Zombie ZA: SOUTH AFRICAN ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, #3

By Lee Herrmann

You're alive. Then you're dead. Then alive again…? Welcome to Team Z.

Being a zombie in modern-day South Africa comes with its own set of problems. How do you act at a braai? How do you tell your family? What do you eat at the bioscope?Zombie ZA is your guide to coping with being undead in SA, while biding your time until that pesky Apocalypse catches up with you. Stuffed with tips for the recently reanimated and tricks for the undead, we help you to hide in plain sight without anyone noticing that you're dying to take a bite out of them (pun intended!). Let the Apocalypse begin!All in an easy-to-understand volume for the living impaired!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tall Tales Publishing
• Release date: Jul 25, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393290032

Lee Herrmann

Lee Herrmann was born and raised in South Africa. He has always had a fascination with zombies and has numerous contingency plans for the eventual apocalypse. Therefore, while he waited, it made sense to write a book about zombies in South Africa.  He has a great love of by comic books, movies, television and popular culture, and cites his zombie favourites as 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead and The Walking Dead. He currently works in a near-zombie environment as a Content Manager for a big corporate firm in Johannesburg and has had a varied writing background including copywriting, writing for web, radio and magazines. He is also the author of the mystery title, The Manservant Mysteries. Lee lives in Pretoria with his wife Dina, and two sons, Max and Nik. Every Saturday night he can be found going to the movies with his best friend Steve-Dave. 

Book preview

FOREWORD

Dear Reader,

In any area of life (or, death as the case may be), there are certain tomes that are viewed as the definitive guide on that area. The best instruction manuals, reference tomes and guidebooks eventually earn a reputation that stretches far beyond their given area of interest and become household names.

When one is dealing with ghosts, one would turn to Tobin’s Spirt Guide (or, if one chooses to be more current, Spengler’s updated version). If vampires are the issue, The Slayer Handbook should be within easy reach. One wishes to know the name of God for some devilish purpose? The Grand Grimoire it is, though be sure to rid yourself of pesky witch-hunters beforehand. If one finds themselves hitching across the galaxy, there is only one guidebook worthy of your adventure.

But for the recently reanimated or risen? Where should one turn? Your physical form and state mean that The Handbook for the Recently Deceased is off limits, and it’s a difficult topic amongst friends. Oh, what to do, what to do?

Never fear, dear reader, for you hold in your (presumably dying or fully deceased) hands the newest addition to an illustrious membership. The sagacious and dedicated Lee Herrmann has compiled the ultimate volume to guide you through your transition, and beyond. And, most helpfully, it is relevant to your space and time – modern day South Africa.

Part 1 helps you understand what it is you are becoming, or now are: how does one explain away the facets of a decomposing flesh? What reasons can account for your ever reducing vocabulary? And, possibly the most important aspect – how should the more libidinous prepare for this transition?

It is not enough to know what one is, but it is imperative to know how one should be. Turn to Part 2 to discover local cultures, superstitions and stereotypes that you can use to help blend in – you can only moan ‘bru’ for so long. Also provided are tips for how best to break the news to the family, and how you can negotiate tricky social situations. One need not mention how careful one should be around a braai, particularly if there are extraneous pieces of your personage protruding around an open flame.

Finally, even the sturdiest of personalities need some help from time to time. Part 3 will introduce you to the South African Zombie Union – who they are and how they can help you. Remember: zombies are most dangerous when they combine together in large numbers. Know your rights and how to protect them.

No mendacity here, dear reader, simply everything you need to know about your new state and how best to make your way in the world. Which, if you hadn’t noticed, will generally be in a slow and shambling manner. The new future may excite and scare you in equal measure, but like all good boy scouts know, it’s best to be prepared.

Les Allen

GeekXP

[ INTRODUCTION ]

ScratchIntroduction

Gaaaahhhhh Grrrrrlllllll Grrrgglllll Ack! If you’re reading this, chances are you’re turning into a zombie and will be able to understand our greeting as ‘Welcome to Team Zed – we’re here to help’. So much has been made lately of the coming Zombie Apocalypse and how to slay the hordes of undead (see our other books – *shameless plug*), that it was time to see things from the other side.

Image No. 3

Imagine it – you’re minding your own business, walking down a lonely street, checking the latest tweets and munching on a doughnut, when a shambling figure comes out of nowhere. Despite the slow, staggering movements, he’s on you faster than food poisoning at a catered hillbilly wedding, and before you can flinch, his rotting teeth sink into your always-moisturised flesh.

Oh no… you’ve been bitten.

Despite all the hours of gaming and Walking Dead marathons, you’ve succumbed before the action has even started. You’re one of the first casualties – that person that doesn’t even get a credit in the movie… an extra!

Is this the end?

It doesn’t have to be.

This is where Zombie ZA can help you. In your clammy, almost numb little hands you hold the key to keeping yourself unnoticed as you wait for the Apocalypse to catch up with you. This book aims to help the newly infected cope with being infected, accepting the inevitability of becoming a zombie and blending in with a mostly oblivious and naïve society. It will teach you the basics of surviving as a zombie in the melting pot that is current day South Africa – without sticking out like a British tourist in Soweto – not even your family or friends will notice (perhaps your dog might, but more on that later).

By now everyone should be well versed with what zombies are and how not to get infected, plus that’s of no use to you now (for more information on that topic check out The South African Zombie Survival Guide. Another shameless plug? I sense this is going to be a trend.) Instead we’re going to focus on the changes you’ll be going through and how to cope physically as well as mentally (while you can still think for yourself). We’ll teach you how to hide in plain sight, have an arsenal of distracting excuses at your disposal, and how to satisfy your cravings while everyone else ignorantly and collectively bemoans our cricket performance (Go Proteas!).

But you don’t have to go it alone. Being a zombie can often be a solitary experience, until you meet the horde of your dreams. Until then, there is support for you. Zombies have rights too and we’ll be your voice with SAZU (the South African Zombie Union) – merely pay us half your salary and work twice as hard… kidding.

Perhaps you’ve been newly