Dadding It!: Landmark Moments in Your Life as a Father… and How to Survive Them

By Rob Kemp

Bestselling parenting author Rob Kemp (The Expectant Dad's Survival Guide) delivers the ultimate guide to navigating your child's life milestones (0 months to 50 years) and offers advice on how fathers can best play a lasting, impactful or at least vaguely useful role in it.

Kids don't come with an instruction manual. (Not that most men would read one if they did).

Instead they're shaped by life-forming milestones and learn-as-they-go mistakes which you, as modern, responsible fathers must be there to help them deal with, solve or at least advise upon pretty much from their birth until you've drawn your last breath.

This book will give you a head's up on all the defining moments you are guaranteed to experience as a parent. It'll warn you when your life is going to take a change of course, how your child is going to influence the choices you make and give you some practical, knowing, sanity saving methods of dealing with them.

Each moment is headlined with a common scenario that dads have encountered down through generations – but will still come as a shock to you for the first time. And for every milestone moment, landmark action or parenting task to perform there's a sound advice and strategic solutions to help you cope and even discover the purported 'joys' of parenthood…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
• Release date: Apr 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781472973467

Rob Kemp

Rob Kemp is a UK-based writer specialising in fatherhood, masculinity and health & fitness, and the bestselling author of The Expectant Dad's Survival Guide, and The New Dad's Survival Guide. His latest book, The Good Guys: 50 Heroes Who Changed The World With Kindness is the bestselling boys book on Amazon. He wrote them after his own experiences as a new dad. He regularly contributes fatherhood-focused features to a variety of publications and websites including the Telegraph, Boots Parenting, Amazon Parents, the Guardian, Sainsbury's Fresh Ideas, DaddiLife (as @expectantdad), The DadClub, and Little London. He has spoken at parenting events including the Mumsnet event BumpFest. His work for Men's Health magazine has been syndicated throughout the world and he's made many radio and TV appearances speaking on men's issues and parenting topics.

Book preview

For fathers everywhere who never stop learning on the job ...

Contents

Introduction

The early years: Milestones 1–32

1   Love at first sight

2   Holding your baby for the first time

3   Driving your baby home

4   Baby acknowledges that ‘you’re the daddy’

5   Feeding time

6   Getting your baby’s name right

7   First baby transporter

8   Building a nursery

9   The baby visitors

10 First public nappy change

11 Taking baby out on your own

12 Raising baby’s head

13 Father and baby bonding sessions

14 Baby vomits on you

15 First decent night’s sleep

16 Making a splash at bath time

17 Baby finds what you’ve been hiding

18 Baby gets ‘sign language’

19 Baby gets to grips with you

20 When you hear yourself speaking in months

21 First night out together without your baby

22 Having a conversation that isn’t about your baby

23 Baby starts to talk … ­almost

24 Having sex again

25 Baby teeth

26 Baby pressures on ­marital relationship

27 Baby responds to its own name

28 First photos of your baby

29 Transition to solids

30 First steps

31 Taking baby to a pub

32 Moments of panic

The toddler years: Milestones 33–52

33 Path to potty training

34 Time for baby number two?

35 Fit to father more kids?

36 Doctor Dad – at-a-glance guide to child illnesses

37 Writing a will – who should raise your kids if you die?

38 First-time first aid

39 Kids’ party time

40 First-time tantrums

41 First time on a plane

42 Reading to your child

43 Choosing your first ­family pet

44 Finding out that your kid’s a fussy eater

45 Child tortures family pet

46 Family member dies

47 First time you put your kid on a bike

48 Screening a babysitter

49 Panic that you’re not ­cutting it as a parent

50 Making more time for your kids

51 Auditing your essential dad skills

52 Requesting flexible working time

The school years: Milestones 53–69

53 Dad’s first day at the school gate

54 Getting to know your kid’s friends

55 Helping them overcome shyness

56 Your kid swears for the first time

57 Using and perfecting your dad joke repertoire

58 First time at the match

59 Question time

60 Picking pocket money

61 Your kid makes the school team

62 Civil war among siblings

63 Your kid’s first phone

64 Dads’ race exposes the dad bod

65 Summer holiday survival

66 Dealing with the school bully

67 Parents’ evening and feigning an interest in your kid’s education

68 Child gets a bad school report

69 Exposed to something nasty online

13 facts on how dads do things differently

The teenager years: Milestones 70–104

70 Kid dresses ­‘inappropriately’

71 Having ‘a chat’. Serious talk time

72 Kid starts coming home late

73 Issues around body ­image

74 Putting it all down to hormones

75 Dads and teenage ­misbehaviour

76 Kid is struggling at school

77 Kid comes home drunk

78 First stand-up row with your teenager

79 Fixing your kid’s ­‘laziness’

80 First time as the dad taxi

81 Hosting a teenage party

82 Kid caught doing drugs

83 Giving them careers ­advice

84 Having to punish your teenager

85 Parental differences

86 Meeting your teenager’s ‘special one’

87 Musical differences

88 Political awakening

89 In the eyes of the law

90 Teaching your teen to drive

91 Funding student ­lifestyles

92 Further education: a father’s role

93 Their gap year of ­discovery

94 Sending your kid off to work

95 Child takes over the ­family business

96 Fond farewell

97 Dealing with the empty nest

98 Rediscovering life after the kids have left

99 Boomerang kid comes back

100 Establishing boundaries with your adult kids

101 Dad’s midlife crisis

102 Giving them away …

103 From good father, to Godfather

104 Dad becomes Grandad…

Father ahead

Acknowledgements

Useful resources for dads

Source Credits

Index

About the author

Introduction

Kids don’t come with an instruction manual (not that you’d read one if they did). Instead, they’re shaped by life-forming milestones and learn-as-they-go mistakes that you, as a modern, responsible father, must be there to help them deal with, solve or at least advise upon pretty much from their birth until you’ve drawn your last breath.

From their first words and steps through to the start of the school life, those lively teenage years, moving out of home, finding true love and even becoming parents themselves, your role as mentor, role model, adviser, shoulder to cry upon, taxi service and unconditional doting dad is a vital one. You won’t always make the right decision or give them the perfect advice. You’ll clash with your kids as they strive for independence and you struggle to keep them on the straight and narrow. There will be many moments of pure ecstasy as they surprise you, make you laugh, make you cry and make you proud. There will be moments of anger and anguish – often involving accidental damage to something you treasure – along the way, too.

This book is designed to prepare you for some, if not all, of what lies ahead for many years to come, because no matter if your kid is three months, three years, 13 or 33 and living far away, you’re still ‘Dad’. It’s a job for life … Yep, bet you hadn’t thought about that when the stars all aligned to bring your little wonder into the world!

Remember, though, that all kids are different. They hit different milestones at different stages in their lives – and there’s a good chance that they won’t hit all of this book’s 101 entries. In the event that they do, at least you’ve now got that instruction manual to hand.

There are of course plenty of pre-birth milestones for the expectant dad to be there for, including the ultrasound scans – there’s one at 12 weeks and another at 20 weeks (in case you miss the first one!), your first antenatal class and that moment when she tells you ‘it’s’ time’ and your baby is on its way. There are books that highlight these and give advice on what to do before your child comes along – including one by yours truly. But it’s only when they finally arrive that the fun and games really begin…

The early years…

Finding your feet, getting to grips with your baby – literally – laying the foundations of fatherhood and discovering new ways to dodge nappy changes …

Milestone 1

Love at first sight

Age: one day

Meeting your baby for the first time is pretty much the first milestone on the life-long journey through fatherhood. There is, of course, also a good argument to suggest that fatherhood begins long before the birth. For instance, expectant fathers often start developing dad habits – easing up on some of the more reckless elements of their behaviour, becoming more empathetic, and nest-building, before then. Many men also undergo hormonal changes during their partner’s pregnancy – a drop in testosterone and oestradiol (a type of oestrogen) – that may trigger a more caring nature in preparation for the new role.

That new caring side may be most evident when your baby is born – being fortunate enough to form the welcoming committee for your new son or daughter can lead to the floodgates opening.

Getting emotional at the birth of your baby is to be expected. But what’s not always made clear beforehand is that babies don’t always follow the script. Labour wards, hospital suites and even birthing pools can become busy, fraught, hot and bloody at times. It really does pay to watch a birth or two on video if you’ve never witnessed one before, just to give you a heads-up on what happens when the head’s engaged.

Often, the best-laid plans for an immaculate birth get thrown out of the window when your partner goes into labour weeks or months before her due date, or when there are complications with the birth process, or when you find yourself getting a crash course in epidural anaesthesia, ventous extraction or episiotomy. It’s a bewildering world for an untrained dad. But in the vast majority of cases, this milestone culminates in a father seeing his new baby for the first time. They may be too tiny to be outside an incubator at first. They may be covered in the goo that giving birth produces. They may be hairy, jaundiced, wrinkling and screaming their head off, but they’re yours.

Dad tales

‘When Cleo first popped out I think I was in a state of shock. It was 4 a.m., I hadn’t slept or eaten since the previous morning and the birth was pretty traumatic. I remember bursting into tears initially while Annie held her, and feeling pretty numb. Nothing sank in properly till a few days later when we finally got her home – first eye contact and finger grabbing were obviously lovely moments.’

Nick, father of Cleo

DAD FACTS:

You’re not alone …

Around 353,000 babies are born every day, worldwide – that’s 255 births each minute. In the UK, at least one baby is born every minute, while 51 are born in India and 8 are born in the USA.

Study conducted by

Red Letter Days

Milestone 2

Holding your baby for the first time

Age: one day

‘Support the neck! Don’t let them wriggle! Be gentle! Support the neck! Not like that, oh for f*ck’s sake give ’em here.’

Anon

I can’t attribute that quote to anyone in particular, though it feels fairly familiar to me, but every anxious dad may fear hearing that, especially when you consider that one in five fathers has never held a baby before they first get their hands on their own. Having a hold of your baby at the birth – ideally when you’re both topless so you can engage in the much-vaunted skin-on-skin contact – is often the debut moment. But whether it’s immediately after the birth or in the days that follow, the technique is straightforward and your fears should be allayed by knowing that babies are remarkably resilient and bounce if dropped as their bones haven’t fused yet. Though it’s not advisable to test this theory ...

Here’s how to handle your baby for the first time …

Do support the neck …

You were told. It’s because newborns are head-heavy and have been floating around for months on end. They don’t have much neck strength yet so you need to use the crook of your elbow to support their head.

… and the rest

With that same arm, use your forearm as a rest and your hand to hold the back, bum and legs.

Close to you

Pull your baby close to your chest with your other arm. It’ll make you feel like you’ve got more purchase and they’ll feel as if they’re being swaddled. Hold them securely but keeping your body loose – if you’re too stiff they won’t relax and they’ll start to squirm. It’s also easier when you’re sitting down.

Be prepared

Depending on the moment, you may need to prepare a little:

• A regular birth – the baby is handed to you for some father–baby bonding time, you wipe your hands on your jeans, a towel or scrubs, and then caress said newborn.

• A water birth – Sondico produce a range of all-weather-grip goalie gloves ...

Milestone 3

Driving your baby home

Age: one–four days

All being well, your baby’s first moments, minutes and hours out of the womb will have been relatively safe, sterile and secure. They’ll hopefully have spent plenty of time with Mum – being fed and bonding – before both are given the all-clear to go home (less than 3 per cent of UK births take place away from a hospital or dedicated birthing centre).

It’s unlikely that Mum is going to feel like grabbing the car keys and driving home her newborn and you – though it’s not unknown. So, if you are able to drive then you’re most likely going to be called upon to taxi your kid home for the very first time … and certainly not the last. Even if you’re picking them up in an actual taxi or minicab you’ll still be wise – and on the right side of the law – to ensure they’re properly secured.

Safety first

Car seats – including the ones that form part of a ‘travel system’ buggy set-up – come in the ‘age 0’ size, which is what you’ll need to transport them in. (It’ll save on time and embarrassment if you can get familiar with fitting this in the car before your baby is ready to come home.)

Friendly face

Car seats can be fitted to face forwards or backwards. Either way, it’s vital to ensure the carrier or seat is supporting their head. If Mum can sit alongside them – it’ll be a squeeze in the back of the Lamborghini unfortunately – even better.

Slow start

As keen as you no doubt are to get the new family all back home and comfortable, it pays to ease off the accelerator on this journey, especially bearing in mind the fragile condition of both baby and post-birth mum, when going over speed humps.

Crucially, don’t forget to pack an in-car air freshener, in case your newborn decides to ‘baptise’ the car seat mid-journey – and of course affix the ‘Baby On Board’ sticker to the rear window.

Milestone 4

Baby acknowledges that ‘you’re the daddy’

Age: six–eight weeks

One baby will grow differently from the next, but some developmental milestones, such as eye contact, run to form. Typically, you should start getting direct eye contact from your baby at around six–eight weeks old. They’re blanking me! What’s wrong? OK, it’s not unusual for a baby not to initiate eye contact until as late at 12 weeks after you first clamped eyes on them.

It is normal for a baby’s eyes to wander or move randomly during the first couple months of life because they are learning how to use their eyes together. Don’t fret, you’ve done nothing to offend them – they’re just playing hard to get. One study – published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences – showed that newborns are aware of their parents’ adoring gaze from just a couple of days old, they’ve just not got their visual shit together enough to stare back. Another study found that babies prefer to look at faces of people who look directly at them instead of those with an averted gaze. Why the big deal? According to the experts, ‘Eye contact indicates that your baby’s neurological development is progressing normally.’

As scary as that sounds, the gist of it is that a baby who makes eye contact is showing that she knows what a face is and understands that facial expressions can indicate how a person is feeling. It also makes bonding stronger between parent and child, since it shows you that your baby does know who you are and how important you are in her life.

Do …

• Go in close. A baby’s eyes can only focus on objects that are about 20–37.5cm (8–15in) away – just far enough to see the face of the person holding them.

• Wait until they’ve been fed. Baby needs to be calm and alert to hold eye contact. Don’t try to check this milestone off when they’re hungry, distressed or tired, or you’ll just piss them off.

• Play peek-a-boo. At about 12 weeks they begin to focus on faces and close objects. You can test how they follow moving objects with their eyes. Playing games that involve you hiding a toy or yourself and suddenly reappearing can encourage them to reach out.

Don’t …

• Flick the nursery light on by surprise just to shock them into looking at you.

• Try moving toys, food or the cat close up and then far away in an attempt to ‘train’ them.

• Put your prescription glasses on your baby for a photo, at least not on more than one occasion …