Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness

By Paul A. Hauck

Psychotherapist Paul Hauck, whose popular books have brought help and advice to countless readers, now shows how jealousy and possessiveness--often the most tragic emotions--can be overcome. Applying the principles of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET), Hauck demonstrates how jealousy is a learned emotion and can be unlearned once you understand why you are jealous and begin to think in new ways about yourself and others.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Westminster John Knox Press
• Release date: Jan 1, 1981
• ISBN: 9781611644791

Paul A. Hauck

Paul A. Hauck is a retired clinical psychologist. He has written several popular books offering helpful advice and techniques developed through his private practice.

Book preview

Summary

Preface

In the spring of 1980 I received a suggestion from my publisher that I write a book on jealousy. It was proposed as an addition to my series of books on emotional problems starting with Overcoming Depression. The suggestion of the new title was Overcoming Jealousy.

The more I thought about the proposal, the more intrigued I became. A book on jealousy and possessiveness had definite merit. A well thought out, coherent theory of jealousy according to rational emotive principles had yet to be offered. The challenge proved irresistible. So here I am again. I have been somewhat surprised at how frequently jealousy problems come up with clients in my daily practice. More than ever I am convinced that an uncomplicated book on the subject is needed to help the jealous person as well as those who are the victims of jealous persons.

Those of you who are acquainted with my other books will feel at home with this one. The full understanding of jealousy and possessiveness touches upon such disturbances as depression, anger, fear, and procrastination—all subjects I have covered fully before. When further reading on such problems would be desirable, I will refer you to the books in question.

For whom am I writing this book? For all persons who suffer from these twin monsters—jealousy and possessiveness. So serious are these twisted emotions that children often drive themselves to distraction because of sibling rivalry; talented adults fail to progress up the vocational ladder because of the blatant mistakes they make with fellow workers or supervisors; lovely friendships are lost forever because one person fares better than another as the years roll by; and workable marriages are destroyed because fear and anger replace tenderness and understanding.

With the hope that some of these disasters can be averted through increased knowledge of the psychology of jealousy and possessiveness, I ask you to join me in the pages ahead. But first, lest we misunderstand each other, let me stress that not every expression of jealousy or possessiveness is worthy of concern. Few persons get all the attention and love they want from their mates. In the normal course of daily events these frustrations often lead to mild pangs of jealousy and reasonable efforts at greater possessiveness.

If you did not care in the slightest for someone, you could never be jealous no matter what attentions that person gave to someone else. It makes perfectly good sense, therefore, to become annoyed, saddened, or frustrated if your partner takes you to a dance and lets you sit by yourself most of the evening.

It also makes perfectly good sense to become annoyed, saddened, or frustrated if you want more time with your partner but somehow other matters keep interfering.

These normal emotional responses are healthy when they signal to you that your relationship is slightly off balance. Becoming aware of your annoyance, or sadness, or frustration urges you to do something about it. Usually you bring the matter up for discussion. Perhaps a compromise is reached that satisfies both parties. And from these efforts equilibrium is reestablished and harmony again prevails.

This book is not written for those whose jealousy or possessive problems are this manageable. They don’t need the help. It is the intensely jealous and possessive person who can best use this book. It is those individuals who lose their self-control that I am addressing. Persons who become violent, who become physically sick with fear, who cannot conduct their daily affairs because of their obsessive thoughts—these are the people for whom I am writing this book. They are among the most wretched of all people; they are so blind about their behavior they cannot see themselves as their own destroyers. The persons referred to in this book are real, but their accounts to me have been altered to avoid loss of confidentiality without losing the essence of their experiences.

My special thanks go to Donna Ericson and Dorothy Meyer, who not only typed the manuscript but contributed to its readability.

P.A.H.

1

The Psychology of Jealousy and Possessiveness

He was a young man in his late twenties, with a strong, handsome face. I tried to figure out what his problem was when he first came to my office, but for the life of me I had no idea. When he told me why he wanted help and how badly he needed it, I was taken by surprise.

He was one of the most jealous men I had ever met, and I’ve met quite a few. One client wouldn’t let his wife visit a male physician. Another insisted that his wife call him many times a day so he could check up on her. But no one equaled Abner.

This man truly was desperate for his girl friend’s love. If she didn’t call him when she said she would, he left his office and drove over to her place to see whom she was sleeping with. He followed her around town, even when she was out with the girls. If she talked to a man at the bowling alley, he’d get the man’s name somehow and confront her with it later.

She couldn’t converse with or smile at another man. She even had to be careful she didn’t give too much attention to her children from a former marriage, lest he give her the third degree. And his third degrees were really something. They’d last late into the night, until Ruby, in tears, was willing to admit to anything just to bring the matter to a close. But once she did that, Abner was off on another tack, asking her for more and more details of what she did, with whom, and when she was going to be open and honest with him.

What happened to Abner and Ruby? They broke up. He was furious with me because I didn’t get his Ruby to love him more. He went to another therapist, who had no more success than I did. So what happened?

Abner wound up in jail after beating up a man Ruby went out with one night. The policeman who tried to arrest him got assaulted for his effort. Eventually Abner lost his job, lost his girl, and lost his freedom. He’s in the state penitentiary with a broken heart.

Now let’s study another case, this time of possessiveness. Sylvia did not worry about Ralph’s going with other women. He was a loyal husband. Her problem was that she wanted to control his life so completely that she’d have his constant companionship. I couldn’t quite understand why she needed him around almost all the time since she was a good-looking woman with loads of friends.

Somewhere, deep in her mind, she felt threatened if she was not in control of Ralph and if he found more pleasure with others.

Over the years of their marriage she managed to keep Ralph dependent on her. Seldom did she encourage him to cook a meal for himself, do a load of laundry, iron a shirt, or write out a check. She loved to mother him, and Ralph, unaware that he was being lured into a baby crib, went right along with her, feeling privileged and pampered most of the time.

As he got older, however, Ralph wanted more freedom. He made moves to do things without getting Sylvia’s approval or without even telling her about his plans. This put the fear of God into Sylvia and she responded by getting him back in line and tightening up the controls.

Whither thou goest, I will go, comes from The Book of Ruth. That could have been Sylvia’s motto. She didn’t let Ralph breathe until he asked her if he could. She selected his clothes; she even drew his bath.

This marriage survived, last I heard. Ralph learned to toe the line and do as he was told. That pleased Sylvia so much she quieted down. They were grateful to me for keeping their marriage together. Down deep I felt our therapy would have been more successful if they had separated.

A jealous person gives the impression of being a very self-confident person. After all, these individuals act like generals about to charge the enemy. There is absolutely nothing squeamish about them. They seem to know exactly what they want and they fight like savages to get it. They order their partners around as though the latter were children. They argue late into the night for their point of view. Nothing anyone can say to them seems to have the slightest effect on their reasoning. If the phone rings but no one is on the line, they know something furtive is going on behind the scene. That’s why you were late from work by about fifteen minutes. These are not accidents. They are proof. The jealous and possessive person is totally convinced.

Can you guess what personality characteristic lies behind such behavior? It is an inferiority complex of mammoth dimensions. Although the symptoms may be hidden, feelings of inferiority are among the major characteristic traits of jealous and possessive people. I have loosely identified six strong characteristics of jealous and possessive people, but this feature is the driving force behind all the others.

Inferiority Complex

If you get jealous, even just a bit, it is because you think too little of yourself. You have learned a bad psychological act, and you have learned to do it very well. Which act? Self-blame.

You judge yourself by your actions, your performance, your achievements, your friends, and your possessions. You literally believe you are better as a human being because you are better-looking, or smarter, or richer, or more talented. To you, a person and the person’s behavior are inseparable. If you get a promotion (which is clear proof of your vocational talent), you suddenly and miraculously also think you are a better person. And if you lose a job, or your money, or your good looks, you conclude you’re less of a person.

You’d have to do that, wouldn’t you? If we as persons are inseparable from everything connected with us, then it makes sense to damn or praise ourselves depending upon what happens to us.

Blame, as I use the term psychologically, means that you have attacked yourself in two ways: (a) for not having success, or money, or love, and (b) then concluding that you, as a total human being, are worthless and inferior. That’s how the inferiority complex originates and maintains itself.

One of the most unfortunate standards you, the jealous person, use to judge worthiness is whether or not you are loved. Approval or disapproval by a loved one means the same to you as the Roman emperor’s thumb meant to the gladiator in the Colosseum: thumb up and his life was saved, thumb down and he was instantly killed.

Rejection is the big monster, the boogeyman, the adult

Reviews for Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness

[Juan Paulo Nepomuceno · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I really reading this book, the author has a very practical advice.