The Age of Stupid
By Ian Hutson
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About this ebook
Ancient folk takes updated to reflect true equality and rewritten to remove the overwhelming and thoroughly boring gynocentrism of the original versions. Stories with a little less emphasis on the princess and a lot more emphasis on the prince, just for a change. Politically incorrect, entirely the opposite of “WOKE” and written in the only language that the author knows – florid and purple English English. Please regard the entire title as a “trigger warning”.
Cinderella. Prince Dave almost, very quite nearly, escapes the ambitions of Cinderella – had his motorbike been able to gather a little more speed he would have made it over the barbed wire into Free Switzerland.
Pinocchio. What’s a boy to do when his penis is made of wood and the local priest marries him off? It’s not Pinocchio’s nose that stretches, it’s his little car’s brake cables.
Rapunzel. Poor Rapunzel, stuck in a high tower in the woods with bright red cropped hair and no cat.
Sleeping beauty. It is of course – and rightly so – impossible for the prince to wake Sleeping Beauty from her curse. Without constant enthusiastic consent the necessary peck on the cheek would be regarded as a serious assault.
Jack and the Soy-Beanstalk. Their cow seized and Jack’s mother in Ibiza with her supplier-lovers, Jack is censured by society over the sorry state of their garden and is forced to flee up the Baked Beans vomit stalk to a land in the sky where he actually meets his father for the first time.
Victoria Frankenstein’s Positively Adorable Monster. Starting with rebuilding the family cat Victoria and her assistant go on to show Mr God how the whole creation and re-creation of life thing really ought to be done, and they build.... the perfect woman.
Ian Hutson
Born during tiffin in the sea-side town of Cleethorpes, England, in the year nineteen-sixty. The shame and scandal forced the family to move immediately to Hong Kong. There spoke only Cantonese and some pidgin English and was a complete brat. At the end of the sixties was to be found on the Isle of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides of Scotland. Still a brat. Finally learned to read and write under the strict disciplinarian regime of the Nicolson Institute and one Miss Crichton. Then spent a year living in Banham Zoo in Norfolk, swapping childhood imaginary friends for howler monkeys and gibbons. Literally in the zoo, to get home he had to go through the entry turnstiles, past the wolves, past the bears and past the penguins. Didn’t bother with the local school for the entire year, and school was grateful.Found himself working for the English Civil Service. Was asked to leave by the Home Secretary’s secretary’s secretary’s secretary’s assistant. A few years of corporate life earned some more kind invitations to leave. Ran a few unfortunate companies. Went down the plug-hole with the global economy and found himself in court, bankrupt, with home, car and valuables auctioned off by H.M. Official Receivers. Lived for some years then by candlelight in a hedgerow in rural Lincolnshire as a peacenik vegan hippie drop-out. Now lives on a canal boat, narrowboat Cardinal Wolsey, rushing up and down England’s canals and rivers at slightly over two miles per hour. Wrestles with badgers.Dog person not a cat person. Dogs and cats both know this.
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