Why Managers Suck

By Willie Qwit

Let’s begin with the basics. Most managers in the United States are really awful. They care much more about themselves than do about trying to do a good job, or treat their employees with dignity and respect.

You can find truly dreadful managers at all levels in nearly all organizations, from the inexperienced newbie assistant manager at your local burger doodle on up to the greed-and-sex crazed board room executives that run (and ruin) the most humongous corporations. Those senior level managers that are rewarded so handsomely for their purported managerial skills are in fact the most incompetent managers on the face of the earth.

These terrible managers suck regardless of their age, sex, gender, sexual orientation, national origin, religion, political affiliation, hair color, educational level, criminal history, reading preferences, shoe size, or response to the “paper or plastic?” question.

Vast numbers of hideous managers exist today because of the basic and flawed tenants of organizational dynamics that are prevalent throughout the United States. In short, managers are not held accountable for their faults or their failures. Legions of managers spend their days dodging work so they have more time to jockey for promotions. Dishonesty and fraud are not only tolerated, but are encouraged. Juicy bonuses and stock options are doled out to managers even when organizational profits are in the tank. Discrimination based on gender, age, race, sexual orientation, and other factors runs rampant. It’s nearly impossible to find a female in the workplace that hasn’t suffered the humiliation of sexual harassment or sexual assault from a male manager.

This culture of crap is so deeply ingrained in our society that it will take years to change, if indeed it ever will. No purported new way of thinking or clever catch phrase suggesting a paradigm shift will do the trick. A complete and total revamping of the management processes in our country is necessary if we are to rid ourselves of the current plague of hideous management that is dragging this country down.

The good news is that there actually are a few decent managers left in the United States. Most of them will die at an early age from the heart attacks and strokes brought on by the enormous stress of trying to do the nearly impossible job of being a good manager. Many others will ultimately give up on the management game altogether, and will take demotions and pay cuts for the chance to once again do honest work, be productive, and feel good about themselves. A few stalwart and well-intentioned managers will continue to persevere despite the overwhelming odds, fighting the good fight and giving 100% every day to do the very best job they can do. Those few brave souls are this country’s only true hope for the future.
Hundreds if not thousands of books have been written about management. Nearly all of them are useless, even though on a conceptual level some might contain reasonably decent advice. The problem with the management books on the market today is that they don’t take into consideration the simple fact that most of the managers in business today are truly abysmal, and have no intention of ever trying doing their jobs any better.

You’ve probably already figured out that this book is different from the others. It doesn’t lay out any trite, overly-simplistic, thirty-second-per-day processes that managers can follow to magically become better. And it doesn’t direct the reader to a web site where worthless motivational videos are on sale for $39.95 apiece with a money back guarantee that will never be honored. What this book does do is explain why so many managers in this country suck so badly and, sadly, why you shouldn’t hold out much hope for things to change anytime soon.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Willie Qwit
• Release date: Dec 20, 2010
• ISBN: 9780463083239

Willie Qwit

Livin' the dream in Birmingham, Alabama.

Book preview

Why Managers Suck

Published by Willie Qwit at Smashwords.com

Copyright 2019 Willie Qwit

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Dedication

Forward

Chapter 1 – The Physiology and Psychology of Managers

Chapter 2 – Human Resources

Chapter 3 – Leadership

Chapter 4 – Hiring and Retention

Chapter 5 – Performance Reviews, Salary Administration, and Promotions

Chapter 6 – Career Planning and Employee Development

Chapter 7 – Recognition and Motivation

Chapter 8 – Diversity in the Workplace

Chapter 9 – Conflict Resolution

Chapter 10 – Reorganizations and Transitions

Chapter 11 – Terminations and Layoffs

Chapter 12 – Outsourcing and Offshoring

Chapter 13 – Foreign Workers and Immigration

Chapter 14 – The Team Concept

Chapter 15 – Collaborative Management

Chapter 16 – Communications

Chapter 17 – Family Owned Businesses

Chapter 18 – Job Perks

Chapter 19 – Manager Lifestyles

Chapter 20 – Productivity Tools

Chapter 21 – Stock, Debt, and 401(k) Plans

Chapter 22 – Management Trends

Chapter 23 – Is There Any Hope?

# # #

Dedication

I retired in 2017 after spending 44 years working in the Information Technology field. One day while I was working on this book I counted up the total number of bosses I had through the years. As it turns out I had a grand total of 37 different bosses (that is not a typo). Next I used an overly simplistic system to rank them as having been horrible, average, or outstanding. The final tally was as follows: Five horrible bosses, 29 average bosses, and three outstanding bosses.

This book is dedicated to my three outstanding bosses, three fantastic human beings with the kind of class and dignity that motivates a person to do their very best for them. Unfortunately, one of them passed away several years ago. Thankfully the other two are very much alive and well, demonstrating on a daily basis how excellence in management is accomplished and making the world a better place in the process. For a variety of reasons I won’t name them here, but they know who they are.

Willie Qwit

Birmingham, Alabama

Forward

Most of the managers that infest organizations in the United States today are lazy, heartless, incompetent losers. They aren’t interested in trying to do a good job, and they couldn’t care less if the people that work for them live or die (although they do find it annoying when they have to replace deceased workers found slumped over their workstations that were literally worked to death).

You can find truly dreadful managers in all organizations and at all levels, from the inexperienced newbie assistant manager at your local burger doodle on up to the greed-and-sex crazed board room executives that run (and ruin) the most humongous corporations. Those senior level managers that are rewarded so handsomely for their purported managerial skills are in fact the most incompetent managers on the face of the earth.

These terrible managers suck regardless of their age, sex, gender, sexual orientation, national origin, religion, political affiliation, hair color, educational level, criminal history, reading preferences, shoe size, or response to the paper or plastic? question.

The odds are incredibly high that you have a manager. The only people without managers are those that don’t work outside the home and those that own their own businesses. Congratulations to you if you fall into either category, although if you own your own business and have employees besides yourself the odds are high that you’re a crappy manager.

Vast numbers of hideous managers exist today because of the basic and flawed tenants of organizational dynamics that are prevalent throughout the United States. In short, managers are not held accountable for their faults or their failures. Legions of managers spend their days dodging work so they have more time to jockey for promotions. Dishonesty and fraud are not only tolerated, but are encouraged. Juicy bonuses and stock options are doled out to managers even when organizational profits are in the tank. Discrimination based on gender, age, race, sexual orientation, and other factors runs rampant. It’s nearly impossible to find a female in the workplace that hasn’t suffered the humiliation of sexual harassment or sexual assault from a male manager.

This culture of crap is so deeply ingrained in our society that it will take years to change, if indeed it ever will. No purported new way of thinking or clever catch phrase suggesting a paradigm shift will do the trick. A complete and total revamping of the management processes in our country is necessary if we are to rid ourselves of the current plague of hideous management that is dragging this country down.

The good news is that there actually are a few decent managers left in the United States. Most of them will die at an early age from the heart attacks and strokes brought on by the enormous stress of trying to do the nearly impossible job of being a good manager. Many others will ultimately give up on the management game altogether, and will take demotions and pay cuts for the chance to once again do honest work, be productive, and feel good about themselves. A few stalwart and well-intentioned managers will continue to persevere despite the overwhelming odds, fighting the good fight and giving 100% every day to do the very best job they can do. Those few brave souls are this country’s only true hope for the future.

Hundreds if not thousands of books have been written about management. Nearly all of them are useless, even though on a conceptual level some might contain reasonably decent advice. The problem with the management books on the market today is that they don’t take into consideration the simple fact that most of the managers in business today are apathetic and useless, and have no intention of ever doing their jobs any better.

You’ve probably already figured out that this book is different from the others. It doesn’t lay out any trite, overly-simplistic, thirty-second-per-day processes that managers can follow to magically become better. And it doesn’t direct the reader to a web site where worthless motivational videos are on sale for $39.95 apiece with a money back guarantee that will never be honored. What this book does do is explain why so many managers in this country suck so badly and, sadly, why you shouldn’t hold out much hope for things to change anytime soon.

Make no mistake about it. Most managers are major assholes, and your best defense against them is knowledge. This book will give you the knowledge and insight you need to understand how and why managers think and behave the way they do.

Author’s note: All references to manager or managers in this book should be assumed to represent some percentage of the total number of managers in this country. The reader must decide, based on his or her own personal experiences, what that percentage is. Most readers will probably land on a number well in excess of 90%. Gender-specific pronouns such as he and his should be assumed to represent he or she, his or her, and so on. Finally, it should be noted that although there are plenty of crappy female and other minority group managers in the United States, the vast majority of the really horrific ones are middle aged white guys.

Chapter 1 - The Physiology and Psychology of Managers

Basic Physiology

DNA samples recovered from the fossil record have enabled scientists to establish that human beings (Homo sapiens) evolved in Africa around 250,000 years ago. Humans have used their large and highly sophisticated brains over time to develop language, analytical and abstract thought, as well as a wide range of complex emotions.

Scientists have also studied the fossil record of managers (Homo manageriens), bipedal primates that are similar to Homo sapiens in many ways, but technically are not human. At the genetic level managers more closely resemble Neanderthals (Homo neanderthalensis). In 2005 a team of holistic psychic anthropologists from a prominent mail order university was able to determine that the trigger event for manager evolution occurred around 50,000 years ago when a cave man suggested to his clan that they should pick someone to lead them on their next woolly mammoth hunt. The guy they chose became the first manager on earth. He did survive the hunt, although the rest of his clan was killed by a streak of saber tooth tigers. From that point on the fate of ordinary workers has been pretty bleak.

Managers feature the prominent brow-ridges and long, low, thick skulls commonly associated with Neanderthals. Managers are dense and slow-witted, and have a very low capacity for learning. The brains of managers are not sufficiently developed to support complex emotions like sympathy, compassion, humility, and patience. They are, however, capable of expressing more primitive emotions such as rage, jealousy, envy, and revenge.

The thick skulls of managers render CT scans, MRIs, and ultrasounds only marginally useful in the study of managerial brains. Because of this limitation brain researchers have had to rely heavily on the data they obtain from brain tissue samples retrieved from managers during autopsies. Most of the available research data has come from brain tissue taken from dead managers. Brain tissue taken from live managers yields much better data, although many medical professionals frown on the practice.

Autopsy data has proven conclusively that managers’ brains shrink as they age. This phenomenon is known as manager brain atrophy, or MBA. The brain of a 30 year old manager is, on average, 75% the size of a human brain. 45 year old managers have brains around 50% the size of human brains, and the brains of 50 year old managers are typically only 10% the size of human brains.

MBA (manager brain atrophy) is much worse in managers that have an MBA (masters in business administration). One recent study documented the case of a pea sized brain found bouncing around inside the skull of a manager with MBA and an MBA.

Research has also shown that people (human beings) with higher IQs are less prone to schizophrenia and severe depression, and people with lower IQs have a predisposition for dementia. This data, although not directly transferable to non-human life forms such as managers, does nevertheless help explain why managers are so fucking crazy.

Scientific studies conducted on managers have shown that they are extremely stupid. The average intelligent quotient (IQ) for human beings is 100, while the average IQ for managers hovers around 25.

Managers have been known to attempt to breed with human beings. Such behavior is legal in the United States, although it’s been banned in most civilized nations of the world. The act of copulation between a manager and a human is visually revolting, but fortunately reproduction is not possible. The chromosomal differences between humans and managers are what make reproduction between the species impossible. Human beings have 46 chromosomes (23 pairs), while managers have only four (two pairs).

The following list presents the number of chromosomes found in various life forms on this planet.

46 - Human being

40 - Mango

38 - Pig

32 - Yeast

18 - Radish

13 - Amoeba

08 - Fruit fly

06 - Mosquito

04 - Manager

External Physical Appearances

Managers are fairly easy to identify when they’re at work (usually but not always they’re slumped at their desks staring at the wall with their mouths hanging open), but they can be harder to spot when they’re away from the workplace. Evolution and the process of natural selection have worked against us all, because managers have developed the ability to blend into society fairly well.

The physical appearance of a manager is extremely important in the workplace. In fact, it’s far more important than the manager’s essential skill set (golf handicap, lack of scruples, ready access to good home game tickets, willingness to abuse employees, and so on). Physically attractive managers convey a subliminal message that the people running the organization must really have their shit together. Despite that prevailing logic it is interesting to note that most managers in this country are extremely ugly.

Ugly managers are limited in how far up the organizational ladder they can climb, no matter how much golf they play or how many blow jobs they dole out. Appearance-conscious senior managers can tolerate lower level ugly managers as long as they don’t have to look at them every day. However, the prospect of being constantly surrounded by a bunch of ugly subordinate managers is a real show stopper for most senior managers.

Let’s briefly examine the influences that physical appearances exert on the dynamics that exist between managers and subordinates.

Physically attractive female managers do exist, although they are extraordinarily rare. Those that agree to engage in perverse sexual acts with their male managers often do quite well in organizations. Kinky sexual favors have been proven to yield impressive raises, hefty promotions, and preferential treatment when dispensed judiciously by female managers. Physically attractive female managers that only engage in regular sex with their male bosses do pretty well for a month or two, but inevitably end up emptying trash cans or washing dishes in the cafeteria. Physically attractive female managers that refuse to have any kind of sex with their male bosses are frequently found dead in convenience store dumpsters.

Physically attractive female managers that report to higher level female managers are in deep shit. Good looking female managers are viewed as direct threats to their higher level female managers, and especially so if the higher level female manager is ugly. In these cases the boss resents the subordinate manager, and therefore hates her and is constantly out to destroy her. The only hope for a physically attractive female manager caught in this trap is to transfer to a position where she has a male boss before she gets fired, mugged, or murdered.

Generally speaking the same rules apply for male managers, although physically attractive male managers are even more rare than their attractive female counterparts. Here’s a table that summarizes the boss-subordinate-attractive-ugly dynamics. Remember, the same boss-subordinate rules are in play no matter how far up the food chain you go.

What an attractive male manager thinks about…

An attractive female subordinate: I want to have sex with her.

An unattractive female subordinate: I want to have sex with her.

An attractive male subordinate: I’m gonna fire his ass.

An unattractive male subordinate: I need more like him.

What an unattractive male manager thinks about…

An attractive female subordinate: I want to have sex with her.

An unattractive female subordinate: I want to have sex with her.

An attractive male subordinate: I’m gonna kill him, send his corpse through a wood chipper, and then fire his ass.

An unattractive male subordinate: I need more like him.

What an attractive female manager thinks about…

An attractive male subordinate: I want to make love with him.

An unattractive male subordinate: I need more like him.

An attractive female subordinate: I hate that bitch. I don’t trust that bitch.

An unattractive female subordinate: I need more like her.

What an unattractive female manager thinks about…

An attractive male subordinate: I want to make love with him.

An unattractive male subordinate: I wish that little weasel would quit staring at my boobs.

An attractive female subordinate: I’m gonna kill that bitch.

An unattractive female subordinate: I need more like her.

Psychology

Trying to understand how managers think can be a fairly formidable exercise for human beings. That’s because the things managers think, say, and do every day make no sense at all to any practical minded person. People need to prep themselves thoroughly before they try to comprehend the thought processes of managers. The poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge probably said it best back in 1817 when he coined the phrase willing suspension of disbelief. People need to approach the exercise openly, ready to accept the fact that managers really do think like they do, even though their thought processes are completely illogical, preposterous, and absurd.

Managers don’t love, don’t feel compassion, don’t aspire to help those in need, don’t cry for those that are in pain, and never do anything simply because it’s the right thing to do. On the other hand, managers have ample brain capacity to think analytically, to solve intricate problems, to handle complex financial transactions, and to engage in careful planning.

This apparently paradoxical behavior is due to the way the brains of managers operate. Homo manageriens have roughly one-fifth of the synapses that normal human brains have. Manager brain neurons connected by these diminished numbers of synapses have evolved into specialized processing units that filter out characteristically human behaviors like love and compassion. Such thoughts literally never cross the minds of managers. Modern day manager brains are hard wired to only support those behaviors that further the advancement of their core values.

Managers construct their core values around four guiding principles: Sloth, power, advancement, and money. These are known as the spam principles of management, which should not be confused with SPAM, a registered trademark for the fabulous pink delicacies manufactured by the Hormel Foods Corporation. By the way, it just so happens that American managers consume an average of 300 pounds of SPAM per manager per year, which is a fun fact but otherwise completely irrelevant in the context of this scholarly tome.

Managers expend enormous amounts of time and energy in the pursuit of spam. They’ll do whatever it takes to achieve any of those goals. Sleep with somebody? You bet. Lie, cheat, or steal? You don’t even have to ask. Illegally discriminate against someone and possibly destroy their life in the process? Of course.

New and relatively inexperienced mangers are motivated by the spam principles in the following order: Sloth, money, advancement, and power. Seasoned managers are motivated in the exact opposite order: Power, advancement, money, and sloth. On the surface this may seem paradoxical, but it’s actually quite consistent with basic manager brain functions.

The first thing new managers do is pawn off all of their work onto their grunts. The sloth and laziness of newly promoted managers cannot be underestimated. Real work takes a lot of effort, and managers have a strong aversion to expending energy unnecessarily. Managers are then free to focus on managerial crap such as policies (send memo to remind grunts that they need to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom), planning (gotta remember to call that new escort agency the boss recommended), and decision making (should the next prostitute be a blonde, brunette, or redhead).

The second priority for new managers is money. They want more cash so they can prove to the rest of the world that they’ve finally arrived. Managers feel compelled to demonstrate that they’re big shots. They use their money to purchase new cars and bigger houses and expensive clothes. Managers believe it impresses those around them when they accumulate and display the trappings of material success.

New managers turn their attention to advancement as soon as they get the money thing under control. Other managers in the organization also have plenty of cash for material possessions, and therefore new managers can’t impress their peers with fancy clothes or expensive watches. That’s where advancement comes into play. Managers focus on the organizational differentiators associated with advancement, and start trying to figure out how to get that next promotion. Bigger offices, private secretaries, executive dining rooms, reserved parking places, and other perks are extremely important to managers. We’ll have much more to say about job perks in a later chapter.

Finally, new managers seek more power. You can damn near set your watch by how long it takes (three weeks on average) for newly promoted managers to start scheming, conniving, lying, cutting deals, and slitting the throats of their competitors to accumulate more power. Their first focus is always on sloth, money, and advancement, of course. It takes two weeks for newbie managers to dump all of their work on their grunts and receive their first bigger paychecks. The following week is dedicated to spending the extra money and decorating their new offices. That’s why managers start itching for more power by the end of the third week. They understand that power, more than anything else, can be parlayed into less work, more money, and further advancements.

On the surface this looks like a never-ending cycle of greed, and for most managers that’s exactly what it is. However, the cycle actually goes through a metamorphosis for certain senior managers that attain relatively high positions in their organizations. It happens at different times for different managers, but the fundamentals are always the same. At some point senior managers push off anything that even slightly resembles work. They accumulate enough money to buy whatever they want to buy. They occupy luxurious offices and they get great free tickets to sporting events. Most importantly, they accumulate a great deal of power. What they say and do in the organization matters.

That’s when the metamorphosis begins. Over time senior managers place more emphasis on the accumulation of power than on anything else. In short, they become addicted to power. They still love the idea of more money and even further advancement, and constantly delegate anything that resembles