Boys Can't Cry

By J.M. Earl

Evan Phillips is a junior at Gate Ridge High School. He is wealthy, handsome, intelligent, confident, and athletically gifted. He is known well among his peers, he has a beautiful girlfriend, half of the school worships him, and the staff of Gate Ridge give him free passes (as they do with most of the student athletes). Every girl at Gate Ridge wants Evan, and every guy wants to be him.
The thing is, though, no one truly knows Evan the way they think they do, and his life isn't as perfect as it seems.
Evan harbors secrets concerning who he truly is and how he truly feelings, and he has harbored these secrets for most of his life. He keeps these secrets because he feels pressured by the people around him; he is desperate to not let anyone down, and if anyone knew what a mess he really was they would surely be disappointed.
When Evan finds a group of people that he can actually be open with, it feels good to get rid of some of the weight of his charade. However, when his secrets start getting out, his life quickly gets even more difficult than it already is... and Evan doesn't know how he's going to push through.

• Language: English
• Publisher: J.M. Earl
• Release date: Jan 6, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463013069

J.M. Earl

I live with my family in a small town in Ohio. I have a love for animals, as can probably be figured out by looking at my profile picture. I have a lot of hobbies, including creating several forms of art, playing guitar, listening to music, and doing basic clothes design. I also enjoy both reading books and writing creatively. Over the summer, I volunteer at my local nature park, and at my local public library. During this time, I am also an assistant coach to a t-ball team in the local Jr. Softball League. I find outdoor activities such as swimming, hiking, and going on nature walks to be a great way of clearing my mind.

Book preview

I would like to thank all of the non-profit organizations that work tirelessly to raise awareness of subjects such as mental health and bullying, as those issues are extremely important and need to be focused on. I would also like to thank my high school, my sister, and some of my friends for teaching me what I know about sports. I still don’t understand much in that subject area, but any remotely accurate knowledge presented in this book was provided by them.

Chapter 1- No One Could Know

He let himself slump against his locker, still sitting on the tile floor of Gate Ridge’s hallways. He tilted his head back, looking at the ceiling for only a split second before closing his eyes, breathing out heavily. There were no other students left in the high school, and he drank in the silence. He liked staying at the school after everyone else had left; it seemed to him that the short period between class dismissal and him going home was the only time he could be completely relaxed and be completely himself.

He glanced down at his nails, which he had been chewing on vicariously throughout the day. He then felt his eyes burn and blur. He let a few small tears escape his eyes; he felt stupid for letting himself cry, but as much as he fought it, day by day, it was only getting harder to hold the droplets of salt water back. A small sob escaped his throat, and he swallowed, as if to push it back down; it made his esophagus feel tight. He didn’t like it when he had his miniature meltdowns; at the same time, though, they were the only thing that seemed to help him release some of the humongous weight he always held on his shoulders.

Hey… Evan, right? I don’t keep up with sports here, but you’re like a legend at this school; you would think you were Hercules or something, a feminine and gentle voice said out of nowhere. Evan looked up to find a slightly tall, and somewhat hour -glass shaped figure of a girl with dark, long hair standing in front of him. She was just barely tanned, and Evan noticed that her clothing complimented the skin tone.

Yeah, that’s right, Even replied, wiping the sleeve of his hoody quickly over his face, hoping to wipe away some of the watery streaks without much notice. He didn’t recognize the girl at first, and he assumed she was just another girl that wanted a piece of Evan Phillips; he played into it, as he usually did, giving his biggest Evan Phillips’ smile. Look, I’m backed up this week with the first football game. I have a lot of prepping to do for it, and when we win, my girl and my parents are probably going to want to celebrate… but we might be able to work out something on the weekend. I won’t tell if you don’t.

The girl held up one of her hands and waved in surrender (the other hand was firmly pressed against her side, helping to cradle some books in her arms). No, no… she let out a sound that seemed like a mix between a gasp and laugh. In a way it was; she knew that the famous Evan Phillips was dating someone who was described to be ‘the hottest girl in all of Gate Ridge’, and she couldn’t tell if he was joking about his last statement or not. I don’t want anything like that… My name is Jazmine F’early; I’m a junior here. I’ve been tutoring some of the other students in the science room after school, and I was doing it today when I saw you here. I looked back at you a few times before I decided to come talk to you. I’m really sorry if I’m interrupting; you just looked like maybe you were frustrated about something… I could be wrong, though. I was basically just wondering if you were okay.

The way Jazmine spoke was hasty but gentle. She really did want to know if he was okay; she had felt concerned watching him act in what appeared to be a defeated manner, and when she had saw tears, she had felt an uncontrollable urge to check on him. However, she also felt nervous about talking to someone she didn’t know, especially someone so popular; she was introverted, after all.

Evan nodded as if understanding, mouth open for a second. He had recalled seeing the girl around, but she had always seemed very quiet; her speaking to him without intention of flirting had caught him a little off guard, which was why it took him a minute to re-gain his bearings. Upon finally processing, though, he quickly got to his feet, shrugging at her in what he hoped was a very casual and carefree manner. I’m good. I was just taking a minute to chill out before I go home and get on with my workout.

Jazmine squinted in doubt. She looked at Evan’s eyes; she always looked to the eyes to figure out someone’s real emotions, as she believed that the eyes told more than the mouth ever could. She noticed the look in those bright, beautiful robin’s egg blues that held marbled pieces of pastel; it was similar to the look that she had often seen in the eyes of her late best friend and love interest, Xavier Saiter, when he was having a bad day but didn’t want to talk. The main difference was that Evan’s look wasn’t as intense as Xavier’s usually had been. She recognized the look as sadness and frustration. Jazmine knew Evan was lying. She tilted her head to the side. Not to be intruding… but are you sure? You just seemed kind of… out of it, I guess?

Evan coolly brushed a hand over his blond, curly, comb over, being sure to show all of teeth when he smiled, trying to maintain a relaxed stance. Yeah, I’m great. I’m just relaxing before I get pumped. He pretended to check his smart watch for the time, trying to make a convincing excuse to leave, even though he had a sinking feeling of disappointment now that his alone time was done for; he probably would’ve preferred to stay at the school alone a bit longer. Actually, I need to get home if I want to get my full workout in before hitting those books. It was nice to meet you, Jazmine… You know, a lot of people don’t know how to react when they come face-to-face with all this, he motioned across his entire body dramatically.

Jazmine was slightly taken aback at his apparent arrogance- but, additionally, still felt concerned at his lying- as she nodded slowly. When Xavier and Jazmine had first started their friendship, Xavier had only lied about his feelings to hide something horrible about his life (though that’s another story), and she now feared that this Evan kid was lying for a similar reason. Right… It was nice meeting you, too, Evan.

Evan straightened as he quickly walked away from Jazmine. Of course it was; who wouldn’t want to meet me?

Jazmine wanted to say something else but wasn’t sure how to respond. So, she just watched with concern as he walked towards the doors of the school, leaving her alone in the hallway in front of the place where she knew she had just witnessed him crying.

Evan walked as fast as possible to leave the building, looking back continuously, making sure that Jazmine was out of sight before he let out the breath he had been holding in during the conversation. He let the fake smile fall from his face, replaced by a cringe as he shook his head. Evan knew that he was nothing special, and the amount of arrogant behavior he had to partake in to uphold the ‘legend’ reputation he had ( and to fit in with the other athletes) made him sick.

Evan Phillips was an extremely lucky person; he had basically everything a mere teenage boy could ever dream of. Rather than becoming lanky during puberty, like most boys did, he had, instead-with the help of a lot of exercise and nutrition-based food- developed extremely strong and sculpted muscles to go with his height spurt. He had a six pack that most people only dreamed of achieving; his biceps were thick and round, yet beautifully smooth and not bulky; and his v-line was so sharp you could probably cut yourself on it. Combine that with the well-mixed shades of blue in his eyes, his evenly tanned skin, his chiseled yet angelic facial features, and his blond, sometimes-wavy-sometimes-curly combover, and he was the exact thing that most girls only saw on TV or in their wildest dreams. He had achieved what was absolutely impossible for others of his age to accomplish: looking like a male model straight out of a magazine. This made him the most popular male in the entire high school among underclassmen and seniors alike; every girl snuck in time to check him out, and many stared extensively, drooling over his every feature.

Another factor that played into Evan’s popularity among the females at Gate Ridge was that he competed in various sports and was particularly extraordinary at all of them. In eighth grade, every sport he had participated in was on the junior varsity team, which was something that was nearly never heard of; junior varsity was always for high school students specifically, and the middle school team was kept totally separate. In an insanely rare turn of events, though, during tryouts the coaches had decided that fourteen-year-old Evan was just entirely too good for the middle school team, which already had too many players, and that Evan could help the lower-level high schoolers win their competitions with ease. Therefore, it was determined that it wouldn’t hurt to move him up to play with the slightly older boys (he was mature for his age, anyway). As soon as he had hit high school, he had been placed on varsity, which was also impressive. He wasn’t the stereotypical ‘dumb jock,’ either; he made straight A’s in every class he took, including the AP/ college-level ones. It definitely helped that he had upper class parents who gave him limitless access to their accounts and who made it crystal clear to him that they only wanted whatever they thought was in his very best interest (they had been the same way with Evan’s older brother, Samuel). All of these aspects and more of Evan’s life had landed him in a whirlpool of popularity among students and teachers alike at Gate Ridge, and it had also landed him Mackenzie Riolla- a current senior at Gate Ridge deemed ‘the hottest girl in the entire school’ by most people- as a girlfriend. Then, of course, other girls absolutely showered him with attention... attention that he always felt obligated to return.

Put simply: every girl wanted Evan Phillips, and every guy wanted to be him.

But Evan didn’t like it.

Evan didn’t want any of what he had, yet could never get rid of a single bit of it either… and there were so many other things that he wanted, but couldn’t have, because of who/what he was.

But no one could ever know how he truly felt; he would never allow for it.

There were just too many things and people relying on him, so he had to keep his mask securely on.

That was why he always relished in his personal time after school when no one was around and there was nothing for him to do; it was the only time he ever felt like he could breath normally.

He sighed heavily as he walked out of the front doors of the school. He swallowed the lump in his throat, realizing that his treasured escape time was taken from him for another day.

He made his way his family’s Jaguar , which was parked in the school’s parking lot. He then threw his backpack in the backseat, and headed home.

///

As Evan walked into his family’s house, he found his father standing in the kitchen, still wearing business attire, phone in hand.

There you are, His dad announced to him. I was just getting ready to call you; you’re late.

Yeah; a girl stopped me in the hallway, sir, Evan explained as he approached his father.

That’s not a valid excuse; you need to get here on time. You still need to do those push-ups for being late, too. You know the drill. Do the math and figure out how many you need to do; it’s five push-ups for every minute you’re late, and, as you can see, you’re five minutes late today. I expect those to be done sooner than later, Evan, Just as cheery as ever, Evan thought bitterly. Evan’s father then gave Evan a one-handed push to the living room, where he always did his push-ups for being late. Furrowing his brow in surprise, he then made another comment. Evan, you are extremely tense.

Yes, sir. And I wouldn’t know why I’m tense, sir, I ju… Evan started.

Well, that’s okay, his dad interrupted. Nothing a little exercise can’t help. Those push-ups will probably help, and then your normal workout later will, too. You need to keep up with your workouts, Evan; we need you to help carry the team. We might even beat those damn Wilfred Zips. We may be able to get the state title, but you have to do your part.

Absolutely, sir, Evan agreed. The Wilfred Zips were arch rivals of Gate Ridge, and any time the Gate Ridge Gators had the chance to face them in competition, Gate Ridge always came out less than victorious; that had even been going on back when Evan’s dad was in high school sports. I have a good feeling about this year.

You better. I expect you to fix this losing streak against them, his dad concluded. By the way, you need to get some protein in before you start your workout later.

Even though they were standing only a few feet apart, Evan’s dad took the liberty of throwing a protein bar to Evan, which Evan, of course, caught with ease.

Evan went into the vast living area, hanging his backpack on the back of a dining room chair on the way there and preparing to drop and do push-ups. He shoved the protein bar into his pocket as his dad spoke up again.

Oh, and Evan?

Yes, sir?

You need to sit up and stand up straight. Good posture is important; it can help your athletic performance.

Evan promptly stood straighter, giving a small smile that he hoped looked genuine before dropping to the floor. Yes, sir.

No one could know anything.

Chapter 2- Game Day

Game day, as it always was at Gate Ridge, was bustling with excitement. The cheerleaders walked through the hallways in their short skirts and crop tops that always made the teenage boys turn their heads, and the football players lumbered down the halls in their jerseys, taunting and screwing with each other in jest. Evan was on his way to AP science when he was stopped by one of them; it was one of the more admired players, affectionately nicknamed by the other football players as ‘Brick’, because he was built like one. Even Evan was small in comparison.

Brick shoved Evan out of blue, causing him to almost fall. As soon as Evan regained his footing, Brick wrapped his bulging arms around Evan’s shoulders, squeezing with boa constrictor strength that caused Evan’s shoulders to scrunch into his chest, feeling his muscles flex. Brick was one of Evan’s least favorite people, and it was mainly due to the fact that he always seemed to feel that he could do whatever he wanted and that he didn’t seem to respect boundaries in any way, shape, or form.

Was sup, Evan? You ready for us to kick these guys’ asses tonight? The Wildcats suck some serious dick; they can’t even be considered a team they suck so much. They’re easy prey, and I’m ready to take them! Brick shook Evan with excitement as they walked, and Evan tried his best to calmly lean away from his embrace.

Evan knew that the entire football team acted that way around each other; they were always rough housing, teasing, or just generally putting their hands on each other. He had been with this group of guys long enough to have a grasp on their social behaviors. However, like a lot a lot of things, even though it was supposedly normal behavior, it made Evan extremely uncomfortable; he never had quite felt that he fit in with what was supposed to be ‘normal’ for him, though he tried the best he could. The fact that it was Brick doing it this time didn’t help, either.

Yeah, we’ll beat them for sure, Evan said as enthusiastically as possible, forcing himself to smile. He tried to subtly pull away from Brick once again, but Brick only pulled him closer.

What’s the rush, Phillips? You know we run this school; no one’s going to give you shit if you’re late, Brick commented.

Pfh! Of course I know that! I’m Evan Phillips, after all! Evan agreed with as much of ‘I do what I want’ attitude as he could possibly muster. However, he knew that the warning bell was going to ring soon, and he was actually eager to get to his advanced placement science, away from most of these people.

Brick, quite harassing him and let him get to class; we can talk game later. Give a brother a break, bro, a deep voice behind the two said. It was recognizable instantly, and Brick removed his arm from around Evan’s shoulders, allowing Evan to finally breath and to unnoticeably get out of arm’s reach.

Oh, come on, Owen; any time is a good time for game talk. Besides it’s not like old man Charleston is going to care that he’s late, Brick protested.

Naw, but Evan might still want to get to class before they start, Owen retorted, seeming to read Evan’s mind.

No way he’s worried about that, Brick replied before Evan could even open his mouth.

Maybe, Owen agreed. He then pointed next to the right side of the hall. But this is your stop, dude.

Brick turned abruptly to his right at this announcement, facing the room, and stopping the traffic walking behind him temporarily. Well, shit; you’re right. Thanks for catching that, Owen; next level of Hell is right here. I’ll see you both later tonight, and you better be prepared to kick some ass!

We don’t kill ourselves at practice for no reason, Owen responded, continuing to walk with Evan.

Brick waved before disappearing into the room, and Owen and Evan both rounded the corner of the hallway, safely out of sight. Owen turned his attention ahead of him, so he could navigate the hallway, but Evan basically kept his eyes on Owen. From the moment Evan had first met Owen (who was now one of the senior year football players) upon entering high school sports, he had found him to be a huge breath of fresh air from the other athletes. In addition to this, Owen had adopted Evan as a sort of little brother, which made Evan feel both secure and uneasy simultaneously.

Look, just ignore, Brick; he can be really overbearing sometimes, Owen now said in reassurance.

Evan looked away from Owen now, abruptly upon noticing that Owen was now looking at him. Yeah, he agreed, trying to laugh as he did so.

If you ask me, he can get a little too involved in getting pumped at school, Owen added, his white teeth showing brightly against his dark complexion. He just wants to make sure that everyone tries their hardest… but you always bring it; he don’t have to worry about you.

Evan forced a laugh once more, now glancing back at Owen. Naw. I’m always great at all of this; I have it handled.

Owen laughed in response. Well, anything I can do, you just let me know, bro. This is my stop.

Alright, Evan nodded, looking once more at Owen as he turned into his English classroom, just as the warning bell rang. It sounded more like an obnoxious alarm clock. My stop is actually about two more doors down, so I’m nearly there, too.

Owen nodded in response, which Evan promptly returned. Just as Owen was walking into the classroom, though, Evan thought of something else; it was actually something that he had been wondering about for a long time, and as Owen quickly started to walk away, he thought that it may be his day to actually act on it.

Actually, Owen... Evan said loudly, hoping to catch Owen’s attention before he was completely through the doorway of the class.

It worked, and Owen turned abruptly back around in the doorway, his two hundred-dollar shoes squeaking as he did so. He looked at Evan expectantly. Yo, what is it? Did you think of a question about the game or something?

Evan opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He had thought that he may be able to handle this, but now he was at a complete loss of words. Suddenly, a bunch of pester-some thoughts were running through his mind as he tried to speak, and he felt his heart rate pick up. He moved closer to the classroom door so as not to block the hallway that people were now rushing through to try and get to class before the late bell rang. Um...

What is it? Owen asked, a look of concern coming over his features. You’re kind of freaking me out a little, bro. I don’t want you to be late. Is it something too personal? Because you can tell me anything.

Except that Evan couldn’t.

Just as soon as he had thought of finally asking Owen about what had been bothering him for so long, thinking of all of the negative outcomes that could possibly result, Evan decided that it was a stupid idea and he should steer clear of it. It would probably be better, he thought, if he just attempted to completely brush the notion from his mind so that it would no longer bother him.

Evan laughed shakily. It’s fine. I just completely forgot what I was going to ask.

Owen eyed Evan suspiciously, but acquiesced. Okay. If you’re sure. Just let me know if you think of it again. Okay, dude?

Right, Evan laughed again. He waved at Owen as he rushed to his science class; he was definitely going to be late. I’ll see you tonight.

As soon as Evan was out of range of Owen’s sight and was rushing to class, he saw that he was alone for the time being... ‘the time being’ meaning all of five seconds. Evan let out a huge breath and brushed a hand through his blond curls as he went to his classroom’s door. How could he have been so stupid as to even consider asking Owen that question? It was ridiculous.

To his disappointment, but not to his surprise, as he entered the physics classroom, it was already full… he wasn’t going to have any alone time before class. This was made even more evident by someone shouting there’s our star boy as he made his way to his seat. Was it too much to ask to be left alone for just a little while during the school day? It was starting to look more and more like that was the case.

Evan shrugged and tried to play it cool as he sat down next to his girlfriend, Mackenzie (A.K.A ‘The hottest girl in all of Gate Ridge’).Though she was one grade ahead of Evan, she was still in some of his advanced placement classes.

I was wondering when you were going to show up, She smiled, her perfectly straight teeth gleaming. She poked him with the eraser of her pencil. Her blond hair was styled in a completely straight, half-up, half-down fashion, and the style somehow went extremely well with her olive-green cheerleading outfit. Her and Evan could definitely pass for a more attractive Ken and Barbie. I missed you, you know; I haven’t seen you since lunch.

Lunch. Evan sat with the jocks and cheerleaders during that period, and it was another part of his day in which he had to completely hide who he was as a person. He dreaded it with all of his being.

Evan cocked his head, resting his flawless jawline on his hand as he looked into Mackenzie’s jade eyes that nearly matched her outfit. He smiled at her broadly.

What? She giggled, her voice getting high-pitched like it always did when she asked such questions. Why are you staring at me?

Evan was sure to run his eyes over her, adding dramatic effect before he spoke. You know… you are so beautiful. I just love you so much, and I would spend all of my time, he reached out and took her bare arms in his hands, just looking at you, if I could.

Oh, stop it! Mackenzie said softly but sternly, her mouth forming every letter perfectly before she pressed her lips to his. Evan kissed her back, making sure it was a memorable kiss...

Even though he knew he had just flat-out lied to her.

Yes, Mackenzie was beautiful, and any guy at Gate Ridge would have loved to have her… but Evan just wasn’t the same as the rest of them. Even though he had her, he felt absolutely nothing for her. He had never been attracted to her, and he knew for a fact that he never would be...

But that was just another secret that he placed on the unexplainably long list of things that he could never share with anyone.

That night, he would play a football game that he didn’t even want to participate in, with teammates that he would never feel he fit in with. Then, over the weekend, he would celebrate with a girlfriend that he would never have any love for, pretending to relish in all the attention that he didn’t even want to be given… And he would smile the entire time, acting as if he was having the time of his life when he really would’ve rather been anywhere else doing anything else.

///

Jazmine F’early had been keeping an eye on Evan Phillips ever since the day she had saw him in the hallway, and she still knew that something was wrong, though she had no idea what it was. She was going to talk to some of her friends about it that night. She was going to talk to them to figure out her next line of action… She didn’t know what that action would be, but she did know that she needed to do something, because what she had seen in the hall -and what she had seen since then- was bothering her and wouldn’t go away.

Chapter 3- Church

Going with his family to church on Sundays was probably the thing that Evan hated the most about his weekends. As a child, Evan had disliked it because his parents had always made him dress up, because he had to get up early, and because the service had always bored him to death. Though those factors were still very much a part of why Evan hated church, now that he understood more of what was preached there, he had even more reasons to never want to go there.

As Evan lied to all the people at the service through pretending to be something he wasn’t and pretending to want things that he actually had no interest in, he felt extreme discomfort. Even just sitting in the pews, not saying a word, but still keeping up a false appearance, Evan felt completely impure and dirty. He was tracking metaphorical dirt in every single place he roamed behind those church doors. Some days Evan could handle the feeling that he was entirely unworthy to be at the service. Other days he would simply have to get up and go to the bathroom or something along those lines to escape the crushing discomfort he had as the preacher seemed to preach every word directly at him, almost as if to say that he knew Evan’s secrets and was not pleased with his lying. Of course, it was absolutely ridiculous for Evan to think that the preacher was reading his thoughts and judging him for them, but he still couldn’t shake the feelings of guilt and shame. That particular weekend it was especially hard for Evan to deal with church.

Pastor Brown was in the middle of reciting his sermon when Evan felt the discomfort of the whole situation crash down on him full-force. He shifted oddly in his pew seat, unbuttoning the collar of his polo, suddenly feeling hot with embarrassment. His stomach was churning, too, a lot more than usual. He wondered if it had something to do with the fact that he had finally almost asked Owen that ever-present question (the one that he could never actually ask) on Friday.

He swallowed hard, his mouth feeling dry even though he had gum in his mouth. The pastor continued his sermon, his eyes feeling as if they were searing Evan’s chest. The supposed words of inspiration only felt like venom to him. He looked away, trying to find any distraction.

His stomach did a flip, and he put an arm over his abs as if it would somehow stop the acrobatics. Most of the people in the church were just looking at the preacher straight ahead, but any time one of the patrons even remotely looked in Evan’s direction, he felt as if there was dirt smeared all over his clothing and the person looking was judging him for it.

His mind clouded with thoughts, though he had no clue why it had to happen in the middle of church and he tried desperately to keep it from being so: the church people judging him, the preacher condemning him, football, basketball, track and field, games, practices, keeping his GPA at a solid 4.0 (that was what his brother Sam had kept, after all, so he surely could do it, too), pretending to be full of himself to fit the jock image, pretending that he was close with the other athletes, pretending to enjoy all the attention he got from all the Gate Ridge girls (even when he didn’t know who they were)… and everything else that he just couldn’t stand, but that he had to put up with anyway. All of these things were things that he could never disclose his hate for.

As all the thoughts stormed in his mind, the heat he felt became unbearable, his mouth felt too dry to speak, and he was sure that he was going to throw up from all the flips and turns his stomach was doing. He bit his nails. He actually felt himself begin to gag and it seemed like it was harder to breath. He needed to get away somehow and do it before he threw up in the church pew.

Evan glanced at his parents, who were to his right, completely absorbed in worship… It appeared to him that they wouldn’t see him leave.

And he was sure to quadruple check that no one else was looking before he did exactly that.

He was certain to go as quietly as possible, ducking to try and hide behind the sides of the pews in hopes that no one would notice the movement, as he made his way to the church door exit. He decided that the large front doors of the church would make way too much noise-seeing as they were ancient, hefty, and loomingly tall at the old-fashioned place of worship; so he went the safer route of exiting through the much smaller (and closer) door at the side of the building, which was supposed to only be used in emergencies. He made his way to his freedom as stealthily as possible, legitimately debating on whether he should crawl on the church floors to increase his odds of being undetectable. He decided that just ducking and hunching over should be adequate.

Once he actually reached the old door with the new stained glass, he opened it just enough to squeeze his finely toned body out of it, letting as little light as possible illuminate the dimly lit congregation area.

As soon as he was outside, Evan sprinted as far away from the holy building as he could possibly go. He ran across the wide, nicely-groomed lawn, getting all the way to the edge of the road in front of it before deciding to sit down.

As he dropped to the curb, Evan leaned over on his hands, allowing himself to dry heave onto the lawn, even though he had tried to hold back the gagging/throwing up while in the pew. Once it seemed like the gagging phase was over, he sat up straight, smoothing over the golden waves at the top of his head, as if to fix an imaginary frizz, then cradled his face in his hands. He legitimately felt like he could breath again for once. He no longer felt the weight that was always on his chest (especially at school or church), and he felt much better about himself, feeling more pure outside of the religious structure. Knowing that God hated you was much easier when you weren’t in His house… And that was why Evan felt much more at ease as he pulled the one picture out of his wallet that always relaxed him; it was the one picture that no one could know about, that was his little secret.

As he stared at the photograph, Evan was given the feeling that he usually held during his minutes-long periods of alone time at the end of the day; he finally knew that he could take his disguise off and be his true self. He had no responsibilities weighing on him in the moment, no obligations, no one to worry about letting down, nothing to worry about screwing up… He could just be Evan Phillips; not the imposter, but the real Evan.

He decided to let it stay that way for a while.

Evan would have to sneak back into the church before morning services ended, but he figured that staying outside for just a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt... And for a few wonderful moments, it worked.

Evan got to get re-acquainted with himself as he stared at the picture that helped him through his crazed and