Three Jacks: The Fun And Games Continue

By Patrick Crosbie

Three Jacks - The Fun And Games Continue, follows on where the Fun And Games Have Just Started finished. Join the Australian Navy's newest lunatics, Troy, Swallowed and Radar as they meet trouble at every turn. Regardless of what they get up to, their friendship is unconditional and they live to have fun at each others expense. If you don't like foul language, fighting, drinking, insubordination, sex before marriage and general bad behaviour, then this book may not be for you, otherwise buckle up for a few laughs and cringeworthy moments.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Patrick Crosbie
• Release date: Nov 30, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463566879

Book preview

Foreword

As with my first trip into the world of writing Three Jacks – The Fun and Games Have Just Started, this work is purely fictional.

This is the second instalment of Three Jacks and it certainly isn’t for those with a weak stomach hearted or those that can be easily offended. I don’t intentionally intend to offend, so if you don’t like swearing, violence, drinking, premarital sex and bad behavior then this book certainly isn’t for you. As was my advice for the first installment, if you feel that any of the above may offend you, best you put the book down immediately or better still burn it.

Being fiction and set in a time that seems like a lifetime ago, the behavior and actions of characters in this book do not reflect behavioral expectations of the modern-day sailor in the Australian Navy. The characters in this book are up to no good pretty much all of the time and some of what they got up to may have been ignored, but that being said a lot of it is too farfetched to have been tolerated in the era that this story is based on. The same three ratbags are the main characters along with a motley bunch of supporting characters from the first book and a few more new ones just for good measure, but the recurring theme is the unconditional friendships formed whilst serving our great country and the importance of family.

Whilst this book can be extremely outrageous at times, I have once again attempted to speak about important issues. I have again broached the subject of racism and how it has never had a place in the Australian Navy and how taking a stand can mean so much to those affected by it. Additionally, I have touched on the subject of mental health issues which at the timeline in the book was still viewed as a taboo topic and was considered to be a career ender. I have attempted to promote both issues with compassion and respect.

So, if I haven’t scared you off so far and you enjoyed Three Jacks – The Fun And Games Have Just Started, then buckle up for story that will make you laugh, cringe and maybe cry at times. Remember that it is all purely fictional and I am not out to make anyone famous. Additionally, I am dead set certain that this will not win any literary prizes or that I will be doing a book signing at any major book stores, but I am pretty sure that you will love the story.

Patrick ‘Guido’ Crosbie

2019

Some Things Are Hard To Explain

I grew up with Uncle’s who weren’t part of our family tree

The impressions that they left me were profound

Not one of them shared the same surname or DNA as me

As a kid their laughter was infectious when the warries did the rounds

When it came my time to serve my parents tried to explain the bond

Unable to imagine closer bonds than with my childhood friends

I was assured that of these friends I would remain fond

Your Navy friendships will know no ends

Confused I asked my father to please explain

He struggled to speak and I noticed a tear in his eye

Confused by the tear because I sensed no pain

Mum told me that dad loved these Uncles more as the year’s multiplied

They left Newcastle on the same train as young men

And came home together again with stronger bonds that never tired

Now a lifetime later I can’t begin to explain

What my brothers who I have served with mean to me

If given the chance we would all do it again

Living the life or fearless young men on the sea

Many of us have gone our separate ways

The smile that always comes to our faces when we reminisce

Some have returned their bedding much to our dismay

The memories and love for our oppo’s is priceless

I still can’t explain the love for my shipmates

Hopefully I can put it into words one day

Definition of Terms

AB Able Seaman

LS Leading Seaman

PO Petty Officer

CPO Chief Petty Officer

WO Warrant Officer

MIDN Midshipman

LEUT Lieutenant

LCDR Lieutenant Commander

CMDR Commander

CAPT Captain

AA Anti-Aircraft

ASW Anti-Submarine Warfare

COXN Coxswain

CO Commanding Officer

Gunns Gunnery Officer

STG Sea Training Group

CN Chief of Navy

MC Maritime Commander

CDF Chief of Defence Force

QMG Quarter Master Gunner

UC Underwater Controller

XO Second In Command sometimes referred to as the Jimmy

Chatham House Rules A promise that what is said will not be repeated outside of the intended group/audience

DCX Damage Control Exercise

DSP Directorate of Sailors Postings

FCP Fleet Concentration Period

Goffa Soft drink or salute

Gronk A less than attractive human being

HMAS Her Majesties Australian Ship

Jack Tar or Jack Collective nickname for Australian sailors

NBCD Nuclear Biological Chemical Defence

OIC Officer In Charge

OLOC Optimum Level Operational Capability

ORE Operational Readiness Evaluation

Pussers Nickname for Commonwealth navies

RAS Replenishment at sea

SCRAN Food – Shit Cooked for Royal Australian Navy

SCRAN Bag Someone who looks like a bag of shit

Squarie A girlfriend

Sea Squarie A chux normally stored under one’s mattress or pillow

STG Sea Training Group

TDT Target Designation Transmitter

WRANS Women’s Royal Australian Navy Service

Part One - New Horizons and Challenges

Chapter One - When The Rest Of The Fleet Think That You Are A Pack Of Tin Arses

After the Buffer and PO Hunt left the Gunnery Officer’s cabin the Bee Gees just looked at each other in disbelief and then pissed themselves laughing and gave each other a high five. Radar was first to speak and he blurted out, holy fuck Batman we could be going to war. Troy’s first words were, Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum. Every Gunnery sailor worth his salt knows that this translates to If You Desire Peace Prepare for War. Swallowed in his most serious voice commented, I sincerely hope that you two weak cunts aren’t going to shit yourselves again and I have to carry you both through a deployment. For once Swallowed’s talking about bodily waste didn't cause Radar to feel sick.

They had a million questions and weren’t able to ask them for fear of the word getting out before the signal confirming the posting. Troy suggested that that as it was close to 1200 that they go and line up for SCRAN. They ended up sitting with LS Downes and he smelt a rat straight away. The Bee Gees weren’t saying a great deal and had the biggest shit eating grins imaginable. He suspiciously asked, what the fuck are you sneaky cunts up to and don't fucking deny it? Troy replied, mate you are imagining things, we are all just happy to be serving Queen and Country. Radar was next, Shipside grey makes our day, followed by Swallowed The Pussers bus is the bus for us. Quick as a wink LS Downes replied, you fucking idiots have got bigger grins on your face than that copper in Surabaya when Radar handed over that $1000. You lot can get fucked I am out of here. With that he grabbed his meal and went to another table to avoid the three loose cannons who for some reason unbeknown to anyone, everybody seemed to love.

To say that the Fleet was awash with buzzes was like saying that Radar had an impressive porn collection. The Bee Gees were good to their word and kept quiet, other than the day before it became official and Swallowed decided to have some fun before Both Watches. They stopped to say good morning to the Buffer and PO Hunt and Swallowed just couldn't help himself and asked the Buffer for two days unchecked leave on the week that they would be posting off. The Buffer looked at the three of them simply asked why Swallowed? Straight to the point Swallowed replied, Brother Isaiah the tight arsed prick has agreed to part with $5,000 of our hard earned so that I can organise our posting off piss up, so be a sport and give me a couple of days off. The Buffer realised that this was a no win situation and it would more than likely haunt him for years to come and hesitatingly agreed, throwing caution to the wind he replied, fuck it, the three of you can have it off and my missus will probably want to cut my balls off after this. Tiger Hunt who everyone knew could handle his piss and was a bit of a mad man roared, you fucking beauty, God bless Saddam, we get rid of you three fucking lunatics and have what will probably be a historic piss up to boot.

Two days later as the Bee Gees were having a brew for afternoon stand easy, a pipe came across 1MC, XO, GO, CBM, CPOCOXN, POQMG Hunt, LSQMG Downes, Captain’s cabin. Sailors are a suspicious bunch at the best of times and one of the Stokers remarked, fuck me boys that is a bit top heavy, I wonder how badly someone has to fuck up to get that mob piped to the Old Man’s cabin. The Bee Gees just looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

When everyone who was piped to the CO’s cabin arrived curiosity got the better of the XO and he simply asked, Sir, what the hell is going on that you have got us all up here and why have you cracked seven Crown Lagers? By the look on the CO’s face anyone would have thought that he had just won lotto and woken up with a bigger dick.

The CO simply handed them all a sheet of paper and told them to grab a beer and have a read. Everyone laughed and simply said, get fucked. Captain Vaughn Mortensen was over the moon, he had been a Captain for all of a week and he was holding a signal that confirmed that ABQMG Roberts, ABQMG Hodgson and ABQMG Armstrong were all posting onto HMAS Belmore as soon as it got back from deployment. No one could argue with his next statement, Gents they have caused most of us a shitload of extra work and apparently given the Buffer grey pubic hair. I never thought that I would say this but, I will miss the three of them even that fucking whack job Swallowed fucking winking at me and checking me out like he wants to pork me.

For the next hour they all had a couple more beers each and they were roaring laughing at some of the shit that the Bee Gees managed to get into. For obvious reasons there was no mention of what happened at the Gold Fish Bowl that night that Sam Morrison returned his bedding and his psycho mate ended up as a poster boy for OPSM.

The CO informed everyone that he was going to break with protocol and get the Bee Gees in for a couple of beers and break the news to them. He then laughed and continued, but first let me tell you the funniest thing about this posting and we have to have Chatham House rules on bits and pieces of this. The others present assured him that nothing will leave these four walls. He laughed again and continued, Belmore’s CO, Captain James Turner is an old mate of mine and he was two intakes ahead of me at the College. He is the best warfare officer in the Navy by a country mile and is well on the way to becoming an Admiral. As good as he is as a warfare officer, he is a loose cannon and I mean really fucking loose cannon on the piss. He is like the Officer Corps version of Swallowed and as a young bloke not a fucking single thing seemed to stick.

The Gunnery Officer piped up, surely Sir that seems like a bit of a stretch to compare him to Swallowed. The CO laughed and replied, Guns, it wouldn’t fucking surprise me if after getting to know the Bee Gees that James gets the Chippies to install three bunks in his cabin so that they can hang out together. I kid you not, he will love the three of them and the more shit that they manage to get into, the more that he will love them. Fuck it, they are his problem now.

The Buffer laughed and remarked, well boss you paint a funny picture of this bloke, I don't think that I have ever met him before. Having four beers under his belt the CO threw caution to the wind and continued, right you lot, this next bit of information stays in this cabin or I will cut off your balls and shove them down your throats. I am pretty sure that he is my illegitimate cousin.

PO Hunt pissed himself laughing and blurted out, you fucking Officers are worse than a Tasmanian family tree. Please fucking explain. The CO looked at them all and continued on, well James Turner is from an old Navy family and his father was an Admiral who had a Japanese wife that he met shortly after the Japanese surrender in 1945. It is well known amongst the old navy-blue bloods that my Uncle Sid who is CDF loved Asian women as much as he loved horses back in the day. There is too much about his mannerisms and his eyes that point to Uncle Sid having porked his mum and got her up the stick.

Everyone was quiet until the CPOCOXN broke the silence with, well I’ll be fucked. I am mates with the CPOCOXN on Belmore and he is as strait-laced as they come. Between the CO and the Bee Gees, they should have him in a strait jacket within a month.

The laughter was broken by a knock on the door and as defence being the best form of attack having worked previously the CO barked, right you pricks’ get in here and don't even think of uttering a smart-arse comment, and Swallowed, head and fucking eyes front. The Bee Gees looked at each other with the well-worn what the fuck have we done look and entered the cabin, to be confronted by a pretty top-heavy group. Troy couldn’t help himself and innocently asked if this was an intervention for the CPOCOXN’s cross dressing habits. At the same time everyone started to get stuck into the Bee Gees for any and everything that they could think of. Some would have cracked but not these three who were laughing and Swallowed placed his hand in the ‘happy pocket’ of his overalls and imitated that he was pulling his pudd.

After a minute or two, the CO called for silence and asked, do you know why I piped you lot up here today? Anyone who knew the Bee Gees understood that you should never ever ask them a question in public. Radar as quick as a whip replied, is this about Robert being a sperm donor for the Buffer and his wife as poor old Normie Baby is firing blanks? For once it was the Buffer who wanted to unload a weeks’ worth of SCRAN at the thought of raising a mini Swallowed.

The CO laughed, grabbed a beer for the three of them and then handed them the signal. Well lads you have got your wish, you are off this fine ship and going operational, you fucking lucky pricks. Best of luck and I know that you will all kick a few goals and definitely cause a few headaches along the way. For the next hour they enjoyed another couple of Crown Lagers.

The CO finally gave everyone the arse and told them to get back to work or their mess and for the Bee Gees and the Buffer to remain behind. When everyone was gone, he put his phone on speaker and told Troy to ring one of his Grandfather’s to break the news. Jimmy was over the moon when he heard the news and couldn't be prouder of his Grandson and his two misfit mates who he considered to be family, although he was over the moon that Swallowed wasn’t biologically his or Foghorn’s.

When they finished the phone call, the Buffer told them that they had two weeks left onboard and that they would have two weeks leave prior to posting onto HMAS Belmore. His parting words were, please keep out of the shit and I am sure that CPOQMG Costanza is already praying for your misguided souls.

The Navy is a funny beast as even in the days prior to everyone having a mobile phone and instant access with email, the Australian Navy’s grapevine was second to none. By the time that the Bee Gees had finished talking to Jimmy, shook hands with the CO and Buffer approximately one hundred percent of the ship’s company knew about their posting. It was highly likely that within an hour every ABQMG in the fleet would be wishing them to the shithouse and back.

After a bit of light hearted piss taking from everyone that they ran into, Radar got onto the WRANS and before they knew it, they were booked for a celebration consisting of Chinese at Bondi, via the Gold Fish Bowl. It was looking more than likely that they would be making an early departure from the Bondi WRANS Quarters the following morning.

Chapter Two - Tying Up Loose Ends

The morning following the news that they were soon to post off HMAS Fyshwick the Bee Gees were piped to the Coxswain’s Office. As soon as they got there the CPOCOXN handed them a sheet of paper each and it was a signal from Fleet, outlining all of the requirements prior to posting onto HMAS Belmore. They would have a bit of work to do, get official passports, immunizations, get wills drawn up, NBCD training, post outs, submit leave forms and any other domestic issues that may be outstanding.

At about 0900 the Bee Gees were then piped to the flight deck and were met by the Buffer, PO Hunt and LS Downes. Before they could say a word, LS Downes got straight to the point, ok you fuckers be ready to go at 0700 tomorrow morning. Swallowed have three 9mm’s, three SLR’s and AR’s and three shotty’s ready to go with a box of ammo for each and there will be nil returns. Knowing that they were going for a shoot, Swallowed was as happy as a pig in shit at the thought of getting rounds down range. Troy was first to reply, why only three of everything Downsie? The Buffer answered for LS Downes, boys this is our first conflict since Vietnam and no one has a clue what you will be facing, so it is our job to hand you lot over to Mario Costanza in as professional manner as possible and I want to ensure that your small arm drills are spot on. For once not being a smart-arse Radar simply replied, thank you Buffer.

By the time that they had done everything that they had to do it was the Friday for their posting off piss up and it was an invite only event. No one could ever remember three Able Seamen forking out $5,000 for a piss up. The plan was to start in Chinatown for a sit-down meal at the restaurant where Swallowed had scored the free deep-fried ice cream and even though they should have been ashamed for their actions, they blackmailed the manager into providing free deep-fried ice cream for all guests. Radar told him that Swallowed was having flashbacks to the sizzling hot plate that housed his garlic king prawns and that they might need to sue him. Troy and Swallowed couldn't believe how good of a bullshitter the King of Porn and Self Indulgence could be when he set his mind to it.

The guest list was impressive CDF Admiral Sir Sidney Longbottom, the CO, XO, GO, Buffer, CPOCOXN, PO Hunt, LS Downes, most of the Gunnery department, Allison, Cindy and Sarah, Jimmy and Jesse, Foghorn and Judy, Terri and Murray, Radar’s parents Peter and Mary and Swallowed’s parents Dougie and Carmel along with his sister Kylie. Dougie bought six gate crashers, the midgets that he lined up for wrestling that night a couple of years ago in Bourke. Troy and Radar just laughed as if to say, Dougie is the reason that Swallowed is such a loose unit.

Everyone was on their best behaviour during dinner and Jesse and Judy were over the moon to meet what they saw as potential Granddaughters by marriage. The girls could have shat in their handbags and it would have been ok. The CO made a speech and then it was all very informal. The Buffer presented them all with an engraved pewter mug and ship’s plaque with the joining and posting off dates on it.

At 2200, Troy informed everyone that it was time to go and there were two twenty-two-seater buses waiting to take everyone to the Bourbon and Beefsteak where they had a private area and their own bar. Even Jimmy and Foghorn were impressed with the organisational skills of the Bee Gees. Things seemed to be going along without incident until the drag queens from Les Girls turned up for drinks. Swallowed who had been spiking the CO’s and Admiral Longbottom’s drinks with vodka made sure that he had at least a roll of film of them both dirty dancing with the queens.

Unbeknown to anyone else Troy had been slipping vodka into Peter the Plunger and Moist Mary’s drinks and they had dropped their guard completely and seemed to have forgotten about the Lord Jesus at least for the time being. They were both dirty dancing with an overweight drag queen and were