Vertical Marriage: The One Secret That Will Change Your Marriage

By Dave Wilson, Ann Wilson, John Driver and Dennis and Barbara Rainey

For anyone who is married, preparing for marriage, or desperate to save a relationship teetering on the brink of divorce, marriage coaches Dave and Ann Wilson offer hope and strategies gleaned from personal experience and Scripture that really work. Vertical Marriage will give you the insight, applications, and inspiration to transform your marriage into everything you hoped it would be.

Honest to the core and laugh-out-loud funny, Dave and Ann Wilson share the one secret that brought them from the brink of divorce to a healthy and vibrant relationship.

If you had asked Dave how their marriage was doing on the night of their tenth wedding anniversary, Dave would have rated it a 9.8 out of 10, and he would have even guaranteed that Ann would say the same. But instead of giving him a celebratory kiss, Ann whispered, "I've lost my feelings for you."

Divorce seemed inevitable for the Wilsons, but starting that night, God began to reveal to Dave and Ann the most overlooked secret of getting the marriage we are looking for: a horizontal marriage relationship just doesn't work until your vertical relationship with Christ is first.

As founders of a multi-campus church and marriage coaches with 30 years of experience, Dave and Ann share the hard-earned but easy-to-apply biblical principles that ensure a strong marriage. Written in a highly relatable dialogue between both husband and wife, Vertical Marriage will guide you toward building a vibrant relationship at every level, giving you the tools you need to embrace:

• Effective communication
• Fair conflict
• True romance
• A deeper connection

Through their unique perspectives, Dave and Ann share an intimate, sometimes hilarious, and at times deeply poignant narrative of one couple's journey to reconnecting with God and discovering the joy and power of a vertical marriage.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Zondervan
• Release date: Jan 29, 2019
• ISBN: 9780310352174

Dave Wilson

Dave Wilson was the Detroit Lions chaplain for 33 seasons, a lead pastor, and a nationally touring speaker as well as the radio host with his wife, Ann, of the nationally syndicated radio show Family Life Today. But it’s his singular passion for enriching lives through spreading the Word and wisdom of God that truly defines him. As the cofounder, alongside his wife, of Kensington Community Church, a national, multi-campus church that hosts more than 14,000 visitors every weekend, Dave’s energy and experience allow him to engage with crowds of any size.    

Book preview

PART ONE

Going Vertical

One

SIX WORDS

That Changed Everything

A life—a marriage—is built on moments. They are the small and seemingly insignificant bricks that, stacked one by one over time, quietly ascend upon themselves into giant walls, breathtaking columns, and bridges over all kinds of waters. Our lives are built brick by brick. Moment by moment. Many of these moments fly by and, to be quite honest, are not really that memorable. After all, they are just little bricks.

But every once in a while, one of those little bricks breaks loose from the wall of life, careening toward you like a ton of . . . well, you know. That little masonry moment looks you right in the eye as if to say, Listen up, dude! What you choose in the next five minutes will determine the rest of your life—and even your kids’ lives!

I (Dave) experienced one of those pay attention to the brick moments in the tenth year of my marriage.

Pause.

Introductions

Before we get to that story, we should probably get acquainted first—both with each other and with the journey we are about to take together. My name is Dave, and this is my wife, Ann.

Say hi, Ann.

Hello! Ann here. Yes, I know this is an unorthodox introduction, switching voices between paragraphs and whatnot, but you should probably get used to the unorthodox. More on that to come.

For now, though, I just want to introduce myself and let you know that in addition to Dave, I’m also wrapped up in these words that fill the pages in front of you. But what you are experiencing right now is what will periodically happen throughout this book: Dave and I will sometimes share stories and insights as individuals, and then sometimes we will decide to jump in together and speak as us—a perhaps predictable, yet perfect metaphor for two becoming one in marriage.

In fact, just for practice, watch as Dave and I magically morph into us in the next paragraph in three . . . two . . . one . . .

When Two Become One

And here we are. Us. The transition was painless, yes? Good. We only wish that the melding of two lives together in marriage was also painless. Maybe you thought it was going to be. And maybe from whatever stage of marriage you are in, from newlywed to seasoned veteran, it still feels fairly painless.

Maybe.

But the odds are that if you fall into any chronological category beyond the first two weeks of marriage, your married life probably doesn’t feel exactly painless. This doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is in crisis; it just means your marriage is real.

Maybe you don’t yet have a seamless us voice because you don’t yet know how us is supposed to work. Maybe you feel that you are somehow being lost in the mix. Not sure what to let go of and what to cling to. Not sure which comments to let pass by and which ones to freak out about. Or maybe your us is going really well, but you still want to keep growing in it.

Maybe at this point, you have lost all hope for your marriage. If you’re being honest, you might admit that you can’t even get your spouse to look at this book with you. Perhaps you’re struggling to even hold on for another day. For you, we just want to tell you that no matter where you are, though it may be hard for you to believe, we get it . . . we’ve been there.

And because we’ve been there, we want to ask you to do something that may feel impossible. Just for this moment right now, instead of giving up, will you hang in there a little longer? And while you hold on for dear life, will you be willing to ask God to work on you? Yes, just you.

Let’s be honest, you’ve probably already discovered that you can’t change your spouse anyway. It feels like a horrible realization, but trust us—this realization is true for all of us, and discovering it is actually a very good thing, even though it hurts at first. So for now, will you be willing to let God work on just you?

In our marriage, both of us were pretty messed up in our own ways, even though we thought it was the other’s fault. We’ll tell you the full story later, but just know that within the first six months of our marriage, one of us looked at the other and said, I wish I would have never married you!

Ouch.

So yeah, we get how it feels to live in hopelessness about your marriage. But regardless of the scenario you find yourself in, we have news for you: even though we are still married today, we don’t have everything about marriage figured out. Not in the least. But now that you know this, we can also tell you that this is actually good news . . . really, really good news. Why?

Because our mission is not to fix you or your marriage. Fixing is something you do to broken pottery or leaky car engines. Our mission is to share a secret with you that will completely revolutionize both your personal life and your marriage in a way no amount of human wit or wisdom can even begin to offer.

That’s a pretty big promise, right?

Indeed, but we boldly make it because our confidence doesn’t lie in what we know on our own, but rather in something that has been continually revealed to us over the years. As our culture tears marriages and families apart, it is apparent that we are not equipped with the tools or knowledge for making our marriages healthy and lasting. Most of us end up just getting by, settling for so much less than the life we dreamed of . . . that God dreams of for us.

So we don’t aim to fix you, but we do aim to both show and tell you how we are deeply flawed, just like the rest of us. We promise to be honest—even painfully so—as we point out some of the things that have been pointed out to us along the way. Through our own personal narrative of matrimonial highs and lows, we plan to share the elusive secret to finding the joy and the relational transformation God has so graciously designed each of us to experience.

Trust me, this is a secret that no one seems to know. We have talked with thousands of couples over the years at our marriage conferences, and virtually no one seems to know the most important truth that can transform their marriage. We didn’t know it either! Sneak preview: the secret to a great marriage is to go vertical, inviting God into your worst conflicts and unsolvable dilemmas.

Many times, we will alternate chapters between the two of us, but at times (and we’ll give you plenty of warning), we will come back and speak together as us. Why? So that no matter who you are, you can experience both a male and a female perspective of the challenges and adventures we all face in marriage . . . and through the big secret of vertical marriage, we hope that you will also develop into the kind of us that God intends for your marriage.

We look forward to the journey with you, but for now, let’s get back to our regularly scheduled Dave, who was about to tell you a story about a memorable date . . .

Our Tenth Anniversary

I (Dave) thought our tenth wedding anniversary would be one of the greatest nights of my life—actually, of our lives. By that time, Ann and I had built an incredible life together. We tied the knot in Ohio and then moved to the University of Nebraska, where in 1980 I became the chaplain for the Cornhuskers varsity sports teams. After two years there, we decided to pursue more training for a life of ministry together. So we headed west to California to attend seminary.

Three years later, I had a master of divinity, and, more importantly, Ann was pregnant with our first son. We moved to Detroit, where I was blessed not only with two more sons, but also with the opportunity to become the youngest chaplain in the NFL—with the Detroit Lions. There I also met Steve Andrews, and we began dreaming of starting a church together. It seemed at the time that life could not be better.

What could go wrong?

Fast-forward to May 24, 1990. It was our tenth anniversary, and I had planned this night for months. The ten-year mark is obviously a big deal, so I decided to go all out. This meant securing a reservation at an upscale restaurant in an upscale part of Detroit—and all at an upscale price. By this time, we had two healthy and happy sons. But tonight, it was just the two of us, and I knew it was going to be an unforgettable evening.

Spending big money on a date is a big deal for me, as I’m pretty much known as a tightwad, since I really do like my cash to be kept in a nice, tight wad—never to be opened! A buddy of mine says it would take the Jaws of Life to pry open my wallet. But on this night, those jaws came unhinged, and I spent a little bit—no, actually a whole wad—of cash.

I wanted Ann to be reminded that marrying me was the best decision of her life.

When Friday night finally arrived, we donned our best clothes and headed out to the restaurant. I worked out an agreement with our waiter to have ten roses brought to our table at strategic times throughout the dinner. Each rose represented a year of our marriage. So after we settled in and ordered some hors d’oeuvres, I gave the waiter a look, and he placed rose number one on the tablecloth. We then shared memories of our first year of marriage.

I could immediately tell that I was killing it in the romance department with Ann. She seemed so excited to taaalk about our relationship. Every guy knows that women don’t just talk. Men talk, but women like to taaalk—sharing details, feelings, and anything else that we men would rarely share voluntarily. Well, on this night, we were taaalking, and Ann was loving it. And if Ann was loving it, then that meant I was scoring points. Major points that would no doubt pay off later, if you know what I mean.

After ten minutes or so of reminiscing about year one, I gave the waiter the look again, and he brought over the second rose. I knew I was giving this college-aged kid a real lesson in how to woo a woman. Heck, I all but expected him to leave me a tip later on.

The dinner couldn’t have gone any better. We revisited the high points of each and every one of our ten years together—and all during the course of an amazing meal. After dinner, I had planned another surprise.

Since we were about to embark on the dream of a lifetime by helping to start a church that would kick off in just a few months, I took us to the parking lot of the middle school where our church would soon begin meeting. Ann hadn’t yet seen this property, so I thought it might be cool to park in this lot and pray together that God would perform a miracle right there in that location—that he would turn a public middle school into a vibrant church.

But to be completely honest, parking to pray wasn’t the only item on my agenda. I also thought it would be pretty sweet if we could just park—if you know what I mean. And I was sure that Ann would agree.

It was probably one of the shortest prayer times I had ever led. After the amen, it was time for the much-anticipated, extracurricular portion of our evening. After all, this date had indeed had all the markings of what every woman longs for:

1.We had gazed into each other’s eyes . . .

2.over an amazing meal . . .

3.at a high-end restaurant . . .

4.with romantic discussions and much taaalking . . .

5.about how wonderful our marriage has been.

What could possibly go wrong?

When I leaned in to kiss Ann, she turned her head away from me. At first, I assumed that somehow she had innocently failed to recognize that I was making my move. So I tried again. But this time, it became clear she was avoiding my kiss. I was perplexed—so much so that I did what every man hates to do, asking her the question every man hates to ask: Is anything wrong?

No, she replied.

Hmm. After ten years of marriage, I had learned a thing or two about how to read her nonverbal signals. She was saying nothing was wrong, yet her tone and posture were saying something totally different. So I took a deep breath and asked again.

It seems like you don’t want to kiss me. Are you sure nothing’s wrong?

Her stare was alarmingly empty. After a long pause, she finally muttered, "Well, actually there is something wrong . . ."

I waited in complete silence. I thought I was doing pretty well as a husband and a dad. I mean, I preached about this stuff. I knew what the Bible says about marriage. I wasn’t perfect, but I thought I was practicing what I preached. We’d had a great marriage that I would put up against anybody’s. In fact, if you would have asked me to rate my marriage on a scale of one to ten, I would have said it was a ten . . . and if not a ten, a 9.8. And the craziest part is that I would have guaranteed you my wife would agree.

I did not know it right then, but a moment that would forever change our lives was staring us right in the face. Ann said these unforgettable words—the brick I never saw coming.

Well, to be completely honest, I’ve lost my feelings for you.

Two

"I’VE LOST MY

Feelings for You"

When I was a teenager, I dreamed of finding, falling for, and then forever cherishing the perfect mate. So when I met Dave Wilson, I felt confident that all my dreams would come true. Actually, let me rephrase that—I had known Dave for years. The first time we spoke to each other, I thought he was the most conceited, arrogant guy I had ever encountered. He seemed to be the furthest thing from the man of my dreams!

You see, back in our hometown, Dave was the man. He was the local high school All-State quarterback, point guard, and shortstop with good looks, flowing locks, and a dynamic personality—which all went straight to his head. My dad coached him in high school, and I was not going to be one of the many girls who fell for his charming ways.

Although he was awfully cute.

After Dave went off to college on a football scholarship, I basically lost touch with him. Our only connection came via the newspaper articles I periodically read about his success on the football field. But then during my senior year of high school, I bumped into him when he was home on winter break.

There were rumors that Dave had recently become a Christian at college, but I honestly didn’t believe any of them. Back home, Dave was still known as a partier and a womanizer who usually got whatever he wanted. So when I saw him shooting baskets in our high school gym, I walked right up to him and said, So I hear you’ve become a Christian? My smirk and tone made it obvious I didn’t believe a word of it.

As Dave answered me, I sensed he was a completely different person. The cockiness and self-centeredness were gone. After only a short time of following Jesus, the change in him was nothing less than remarkable. I didn’t see that coming. His relationship with Jesus was both real and contagious—and I was quickly drawn to him.

It wasn’t long before I broke up with my boyfriend (something that Dave is still proud of) and started dating Dave. This was the first dating relationship that either of us had ever had in which Jesus was the foundation. He made all the difference in the world. With every other guy, I was always stressed about where the relationship was headed. But with Jesus at the center, the stress and anxiety were gone. Christ was in control, and I knew he could be trusted to lead us.

Dave and I fell madly in love with each other—and with Jesus at the same time. Every other dating relationship pulled me away from Jesus, but this one drew me closer. So when I was engaged, the very thought of walking down the aisle to exchange vows with the Dave Wilson was literally the most exciting thing I could imagine. My youthful anticipation was like a movie projector in my head, brightly flashing euphoric images onto the screen of my mind. I could only imagine what Dave was going to be like as a husband; after all, he was the godliest man I had ever met. I just knew he was going to lead me spiritually—not to mention he was the hottest guy around.

Jackpot.

I floated on a cloud of blissfulness—a cloud I thought would last forever. One of the most exciting parts of the whole idyllic expectation was what we planned to do together in ministry. We had this vision—a desire for God to do something incredible through us. So not long after our marriage began, this ministry dream also started to become a reality.

But have you ever been in a movie theater when the projector suddenly malfunctions? For me, when the film of my expectations for marriage began to melt, so did my whole world.

The blissful cloud I had floated on had turned into a dense and unyielding fog—and I couldn’t escape it. And as we took on more and more, our marriage seemed to become less and less. This was no longer a dream; this was reality, and it was becoming an increasingly difficult reality. The dream that was coming true was not the one I had envisioned.

What I thought would be delightful milestones we would stroll past together in stride instead turned out to be piles of ugly old bricks blocking our pathway forward. Dave said he didn’t see one of those bricks coming toward him when it fell off the wall, but I was no stranger to them. Somewhere along the way, I began picking them up one by one until they filled the impossible-to-carry knapsack I dragged behind me daily.

Are You Leaving Again?

At the time, Dave was working two or three jobs. He was trying so hard—trying to be a dad, a husband, and a church planter. He was leading Bible studies left and right. These were all good things that I supported—what sort of person wouldn’t? And when the Detroit Lions chaplaincy came about, neither of us could doubt that it was a great opportunity for him.

But an NFL season does not make for a smooth family calendar. When he wasn’t meeting with players and their families or leading devotionals, he was on the road with the team. He was gone more and more . . . and we were talking less and less. Not to mention that we had two little boys at home who needed him.

And I needed him.

I would say things like, Honey, you’ve got to be here. The boys are growing up. I need you. The boys need you. I’m longing to spend time with you.

I know, he would say. But after a while, I questioned whether