Of Parents and Children: Tools for Nurturing a Lifelong Relationship

By Jorge Bucay and Demián Bucay

What happens when a father and a son, who both happen to be renowned psychiatrists (and a YouTube sensation) and who also both happen to be parents and children, discuss parenthood?
Emotionally packed, entertaining, profound and insightful, "Of Parents and Children: Tools for Nurturing a Lifelong Relationship" gets to the bottom of what it takes to be a good and responsible parent; how to become an independent adult while maintaining a loving relationship with your parents; and how to preserve this fundamental and lifelong bond as a source of strength and mutual renewal throughout your life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Upper West Side Philosophers, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 2, 2019
• ISBN: 9781935830641

Jorge Bucay

Jorge Bucay es médico psiquiatra egresado de la Universidad de Buenos Aires. Reconocido autor de best sellers nacionales e internacionales: Cartas para Claudia, Recuentos para Demián, Cuentos para pensar, De la autoestima al egoísmo, 20 pasos hacia adelante, El camino de las lágrimas, Déjame que te cuente y El juego de los cuentos, entre otros.

Book preview

tmp_2a3469bbe11318eab0c85010607f417f_43L4nf_html_6b353ea7.jpg

Upper West Side Philosophers, Inc. provides a publication venue for original philosophical thinking steeped in lived life, in line with our motto: philosophical living & lived philosophy.Published by Upper West Side Philosophers, Inc. / P. O. Box 250645,

New York, NY 10025, USA

www.westside-philosophers.com / www.yogaforthemind.us

Originally published as:

De padres e hijos. Herramientas para cuidar un vínculo fundamental

Copyright © 2015 Demián Bucay & Jorge Bucay

First edition by Editorial del Nuevo Extremo, S.A., Buenos Aires 2015

Published by arrangement with UnderCover Literary Agents

English Translation Copyright © 2019 Upper West Side Philosophers, Inc.

English Translations from Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and Demian by Hermann Hesse Copyright © 2019 Michael Eskin

Smashwords Edition

978-1-935830-64-1

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. For all inquiries concerning permission to reuse material from any of our titles, contact the publisher in writing, or the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc. (CCC), 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, USA (www.copyright.com).

The colophon is a registered trademark of Upper West Side Philosophers, Inc.

This book is also available in print.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Bucay, Jorge, 1949- author.

Title: Of parents and children : tools for nurturing a lifelong relationship / by Jorge Bucay and Demián Bucay ; translated from the Spanish by Sarah Moses.

Other titles: De padres e hijos. English

Description: 1st edition. | New York, NY : Upper West Side Philosophers, Inc., [2019]

Identifiers: LCCN 2018059603 (print) | LCCN 2019980546 (ebook) | ISBN

9781935830610 (pbk. : alk. paper) | ISBN 9781935830641 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Parenting. | Parent and child.

Classification: LCC HQ755.8 .B799 2019 (print) | LCC HQ755.8 (ebook) |

DDC 306.874--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018059603

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019980546

Dedication

Thank you

To Fabiana, first reader, merciless proofreader, provider of invaluable support

To the patients who gave us permission to include their stories in this book

To José Rehin, as always

To Hugo Dvoskin, for being generous with his knowledge and recognition

To my sons, who are guinea pigs when it comes to my ideas on parenting, and destined to bear with me and what I don’t know on the subject

D.B.

To each and every one of them,and to Claudia and her wonderful family

J.B.

Table of Contents

Dedication

Preface

Chapter 1: What Does It Mean to Be a Parent?

Essential vs. Non-Essential

Parents are Made

A Question of Decisions

Chapter 2: Unconditional Love

The Best and the Worst

Why Have Children?

A Love like No Other

Asymmetrical Responsibility

Chapter 3: Ambivalent Love

Idealization and Deception

The Marks They Leave on Us

Disobedience and Risk-Taking

The Best They Could Do

Chapter 4: Inheritance

The ‘Cone of Light’

Being the Child of …

Being a Child

To Be or not to Be (like Them)

Chapter 5: Upbringing

Parents Are not Sufficient

The Task of Raising Children

What to Communicate: Content vs. Values

The Five Kinds of Parents

The Two Lists

How Good Parents Communicate

And what about Young Adults

Chapter 6: Setting an Example (Parents as Role Models)

The Three Methods for Raising Children

Being a Role Model

The Effect of Our Beliefs

Nature vs. Nurture

Children’s Image of Their Parents

Leading by Example

Chapter 7: Educating (Parents as Teachers)

Parents are Teaching Constantly

It’s Possible a Child Will Disagree

It’s Impossible to Force a Child

The RAP Strategy

Chapter 8: Motivating (Parents as Guides)

Why Don’t They Listen?

Genuine Motivation

A Few Detours

The Consequences of Their Actions

The Problem of Allowing a Child to Make Mistakes

Reinforcing the Benefits

The Issue of Risk

Disciples of What’s Good

Chapter 9: Wants and Expectations

What Parents and Children Want

Not Making Sacrifices

The Frustration-Times-Two Syndrome

Expectations and Ideals

Chapter 10: When A Parent’s Job is Done

A Parent’s Job Comes to an End

A New Context

Adult Children

Elderly Parents

The Relationship Changes

Lastly …

Epilogue

Works Cited

About the Authors

Also Available from UWSP

Preface

Writing a book with another person is no easy task. It implies reaching an agreement, if possible, and if not, disagreeing in a way that’s both firm and respectful.

It also implies finding a way to work that allows what’s being written to flow between the two authors, to move back and forth, and in this way to be transformed.

While we were working on this book, we were pleased to discover that the task we’d undertaken mirrored and followed the exact paths that are necessary to build a relationship (any relationship) between two people.

It can only be said that a relationship has formed when, as a result of two people getting to know each other, something new emerges: an us that’s different from me and you.

As therapists, we know that in a healthy relationship the presence of us never causes the individuals to disappear. On the contrary, it maintains and strengthens the existence of a me and a you.

In any healthy relationship, these three things are thus present: me, you, and us. The same goes for this book.

That’s why you’ll find that the book has been divided into three. There are sections that were written by Demián, for example when he shares his experiences of family life and anecdotes about his sons, alongside the reflections sparked by these experiences. Other sections reflect both of our opinions and were written together, with four hands (or two mouths) — the result of conversations, agreements, and disagreements when we met to plan this book and share the ideas it contains. Finally, a few sections include my own limited comments as well as opinions I imagine my son doesn’t share. They were written from a different perspective, one that the thirty-year age difference between us provides (and that no doubt he too will have … in thirty years!).

When you open this book, you might be interested to know whether it was Demián or I who wrote the words you’re reading, or whether we wrote them together. For that reason, we’ve decided to offset the sections written by Demián or me individually from the main body of the text — which represents our two voices in unison — and tag them with our respective initials in parentheses. However, we hope that as you make your way through the book, what matters is no longer identifying the author of each section but the personal reading experience of retaining what you find useful, and discarding the rest.

It is said that Lao Tzu, the greatest master in all of China, once disappeared from the temple where he lived and spoke on a daily basis to the thousands of disciples who would sit in the gardens waiting eagerly for his teachings. For weeks, his oldest disciples searched for him in the surrounding area before sending emissaries to look for him throughout all of China. None of the efforts to find him were successful. No one knew where he had gone or why he had left. No one had seen him.

Months later, a businessman was waiting on a dock for the boat that would take him across the great Min River in Sichuan province. Night was falling when the simple boat reached the shore, and the boatman held out his hand to help the passenger get in. The man paid for the trip with a coin and settled in for the crossing, which would take a few hours. The old boat operator took the money, put it in his pocket, and with a gesture of thanks unmoored them.

The river was serene and the moon, huge and luminous in the sky, invited conversation. Perhaps that’s why the traveler began to share concerns about his family, teenage children, and business ventures; the boatman listened to what the traveler had to say, and the comments he wove into the conversation were so sensible and wise that they surprised the man.

When they reached the port, as the traveler prepared to leave, he handed the boatman another coin for his advice, and it was accepted with humility. It was then that the passenger first saw and recognized the face of the man who had brought him across the river.

It’s you! he said. You’re Lao Tzu … What are you doing here? Half of China is looking for you. Your students are losing hope, but no one is willing to give up your masterful daily teachings.

For reasons that have nothing to do with what I desire, I have become too well-known, said Lao Tzu. Thousands of people travel from afar to listen to me, ask questions, seek help, and my reputation as a wise and illuminated man has spread to the point where the truth that occasionally comes out of my mouth has become less important than the fact that I’m the one who says it.

The passenger didn’t grasp the meaning of Lao Tzu’s parting words and countered him: But, master, we can’t live without you and your wisdom. There are many of us who need your words, your light, your advice.

Lao Tzu smiled and said, I am saying the same things as when I was at the temple, and I believe they have the same effect on those who listen. But fortunately, now when someone returns home and tells of what they have learned, instead of saying with an exaggerated air that they heard it from Lao Tzu, they just say, ‘A boatman told it to me’.

J. B.

Chapter 1

What Does It Mean to Be a Parent?

Essential vs. Non-Essential

If we’re going to look at the relationship between parents and children throughout this book, it’s important to define what that entails. What does being a parent involve? What’s essential to the role? What is it that someone does that allows us to say, This is a father or This is a mother, while we recognize that another person isn’t?

In order to define what’s essential about something, it’s necessary to distinguish its constitutive parts (those that make it precisely what it is) from its non-essential parts (which may or may not be present).

(D.B.) This idea is better illustrated with an example in which my youngest son is the protagonist — in keeping with the subject we’ll be discussing.

An angelic child with golden locks (a completely objective observation, of course), the boy learned to pick up a cell phone, and long before he could speak would raise it to his ear as though he were answering a call and say, Ah?

At first, however, he’d do the same with the remote control, raising it to his ear and repeating the sound. That’s understandable: The remote is a black, rectangular object that’s more or less the size of the palm of one’s hand and full of buttons with numbers … Of course, he soon understood on his own that a remote control is a different object and began to point it at the television instead of raising it to his ear. But the most surprising thing occurred around the time when he was given a toy Spiderman phone. It was a small flip phone, red in color, and not as big as a real one. And yet, despite the fact that no one in my house still used a flip phone, as soon as he received the gift, he opened it and pressed the numbered buttons, which resulted in a ring of sorts and a voice. He then raised it to his ear and, his tone of voice perfect, said, Ah?

How did he know it was a phone? Evidently, he understood that just because something is black, the size of the palm of a hand, rectangular in shape, and has numbered buttons, that doesn’t mean it’s a phone. Whereas when something rings and a voice comes out of it, he learned, then it’s a phone. That is, he distinguished what’s essential from what’s not. And he was right: I’ve seen phones shaped like soccer balls, and those with touch screens don’t have buttons, but all of them ring and ‘talk’, because that’s precisely what a phone does. That’s where its essence lies; the rest — though frequent — is secondary. Put another way: If you don’t ring and it’s not possible to talk through you, I’m sorry, but by definition, a telephone you are not.

What, then, is essential to being a parent? What is it that makes a person precisely that? In an attempt to answer this question, we’ll make use of a ‘comparative’ approach similar to the one used by the child in the story to determine what’s a phone and what’s not — even when the latter appears to be one.

In 2010, the movie The Kids Are All Right was released. Two of the movie’s characters appear as though tailor-made to demonstrate our point: one who resembles a father, but isn’t, and another who doesn’t look like a father and yet fulfills this role completely. The story centers around a family consisting of two women, Nic and Jules, who are married, and their two children, Joni (a young woman of eighteen) and Laser (her fifteen-year-old brother). We find out at the beginning that the kids were conceived by means of artificial insemination using sperm from the same donor (the stuff of movie plots).

Laser is going through the period of adolescence when all of us feel a little lost as we try to discover who we are. He convinces Joni, who reluctantly agrees, to call the fertility clinic to try and contact their biological father, since he’s not legally old enough to do so himself.

The sperm donor is a man named Paul, who’s ostensibly on the immature side, drives a motorcycle, and runs a farm-to-table organic restaurant. Paul’s love life involves one fling after another, and he never really commits himself to a relationship. Even so, he’s intrigued when Joni gets in touch and decides to meet her and Laser.

Encountering Paul has a different effect on each of the siblings, though it’s a surprising one in both cases. While Laser, who had higher expectations, isn’t able to find things in common with his biological father, Joni is, to a certain extent, captivated by Paul’s laid-back personality. Jules and Nic find out that their children have met their biological father and decide to get to know him as well.

For a while, everyone is confused. Laser thinks that Paul will be the male presence he assumes has been missing, Joni channels her desire to explore a world beyond that of her mothers through him, Nic feels threatened as an authority figure, and Paul believes it’s finally an opportunity to settle down.

However, Paul ends up disappointing everyone (including himself), and it’s clear that he hasn’t risen to the occasion precisely because he’s not the children’s father (regardless of how many genes they share). An intense conversation between Laser and Paul, in which Laser asks Paul why he donated sperm, proves our point.

It’s a powerful question. We can imagine that Laser had wanted to know for a long time and was eager to find his biological father precisely so he could ask him. Paul tries to get out of answering with a joke, saying casually that it just seemed like a lot more fun than donating blood. But Laser doesn’t laugh, he wants a real answer. So Paul goes on to explain that he liked the idea of helping people who wanted to have kids but couldn’t.

It’s a good attempt, but Laser isn’t convinced and presses Paul further, asking him how much he was paid. When Paul in turn asks why he wants to know, Laser plays it down, pretending that he’s just curious. But we know it’s not mere curiosity. As a healthy teenager, what Laser really wants to know is: How much am I worth? Sixty bucks a pop, Paul replies. That’s it? asks Laser, astonished. Paul is visibly uncomfortable and tries to explain that it was a lot of money to him then …"

Paul’s response is obviously not good enough. Laser looks to biology for the answers to hundreds of questions. But he won’t find them in his genes, only in his heart.

Joni will also have a message for Paul when they say goodbye. It’s not a question or a reproach but the expression of something she’s been holding in. She’ll say to him, I just wish that you could’ve been … better!

Better …

Better what?

No doubt a better father!

These are expectations that Paul isn’t able to meet. And not because he’s a bad person. Rather, it’s that he’s been called upon to fulfill a role he hasn’t chosen and for which he’s not at all prepared. The circumstances suddenly throw him into the ring and say, Come on, be a father. In real life, no one in their right mind would expect anything other than a resounding failure.

Here we arrive at our first conclusion: The fact that children share genetic information with their parents — or, to put it another way, are of the same bloodline — is without a doubt important when it comes to paternity and maternity (tests that determine the percentage of DNA two people have in common are used to prove this fact legally). But we need to be careful, because important doesn’t mean indispensable or sufficient. That is, biological ties don’t make a person a mother or father and, we can now add, the absence of biological ties doesn’t prevent them from being one.

If it’s not in our chromosomes, wherein lies the essence of being a parent? Let’s return to the film and ask ourselves the following question, if only as an intellectual exercise: Who is the children’s father?

(D.B.) The first answer — that Paul is the children’s father because he provided half of their genetic information — has already been discarded since we’ve established that sharing DNA isn’t a determining factor for parenthood.

A second answer would simply be that the children don’t have a father. However, anyone who’s seen the movie, or watches it after reading this book, will easily recognize the kids’ ‘father’ in day-to-day life — a decidedly traditional and archetypal father, it’s true, but a father nonetheless: it’s Nic, one of their mothers. She’s the one who goes to work every day, provides for the family economically, is more strict with the children, sits at the head of the table … In short, she’s the one who takes on the traditional role of the father and carries it out vehemently and lovingly. Thus, the movie’s hypothesis doesn’t seem to be that it’s possible to ‘be all right’ without having a father. Instead, it questions whether being a man is essential to that role. Nic fulfills the paternal role, and as such we can say that she’s the kids’ father, even though she’s a woman. Of course, the same would be true for a mother: Being a woman isn’t essential to motherhood, regardless of how often it occurs this way. In certain circumstances, a man can do a very good job of being a mother to a child.

Parents are Made

We believe that approaching parenthood in this way reveals that the art of being a father or mother has more to do with adequately fulfilling a role than anything else. We can only become parents if we act, think, and feel like parents. Conceiving and giving birth to a child is thus not sufficient to consider oneself a parent, which is why it’s not sufficient for a child to consider a biological father or mother one either.

(J.B.) Personally, I’ve always said that there are at least three sides to being a father or mother: one defined by social aspects, another by emotional ones, and a third by behavior. In other words, parental status, a parent’s love, and a parent’s role. These three things aren’t eternal (as we tend to believe), and what’s more, they generally don’t begin and end at the same time.

I’m reminded now of the stories of Tarzan, Mowgli, and those of many other similar literary characters who were left orphaned by the death of their parents. These children were adopted by an animal mother or a pack of animals that looked after them, fed and protected them, and raised them. The animals weren’t wild nannies, but real father and mother substitutes for the defenseless boy or girl in question.

Now, I don’t know anyone who’s been raised by monkeys or wolves, but it’s not that