I Can’t Love You

By Katherine Reilly

Nadia is definitely not your ordinary girl. After walking the long and difficult road to womanhood, she finds herself haunted by her past, as she tries to balance her roles as a teacher and the daughter of an ailing father. To make matters even more complicated, Sara, a young refugee girl who has lost both family and home, unexpectedly becomes a part of her life, as they embark together on a journey in the pursuit of true happiness. 

In a series of unfortunate events, they will suffer loss, hate and humiliation, as they try to draw the strength from within themselves to prevail. Will they manage to find the peace they both deserve, or are their destinies preordained?

Most of the events in this book are inspired by real life stories and serve as an everlasting triumph of the human spirit in the face of overwhelming odds. Both Nadia and Sara will come to realize that no bond can ever be broken, especially that between a mother and her daughter.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AKAKIA Publications
• Release date: Dec 10, 2018
• ISBN: 9781912935079

Book preview

ones

Contents

A Few Words from the Author

The English Teacher

Date Night

Daddy

Emily

Therapy

Disco Fever part I

William

Hiding in Plain Sight

Confessions

Another Type of School

Christmas Blues

A Walk to the Park

Contemplations

Disco Fever part II

Parental Advice

Date Night

Daddy to the Rescue

Sara

A New Home

Breakfast

Revelations

Getting Acquainted

The Mall

New Acquaintances

Degradation

Goals and Priorities

A Day at the Beach

Forging a Family

Acknowledging Help

Treatment

Identification

A New Woman

Genetic Material

Red Tape

Sweet Sixteen

A Day at the Pool

Just an Ordinary Day

A Call to Arms

HRT

Emily’s Revelation

Graduation Day

Misinterpretation

Puberty

An Unexpected Discovery

Lost Relatives

A Family Reunion

Turmoils and Legislations

The Final Decision

The Last Supper

I Can’t Love You

Repercussions

Hospitalization

Sleepless Nights

A Tragic Loss

Dust in the Wind

Playing with Fire

Desecration

Desolation

Liberation

Inspiration

Recuperation

Alleviation

Reunification

Special Thanks

Useful Information

Music Inspiration

A Few Words

from the Author

Life presents us with obstacles and trials we are called upon to face. The capacity of the human spirit to prevail is without a doubt our greatest virtue. No matter how dire a situation we find ourselves in, it is within our potential to find the strength in our heart, and successfully confront every challenge thrust upon us.

Most of the events in this book have been inspired by real life stories. Loss, humiliation and abuse, is prevalent in today’s world, as more and more individuals find themselves victims of man’s contempt and disregard for human life.

Let this story mark a starting point for those who have suffered and need motivation to stand on their feet once again. Life is always worth living and must be cherished at all costs.

- Katherine Reilly

The English Teacher

"P aul! How many times have I told you to stop picking on Susan?" I said while I reprimanded one of my students.

I’m sorry Miss Rose, he answered while lowering his head in shame.

Next time, there will be no warning. You’re going to the principal’s office. Am I understood young man? I stated while trying to hide my grief.

I hate scolding my kids; maybe it’s the most difficult part of being a teacher, especially when you’re so emotionally connected to them.

Alright, where were we? I asked as the school bell suddenly rang.

All my students got up in hysteria, as if they were being electrocuted. Paul immediately leapt in my arms and hugged me before making his way out.

Susan quickly followed and whispered in my ear, He really likes me Miss Rose! That’s why he keeps teasing me. Isn’t he cute? she asked as her cheeks blushed.

I sighed and let out a small giggle. Love and attraction seem to affect all ages. What a wonderful feeling. It’s a good thing I have someone special in my life; I thought to myself.

As my junior class left the classroom, I quickly made my way to the teacher’s lounge to freshen up before my senior class arrived. Two of my colleagues simply ignored my presence; a braver one approached me and asked,

Hey, Nadia! How was your lesson? she asked in a curious manner.

Hi Janet! Fine, I guess. It’s a feisty group, but I love them. I answered innocently.

How was yours? I inquired her trying to keep up with the small talk, even though I knew where this was going.

Oh, you know, the usual. Say, I heard a rumor going on and wanted to know if it’s true. I am not anyone to pry into other people’s affairs but I think it would be good to know about it since it’s a delicate matter and I wouldn’t want to say anything insulting, she explained while trying to seem conspicuous.

I paused for a moment and answered,

Yes, it’s true and secondly, why would you say something insulting? I asked her while I quickly checked my notes for next hour’s lesson.

Well, you have to understand that most of us find this whole thing strange and we’ve never encountered another person like you, she explained.

It’s times like these that I’m disappointed in myself as I sometimes have trouble controlling my emotions.

What do you mean people like me? I asked while raising an eyebrow.

No, don’t take it the wrong way! I’m just stating something obvious. This is something unusual for us. What do you expect? she answered as her voice trembled.

I expect to be treated as you’d treat any other colleague in here. I better go. My senior class is waiting for me. Have a nice lesson, I answered in short replies as I quickly gathered my things and left. I hate it when I do that! Why do I feel so guilty?

While making my way to class, I usually bump into many of my students in the corridors. Some of my sweethearts give me flowers, others give me notes while I high-five most of the boys. This time though was a bit different.

Miss Rose! I saw your last photo shoot on Social Media! You are so awesome! yelled one of my kids; a statement which made me blush and cover my face.

I admit I love posing for pictures. It brings out all my femininity. My kids love it! However, I sometimes feel that as a teacher I should try to inspire them with a more reserved image.

After making my way to my kids’ classroom, I heard their voices coming from within.

Okay, deep breath, they’re inside and you look great. Don’t worry. God, I wish I had a mirror with me, I told myself.

I opened the door and found myself on the receiving end of a huge applause and roar in class.

Miss Rose! We saw your profile! You are so amazing! yelled one of my students.

I wish I had your legs, yelled another.

I sometimes wondered, would my kids still love and admire me if they knew my secret?

One of my students showed me my picture on his phone and it was at that moment that I had to conceal my face as I really felt embarrassed. Maybe next time I shouldn’t upload professional photos, I thought to myself as I blushed.

Best way to get out of the mess I got myself into? Get the lesson started…

Time to start our lesson everyone! I said while opening my book.

Marie, one of my brightest students politely commented on an impressive bracelet I wore.

Miss Rose? That’s so beautiful! Who bought it for you? she asked while waiting in anticipation for the answer.

As a school girl in love, I pressed my book to my chest and simply answered, My boyfriend.

He is so lucky Miss Rose! I wish I could find a girl like you when I graduate, replied another student, who should have been a bit more careful with his words as he was then on the receiving end of his classmates’ humorous remarks.

You got the hots for Miss Rose! yelled another as they were all giggling.

Oh, stop it everyone! Thank you for the compliment Andrew. Yes, I wish you all the best in luck in finding your future love. I mean, without love, what is our purpose in life? I asked them.

Are you meeting him tonight, Miss Rose? asked Stephanie who was obviously excited to see me smile.

Yes, we’re having a romantic dinner, I answered them. Now, where did we leave off, last time?

Date Night

After a tiring day at school, I got out of my car with two bags of books in one hand, while holding my students’ tests closely to my chest in the other. I awkwardly attempted to unlock my apartment door but failed miserably as my belongings slowly slipped out of my hands.

Books and papers fell on the floor as I made one more attempt at unlocking the entrance. I was home at last! Thomas would be here soon.

I quickly changed clothes, took out my high heels and did my make up all over again. My eyes had black circles underneath but it was late and he probably wouldn’t notice.

My phone started ringing. I answered with joy in my heart,

You’ve reached the Rose residence, leave a message and we’ll answer you shortly.

Yeah, funny. Are you ready? Thomas asked.

Almost baby. Give me a few more minutes, okay? I asked while hopping on one foot, effortlessly attempting to wear my heel on the other.

I quickly made a dash to the door when I realized I had left the food I prepared this morning on the kitchen table. Couldn’t let my sweetheart without his lunch for the next day.

I made my way to his car when it hit me that I hadn’t worn any perfume. Oh well, it’s a weekday, he wouldn’t mind I thought to myself. Upon entering his car, I sat next to him and noticed he was in his shorts and hadn’t even shaved. This was probably the fifth time in a row this had happened.

Honey? Is everything okay? I asked him.

Well, you see my uncle had an issue and we had to take him to the hospital. But he’s doing better now, he replied.

Oh my, then let’s go see him! I answered in a worrying tone.

No, he needs rest, he bluntly answered.

Okay then. Um, I assume we’re not going then, are we? I asked while lowering my head again.

No, you see this whole ordeal took a toll on my mom and I’ll go take care of her tonight, he replied.

Alright darling. When do you think I can finally meet her? I mean, we’ve been dating for almost a year now and from what I can tell she must be a sweetheart, I asked him.

I wouldn’t say that, but you’re rushing things again. Am I right? he answered in a stricter tone. He scares me when he does that.

I just feel so awkward, she’ll probably say that I’m not a decent girl. She bought me those flowers for my birthday and I still haven’t met her, I replied disappointingly.

And you bought her that beautiful blouse. Just leave it at that, he bluntly answered once again.

It strikes me as odd that you are just the ‘mailman’, couldn’t I at least call her? I begged him.

Nope. Not yet. Look, I’m sorry about tonight. These things happen. I promise we’ll go out another night, he tried to convince me.

Okay baby; what about that weekend we keep talking about? Just the two of us on a romantic trip. I can’t wait for it to happen! I continued as I gently grabbed him from the arm in an attempt at becoming more intimate.

I told you, when I am off on a weekend, we’ll arrange it. Am I clear? he answered while looking me in the eye.

Yes daddy, I replied in a humorous tone in an attempt to make him laugh. I’ve never seen Thomas do so but won’t quit trying. Unfortunately, my attempt at humor fell short and he just smirked back at me.

Well, I guess I best be on my way now. I’ll go correct my kids’ tests. I have a ton of them. I really hope you like the food, I explained while trying to hide my disappointment.

Yeah, well take care and don’t bring food next time. Try to rest a bit, he replied.

How sweet of him, I thought.

Nevertheless, he’s my boyfriend and is my priority in life. I want to take good care of him, I told myself.

I reached out to kiss him goodnight and he reluctantly returned the kiss. I know he isn’t the ‘romantic lover’ one would expect him to be, but he was my man. No one is perfect, least of all myself, I thought.

I waved him goodbye as I slowly walked away from the car. I reentered my apartment, kicked off my heels and turned on my computer.

What now? I asked myself.

I better start correcting my kids’ tests for tomorrow, I then decided.

I grabbed a red pen, started making corrections and a few seconds later, found tears landing all over my students’ tests.

Daddy

After a long hot shower and getting dressed for work, I paid my daily visit to my dear father who was anxiously waiting to see me.

I rang the doorbell twice, but there was no answer. I then decided to use my keys.

Dad? Are you home? I asked in a worrying tone.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, my father came out of the kitchen with headphones on. I was startled at the sight of him wearing them.

Dad? I asked while trying to hide my amusement after seeing a seventy-five-year-old man humming to a tune he was listening to.

Without removing them. he bent over, gave me a kiss on the head, hugged me and yelled,

Are you ready for work?

Daddy! Your ears will bleed! Take them off! I yelled in response.

Oh these? You know my hearing is awful. At least this way I can hear some music. How was dinner last night with Thomas? asked my father who carefully removed the headphones.

Um, okay I guess, I answered. I didn’t want to lie to my father, but there was no reason upsetting him.

I can’t wait to meet him. You know, I feel relieved that you’re with such a good man. I’ll pass away in peace, knowing he’ll take good care of you! my dad continued in a loud tone due to his hearing issues.

Daddy! Stop saying stupid things! I’ll always be here to take care of you. Stop acting like a child! I answered, even though I knew he was right.

His health was slowly deteriorating and caring for him was gradually turning into a full-time job. I gently helped him into his favorite chair and turned his heater on. My father never complained about anything in his life. He always smiled and thanked the heavens for all his good fortune. I then sat next to him and spoke.

Daddy, can I ask you a question?

Of course; anything you want, he replied.

Are the neighbors giving you a hard time? I mean, you’re okay, right? I asked him.

He smiled at me while holding my hand. He then answered,

No one has said a thing, but even if they did, who cares? What have I taught you? he asked me.

To respect everyone and forgive people who mistreat me, I replied as I rolled my eyes upwards.

He smiled and then continued, You’ve made a bold decision and I’m there for you. Hating others for mistreating you will only lead to further discouragement and sorrow. Show everyone who you really are. Smile. Love your students. Help others. Love and compassion are like a boomerang. It always comes back. Don’t be what others think you are.

And what do they think I am, dad? I asked him.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are a lovely person and I’m very proud of you, he answered.

It was moments like these when my father had full clarity and showed his support, that made me weep while he held me in his arms. I am so lucky to have this wonderful man in my life.

I then got up and emptied one of my bags.

Here you go. I brought you something to eat. It’s your favorite, I explained while placing his lunch on the table.

Is it meat pie? he asked with an innocent smile on his face.

Sure is! Just do me a favor and not devour it all at once. Don’t forget to take your medicine. I’ll call later to check up on you, I instructed my father.

It was now my turn to slowly bend over and kiss my father as I properly rebuttoned his shirt. He seemed to be gaining new ‘habits’ as of late; one such habit being the inability to dress properly.

Say hello to Thomas for me, ok sweetie? he exclaimed with joy, munching on a slice of pie while I left his apartment.

I will dad. Love you, I whispered from a distance.

Upon leaving, I noticed my brother and sister-in-law leaving for work. Even though we live a house away, they haven’t spoken to me in the last seven years. I wish I could meet my niece. She’d probably be a year old by now.

I quickly noticed my sister-in-law turn her head and instructed my brother to get a move on. Wouldn’t want to bump into the freak now, would they?

I simply ignored them and entered my car once again, as I drove to work.

Emily

It had been a few months since I had last seen my dear friend Emily. Even though we live in the same city, our working schedules made it almost impossible to meet. However, as the saying goes, where there’s a will, there’s a way and we finally arranged to meet at a cozy café near her home.

Emily was born in France and was relocated to this country to work as a teacher. She fell in love with the people and culture here and had no intent of leaving. It’s her ‘European Attitude’ and way of thinking that has brought us so closely together.

As I stood anxiously outside the café, I noticed her approaching. We both literally ran into each other’s arms since it had been a while since we had last seen each other.

Nadia darling, you look impeccable! How do you do it? she asked me with the grace of a movie star.

You look magnificent as well! I can’t wait to hear all about your latest news, I told her.

We immediately sat and went on for hours about our jobs, family and relationships.

You look refreshed, I stated while smiling to my friend in a sly manner.

What’s his name? I asked her.

Oh, come now! You know I feel awkward talking about these things. However, since you ask, his name is Robert. He is such a dream, she explained as her eyes beamed with passion. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that sensation.

How is Thomas? I hope you two are getting along fine, she said.

Yes, look at this beautiful bracelet he bought me for my birthday! I answered to conceal my disappointment.

It’s remarkable Nadia. He truly has excellent taste. Please tell me something though and try to be honest. What’s going on? she replied.

I must admit, I do a terrible job at hiding my feelings. Emily truly values our friendship and is always concerned about me.