, Dudley climbed, on the Dictionary publishing bandwagon, and wrote and published, some Dudleyism in 2018. Which is Childhood inspired slang words, just for the hell of it, and funny reading sake? More is necessary and are now available, in this 2020, Dictionary #2, as the verbatim stories continue. Which, now include effective, fart sound, when repeating alphabetical letters. There is already a social media app, of farting sounds. So why not a fun book, as one of the literal firsts of the trilogy, in the twenty-first century? Other necessary info., i.e. cause and effect, is also supplied. Fortunately, the smell factor, is left to the imaginations. The innocent little child, resides in every adult.

A reader, is correct if he/she, thinks the word shituations, has been purposely used. Instead of the word situation. Shituations, spelt S H I T U A T I O N S, on an on-line google site dictionary. A Collins English dictionary, to be a bit more specific. The word, simply means: The potential realisation of a situation going