The Unavoidable Quests: The Reluctant Barbarian, #3

By John Haas

Saving the multiverse is hard work. Even harder when that task is forced on two groups of heroes who have just met, neither of which really wants the job. Heck, each group isn't even sure how much they like their new companions, except for Dead Mike and Graves, of course. They're sure they hate each other. Join them and other old friends Arthur, Spider, Nila, Valeria, Amp and many others on a hilarious adventure to save reality that just may kill them all in the process... if they don't kill each other first.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Renaissance Press
• Release date: May 15, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393317944

Book preview

The Unavoidable Quests

THE RELUCTANT BARBARIAN SERIES

The Reluctant Barbarian

The Wayward Spider

The Unavoidable Quests

For my mom, Edith,

who never got to see the end result

of all her support and encouragement.

This one is for you, mom.

PART 1

Chapter 1

The Inn

The Inn of the Sainted Ogre stood silent, two groups of diverse beings staring at each other in stunned disbelief. Spider and crew were seated on one side of the table, jolted from a peaceful breakfast by the sudden appearance of three strangers. This trio—a warrior woman, a skinny barbarian, and a man in a hood—unmoving on the opposite side, whisked here from who knew where by Graves’s portal spell gone awry.

Artie, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, said the hooded man, probably a wizard.

Nay, Dead Mike, we hath vacated the city of Morewood, not this Kansas.

Dead Mike sighed. Just another expression, Valeria.

The one called Valeria rolled her eyes.

A heartbeat later Graves’s portal disappeared with a pop of inrushing air, leaving the newcomers stranded before anyone could suggest they turn and jump back through.

Who are you guys? the scrawny barbarian asked.

Aye, Valeria added. And doth thou know thou art haunted by a spirit?

You can see me? Amp said, rushing over to her.

Aye.

Oh! Someone new to talk to! Amp said.

Graves and Spider turned toward each other and almost laughed. Another set of ears to hear Amp’s relentless monologues would be welcome.

Might as well pull up some chairs, Spider said then called over his shoulder toward the closed kitchen door. Hey, Gar, can we get more potatoes here?

It was too late in the morning for the inn’s breakfast crowd and too early for the professional drinkers. Only one other table held anyone, a hooded patron with their back to the unfolding story, showing zero interest in anything but their own steaming cup of tea.

Their wizard harrumphed, crossing his arms while the warrior woman—a paladin?—scowled, her hand dropping to the hilt of her sword. Why hath thou brought us hence?

Spider knew he would be suspicious too if transported against his will to some unknown place. He raised his hands in a silent plea for patience. Nila and Graves, reacting to the unspoken threat, got to their feet. Nila—always having a blind spot on considering men equal—manoeuvered for a straight attack on the most dangerous target, the paladin.

Wait— Spider began.

Graves went left, having identified the other group’s wizard as the greatest danger through much the same thought process.

Don’t think I ain’t seein’ ya sneakin’ aroun’ there, the other wizard said.

Spider shook his head. What had the paladin called him? Dead Mike? He spoke more like an uneducated River Rat than a magic-user. His hood was pulled far forward, obscuring all but the briefest glimpse of flesh beneath. Well, the last thing Gar needed was some wizard duel inside the inn.

Mike, Arthur the barbarian said. Don’t—

Hold on, Spider turned to Graves. Let’s not—

Graves gestured. See this, wizard.

Wizard? Dead Mike said. I—

A shower of sparks shot from Graves’s fingertips and coursed outward, heading for the new group. Valeria drew her sword in response and after a moment the barbarian reached for his axe, twisting in a circle to reach it.

The sparks banked left, speeding for the closed door to the kitchen and disappearing through the crack underneath.

Oh, Graves, Spider moaned. Why?

Buk-CAWK!

The shrill noise boomed from behind the closed door, much too piercing for one chicken.

Gah! came an equally high, thunderously astonished shriek. Graves!

A moment later Gar, the Halfling innkeeper, sprinted through the door and into the Sainted Ogre’s common room. Behind Gar, a chicken’s head the size of his entire body pecked after him, missing by inches. It tried to follow but was stopped by the door frame.

Buk? the monster chicken said, head cocked to one side, before pulling back into the kitchen.

With all present danger of experiencing a worm’s demise behind him, Gar stormed across the open room toward Graves. He couldn’t have been more fuming if his hair had been on fire. Both Spider and Nila took a step away from the guilty party, Nila hiding a grin behind her massive hand.

The other group glanced at each other in confusion, any hostility forgotten for the moment. It was difficult to want conflict when a circus rode into the middle of the battlefield.

Graves! Gar repeated, climbing onto a chair to look the taller man in his eyes. Is there some fascinating reason why I have a seven-foot chicken in my kitchen?

Gar and Graves had an uneasy truce while their group stayed there, helping rebuild the inn. Gar grudgingly allowed the wizard a room, as long as his magic was without incident.

Giant chickens counted as incidents.

Ah, Gar, Graves began, mellow from casting the spell. I—

Save it! Gar said. Just come subdue the beast.

With that, the halfling jumped from his perch and headed back toward the kitchen.

What in the infernal hells? came a bellow from the kitchen.

Lees, Gar muttered. Oh, we’re in it now, boy.

Graves turned toward Spider who just shrugged. Dead Mike chuckled, which earned him a scowl from Graves, mellow or not.

I can help, Nila said, hesitating when she glanced back at the other group.

It’s fine, Spider said, hoping that was true. Go on.

A final glare from Nila and she followed Graves and Gar toward the door. Spider looked around at Amp, hovering around their paladin. If this group did prove to be a danger, his only backup was a ghost who couldn’t touch anyone.

Why don’t we all sit, Spider began. It might be a while before those potatoes are ready.

The skinny barbarian took a seat without hesitation, any effort to reach his axe abandoned. He wore an easy smile on his face, the expression of someone who always wanted to please others.

Won’t you join us? Spider said toward the others. Valeria? Um... Dead Mike?

Geez! The hooded man grumbled and sat next to Arthur. Just Mike, okay?

Behind the group was a fourth member who’d been hidden by paladin and wizard until now, an obvious cleric based on the man’s robes.

I’m Tarnin, he said by way of introduction and took the seat next to Mike.

Amp. Leave her alone.

The paladin Valeria sat on Arthur’s other side, the ghost hovering inches from her.

But Spider, this is the first new person who can see me.

Maybe, but you aren’t winning any friends by making her walk through you.

Ah. Yes. Well.

Who’re you talkin’ to? Mike asked.

Oh, good, Arthur said. I thought it was just me.

Thou canst not see the spirit?

Arthur and Mike shook their heads, Tarnin joining in a moment later.

He’s the ghost of a king’s agent, Spider explained. And up to now only me and Graves were able to see him.

No point bringing up the high sorceress Armentia, he reasoned. The conversation already held enough confusion. Undoubtedly Valeria could see Amp because of her holy training, but then why couldn’t the cleric?

The sound of struggle came from behind the kitchen door. Shouts. Curses. Shrill, indignant chicken noises. All heads spun toward the closed door. Something thumped on the other side.

Mayhaps we could offer assistance, Valeria suggested.

Give them a minute, Spider said. "There’s not a lot of room in there without a giant chicken."

The other group stared back at Spider.

The ghost’s name is Amp, Spider explained. He sort of joined us when we caused his death.

Thou didst cause the death of thy liege’s servant?

Accidentally, but yeah. It’s a long story.

It’s okay, Amp chimed in. I’m happier this way.

Valeria faced toward the ghost. And thou doth continue to serve, even after death?

Amp nodded. I’m just getting started.

Remarkable, she breathed. I salute thy diligence.

Spider sighed. Amp’s self-confidence had soared since their adventure against the cult, realizing he enjoyed his newfound skills. Some days he still needed an ego boost, when his natural inner pessimism resurfaced, but this wasn’t one of those days. Spider gave a quick rundown on their first introduction to Amp, leaving out the part about the ghost lying to them and coming close to getting them all killed.

I’m more int’rested in the story a’ how we got here, Spidey, Mike said.

Spider stared back at the wizard, letting the intentional name change pass. Magic-users were often strange and confrontational.

Hmm, you may have noticed Graves’s magic sometimes goes...awry, Spider gestured toward the kitchen where it sounded like the chicken might be getting the upper hand, or wing.

Awry was an understatement. It had been getting better, ever since their adventure against Aniha-Morgo and his cult, when the mischievous goddess Aneesa revealed she lived inside of Graves’s head. After that she and Graves had talked a lot, always inside of his head, and come to an agreement. Oh, things still went wrong, portals in particular, but that was just Aneesa having fun. Given that it happened with less frequency, all were happy, especially Graves. This past week, though, it had all started turning around again.

Awry, Valeria tried the word out, listening to the chicken battle. Aye.

Well, while trying to heat his tea, Graves accidentally cast a portal which pulled you all here.

"I see. Where pray is here?" Valeria asked.

Timurpajan.

Mike and Arthur looked around at the paladin who only shrugged. The three turned toward Tarnin.

No, I...oh, wait! the cleric said with a snap of his fingers. Yes! This is part of the Outer Kingdoms.

The outer...? Are you from the segregated lands? Spider asked. The other side of the pass.

Aye, ‘tis not what we doth call our land though.

I thought the Outer Kingdoms were wild and unlawful, Arthur said.

Spider rolled his eyes. That’s just what the segregationists want you to think. Keeps people from wandering.

Valeria leaned back in her seat, eyes narrowing but said nothing.

No offence, Spider added, watching her reactions.

Her expression softened, and the paladin leaned forward, body stance less rigid. Nay, verily I cannot deny thy words. The kingdom be in a state of change though.

Sounds like there might be a story there? Spider asked.

Mike laughed but didn’t elaborate. Arthur looked toward the others then back at Spider. With a deep breath, he launched into the most fanciful story Spider had ever heard. Angels and wishes. Lich lords. Body swapping. A horse king.

The muffled whumpf of a magical spell came from behind the kitchen doors.

Spider was considering this new king and how he might be more welcoming than his father had been, or his uncle while inhabiting the king’s body. This would be the perfect time to start a trade route, before every other trader realized a fresh opportunity had opened up. Especially if Valeria and friends could arrange safe passage and introduction.

Graves and Nila returned to the table. The wizard’s purple robe was torn along the hem, as if from a giant beak, which of course was exactly what had caused it. Mike giggled from the confines of his cowl, earning a fresh scowl from Graves.

Nila smiled, a sight which often set people running. In fact, Arthur had leaned back in his seat, as far away as possible from her fearsome grin.

Quite the battle, she said, ignoring the reaction. Lucky those birds are usually small.

I thought she was a pacifist, Amp said.

Spider relayed the message which Nila waved away. That chicken gave much worse than it got.

I was able to negate the spell, Graves explained, but it took several attempts.

Aneesa? Spider asked.

Graves glanced at the other group then gave his head one quick shake.

The chicken is out back now, Nila said, pecking at corn with her friends. I don’t think Gar will choose that one for lunch anytime soon.

Speakin’a lunch, Mike said to Spider. After we eat can yer wizard here magic us back home?

Graves bristled at being referred to like he wasn’t there but turned thoughtful. If Gar will bring me some cold tea—

Nila placed one hand on his shoulder. Remember the hell dimension?

Ah, Graves agreed. Fair point. Maybe we can send one of them through as a test.

He scowled at Mike pointedly, the hooded man drawing in a breath to respond.

The portal spell is a particular problem, Spider explained, jumping in. Very random.

Arthur said, So this hell you mentioned?

A literal hell, whatever your concept of that might be. You could end up there instead of home.

Arthur was shaking his head. No way he would be walking through one of these portals anytime soon.

Better to take the long way, Nila said. Believe us.

Yeah, we know ‘bout gettin’ unintended results, Mike said gesturing toward Tarnin.

It’s called experimentation, the cleric said. Scientific process.

Yeah, yeah. I think Arthur told ya too much detail about where we come from.

Hey. Arthur turned toward the priest. Do you have anything to get us home, Tarnin?

The priest’s face lit up and he pulled the pack from the floor, plunking it on the table. Let’s see...Just my travel tools, and a few projects I’ve been working on. Like this device to detect magic.

Mike grunted. "Useful in a dimension that’s mostly magic."

Well, yes, but... Tarnin pulled a hand-sized device from the pack, twisting a knob. It glowed, getting brighter as he pointed it toward Graves. See? It’s strong here. This is fascinating really. The device homes in on magical energy, searching for the strongest sources in the area and—

Tarnin, said Valeria.

Huh? Oh, right. He rummaged through his pack. What else? Control helmet. Some wiring. Sketches. No, nothing else. Though if you give me a week, I could put something together.

By that time, you would be home, Spider said, steering toward a new subject. Maybe we could accompany you back though, if you don’t mind. I’d like a chance to speak with your king.

Huh, Nila grunted.

Graves turned toward her. What?

Looks like Spider found his new place to trade with.

The two groups chatted about ideas on trade and relations between the two kingdoms, as well as comparing general stories. It seemed they were not so different.

Oh, hello, Arthur said, staring over Spider’s shoulder then back toward the elf. Friend of yours?

Chapter 2

A New Quest

Spider turned, expecting perhaps Lees to be standing behind him, given that Gar had already made an appearance. He prepared to introduce the half-ogress who was the only mother-type figure he’d ever known. Instead, Armentia’s wrinkled scowl met his. Her white robe flowed around her, the hood pushed back now to reveal her as the inn’s only other patron.

By the gods!

Spider was on his feet, Graves and Nila following suit. Each took a step away from the much too close sorceress. Amp hovered closer, wishing he could chat with this last person who could see him, but admitting that she scared him.

Not a friend then? Mike asked, getting to his feet alongside Valeria and Tarnin.

Sometimes, Spider answered, and sometimes not.

Arthur looked around at the group, belatedly rising as well. He faced toward the unmoving Armentia.

Come now, Spider, the ancient woman rasped. We only have conflict when you break into my home.

High sorceress, Graves said, stepping forward and speaking with more reverence than he used with anyone else. I can assure you Spider hasn’t broken into the Tower recently. You haven’t, have you?

Spider shook his head.

Armentia waved it aside.

Are you concerned then that Graves is still in Timurpajan? Nila asked.

No, she said, her voice a whisper.

The old sorceress seemed distracted, as if focused on a second conversation only she could hear while still trying to pay attention to this one. Each of the group leaned forward, waiting, expecting. And got nothing. Armentia’s crinkled eyes gazed at them, through them, but she made no response.

Well then...? Spider prompted, annoyance shining through.

She refocused on the elf, as if seeing him for the first time, and cleared her raspy throat. You are needed...for a quest.

Of course, we are! Spider groaned. How did I not see that coming?

"You are all needed," Armentia said, ignoring Spider’s comment and taking the recent arrivals into her scrutiny as well.

Yeah? Mike asked from inside the concealment of his hood. And what’s in it fer us?

Nay, Dead Mike. We already perform a quest for King Laiu.

Our priority lies with our own kingdom, Tarnin agreed.

Mike threw his hands up, seeing potential profits slip away. Sorry lady, ya heard ‘em.

This affects your kingdom too, Armentia said. All kingdoms in fact.

Yeah? Mike said. So why should we listen ta you anyway?

Graves spun. Because Armentia is the most powerful sorceress of our order, and beyond questioning. If she says there’s danger, then there is danger.

Spider groaned inwardly. Graves had spoken for them all, but Spider wasn’t sure how much he trusted that ancient sorceress himself.

Yeah? Mike continued, focusing on Graves. And just who’re you, Presto?

Graves’s eyes crackled with energy. He wasn’t sure on the exact reason why he disliked this other wizard with such intensity, but it was instinctive, primal. Maybe because the man’s gruff I-don’t-care-what-you-think attitude and manner of speaking reminded Graves a little too much of himself. Then again, it could just be that this Mike was a new, unknown magic-user who seemed to think his comments were desired.

Graves took a step closer so that less than a foot separated the two.

My name is Graves, he said. As in I will send you to your—

Enough! Armentia said, and though her voice was barely at speaking level it reverberated through the room. There is no time for this.

Graves and Mike stopped, separated, obeying the irresistible command in the aged sorceress’s voice.

She swung her head a slow half-circle, taking in each of them in turn.

Please, she said, her voice taking on a sincere, near pleading tone. Dimensions are dying. Reality...is ending.

That stopped all conversation.

Arthur took a step back, ready to flee if only he knew where he should flee to. Where did one go if what that woman had said was true? Spider tried to decide if her pronouncement shocked him more, or if it was her use of the word please. A polite magic-user always threw him off.

Armentia peered into the distance, the group following her gaze as if some scene should appear where she looked.

I apologize, she said. I am distracted. My senses are trying to take in all that is happening. Reality is ending.

Aye, thou hath said as much.

Dimensions are dying?

Heard that too, lady, Mike said.

Right... Several dimensions have ceased to exist.

Tarnin gasped. Graves shook his head. Arthur’s hand came up to cover his mouth.

Dimensions...? Arthur muttered, taking a further step away from the information. Mother?

Mike placed a hand on his barbarian friend’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. He’d never had much use for that domineering battle axe, but Arthur adored his mother for some inexplicable reason. Yer mom’s too tough ta just cease existin’, Artie.

Nila also appeared worried, hand tracing the outline of tribal markings on her left arm. She gave no other impression that her mind was focused on her family.

The entropy machine must be assembled, Armentia said.

The companions looked around at each other. No glimmer of comprehension anywhere.

The old sorceress sighed. This device was used in creating the universes and is needed to reverse what is happening.

Wouldn’t that make it an anti-entropy machine then? Tarnin asked.

What? I... Yes, I suppose so, Armentia agreed. Fine. Anti-entropy machine.

Tarnin nodded his approval.

This machine is eternal and cannot be destroyed, Armentia explained. It was divided into four parts and sent to four separate realities for safekeeping from those who would use it for evil.

Figures, Mike grumbled. Heaven lost one a’ its toys.

No. Not lost, Armentia corrected. Forgotten perhaps. Placed out of reach, where it cannot fall into the wrong hands for certain. She moved back and forth, focusing on each of them, one after the other. "You must retrieve the four parts. Bring them back here for assembly so the destruction can be reversed. The dimensions already destroyed can be brought back if we are quick about it."

Huh, Mike said, nudging Arthur with his elbow. Ain’t this like one a’ them comic book plots?

What do you mean? Arthur asked.

Aw, y’know. Them once-a-year crossovers. Somethin’ big happens to bring unrelated characters together in some lame, utterly fergettable plot. Shake things up, kill off characters who ain’t so popular, and bring back someone who useta be dead.

Arthur gulped at the idea of killing off characters but nodded, warming to the idea and the distraction. You mean like ‘Crisis on Infinite Earths’?

Exactly. Though it all started with ‘Secret Wars’, Mike said. No!

Contest of Champions, they both said together.

Mike chuckled.

But those weren’t just about killing characters off, Arthur continued. They were more story-driven.

True. Recent years in comics...

The two stopped. The room had become silent as everyone gaped at them in utter bewilderment.

Armentia shook her head. "What you two say may be true, but I have no idea what it is you’re talking about."

Ah, right, Arthur said. Well, you see—

Nor do I want to. Armentia held up one hand. May I continue?

Arthur looked at Mike who shrugged.

Splendid. She rolled her eyes. "Your two assembled groups must retrieve the entropy...anti-entropy machine’s parts and save the universe."

Multi-verse, Tarnin said.

What?

More than one universe would be a multi-verse, Tarnin corrected.

Arthur and Mike nodded.

Fine. The sound of Armentia’s grating teeth filled the room. Multi-verse.

Um. Arthur raised a hand.

Armentia narrowed one eye at the hand, confused.

Fer God’s sake Arthur, we ain’t in school.

Oh. Right. He blushed and turned toward the sorceress. It seems that maybe we aren’t the best choices for this mission.

I agree but am currently low on options.

"I see. Um, well...why don’t you do it then?"

Armentia levelled a predatory expression on the scrawny barbarian and Arthur took an involuntary step back, followed by a voluntary one. He would have kept retreating but came up against Valeria and remembered his desire to at least appear brave.

Well, let me explain, Armentia said, stepping toward the barbarian. Firstly, I am less expendable than you lot.

Aw, just great, Mike said. Least in a comic no one dies ferever.

She levelled her gaze on Mike, raising one eyebrow in irony. And in real life?

Mike shrugged.

"This