Four Guys Gospels

By R.E. Dinlocker

Mystery clients hire a four man marketing firm to promote a Jewish man with a Hispanic name as Messiah. Constantly mistaken for Five Guys Falafel, Mathew Goldfarb, Mark Berkowitz, Luke Abadi and John Schtarker scour old news scrolls, interview witnesses and listen to legends to develop a backstory and prove their subjects existence and establish his divinity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 17, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491840030

R.E. Dinlocker

The author has lived in and written about Iran, Egypt, Indonesia, Haiti, Shanghai and the US. His novels are The Missionary Position, about Angela Benedetto’s adventures in Irian Jaya, My Enemy, My Friend, about a love affair during the Iranian Revolution, Something Came Up about a young man’s search for himself hitchhiking across the US, Shanghai’d about a Chinese/Israeli plot originating in 1930’s Shanghai, Maiden Shanghai, about Shanghai’s Green Gang’s covert aid to China’s Xinjiang Seperatists, Laidback & Co. about an athletic team in Jakarta, Indonesia and The United Hates of America about two warring preaches who join forces against common enemies and THE TORAH-The Director’s Cut containing God and Moses’ clarification of the Torah. He has written published articles for Channel East Magazine, West-East Magazine, Media Magazine, Asian Hotel and Catering Magazine, www.zingasia.com, www.chinaOnline.com and the South Florida Sun-Sentinel

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© 2014 R.E.Dinlocker. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/07/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4918-4001-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-4003-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013921886

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Chapter 1   Crazy Yohanan

Chapter 2   The Breeze, The Hot Air And The Mishagoss

Chapter 3   Baptism By… Well… Water

Chapter 4   John, John & Jesus

Chapter 5   One For All And All For One… Kinda

Chapter 6   The Viper And The Dove

Chapter 7   A Little Knowledge

Chapter 8   Gimme That Ol’ Time Religion

Chapter 9   Gabriel Blows His Horn

Chapter 10   Marking The Way

Chapter 11   Have I Got A Gift For You

Chapter 12   Gabriel Blows His Cover

Chapter 13   And Then We Wrote

Chapter 14   Luke Warm Reception

Chapter 15   The Boychik Who Would Be King

Chapter 16   God Doubles Down

Chapter 17   The Schmuck, The Tribune & The Rabbi

Chapter 18   The Vfw

Chapter 19   What Can I Tell Ya?

Chapter 20   Three Wise Guys

Chapter 21   Far Out

Chapter 22   Old Testament Time Warp

Chapter 23   A Mother Shouldn’t Worry

Chapter 24   He Did What?

Chapter 25   Like Father… Not So Much

Chapter 26   An Adversary By Any Other Name

Chapter 27   Satans Or Devils Or Gods, Oh My

Chapter 28   Four Guys Meet Two Guys

Chapter 29   Hot Times

Chapter 30   The Desert’s Just Desserts

Chapter 31   Buy One; Get One Free

Chapter 32   To Eat Or Not To Eat

Chapter 33   Food For Thought

Chapter 34   Shpeil On The Hill

Chapter 35   Further Adventures Of Jesus

Chapter 36   Hear What I Mean, Not What I Say

Chapter 37   Jesus Bloom And The Miracles

Chapter 38   Murry, Bernie, Sheldon & Hesh

Chapter 39   Skinning In Katz’s

Chapter 40   One Will Get You Ten

Chapter 41   The Skin Game

Chapter 42   Farshtait Fun Ain Vort Tsvai

Chapter 43   Take With A Grain Of Salt

Chapter 44   Farshtait Fun Ain Vort Tsvai (2)

Chapter 45   Oif A Meisseh Fregt Men Kain Kasheh Nit

Chapter 46   Jesus Fishes For Soles

Chapter 47   Jesus Walks With The Fishes

Chapter 48   A Legend In Their Own Minds

Chapter 49   The Beginning Of The End

Chapter 50   Guess Who Came To Dinner

Chapter 51   After You Eat, Go Tell It On The Mountain

Chapter 52   Saintlier By The Dozen

Chapter 53   And The Truth Will Bring You Tsuris

Chapter 54   Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t My Messiah

Chapter 55   Martha And Mary Quite Contrary

Chapter 56   Lazarus Resnick And The Game Boychik

Chapter 57   A Temple Tantrum

Chapter 58   Pasta, Anti-Pasta And Soup To Nuts

Chapter 59   Dinner, Death And A Show

Chapter 60   Ask And Ye Shall Be Snuck

Chapter 61   Dinner…

Chapter 62   Blood, Flesh & Tears

Chapter 63   Down The Garden Path

Chapter 64   Judas And Caiaphas Condo Board

Chapter 65   Fabiana And Frank

Chapter 66   Anthony Quinn Beats Jeffrey Hunter

Chapter 67   The Fools On The Hills

Chapter 68   The Passed Shekel Passes On

Chapter 69   The Rest Of The Story

Chapter 70   Now You See Him, Now You Don’t

Chapter 71   You Just Missed Him

Chapter 72   Knock With Four

Chapter 73   The Three Rules Of Rummy

Chapter 74   Opportunity Knocks

Epilogue

For

My wife Beth who has faith in God, but believes in me

The name Jesus combines the Greek Iesous and the Latin version employing the letter J. This Catholic/Protestant Christian version of the name didn’t exist until about 500 years ago… who knew?

Glossary

Afikomen—Hidden matzoh Passover prize.

Aleph, beth, gimmel—First three letters of Hebrew alphabet.

Alevai—I wish, if only.

Alma—Young woman.

Alter kocker—Ineffectual old man.

Angel (angelos)—Messenger.

Baleboosteh—Bossy woman.

Banditt—Pain in the neck.

Bar Mitzvah—A rite to reach manhood.

Betulah—Virgin.

Bissel—A small amount.

Boychik—Little boy.

Bris—Circumcision ceremony.

Bubby—Grandmother.

Bupkiss—Worthless, goat droppings.

Capice—Understand.

Challah—A braided loaf of bread.

Chozzerai—Junk, trash.

Cockamamie—Ridiculous, phony.

Chutzpah—Gaul, nerve & arrogance.

Devil (diabolos)—Accuser, slanderer.

Draydle—Toy spinning top.

Dreck—Excrement, trash.

Emmis—The truth.

Fadrayt—Confused, mixed up.

Fakachtah—Dopey, mixed up.

Faklempt—Overcome with sadness.

Fapotshket—Messed up.

Farbissen—Mean, dour.

Fatooshed—Crazy.

Falafel—Mashed, fried chickpeas.

Farschtayin—Understand.

Fartsen—Fart (pass gas).

Faygeleh—Gay.

Finito—Finished.

Flanken—Beef boiled beyond recognition.

Fraccicone—Big talker.

Gefilte fish—Poached ground fish.

Gevalt—Expletive of amazement.

Gonif—Crook, clever person.

Gonster macher—A real operator.

Gournisht—Nothing.

Goy—Gentile.

Goyim—Gentiles.

Goyisha kup—Think like a Gentile.

Gut yontef—Happy holiday.

Hamentashen—Triangular shaped pastry.

Hock—Nag, annoy.

Hondler—Bargainer.

Hummus—Mashed chickpeas and oil.

Juppies—Jewish Yuppies.

Kasha varnishkas—Porridge & noodles.

Katanchik—Little one.

Keffiyeh—Traditional Arab headdress.

Khanyadot—Spoiled person.

Khat, harmine—Recreational drugs.

Kibbitz (er)—To wisecrack, needle.

Kinderlach—Affectionate group name.

Kinneret—Galilee.

Kish mier tuchas—Kiss my ass.

Kishkas—Abdomen or stuffed sausage.

Knish—Potato-filled dumpling.

Kochalain—Bungalow colony.

Kopendrayenish—A confusing phrase.

Kreplach—Jewish ravioli.

Kugel—Potato pie.

Kvell—Swoon.

Kvetch—Complain.

Landsleit—Countryman plural.

Landsman—Countryman, a familiar type.

Latka—Potato pancake.

Lox—Smoked salmon.

Magillah—Commotion or uproar.

Mannaggia (Ital.)—Damn.

Mandelbrot—Cinnamon/nut cookie.

Marone—Italian expresses amazement.

Mashrabaya—Egyptian dowel screen-work.

Matzoh—Unleavened bread.

Maven—Expert.

Mazel—Luck.

Mazel tov—Congratulations.

Mench—Someone to admire, character.

Menorah—Candelabra used for Chanukah.

Meshugge—Crazy.

Meshuggener—Crazy man.

Mikvah—Jewish ritual cleansing.

Milliaria—Roman miles.

Minyon—Quorum of at least ten men.

Mishegoss—Irrational, insane situation.

Mishnah—Commentary.

Mishpucha—Family.

Mitzvah—A truly good work.

Momzer—Clever or impudent one.

Moyle—Man who does ritual circumcision.

Naches—Joy, gratification.

Nebbish—Ineffectual, weak person.

Nella merda—Up shit creek.

Nosh—A snack.

Nova—A higher quality lox.

Nu—Yeah? Okay? Really? So?

Nudje—Annoying person.

Nudjer—Nag, pester.

Nudnik—A nag, a pest.

Olam ha-ba—World to come.

Onkl—Uncle.

Oomain—Jewish amen.

Oy—Verbal sigh, cry, howl or moan.

Payess—Sideburn curls.

Plotz—To be overcome with emotion.

Putz—Angry pejorative or slang for penis.

Qi—Chinese life force (pronounced chi).

Ruggalach—Small crescent-shaped pastries.

Sanhedrin—Jewish council.

Sawtawn (Satan)—Adversary, tempter.

Schifezza—Crap.

Schlemiel—A foolish person.

Schmuck—A dope, a jerk.

Schmuckalovitch—Dope, jerk.

Schmutz—Dirt.

Schnecken—Sticky buns.

Kinneret—Galilee.

Seder—Passover dinner.

Shaygetz—Gentile male.

Shekar—Strong drink.

Shekel—Unit of money.

Sheva-Echad Asar—7-Eleven store.

Shiksa—Female goy.

Shlepp—Drag or carry.

Shmatta—Rag.

Shmegegge—Maladroit.

Shmendrick—A kind of schlemiel.

Shnozzola—Nose.

Shofar—Ram’s horn.

Spiel—Talk.

Shpilkiss—Anxiety.

Shtetl—Village.

Shtik—A comic bit.

Shtupp—Have sex.

Shul—Synagogue.

Shvantz—Penis.

Shvitz—Steam room, bathhouse, etc.

Shvitzing—Sweating.

Sitnah—Adversary (feminine)

Spritzed—Sprinkled.

Stronzo (Ital.)—Idiot.

Tallis—Prayer shawl.

Tatteleh—Little boy.

Tefillin—Small prayer boxes on two thongs.

Trayf—Non-kosher foods.

Tsitsiss—Fringes on a prayer shawl.

Tsuris—Trouble.

Tuchis, tush—Person’s backside.

Tummler—A jokester, clown.

Tzatziki—Yoghurt, cucumber dip.

Vantz—Repulsive person, bug.

Vooden—What else?

Vuches mach du—What’s happening?

Yamulke—Jew’s skull cap.

Yenta—A gossipy woman.

Yutz—Same as schmuck only more so.

Zaftig—Plump, buxom, juicy.

Zara’at—Skin disease (Greek Lepra).

Zetz—A punch or a blow.

Zhlub—Oaf, bumpkin.

Chapter 1

Crazy Yohanan

Offices of Four Guys Gospels

Mark Berkowitz looked over the top of his scroll at his chuckling associate, By you, this is funny?

Matthew Goldfarb jiggled his silent laughter and unrolled the scroll he kept as a ledger, "By me, picking a god like you’re picking a winner on Mesopotamian Idol is definitely not funny."

The two-story stone office building housing the offices of Four Guys Gospels had rough-cut mashrabaya screens covering its rectangular windows. The Egyptian latticework of turned interlaced dowels cut down on any direct sunlight while channeling the city’s meager, dust-filled breezes into the office. Roughhewn wooden bookshelves packed with scrolls and papyrus covered with writings, drawings and symbols filled the spaces between office windows. The channeled aromas of hot city air mixed with the odor of old papyrus and rotting scrolls gave the air in the office the quality of the air beneath a camel-driver’s caftan.

Luke Abadi wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. He stretched his lanky six-foot frame to catch any breeze seeping through the wooden window screens. "I’m shvitzing like a Hasid running the hundred in here."

Nice alliteration, but aren’t you the one who insisted on an office downtown where the action was? Mark smirked at his partner. In the middle of a desert you expected breezes?

Hills we don’t have here? Hills shouldn’t have breezes? Luke whined as his eyes scanned the loft.

Breezes you want? Mark jerked his thumb over his shoulder, Go on the road with Yohanan.

Luke waved away Mark’s suggestion. Any breeze that approaches Yohanan will die when it comes up against his hot air.

But Yohanan’s hot air can breathe life into legends like you wouldn’t believe. On his hot air, folk tales rise to the level of holy writ.

Any of Yohanan’s hot air drift this way yet?

Chapter 2

The Breeze, The Hot Air And The Mishagoss

John, he wants we should call him now. Matthew squinted to read the papyrus he held in his hands, And yeah, John says they got a guy for us.

Really? Mark’s bushy black eyebrows rose. So Yohanan… sorry… John wants we should use that hard Greek ‘J’?

Matthew nodded, John figures between Aramaic, Hebrew, the Greek the Syrians made us learn and the other Greek the Romans teach in their No Roman Left Behind program…

The one where everyone gets left behind?

Matthew nodded, Someone, somewhere will adopt that sound and he’ll be ahead of the curve.

So did John say who this guy is or who our clients are? Luke looked up from studying the fingers he’d pressed against the underside of his wrist. I feel a bumping just under my skin here. He frowned, You think I’m okay?

You’re a Syrian doctor and you have to ask? Matthew sighed and returned to the subject, "As to who the guy is and who our clients are? I don’t know and John didn’t say. What I can tell you is that if our clients are Yehudim—Jews is what we will call them now, they’re not mainstream Jews."

Why not mainstream Jews?

"Why my goyisha doctor? Matthew pressed his lips together and assumed an elder statesman’s persona, Because mainstream Jews, though they would complain like you never heard about our Roman guests, would not try to push a new rebel leader so soon after our Zealots, you should excuse the expression, got the zeal kicked out of them."

So if they’re not mainstream Jews, who then?

"Meshugge Jews. Meshugge Jews we got plenty. Matthew raised a finger, Sadducees we got who are meshugge Jews. These go strictly by the book. Rigid as the papyrus they’re written on. He raised a second finger, Pharisees we got who are meshugge Jews. Pharisees do for arrogance what Moses did for hiking. He raised a third finger, And finally, Essenes we got who are meshugge Jews. Essenes do for mysticism what Noah did for boating."

Luke felt the pulse in the side of his neck. "Goyim can’t be meshugge, too?"

Of course… sure… No question. Mathew waved away the question, "Can Greeks be meshugge? Could Medea hold a grudge? Romans? Did Sybil need make-up? He gestured to the scrolls lining the office walls, From them we got even documented meshugge. Torah translations we got here like you wouldn’t believe. I never imagined Aramaic and Hebrew could be made to mean such things."

So you think our clients are nuts?

We got more mixed nuts in Jerusalem than a Bedouin trail mix. Matthew chuckled. We learn what our clients want us to do with who they picked, we’ll know what kind of nuts we got.

Luke sighed, Certainly took long enough for our clients to come up with their new candidate.

"They think their new boy will survive the same mishegoss their last one went though? Matthew fought not to remember. What does this new one have that the old one didn’t have?"

Chapter 3

Baptism By… Well… Water

Us. The rough wooden door slammed against the wall punctuating John Schtarker’s sentence. Four Guys Gospels. Now with research resources from the farthest reaches of the Roman Empire at our fingertips and clients with a bankroll that could choke my Aunt Rose.

The bankroll we could use… your Aunt Rose, not so much. Matthew sighed, "But, tell me Mister Dramatic Entrance, exactly who did these momzers pick for us to push this time?"

John stood in the doorway grinning an I-gotcha-grin, The same guy they picked last time.

"Oy." Mark Berkowitz moaned the all-purpose expletive and snuck a look at Matthew.

Matthew sighed as his fingernails dug into the scars cut into his counting table. Would he have to go through this again? Resurrect his friend’s past so followers in need of a leader could dissect him again? Matthew saw Mark’s eyes studying him. The silence became uncomfortable.

Again? Luke’s eyebrows rose with the pitch of his voice, Yohanan’s boy? Crazy Yohanan who baptized people in that river’s boy?

That river? That river? John strode into the room and slung his canvas pack on the table raising a cloud of dust. The Yarden you don’t remember? He dropped happily into a sling chair. And yeah, Crazy Yohanan. The one with the camel hair coat and the leather belt who ate the bugs and the berries.

So we’re selling the same guy Yohanan pushed, what—fifty, sixty years ago? The one who died and they never found the body? Him? He’s the one our clients want us to repackage and sell?

Matthew’s fingernail chipped a splinter from his counting table. Mark gritted his teeth.

John dealt out scrolls around the table to his partners. Their proposal I got here.

Luke frowned as he read, "We want you should create a gospel. With the shpilkiss we got with today’s Romans, we want, we should live so long, that our young people should know what to do for Jews. Religious texts teaching responsible citizenship and a reverence for God, we got already. For this one, we want you should introduce, you should excuse the expression, Luke’s head rose as his voice dropped to a disbelieving whisper, a Messiah."

"Oy." Matthew moaned.

Mark picked up the reading in Luke’s silence. We want you should describe this man in detail—not just things like he’s drop-dead gorgeous and single. A history you should give us, a lineage, if he’s aces with God, stuff like that. Also you should tell us what he did and why it was so terrific.

Matthew continued, Be creative, but also neat. In Aramaic you should write… double-spaced.

You want to sell local, you write Aramaic, Luke broke in, A bestseller you want, you write Greek.

Whatever, Matthew continued, good margins are a must on a standard width Jerusalem scroll. Longer than four scrolls it shouldn’t be. We should stay up all night reading because you don’t know how to finish a story?

Other things we want you should do, John picked up the reading with a flourish, "One, begin with a zetz. A strong opening is good, but if we don’t feel it? Don’t ask. Two, be a mench, but don’t give away the shtetl. The reader shouldn’t wonder? Three, predictable you shouldn’t be either. We want predictable; we’ll hire a Rabbi. Four, our

Reviews for Four Guys Gospels

[amyshan-1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Uniquely Entertaining and humorousI always find it interesting when I sit down to read a book and it starts out with a glossary. Now, I was truly intrigued, and the pages kept turning. I was attached to this book from beginning to end, because once I started, I truly couldn't stop until the end. Immediately, I loved the fact that the Main characters are named Mark, Matthew, Luke and John. It's a perfectly delightful and humorous religious satire and anyone who has a good sense of humor, will love this book. The men own a marketing firm and are hired by a mystery client, who wants some promotion done. One of my favorite lines is "When I asked our clients his name, they said it was Haysoos last time. This time they want to call him Jesus.” I chuckled (and I never chuckle) and even laughed out loud at this. I read it a second time just to make sure I didn't miss anything. The banter between the characters made me feel like I was sitting in the room with them, absorbing their unique perspective. I've read Dinlocker's work before and this is my favorite, though, he is an author that I have now on my favorite authors list. Loved this book!