Nothing To See Here: K'Barthan Extras, Hamgeean Misfit, #2

By M T McGuire

A job that calls for a hero ... but they're all busy.

It's midwinter and preparations for the biggest religious festival in the K'Barthan year are in full swing. Yes, even though, officially, religious activity has been banned, no-one's going to ignore Arnold, The Prophet's Birthday, especially not Big Merv. He orders The Pan of Hamgee to deliver the traditional Prophet's Birthday gift to his accountants and lawyers. As usual, The Pan has managed to elicit the unwanted attention of the security forces. Can he make the delivery and get back to the Parrot and Screwdriver pub in time for an unofficial Prophet's Birthday celebration with his friends?

 

This book is written in British English and is second in a series, although it can be read as a stand alone story.

Estimated UK film rating of this book is: U (universal) or G (general)

Humorous science fiction fantasy story set in a parallel reality.

AUTHOR INTERVIEW

Q – Why is this series special?

A – There's a saying, somewhere, that if the book you want to read hasn't been written, you must write it. So I did.

As a reader, I have always loved British satire and humor or humour. I love funny; funny epic fantasy novels like the Discworld series and comedic sci fi like Douglas Adams. I like light fun reads, especially sci fi and fantasy, but I also like a gripping tale that zips along quickly in the time honoured tradition of adventure and action fiction. I love misfit characters, the weirder and more colourful the better. And of course, I like genre fiction mashups; Douglas Adams meets StarTrek meets Doctor Who meets Terry Pratchett and James Bond ... with some Python thrown in. A gripping humorous adventure story sort of thing. I wanted weird alien races, flying cars, car chases, static powered laser guns ... you get the picture. I wanted a fast paced story, a gripping tale but also comedy in the tradition of all the great funny British authors. Maybe I'm as big a misfit as my characters are!

You won't find standard mythic creatures in my science fantasy - I couldn't face the deluge of emails I'd inevitably get from those who knew more about them than I do, telling me I'd got them wrong. However, you will find all sorts of quirky characters and interesting alien species. From six feet Swamp Things with antennae to cute furry creatures like the Blurpons, with their fluffy ears, big button eyes and penchant for extreme violence.

Q – Should this Series be read in order?

A – No. These follow one misfit character, The Pan of Hamgee, but there will probably be more, about other characters.

Q – What will readers enjoy most about this series?

A – Hopefully, the same things as I do: the world building, the characterisation, what, I hope, is pithy, witty dialogue (or dialog) and of course, characters who are flawed and stuff up, and are not beautiful; misfits, ne'r do wells etc. There's not one skinny woman in a leather jumpsuit anywhere in this series. I like writing characters who have zero combat skills, putting them in a situation where they could really do with knowing how to fight and seeing how they cope with nothing but their wits - I'm mean like that. Oh and of course the snurds. You've gotta love a flying car, right?

Q – Do you have a target reader?

A – Not really. I wrote it with my nephew in mind - he was a teenager at the time - but it's more a mind set I'm reaching out to. To give you an idea; the oldest fan of my books (to my knowledge) was in his 90s - sadly, he's died now - and the youngest is 10. I know people working in trad publishing who tell me these books are 'young adult' but my readers are mostly over 45 and close to an exact 50:50 lady/man split. Go figure! :-)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Hamgee University Press
• Release date: Feb 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781907809316

M T McGuire

M T McGuire is a 46 year old stay-at-home mum. She used to do stand up but sat down to write books when she got married. Sixteen years later, she has finished the K'Barthan Trilogy. She still checks all unfamiliar wardrobes for a gateway to Narnia, which probably tells you everything you need to know about her. She lives in Bury St Edmunds with a McOther a McSon and a McCat.If you've read any of her stuff, she'd like to say, 'thank you' and hopes you enjoyed it.Her blog is at http://www.mtmcguire.co.uk and she's MTMcGuireauthor on twitter.

Book preview

Nothing To See Here

K’Barthan Extras, Hamgeean Misfit: No 2

A short story by

M T McGuire

Published by Hamgee University Press http://www.hamgee.co.uk

Click to join the M T McGuire mailing list

© M T McGuire, December 2018

This expanded version February 2020

This book is a work of fiction and, except in the case of historical fact, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Likewise, any events, organisations and products depicted in this book are also imaginary or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to their real-life counterparts is also entirely coincidental.

Nothing To See Here is written in British English and is the second in a series:

K’Barthan Extras, Hamgeean Misfit: No 2

Estimated UK film rating of this book is: U (universal) or G (general)

ISBN numbers for this story are as follows...

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-907809-31-6

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-907809-32-3

Audiobook ISBN: 978-1-907809-44-6

Acknowledgements

Cover design by A Trouble Halved

Edited by Emma Wilkin

Nothing To See Here

K’Barthan Extras, Hamgeean Misfit: No 2

It’s midwinter and preparations for the biggest religious festival in the K’Barthan year are in full swing. Yes, even though, officially, religious activity has been banned, no-one’s going to ignore Arnold, The Prophet’s Birthday, especially not Big Merv. He orders The Pan of Hamgee to deliver the traditional Prophet’s Birthday gift to his accountants and lawyers. As usual, The Pan has managed to elicit the unwanted attention of the security forces. Can he make the delivery and get back to the Parrot and Screwdriver pub in time for an unofficial Prophet’s Birthday celebration with his friends?

Nothing To See Here

1. Another job

The Pan of Hamgee sat quietly at a corner table in the Parrot and Screwdriver pub on Turnadot Street. As usual Humbert, the eponymous parrot who went with the Screwdriver, had recognised a soft touch and made a beeline for him.

‘Wipe my conkers!’ Humbert shouted, circling The Pan’s head excitedly.

‘Here you go.’

The Pan was a dab hand at this now. He’d bought a packet of crisps, which he opened and spread on the empty table next to his, to act as a parrot decoy. Humbert landed on the back of a nearby chair and hopped onto the table, clawing and pecking happily at them. On one level The Pan congratulated himself that Humbert had fallen for his plan. On another, he felt a grudging admiration for any creature that could inveigle a packet of crisps out of him with such ease every time he came into the pub.

Winter was deepening, the shortest day was coming up soon and the weather was cold and damp, a horrible combination. The Pan had been sleeping in his wheels for some weeks now. When he couldn’t, those times when they were at the repair shop, for example, he kept walking through the night, and found somewhere warm and unobtrusive to sleep during the day. In this bitter weather that was the only way. To sleep outside at night was a sure way to die of hypothermia.

It was just over a month since The Pan had become a messenger for Big Merv, and true to his word, the Big Thing was paying a small retainer each week. It wasn’t enough to pay rent on a room or even to live on, but it did cover important things like trips to the bath house or the launderette, both of which were important for a man who needs to blend in unobtrusively, or, from time to time, hide. After all, there was no point in being good at running away from people if they could smell your presence. Big Merv had paid extra for both the delivery jobs The Pan had undertaken too. In return, The Pan had been very careful to make sure that, where his lack of means required him to steal some essential, he didn’t nick it from anywhere on Big Merv’s patch. With the Big Thing’s help, The Pan was definitely keeping … well, to say he was keeping out of trouble was an overstatement, but there were some days when nobody chased him. Even better, he’d not had a delivery to make in over a week. While the extra cash from deliveries always came in handy, the danger that went with each job held less appeal. Yeh. He smiled to himself as he looked into his pint. All was quiet and that was good.

‘’S a letter arrived,’ said Gladys, dumping it unceremoniously on the table in front of him.

Or maybe not.

‘Thank you,’ The Pan sighed as she retired back to the Holy of Holies, behind the bar. Over the burble of conversation among the punters, he could hear her cutting slices of bread. Clearly someone had ordered sandwiches.

He turned his attention back to the envelope and looked at the handwriting. It was Big Merv’s. It would be, wouldn’t it? That’ll teach me to get smug, he thought.

Two whole weeks of quiet was probably a bit much to expect. The previous one was gift enough.

Right then, another job, another brush with death, or at least it would be if the last one was anything to go on. Not that he was complaining too much. As a Government Blacklisted Individual—a GBI—his whole life was a brush with death anyway, so it hardly made much difference. Putting aside the authorities’ efforts to find him and kill him, The Pan had little more confidence in his new boss. Working for Big Merv didn’t so much feel like earning a living as securing a longer reprieve from impending murder with each success. Big Merv seemed fair, The Pan had to give him that, but he was also scary, intensely so. And while he did listen, he didn’t brook fools gladly. That was enough to put The Pan on defensive alert because he had to admit it to himself, he was a bit of a pillock sometimes, and he asked a lot of questions.

He read the letter. ‘Delivery: collect a box from Mrs Dingleton’s bakery on Frontock Street by three thirty pm.’

That figured. Big Merv was a Thing who respected quality and Mrs Dingleton’s bakery was the best in town. He read on. ‘Deliver to Arnhelm Gaspot and colleagues in time for tea at the Garden View Hotel on Waterfront Road at four pm, The Ghengis suite. Report to The Big Thing nightclub—staff door—at four thirty pm.’

The Pan knew exactly what the contents of this package were. Pastries. Today was a day when K’Barthans traditionally exchanged pastries. It was the eve of Arnold, The Prophet’s Birthday, a