The Tao of Hoik Ptui

By Eulis S. Morgan

One should always have a noble reason for doing something. We are a nation of suers, and the "injured" party never says they're suing to get a lot of money, even though that's exactly why they're doing it. Rather, they always say they're suing so that nobody else will have to go through what they went through. The standard form is "so that nothing like this will ever happen again". That sounds pretty noble, so that's why I wrote this book... so that nothing like this will ever happen again!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eulis S. Morgan
• Release date: Jun 4, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458022974

Eulis S. Morgan

Yeah buddy! Yet another wannabe writer. But I like to think I'm a wannabe writer who can actually write. I'm on a one man crusade to bring back the western novella. Yes, I know, nobody reads westerns anymore. That's why I've decided on using my summer off to publish a couple of books as ebooks and on self-publish POD sites. Just another wannabe writer? You be the judge. Thank you for investing some time in my work. I'd love to hear what you think.

Book preview

The Tao of Hoik Ptui

Eulis S. Morgan

Published by Eulis S. Morgan at Smashwords

Copy 2011 Eulis S. Morgan

Smashwords Edition License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. This book may be reproduced, copied, and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete and original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

Cover Art by Candida Morris

TABLE OF CONTENTS

WELCOME

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS ~~~~~~ LEARNING DISABLED EPIDEMIC

HITTING A FLAT NOTE

SAY IT LOUD. I'M THE L WORD AND I'M PROUD! ~~~~~~ DIETRIBE

BEST POPE EVER ~~~~~~ KING KONG'S SHORTCOMINGS

THUG JESUS ~~~~~~ PASS THIS ON ~~~~~~ CENSORSHIP

THE DEAD ~~~~~~ IN THE BAG ~~~~~~.SAVE YOUR BREATH

NOBODY DOES IT BETTER ~~~~~~ GIVEN WITH GREAT PLEASURE

FREE MIKE VICK ~~~~~~ GOOD HURT ~~~~~~ GO SONIA!

PRO CHOICE ROCKS! PRO LIFE SUCKS!

OUR SECOND AMENDMENT MADE EASY

WHEN THE MOMENT IS RIGHT ~~~~~~ KEEPING IT SHORT FOR THE USPS

AIR FORCE WHITE ~~~~~~ ULTIMATE CONSPIRACY

I AM NOT A RACIST ~~~~~~ AT LEAST HE CAN HOLD HIS LIQUOR

MEN, BE NOT CUTE ~~~~~~ AMERICA NEEDS BUMS

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION ~~~~~~ ARE THE CHINESE COMING?

UNCLE SAM NEEDS OLD FARTS ~~~~~~ HARD TO TRACK

EPISCOPALIANS ROCK! ~~~~~~ GIVE TO CURE DEATH

UNEMPLOYED MARRIED MAN'S GUIDE TO SURVIVAL

THANK HEAVE FOR LITTLE GIRLS, YEAH RIGHT!

AGAINST THE CONSTITUTION ~~~~~~ RED ON BLACK

OBSERVING MLK JR DAY ~~~~~~ READING SHOULD BE FUNDAMENTAL

VIRTUE IN HARD WORK ~~~~~~ VERBOSE OBESITY

NICE GUYS REALLY DO FINISH LAST ~~~~~~ PRACTICE

BE A PROFILE-PHILE

TRY TO REMEMBER THIS KIND OF SEPTEMBER AND...

LIBERAL TRUMPS CONSERVATIVE ~~~~~~ JOYOUS MUSIC

LAST STRAW

EPILOG

WELCOME

My sweetie and I can be in the midst of an argument, and suddenly she'll want to know why I'm always trying to be funny. I don't agree that I'm always trying to be funny. I can think of several times when I have tried to be serious. Or was it merely that I came across as being serious because I failed to be funny? What if she's right? And if she's right, why am I always trying to be funny?

I shall use the Cartesian logic of Rene Descartes to figure out why I always try to be funny. It should work. Descartes started with I THINK, THEREFORE I AM and proved the existence of God. "I think, therefore I am" makes reasonably good sense, although, before reading that sentence, it had never occurred to me that I might not be. And do I really need to be capable of reason to be self aware? I assume that the lowly octopus (I ink, therefore I am) knows that it's not really a part of the sea floor into which it blends itself so perfectly. If I am part of the cosmic whole, do I really exist, or do I need some unique trait that separates me from the whole, rather like a skunk (I stink, therefore I am) in a perfume shop?

What about when I'm not thinking? Just today, I left work and drove home by the same route that I always take. I turned into my driveway without the slightest memory of what occurred during the miles between work and home. Did that lost road (I link, therefore I am) exist? Did I exist during that missing interval or at any time before the present?--which incidentally, just passed. I sense that some people go through their entire lives in a state of mental and emotional oblivion until, like the passengers of the Titanic (I sink, therefore I am), some catastrophe propels them into a higher state of awareness.

Is thought proof of my existence, or merely proof of the existence of thought? Can I exist without thought in the same way I can exist without playing the piano (I plink, therefore I am), or engaging in wild and crazy sex (I kink, therefore I am)? I can even exist without beer and soul food (I drink, therefore I yam). And now, I am, I think, at the solution. I don't try to be funny, but life is punny, and things just come out that way. I laugh, sometimes at the wrong times, but I wouldn't be... well... me... without a sense of humor. (I wink, therefore I am).

Much, but not all, of this book is an attempt to be funny, and I hope that you, Dear Reader, will forgive me if I'm not always funny, or I strike you as trying to be funny at the wrong times. Remember, it's all written in good old all American fun. (Hijinx, therefore I am!)

Incidently, this is my first ebook. If the feedback is positive, it may not be my last. Enjoy! ~~back to table of contents

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS

With Dr. Kervorkian having been taken--unfortunately, in my opinion--out of circulation, people who feel the need to commit suicide must do it themselves or find somebody else to help do the job. This is where the War on Terror comes in. What we have here is a perfect of conjunction of a need, the people who want to kill themselves; and a means, people who want to kill them, of satisfying that need.

Nobody drafts terrorists, and the only reason I’m mad at terrorists is that they draft their victims. I’ve never heard of a victim of a terrorist who wanted to get blown up or get their head lopped off or whatever, but perhaps all we have here is a failure to communicate. What if the victims of terrorists were volunteers? All we have to do is get the Americans who want to die with dignity together with Osama Bin Laden's successor and everybody would be happy.

Compared to terminal cancer, stroke, heart attack, infection from bedsores, Alzheimer’s, Lou Gehrig’s, and a host of other 100% fatal but lingering ailments, getting blown up sounds like a pretty good deal. Instead of American, United, or Air Canad, fly Air Al Qaeda, and your pain is over. And there’s no religious roadblock, because it wouldn’t even be suicide. You're not blowing up the plane, they are. Maybe every millionth passenger would get 75 virgins or something as a promotion. Hell, if I were suicidal or afflicted with some terminal illness, I’d let Al Qaeda punch my ticket in exchange for 75 virgins on the other side.

The only downside is that I have a hard time thinking