The Song Remembers

By S.J. Walker

I have a lousy track record with the male species.

It all started when I was five and I killed my best friend.

I've suffered my penance.

It has all gone downhill since then…

• Language: English
• Publisher: S.J. Walker
• Release date: Apr 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393498438

S.J. Walker

This is S.J.’s first foray as an author. Until 2018 she worked as a certified Rehabilitation Registered Nurse for persons with physical and mental disabilities. Her hobby has been genealogy since 1976 and she has uncovered many family stories as she researched, some of which are included as a fictionalized version in this work. S.J. has been an avid reader all her life; reading a variety of genres, but her favorite being historical non-fiction and fiction. She has wished to write a book of her own since childhood. S.J. Walker lives in the rural mountains of southwest Virginia with her husband of 47 years, 3 dogs, and a cat.

Book preview

Dedication

To Debbi, Joseph, and my lost ‘little brother‘ Nickie.

You changed my life.

The Song Remembers When

I was standing at the counter, I was waiting for the change

When I heard that old familiar music start.

It was like a lighted match had been tossed into my soul,

It was like a dam had broken in my heart.

After taking every detour, getting lost and losing track,

So that even if I wanted, I could not find my way back.

After driving out the memory

of the way things might have been,

After I'd forgotten all about us

The song remembers when,

We were rolling through the Rockies,

we were up above the clouds,

When a station out of Jackson played that song,

And it seemed to fit the moment,

and the moment seemed to freeze,

When we turned the music up and sang along.

And there was a God in Heaven,

and the world made perfect sense,

We were young and were in love,

and we were easy to convince.

We were headed straight for Eden,

it was just around the bend,

And though I have forgotten all about it

The song remembers when

I guess something must have happened

and we must have said goodbye.

And my heart must have been broken,

though I can't recall just why.

The song remembers when

Well, for all the miles between us,

and for all the time that's passed,

You would think I haven't gotten very far.

And I hope my hasty heart will forgive me just this once,

If I stop to wonder how on earth you are

But that's just a lot of water underneath a bridge I burned,

And there's no use in backtracking

around corners I have turned.

Still I guess some things we bury are just bound to rise again,

For even if the whole world has forgotten,

The song remembers when.

Yeah, and even if the whole world has forgotten,

The song remembers when.

Trisha Yearwood

Prologue

Life changed in a heartbeat .  Literally.

Nate called me at work and asked what it meant that his left arm and the left side of his neck was hurting, a feeling of pressure at the center of his chest.  

My 40-minute drive took 30 minutes but I was still too late.

By the time I reached the hospital, he was gone.

Gone.  Gone, like that heartbeat.

One of the only heartbeats that mattered.

"As all the people pass and pose,

you hold back the tears

and hold on to memories.

Small talk hangs like a dirty cloud

Saying nothing real but deafening loud.

An urge to run away from the crowd

and mourn all alone.

Make a promise to no one.

Wondering if you’d been worthwhile."

Glen Phillips

Chapter One

My own heart still felt dead.  It had been nearly two long years since that day.  The normal life I had strived for all my life and finally obtained, had disappeared with Nathan in that heartbeat.

In the early days it was nearly impossible to cope.  There were times when breathing or speaking took too much effort.  My world narrowed to only the moment I was in, everything else being nothing more than a shadow.  I just wanted to sleep without dreaming, but I would lay there gripped in memories and regrets, unblinking into the darkness, night after night.  Again, and again.  

I think that I was in shock for months, in a bottomless melancholy with maybes and what ifs plaguing me.  And there were moments when the feeling of quicksand choked me and I thought ‘what do I do now?  How do I fill today and the next thirty years of my life when everything is for nothing?  When this life feels not real anymore?’

The days bled together one by one until I scarcely remembered what day it was anymore.  Yet life continued in a pattern that my body knew even when I felt like I was splintering into a thousand pieces.  I did all the things that I needed to do to settle affairs, to keep my house in some kind of order, but all on auto-pilot, barely aware of what I did.  Crying for Nathan, for our lost dreams, for the girl I once was, for the emptiness I felt.  For Ethan.  Until finally, I was dried up, no tears left in my body.  But the air remained thick with memories and things that would now never be said.

And I was already forgetting; my thoughts becoming hazy and distorted as I tried to call to mind the exact way Nate’s face lit when he saw me, the smell of him on his pillow, the way his hand felt on the small of my back.  And it seemed that the more I lost of him, the more he still had me.  I couldn’t let go.

Nate had been only forty-six and we had been together twenty-six of those years.  We had a life-plan, goals we had not yet attained.  Life had been good to us, to me, despite the hasty choice that I had made to marry him so long ago.  And maybe I should have known that my luck couldn’t hold forever.  That the pattern of my early life would eventually return when things were too right.

Nate had left me well-set financially; unlike me, having always been forward-thinking.  His life insurance policies, investments, and the sale of our home, was enough to allow me to never work again if I was careful.  We’d owed nothing to speak of.

The year before ‘that day’ I had taken my twenty-year nursing pension and decided to pursue my dream of writing, quickly publishing two moderately successful books.  But although I’d tried since ‘that day’, I’d written nothing else.  My mind was just not working the same way that it had ‘before’.

Our mutual friends had deserted me a year ago, and Nate’s parents phone calls from Oregon were coming less frequently.  Our adult son and daughter had finally moved on with their lives in distant cities, and I had learned how to pretend that I was also moving on when I spoke with them.  I had no parents or siblings to rely on, my father having died young of lung cancer after never smoking a cigarette, and mom suddenly five years ago after a short un-diagnosed illness.

I felt alone but for my two closest friends who were a constant, but were beginning to despair of my morose outlook and the changes in my personality.  And I was beginning to feel lonely.  It had crept up on me almost without me realizing it.  That’s what happens with loneliness.  It’s suddenly there, and by then it’s nearly too late.

Listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness.

Glen Phillips

Chapter Two

Today I opened my eyes to a rosy sunrise slowly spreading across my bedroom floor.  I purchased this patio-home after selling the big old Victorian on the river that Nate and I had remodeled together.  The Victorian had haunted me with memories each way I turned, and was too big for one person, the half-mile long driveway and spacious acreage and gardens surrounding the house too difficult to maintain.

The patio home was enough for me.  It was near to town and my friend Amanda, and was comfortable enough that I rarely left it.  I had the privacy of a small fenced yard with a large porch area in the back where I tried to write, lately frustrated with my lack of energy, or interest in the future.  Ahead of me was the blank page of a new life that I cared little about.

The highlight each day was deciding whether to wear the same clothes I wore yesterday, or put on clean ones.  But at least I was now getting dressed most days, and today I pulled on a pair of worn jeans and a thin tee shirt before fixing my tea and carrying it out to the porch.  Ginger tea, Dee’s favorite, and she had turned me on to it.  Whenever I drank my ginger tea, I couldn’t help but think of Dee and her family.  They had been such a huge part of my early life.

When she’d learned of Nate’s death, Dee began to call at least weekly over the last two years, and we had renewed the close friendship we’d had so many years ago.  Long ago best friends who had kept in touch at birthdays, holidays, or other special occasions, and had visited each other a handful of times.

Our lives were hundreds of miles apart in both distance and experiences now.  We had grown into different people, had different friends and lifestyles.  It could be difficult sometimes to find common ground after all these years.  And sometimes it was hard to talk to Dee without thinking of the heartbreak I had suffered over her older brother Ethan.  Still, my friendship with Dee had stood the test of time and survived what Ethan and I had shared...and lost.

She’d never butted in to my relationship with her brother, and knew none of the details, or how serious we had been.  It had felt wrong somehow to share it all with her, and as it happened, I was glad that it was a part of myself that I hadn’t shared.  My time with Ethan was special and private, apart from my friendship with Dee.  I hadn’t wanted to put her in the middle of us, didn’t want our issues to force her to choose sides.  I knew that I would lose, and I did anyways for a short time.  But I couldn’t bear to lose her forever.

Dee and I had been friends since middle school when her Air Force family moved into our neighborhood one summer.  I didn’t meet her right away.  I was busy with other friends at the time, and I guess that I was too self-absorbed to think of the lonely new girl up the street.  I was also shy and a little socially awkward, especially when it came to new, untried situations.

Not so Dee’s youngest brother Nickie.

I pulled in a deep breath and felt my eyes begin to burn with tears when I thought of him.  He was gone now too.  Several years.  Had contracted AIDS after a tainted blood transfusion following a severe motorcycle accident when AIDs was just being discovered.  Such a waste.

Nick had barged right into a friendship with me and I had soon loved him to death.  One year younger than me, he just suddenly became one of my best friends.  Outgoing yet shy, sweet, steady, adorably cute with his curly golden hair and tell-tale eyes.  He easily became a daily fixture in my life, like a younger, innocent, brother.  Nick encouraged me to meet and befriend his sister, but for some reason that I can’t remember now, I resisted.  I know that I thought she seemed a little strange.  Who in our neighborhood stood outside for what seemed like hours, watering the lawn?

And then before I could meet Dee, I met Ethan, her older brother.  He came strolling down the road one evening looking for Nick.  I was immediately taken with Ethan - his looks, his quirky sense of humor, the way he dressed...every darn special thing about him.  He intrigued me, flirting and bantering with me like no one ever had.  My recently discovered female hormones tingled in awareness of him, but I was smart enough to know that I was way out of my depth – sometimes I didn’t even understand his teasing.  He was mature in so many more ways than his birthdate.

But suddenly there was something more.  I don’t even know how it started that evening, but Ethan was teasing Nickie about some girl, and then somehow the teasing then included me and the fact that neither Nick or I had ever kissed anyone before.  Ethan thought that Nick and I should practice with each other, but before that could happen, Ethan wanted to show us how it was properly done.  And before I knew what was happening, Ethan had leaned towards me and placed his lips lightly on mine.  Then his hands came up and twisted in my hair as he pulled me in to him and slanted my head to deepen the kiss.  His tongue nudged against my lips until I opened enough to let him lick across my teeth and touch the tip with mine.

I remember the shock I felt at that invasion, and the shiver that ran down my back.  Somewhere in my mind, it registered that this first kiss was nothing like I’d imagined it would be.  This felt like a possession and sent a strange sweetness through me.

Before I knew it, the kiss was over and Ethan was looking at me with a mixture of humor and something else I couldn’t identify.  His mouth curved in the faintest of smiles before he set me back from him and pulled Nick over for him to try it.  But I absolutely do not remember Nick’s kiss at all, only that it didn’t compare to Ethan’s.  It would be many, many years before any other kiss did.

IT WASN’T LONG AFTER that when Dee came into my life, and she hasn’t left since.  We spent that first evening playing badminton and becoming best friends.  Dee was a little shorter than me, a little klutzy but cute, with freckles across her nose, and shiny dark hair worn shoulder-length with a little curl at the ends.  We liked the same music and the same games.  We did everything together from then on.  I heard a saying once that the friends you make as an adolescent or young teen will be the best friends that you’ll ever have.  I never laughed so hard as when we were together.  About everything.  Some of the best times of my life.

Ethan still came around, but now only if Dee or Nick weren’t there.  There were some good talks and laughs with him, and occasional innocent closed-mouth kisses, some handholding and hugs.  He treated me as if he cared about me with an intense focus, his dynamic features alive and always shifting.

It all confused me.  I didn’t know how to define our relationship.  Sometimes we would play board games or cards, other times we would just talk and listen to music.  But I often felt unsettled and confused in his presence.  Were we friends?  Was I his girlfriend?  Why would a sixteen-year old boy choose to hang out with a girl three years younger?  I liked him, I wished we were boyfriend and girlfriend.  But I didn’t know the first thing about how to make that happen or even if he wanted it to.  It seemed beyond reach, so I just rolled with it, whatever it was.

I spent time at Dee’s house too that summer, as much as I could.  Their house was the polar upset of mine; nicer, cleaner, bigger – all the ones at that end of our street were like that.  It was like there was an invisible line across the street that divided the nice houses from the not so nice houses.  Our house was even further down the road then the not so nice houses, and was the least nice of them all.

At Dee’s house there was always a lot of laughter and love, where at mine there was either a lot of loud arguing or silence.  Their family was a team, loving and supporting each other, and spending time with Dee’s family turned my lonely existence into a future I looked forward to.  Over the years I had appropriated some of my other friend’s ‘normal’ families, mentally inserting myself into their center.  But I’d never wished it as much as I did with Dee’s family.  This was what I’d always wanted, traditions, inside jokes, affection, a rhythm that was always there, a sense of belonging.  And those days shaped the balance of my life.

Her dad was tall and handsome, looking like an adult Nickie, and he was always so kind and attentive to me.  Mom was a little more stand-offish, and like Ethan, I was never sure where I stood with her.  Not that she was ever rude or anything, just not as warm towards me as everyone else in the family was.  They were all so tight-knit and loyal to each other that there may not have been anything of her left.  Or, although I didn’t have a clue back then, maybe she had some sort of spidey sense about me - maybe there was just something about me that felt threatening to her, because little did she or I know then that Ethan and I would become entangled in an on again-off again relationship that lasted years.

And devastate us both.

"And there she hangs her head to find herself faded,

A shadow of what she once was."

Glen Phillips

Chapter Three

Iwas still alone on the back porch with my teacup empty forty minutes later when the doorbell rang.  I glanced down at my phone; it was only 8:15.  I really didn’t feel up to a visit, but more than likely it was only Mr. Henderson from next door.  He often made the excuse of needing some cooking utensil or ingredient to come over early in the day to check on me.  I knew that I should feel grateful for his ongoing effort, so, I forced myself out of the chair and headed to the door where I was surprised to see a wavery Amanda through the sidelight.

I pulled open the door.  What are you...

Don’t you dare say a word Kate.  Not one word.  Amanda looked me up and down with a frown.  At least you’re dressed this time.  She stomped into the entryway with our friend Sally steamrolling in right behind her.  You’re coming with us so grab your purse or whatever else you might need for the day.

I can’t...

Amanda’s finger pressed into my lips.  "I said, not one word, Kate.  We aren’t taking no for an answer this time.  I’m done with this nonsense and so are you.  It’s time you came back to life and we’re here to help you.  You haven’t done a thing for yourself in two freakin’ years Kate.  Not one thing!  Hell, you barely get dressed, your skin and bones, you never smile.  I’m tired of it.  I want my friend back.  You haven’t left this house unless you had no choice, have not written a word, probably need a shower or three.  You’re coming with us.  It’s just to my house today so don’t get your panties in a twist.  I won’t force anything else on you.  Yet."

Amanda had one arm now while Sally took the other.  She had grabbed my purse from where it sat on the console table.  I really should..., I sputtered.

Yes, you should.  Amanda interrupted as she and Sally began to frog-march me out the door.  Don’t worry, no one will see you in those ratty clothes and flip flops, or notice that you haven’t even combed your hair.  It looks like an egg beater went through it.  We’re making a new woman of you today.  It’s the start of your new life.  Right now.

SALLY WASN’T THE ONLY one that Amanda had enlisted.  When we pulled up in front of her large old house, there were two other cars there besides Amanda’s and Sally’s.  In Amanda’s living room were enough supplies to furnish an entire store.  Full dress racks, make-up cases, a massage table, mani-pedi set ups, and all types of spa-like equipment.  I’m sure that my mouth dropped and stayed open most of the morning as I was spun to each station that my friends had set up.  I was too stunned to say much of anything, and I had the feeling that it was just as wanted it.

Sally owned the Seasons spa, Bree was a buyer for the health and beauty department at Dillard’s, and Erin had a little dress shop downtown.  While Amanda kept everyone supplied with wine and snacks, then whipped up Cobb Salads for lunch, I was bathed, shampooed, conditioned, clipped, waxed, highlighted, massaged, masked, dressed, and undressed, repeatedly.

In the background relaxing music played and an essential oil diffuser wafted a spicy scent.  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone shopping or gotten my hair cut.  Maybe I should have gotten my hair cut short this time.  Something different to camouflage the wrinkles that had appeared around my eyes in the last two years.  The girls kept up a steady conversation that I didn’t feel the need to contribute to, nor did they seem to expect that I would.  Yet more than once my face felt odd, and it wasn’t the mask or the make-up.  It was the beginnings of a forgotten smile.

By four pm I had to admit, I felt better than I had in a long while.  I don’t know if it was feeling sparkling clean and buffed, or just that my friends cared enough about me to force the issue, but it felt good, and I began to feel a spark of hope.  Maybe they were right.  Maybe it was time.  I just hoped that I was ready for what might come next.

"And through the door, what do I see?

Something is happening.  Is it for me?"

Glen Phillips

Chapter Four

That was last week .  Since then I have been coerced into a lunch date two times with one or more of the girls, and warily ventured out on my own to Erin’s shop for two new ‘walking’ outfits, much to her amazement.  Bree has been coming by every morning to drag me out for a fast-paced walk before she goes in to work, and I have forced myself to eat better; yogurt and toast with my tea in the morning, and at least one complete healthy meal a day.

I’m not ‘skin and bones’ like Amanda said, though when I finally stepped on a scale, I was surprised to see that I’d lost twenty-five pounds since ‘that day’.  That wasn’t bad though, I could stand to lose the baby-weight that I never had lost.  Now I was almost back to what I weighed when Nate and I got married and it felt good.  Several of my slacks, skirts, and jeans no longer fit.  If I could just get rid of the grey circles under my eyes and put a little color back into my pale face, I might actually look pretty good again.

It’s been a hard week in so many ways, but I know that it’s something I need to do.  The silence of my home was a weight that had become too much.  And in truth, I was tired of thinking.  Suddenly tired of inactivity.  My friends were right, and I liked the new clothes they’d picked out for me.  I was never one to care too much about the latest fashion, but Lord knows that I’ve needed to update my wardrobe since way before ‘that day’.  I basically had my nursing uniforms and my ‘around the house’ wardrobe, with only a couple of outfits for special occasions.  Now I’m getting there.  Where I’m going, I’m still not sure, and I know that there is still a long way to go.  But at least I’ll look my best when I get wherever it is.

For now, I’m just surviving it all, and if I go through the motions enough times perhaps it will stick and before I know it, I will find myself again.  If for no other reason, I need to do this for the wonderful friends who have stuck by me.  I need to show them that I can be the friend that they remember.  They can’t continue to live their own lives and still devote so much time to saving me.  It’s gone on too long.  At some point, I’ll need to be able to live in this world on my own again.  I think that I was ready to at least try.  But the nights are still hard.  Long, with sleep still evading me most often.

Anxiety is a strange thing.  During the day it retreats into the corner of my mind, but as the day wears on, it begins to creep out, and in the dark hours it sweeps in like a tide, flooding my subconscious with memories.  I awaken to stare into the darkness.  Amanda is trying to convince me to get a cat or dog, but I don’t know if I can make that commitment.  I’m struggling just to take care of myself, and while I agree that it might help to have something besides myself to focus on, I don’t think it would be fair to bring another life into my mess at this point.

I feel the need to write again but my imagination has disappeared, and I have no thought of what my next book will be, but today I decided that I would at least make an attempt.  I have a little table set up on the porch that I take my laptop to when I plan to write.  But just as I’d picked up my pen the phone rang.  It was Dee’s weekly call.

Katie?  How are you today?  Dee’s voice was quiet and questioning as she waited for my usual morose I’m here response.

Dee and her family were the only ones to still call me Katie.  To everyone else I was Kate. Even Nathan had called me that.  I liked hearing Katie again.  It brought back some good memories.

Dee, honestly, I’m some better.  Things have been happening here since the last time we talked.  I went on to tell her about my friends plan and their continued attempts to bring back the old me.

Her voice sounded brighter; her relief evident.  Oh, Katie, I’m so glad!  You have no idea how much I’ve worried about you and wanted to be there for you but...

I interrupted, I know.  You’re the best friend.  You would’ve been here if you could have.  It meant so much that you came for the services and stayed a few days.  You always have so much going on in your lives with the grandkids and Bob’s schedule.  I totally get it.

There was a short silence on the other end of the line before I heard Dee’s suddenly excited voice.  Katie, this is such perfect timing I can’t believe it.  I think you may be ready for the next step, and this time I’m going to be there to help you take it!

Wh-what do you mean?  What next step?  My voice wavered a little.  Have you been talking to Amanda?

I heard her chuckle and then the sound of a flip-top opening on an ever-present can of diet coke.  I heard her swallow.  No, I haven’t talked to Amanda.  But hearing how much better your voice sounds, and all that you have accomplished this past week has given me a great idea.  Originally, I had planned on stopping to see you on our way back from the beach house for our vacation, but I just got off the phone not ten minutes ago with the guy next door to the beach house who sets it up for us before we come.  One of his renters has cancelled for the same time that we’ll be there.  You need to rent it Katie!  It would be great for you to get away. and so much fun to spend some real time together.  We haven’t spent that much time together in ages!

Oh gosh Dee.  I don’t know if I’m ready for that.  Right now I come with some serious baggage that I don’t need to unpack in the presence of your family.  And then there’s the long drive, staying alone in a strange place...

Excuses, excuses.  All lame.  Katie, if not the cottage, you could stay with us.  I just thought you might prefer the freedom and privacy of having your own place.  It would be so wonderful to spend that time with you.  It will only be Bob and I, and you know him, he’ll be gone most of the time on his history hunts.

What about the rest of your family?  Don’t they usually come too?

Usually.  But Ethan is in California and not due back until after our vacation.  The boy’s families might come for one night, but can’t stay longer this time.  And Zane can’t get time off work.  You wouldn’t have to see anyone other than Bob and I if you didn’t want to.  Just think of all the catching up we could do!  Katie, please say that you’ll come.  It would be so good for you.  I’ll make all the arrangements so you don’t need to worry about it; you can pay me back later.  I’ll even have the landlord stock staples so you won’t have to go right out if you don’t want to.  Please, say yes?

I sighed, my mind whirling between ‘yes, do it!’ and ‘oh, no, I can’t do it.’  It would be good to see her again.  When are you going?

She hesitated.  Uh, we’re supposed to take a flight out tomorrow afternoon.

I gasped.  Tomorrow?  No, sorry Dee.  I can’t possibly do tomorrow, I have...

Katie, relax.  You can come any day you want.  You wouldn’t even have to stay the whole time if it’s too much, too soon.  But I think you’ll find that you love it.  How long has it been since you’ve been to the ocean?

I hesitated.  I can’t even remember to tell you the truth.  You know that I’m not much of a beach person.

But you love quiet and solitude.  Think of the writing you might be able to do.  And you love the water.  And you love me!  The cottage is small but cute inside and only three down from us.  It’s perfect.

I was silent for a moment, pulling my courage up by the bootstraps.  Ok

Okay?  Really?  You’ll come?  Dee’s voice, at first incredulous, was now bubbly with excitement.

I actually laughed a little.  "Yes, I’ll come.  I would love to see you.  It’s been too long.  When you came here for the service, we really had no together time, not that I was in any shape..."  I took in a breath to change that subject.  I’ll try the cottage.  If it’s too much for me, I’ll either mooch off you or come home.  How long are you staying?

We’ll leave next Thursday, so a week.  The cottage rental goes from Saturday to Saturday and he has two weeks open together.  You can stay with us if you come before Saturday though.

I bit my lip.  Ok, let’s plan that I’ll come Saturday.  That’s only two days, but I think I can pull things together by then.  If I wait any longer, I may change my mind.

Don’t do that.  No changing your mind or I’ll get Amanda on your case.  I’m counting on you coming now.  I’ll arrange things with Seth, he’s the landlord.  Bet I can get you a deal since he’s desperate to fill the vacancy.  I’m so excited Katie!  I can’t wait to see you!  I’m calling you again tomorrow to make sure that you don’t back out.

I collapsed for a moment.  Whatever did I agree to?

And all across the universe, everything expanding.

At once a blessing and a curse,

a beginning and an ending.

Alice Peacock

Chapter Five

It was a long drive from Charlottesville, Virginia to the beach house in Corolla, North Carolina.  And in the muted confines of the car on a lonely highway, there was nothing to keep my thoughts at bay.  I’d almost turned back after the first hour, questioning where I was going, how hard it could be.  Dee and I had not been alone together for so many years, and there were so many ways that it