A Lifelong Love: Discovering How Intimacy with God Breathes Passion into Your Marriage

By Gary Thomas

A good marriage isn’t something found; it’s something made. In this revised and updated edition of the bestselling book A Lifelong Love, author Gary Thomas shares that when couples pursue spiritual purpose and worship it builds lasting intimacy and friendship between them.  
 
In A Lifelong Love, Thomas takes couples on three essential journeys leading to a strong marriage:

• The journey toward each other
• The journey toward God
• The journey toward love

Whether readers are feeling discouraged about their marriage or simply want to infuse their relationship with greater spiritual and relational passion, A Lifelong Love offers the guidance they need to embrace the eternal intentions that God has for them.
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: David C Cook
• Release date: Apr 1, 2021
• ISBN: 9780830781218

Gary Thomas

Gary Thomas’s writing and speaking draw people closer to Christ and closer to others. He is the author of twenty books that together have sold more than two million copies and have been translated into more than a dozen languages. These books include Sacred Marriage, Cherish, Sacred Pathways, and the Gold Medallion-award winning Authentic Faith. Gary holds a bachelor’s degree in English Literature from Western Washington University, a master’s degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary doctor of divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).

Book preview

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What people are saying about …

a lifelong love

"If you enjoyed the acclaimed and bestselling Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, you’ve got to read A Lifelong Love. This book is incredible. Consider it your road map to obtaining all that God designed your marriage to be. You absolutely don’t want to miss out on this life-changing message."

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, authors of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts

When Gary Thomas writes anything, I pay attention. When he writes about relationships or family, I pay more attention. When he writes about marriage, I pay attention in the fullest way possible. He has a rare gift to take what we may think we know, and turn it inside out for a fresh reexamination using Scripture. Marriage is the most important relationship we have apart from the one we have with God. I am thankful for Gary’s passion and commitment to help us experience growth, no matter if we’re newly married or married many years. This is yet another Gary Thomas book I will recommend and use both personally and as a pastor in our church.

Dan Kimball, pastor and author of How (Not) to Read the Bible

"A Lifelong Love is a powerful reminder that marriage is more than just a social construct or a legal arrangement. It is a deeply spiritual act ordained by God Himself. I believe married couples will find it practical and inspiring as they pursue deeper intimacy in their relationships."

Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family

A profound, beautiful, and lifelong love in marriage is anchored in our relationship with God. This book takes you there!

Dr. Tim Clinton, president of the American Association of Christian Counselors

"Gary Thomas has done it again. A Lifelong Love is another timely, well-crafted book for every married couple. Gary’s words carry some needed encouragement, instruction, and hope. This is not just another marriage book; it lifts marriage back to the noble place where it belongs … one of transcendent and magnificent glory."

Dr. Dennis Rainey, host of FamilyLife Today

"There are so many marriage books out there, but in my mind, Gary Thomas is like the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed so many of his works through the years, such as Sacred Marriage and Pure Pleasure, and I am thrilled that he’s contributed yet another marriage-building, affair-proofing, family-strengthening, God-honoring book to guide those of us who take marriage very seriously!"

Shannon Ethridge, author of the bestselling Every Woman’s Battle series and The Passion Principles

Gary Thomas has written another deep and powerful book full of biblical wisdom and practical suggestions for a loving, lifelong marriage that is more than simply staying together, precisely because it is God-centered and empowered by the Holy Spirit. A must-read for every married couple!

Dr. Siang-Yang Tan, professor of psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary and senior pastor of First Evangelical Church in Glendale, CA

"No other author I’m aware of offers such a spiritually rich framework for understanding and thriving in marriage. In A Lifelong Love, Gary Thomas powerfully cuts through all the hype to offer us real hope for a healthy marriage grounded in God. This is a deep, satisfying book that will lead you to the path of true joy in marriage."

Jud Wilhite, senior pastor of Central Christian Church in Las Vegas and author of Pursued

"This book is like Sacred Marriage, Part 2. Gary shows you how to practically live out your marriage with an eternal perspective. A Lifelong Love teaches the paradox of letting go of happiness and finding hope and mission in the process. Regardless of the state of your marriage, this book will challenge and encourage you!"

Dr. Juli Slattery, psychologist and cofounder of Authentic Intimacy

Many marriage books focus on skills, but this book builds skills on deep theology. I love Gary’s reflective writing style. This book demands a sermon series, and our church will be one of the first to use it.

Ted Cunningham, pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church and author of A Love That Laughs and Fun Loving You

A LIFELONG LOVE

Published by David C Cook

4050 Lee Vance Drive

Colorado Springs, CO 80918 U.S.A.

Integrity Music Limited, a Division of David C Cook

Brighton, East Sussex BN1 2RE, England

The graphic circle C logo is a registered trademark of David C Cook.

All rights reserved. Except for brief excerpts for review purposes,

no part of this book may be reproduced or used in any form

without written permission from the publisher.

The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you. These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of David C Cook, nor do we vouch for their content.

The author has changed some names and details of testimonies in this book for the sake of privacy.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture quotations marked ASV are taken from the American Standard Version. (Public Domain); ESV are taken from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved; NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, copyright © 1960, 2020 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org); NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved; NRSV are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved; KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. (Public Domain).

The author has added italics to Scripture quotations for emphasis.

Library of Congress Control Number 2015936911

ISBN 978-0-8307-8120-1

eISBN 978-0-8307-8121-8

© 2014, 2021 Gary Thomas

Published in association with Yates & Yates, www.yates.com.

Previously published as A Lifelong Love: How to Have Intimacy, Friendship, and Purpose in Your Marriage in 2014 © Gary Thomas, ISBN 978-1-4347-0862-5

The Team: Michael Covington, Stephanie Bennett, David Webb, Judy Gillispie, James Hershberger, Susan Murdock

Cover Design: James Hershberger

This book is dedicated in celebration of my son Graham’s marriage to Molly on July 12, 2014.

May you both grow in grace and love for each other as you enjoy the blessing of a lifelong love.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part 1. The Magnificent Obsession

1. Worshipping Our Way to Happiness

2. Passion Sustained through Purpose

3. Making the Last Things the First Thing Today

4. The Glory of Spiritual Dependence

5. A Monk’s Marriage

6. A Marriage Worthy of Our Calling

Part 2. Growing Together

7. Supernatural Science

8. Pushing Past the Power Shifts

9. Naked and Unashamed

10. Blessed to Bless

Part 3. The Journey toward Love

11. Our Greatest Need

12. Absolute Benevolence

13. Love Most Famous

14. Delightful Desire

15. Living Is Giving

Epilogue

Appendix: God Hates Domestic Violence

Notes

Author Information

Acknowledgments

I am indebted to so many individuals who graciously provided their time, wisdom, and constructive comments during early drafts of this book: Karen Lee-Thorp, first edition, and David Webb, who helped me edit the focus on this second edition; Drs. Steve and Rebecca Wilke; Alfonso Gilbert; Dr. Melody Rhode; Mary Kay Smith; Mike Salisbury; Lisa Thomas; Dr. Gerrit Dawson; Dr. Mitch Whitman; Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs; Dr. Juli Slattery; Alli Smith; Toni Richmond; Brooks Powell; and John Stanley. I am further indebted to the congregation of Second Baptist Church, Houston, Texas, under the leadership of Dr. Ed Young and Ben Young, for their generosity in keeping me on as writer-in-residence.

I can’t imagine writing without my agents, Curtis Yates and Mike Salisbury. I am also very grateful for my friends at David C Cook—Michael Covington, Stephanie Bennett, David Webb, Judy Gillispie, Nathan Landry, and others.

There is, of course, one person who could single-handedly torpedo or bless my life and ministry, and that’s Lisa Thomas, my wife of thirty-six years as of June 3, 2020. She has lived this life and this truth with me, making it a delight and a joy to explore the reaches of worship and intimacy in marriage. Lisa, we began walking the journey of a lifelong love in 1984, and I’m still eager to see where it leads.

Introduction

It’s What You Do with It

I have loved you with an everlasting love;

Therefore I have drawn you out with kindness.

I will build you again and you will be rebuilt.

—Jeremiah 31:3–4 NASB

When German-speaking Mennonites began migrating to the Central American nation of Belize in the 1950s, Belizean officials were a bit wary. It had been barely a decade since World War II, and though the Mennonites didn’t look, act, or talk like Nazis, they spoke German, and so, despite the fact they had been living in Mexico since the 1920s, they were suspect. What to do?

The Mennonites wanted nothing more than to be free to practice their religion, teach their children in their own schools in their own language, be exempt from military service (they were pacifists), and set up their own farming community. In the end, the Belizean government permitted them to immigrate but gave them the most unproductive land in the country, the property no one else wanted.

It was a brilliant solution, though perhaps not in the way the Belizean officials anticipated. By applying their committed faith and work ethic, the Mennonites eventually made their part of Belize not just productive and fruitful but, indeed, the most fruitful and productive region of the entire country. Today, the Belizean Mennonites produce a large portion of the country’s agricultural output—including 85 percent of all poultry and dairy products—from land that, a hundred years ago, nobody else wanted! ¹

You know as soon as you hit the Mennonite area, a person from Belize once said to me. You just know.

It’s an inspiring tale and not a bad picture of what can be made of a marriage. It is possible, with faith and effort, to begin with a relationship that is unproductive and perhaps even unwanted and end up spiritually feeding others from its fruits.

Maybe you feel like you have nothing left to give to your marriage. Perhaps it’s difficult to even imagine that your relationship could be satisfying, much less inspiring to others. You may feel, as many do, that your marriage is stuck in a rut that grows deeper by the day or that you and your spouse lack the raw materials or natural resources of compatibility to ever achieve anything even resembling happiness.

Is it possible that a relationship like yours could become a source of profound joy, rich togetherness, and powerful witness? You may have dreamed of an intimate, lifelong love but now wonder if you can make it to the end of this year without losing your mind to boredom, frustration, or animosity.

Or maybe you’re actually in a good place in your relationship but you’re wondering if you’ve got what it takes to make it last. You’ve seen so many couples start out well and end miserably, and you don’t want that.

How do I know all this? I’ve met you! I’ve received countless emails, sat down with many people just like you, and faced plenty of challenging seasons in my own thirty-plus years of marriage. One thing three decades of marriage—as well as counseling married couples as a pastor in the nation’s fourth-largest city—gives you is a realistic understanding of just how difficult marriage can be at times. Marriage has such amazing potential and can often be a rich, joyous, and life-giving relationship. But sometimes it can seem as though it’s sucking the very life out of you. And the bounce between these two extremes can happen faster than it takes an ice cream cone to melt in August.

The spiritual principle we can take from Belize and that gives us hope as we look forward to building a lifelong love is this: it’s not what you have; it’s what you do with it. When God becomes part of the equation, it’s not what we bring into our marriages, what we can learn, or what we can figure out on our own. It’s what we do with His empowering presence that lays the foundation for an ever-deepening intimacy and a beautiful, satisfying relationship.

The prophet Jeremiah proclaimed a bold promise from God to His people:

I have loved you with an everlasting love;

Therefore I have drawn you out with kindness.

I will build you again and you will be rebuilt. (Jer. 31:3–4 NASB)

Time and time again I have seen the dynamic in this passage manifested in my own marriage. (I realize it is poor scriptural interpretation to take a promise made to the Israelites and arbitrarily apply it to marriage. I am not intending to proof-text here, but rather using biblical language to paint for you a picture, each element of which will be supported with appropriately applied scriptures later in the text.)

Like you, I have been discouraged at times, recognizing that my wife and I have fallen into the same old rut, occasionally even wondering if perhaps we just weren’t a good match. I want as much as anybody to experience a lifelong love. I don’t want a marriage that limps to the finish line. I yearn to see renewed affection, to rekindle passion, and to share a deeper intimacy through the years. And three big spiritual truths with a lot of little implications have given me a glimpse of a new way forward.

Here’s what I have found and am continually finding—that for two sinners to grow in affection for each other even as they learn more about each other requires more than a few romantic gimmicks and marital tricks to pull it off. Experiencing a lifelong love requires that both husband and wife have:

A magnificent obsession with God and His kingdom. This will give us the motivation to love each other in the face of repeated disappointment. This obsession enriches and gives meaning to our lives, which in turn enriches and gives meaning to our marriages. Profoundly so. This is about spiritual intimacy.

A passion to fight normal marital drift by intentionally growing together. In a world that seems bent on pulling us apart, we must be thoughtful and purposeful in growing together. This is about relational intimacy.

A new understanding of love as God defines it. Marriage is frustrating when we live with an agenda that is different from God’s. If we don’t learn and embrace what love is from God’s perspective, we will resent what God created marriage to celebrate and showcase. This is about devotional intimacy.

Think of these three elements—a magnificent obsession with God, a passionate pursuit of relational intimacy, and a new understanding of love—as three legs of a stool. Together, they provide a sturdy foundation to support a lifelong love. If you take away just one of these legs—for example, focusing on God and love but not intentionally growing together—the stool will be unbalanced and your relationship headed for a fall. Likewise, if you focus on love and an intimate union but ignore God, you will eventually lose your way and the relationship will come crashing down.

The point of this three-point approach is to acknowledge the triune God as the center, the model, and the empowering agent of our marriages. He sets the agenda for what we should desire, what we should strive for, and how we can get there. He even promises to make it happen: I will build you again and you will be rebuilt. This makes the meaning of our marriages something much bigger and grander than we ever could have dreamed.

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