The Search for Level Ground

By Orion J. Holder

This story takes place in a little southern town not far from Atlanta, Georgia. The year is 1952. It is a becoming of age story and much more. Suzanna is the main character, and when she becomes sixteen the little head voice arrives. This is about the trials, hopes, and dreams of a disturbed young girl. She can't understand why no one wants to talk about the voice. It also happened at a time and age when mental illness was a shameful disorder, and wasn't considered a physical disease as it is today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Feb 20, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491864708

Orion J. Holder

Orion is a native of Henry County, Georgia. She lives on the property where she grew up. Her dream to be a writer started at the age of ten. At that time her favorite author was Louisa Mae Alcott. Needless to say she's always been an avid reader.She has one daughter, two living grandsons, and one great grand daughter.

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© 2014 Orion J. Holder. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 02/14/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4918-6458-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-6470-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014903163

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN

ELEVEN

ONE

M OTHER! Do you realize you ran through that stop sign back there?"

Mother immediately pulled the car over to the curb. Shaking her finger in my face, her eyes blazing, she said: Suzanna, don’t ever shout at me again while I’m driving. Why you could have caused me to crash?

Mother, I didn’t mean to shout but I was frightened. Didn’t you see that car coming right at us? You and I both know if you were not upset you would have never ran that stop sign. Maybe you should let me drive the rest of the way to Doctor Browne’s office. If I had known you would get this upset about this little head voice; I wouldn’t have even told you about it.

Oh, no, dear, you are mistaken; you know I would never run a stop sign. We will arrive at Doctor Browne’s office shortly. You sit back and relax and stop worrying about me. I am perfectly fine. I must say though, I am thankful you confided in me instead of your friend, Janet. Suzanna, please tell me you haven’t talked to Janet about the voice.

Oh, no, I would never think of telling anyone other than you, mother.

Mother can’t convince me she isn’t upset and I can’t convince her that she ran a stop sign. When we get to the doctor’s office, it takes three tries before Mother successfully parks the car between the lines. Once she is parked to her satisfaction, she reaches for her purse, and begins rummaging through it like a person possessed. She finds the tissue she is searching for; and swipes at the tears running down her face. Once she has composed herself, she reaches over and takes my hand in hers.

Suzanna, you must tell Doctor Browne exactly what you told me. Don’t leave out one thing be sure to tell him every detail. You are in puberty and your hormones are raging, and I think that’s what this voice thing is all about. I believe Doctor Browne will know exactly what’s going on and will know what to do about it.

I walk into Doctor Browne’s office hating myself. I should have never mentioned this stupid voice that’s echoing in my head.

As I take a seat in Doctor Browne’s office, he doesn’t even look up. He is busy reading something in the folder on his desk. I assume my medical records are in that folder. He riffles through the pages for several seconds, before he acknowledges me.

Let’s see, Suzanna, my files show you were four years old when you became my patient. I’m sure you don’t remember that visit. I’ve been going over your records to jolt my old brain a little. When one gets to my age it helps to revive old records. While sitting here reading, I can picture in my mind’s eye a cute little girl. Your hair was in ringlets and those big brown eyes were as bright as the morning light. I could see right away that you would grow up to be beautiful one day. I notice it’s been over two years since your last visit. My goodness, you are sixteen now, my how time does fly. Tell me, what brings you here today?

I will try to explain as best I can, doctor. I have this voice in my head. No matter what I’m thinking about, right out of the blue, it interrupts my thoughts. It’s like I’m outside my body listening to a stranger, but I realize it’s only inside my head. I’ve been telling myself it has to be my imagination. When I’m trying to relax in bed at night, the voice starts to whisper and I can’t go to sleep. It makes me very anxious sometimes, but other times I feel it is only trying to protect me somehow. At times I feel as if it’s warning me that something bad is going to happen. I’m always aware its’ lurking somewhere in my brain waiting for its’ chance to get out. If it does manage to come out what will happen, doctor, will it be able to control me?

Suzanna, how long has this been going on?

It started right after my birthday four months ago. I kept hoping it would go away on its’ own. I fear it may never go away, and maybe it will get stronger and overpower me. That’s the reason I finally gave in and told Mother about it. I knew she would bring me to you, and I am hoping you will know what to do to make it go away.

Tell me, has this voice ever told you to do bad things? For example, has it ever told you to do harm to anyone or to yourself even?

Oh, no, you think it is an evil voice don’t you?

Have you talked to anyone else other than your mother about this voice?

No sir. Thank goodness I haven’t, I know now it was a mistake to even tell Mother. She fell all to pieces, and I thought for sure she would wreck the car, before we reached your office.

I want to begin by doing a blood profile, Suzanna. My nurse, Nancy, will draw your blood and I would like to talk with your mother in private.

I sit here waiting for Mother to come out of the doctor’s office with nothing to do but think. It is as though a light comes on in my brain, as it becomes clear to me, that Doctor Browne never answered not even one of my questions. Maybe he will tell Mother what is wrong. I can’t for the life of me understand the reasoning on testing my blood to tell him anything about this voice.

On our way home Mother still seems awfully upset.

Mother, did Doctor. Browne tell you what he thinks is causing the voice?

No, dear, he thinks he should have the answer when your blood work gets back from the lab.

Did Doctor Browne tell you how long it would take to get the blood work back?

He said when he receives the information he will have the nurse call and make you another appointment.

Mother is a beautiful woman. She has the most beautiful dark blue eyes. She’s not a strong person, and it’s my opinion that Daddy has destroyed her self-confidence. Mother is the oldest in a family of eight. Her Daddy is a sharecropper in Dothan, Alabama, and they were dirt poor. Mother said she got one pair of shoes a year in the fall right before school started. Mother’s aunt May married Bob, who lives in Atlanta, and they both work at the Fulton Bag Cotton Mills. For some reason they never had children. When Aunt May had to have an operation, and was bedridden for six weeks, mother came to Atlanta to help out until Aunt May could get back on her feet. This is how my mother met my daddy, Frank Albert Stoggins.

My daddy is an only child and his Daddy was a successful business owner. Mother’s family was so poor when she met daddy she thought Daddy’s family was rich. Mother feels she should always be thankful that Daddy chose her, a poor little farm girl, to be his wife. She always gives Daddy the benefit of the doubt—after all—Daddy does have a college degree. Being the only child naturally Daddy stepped in to run his father’s business when his father passed away. Mother has always put Daddy up on a pedestal. She idolizes Daddy. Daddy is a perfectionist. No one can do anything as well as he can. I have never done one thing well enough for Daddy. I know this remark seems disrespectful and as though I don’t love my daddy, but I do. My main problem with Daddy is we never see eye to eye on anything. I’m not implying Daddy is all-bad—after all—he provides a beautiful home for Mother and me. Daddy is a handsome man. He has those true blue eyes like Mother. To tell the truth this is the main reason I can’t help but wonder if I’m really their biological daughter. I have dark brown eyes—in fact—they are almost black. I asked my mother a long time ago why my eyes were so dark. Her answer was that her mother had dark brown eyes and that is probably why mine are dark.

The doctor’s nurse called today. She said the tests were back and Doctor Browne wants to see me. When we arrive at the office the waiting room is packed as always. Mother and I can’t find two empty seats side-by-side. I suppose that is to be expected though; Doctor Browne is the only M. D. in our little town. It seems like hours before I could go in to see the doctor.

He doesn’t even give me time to sit down before he started his questions. Is the voice still with you, Suzanna?

Yes sir, but I don’t think it’s that big a deal, do you? I’ll bet you have other patients who hear voices.

No, Suzanna, as a matter of fact, I don’t have any other patients hearing voices. The blood work shows that you are dangerously anemic. I want you to come in every two weeks and get an iron shot. The nurse can give it; therefore you won’t have to make appointments. I’m also going to give you medication to take by mouth.

When I get well, doctor, will the voice still be with me?

That I can’t say, he answered, only time will tell.

The nurse gave me my first iron shot. I could taste it the minute the needle pricked my skin. It’s the first time I’ve ever had a shot to hurt the entire time the needle was in my arm.

On our way home, I ask mother what the doctor told her, but she preferred to ignore my question, but I’m not giving up this easily so I continue to question her.

Do you believe this will make the voice go away, Mother?

Oh, I’m sure it will, honey, let’s not make such a big deal of the voice anymore, okay?

I get the message loud and clear my mother thinks I am crazy. Therefore it is embarrassing her to talk about the voice with me. With this reaction from mother, right then and there, I make a vow to myself to never ever mention the voice again.

It has taken close to three months to get over my anemia. At my last visit I lied and told the doctor that the voice was gone. It is amazing how relieved he seems to be with my lie.

I have a best friend her name is, Janet. I don’t know what I would do without her. We’ve been friends since the second grade. I think the reason we are such good friends is because we are complete opposites. Janet is vivacious, energetic, and a beautiful person. She loves people and parties the more people the merrier. She is a true extrovert. I envy her at times, because I am a true introvert. Janet is taller and thinner than me. She has beautiful blue eyes and lovely light brown hair. She’s a great dancer, not me. I have two left feet.

Janet has had a hard life. Her mother died when she was thirteen, and her mother’s sister Aunt Missy took her in. Aunt Missy didn’t have any children of her own, because she never liked children. She made life difficult for Janet. She never let Janet forget how much she was doing for her, and how grateful she should be. In return, out of pure guilt, Janet made herself a slave to her Aunt. She did the heavy housework and all the washing and ironing for the family.

When Janet was ready to enter high school her aunt sent her away to a private all girl school. Janet says the understanding is when she graduates she will be on her own, in other words, she need not even think about coming back to live in her aunt’s house. Janet is a strong person in spite of her childhood and her aunt. Janet graduated a year ahead of me, because in the private school she could double up on subjects and go all year; making it possible to get the required credits sooner.

Janet finished school in 1953 and returned to our little hometown. She went to Atlanta and got a job with the C&S bank. She rented a room in the little town of Stockbridge, and she rode the Greyhound bus back and forth to work. About six months ago, Janet met Rick Foster. After dating only three months they were married. I do hope she isn’t making a mistake since three months seems an awful short time, in my opinion, to get to know one well enough to choose to spend a lifetime together. However, Janet didn’t ask for my opinion.

TWO

D addy bought me my own automobile but believe me I earned it. I had to pass his criteria as a responsible person and a safe driver; before he would even consider my having my own transportation. I believe his real reason was, he thought it might deter me from dating any time soon. He expects me to go to college and make something of myself, (his exact words.) I don’t think he’s ever given one thought to ask me what I would like to do with my life. It’s never occurred to him that I might not want to go to college. I will have to admit it is great to have my own car though.

Our little drug store has a soda fountain, and I stop there almost every day after school for a milkshake. In my opinion they make the best milkshakes in the whole universe. Today I was sitting alone, as usual enjoying my milkshake, when I heard a voice behind me. At first I thought it was my head voice, so I was hesitant to look around.

Then to my surprise, this handsome young man proceeded to come around the table to face me. He pulled the chair out, as though we knew each other, and sat down across from me. Then he asked if he could sit with me. I sat there in a stupor thinking to myself, why this must be the most handsome man in the whole world. When we were eye to eye, I finally came out of my trance, and wouldn’t you know, out of my mouth came the dumbest question.

Are you talking to me?

I surely am, what is your name, he asked?

My name is Suzanna, I stammer, I’m sure my mouth must have been hanging wide open.

Beautiful name for a beautiful lady. My name is, Fred Danvers, do you live around here?

Yes, right outside the city limits. I’ve lived here most all my life where are you from?

I grew up here too, but I’ve been away for a couple of years. Do you work here in town, if so, I don’t know how I’ve missed seeing that lovely face before now?

No, I go to high school here it’s my last year.

I still couldn’t believe this gorgeous man was talking to me, and then still another shock right out of the blue, he said: how would you like to see a picture show tonight?

Well, I hesitated knowing there was no getting around the fact that I would have to tell him about my parent’s rules.

You see my parents have the idea that I should never date anyone they don’t know. I will have to talk to Mother before I can give you an answer.

Really, how old are you, Suzanna?

I knew right away by this question that he was older than me, and I was afraid he wouldn’t want to date a minor, so I lied about my age.

I’m eighteen why do you ask?

I wouldn’t want it said I robbed the cradle you know. Okay give me your phone number and I will call you later this evening.

I wrote my phone number on a napkin. I’m sure he noticed that my hand was trembling. Having finished his coke he picked up the napkin and stood to leave.

See you later, doll, he winked, turned, and walked away from me.

I can hardly wait to get home to tell Mother all about this handsome man. I have always tried to drive carefully, but I didn’t even look at the speedometer on my way home.

I jumped out of the car, ran into the house yelling for my mother like someone insane.

My goodness, what is wrong, Suzanna?

Nothing is wrong—in fact—everything is right. I met the most handsome man you’ll ever see, and he asked me to go to the picture show with him tonight. He has the darkest black hair, and the most beautiful dark blue eyes I’ve ever seen in my whole life. I couldn’t believe it when he came to my table and sat down. Out of all the other girls there in the drug store he chose me, Mother.

Slow down, Suzanna, does this person have a name, or were you so excited you forgot to ask him?

His name is Fred Danvers, but why do you ask, Mother? Mother wrinkled her brow and sat down at the kitchen table across from me. I knew that look meant the interrogation was going to begin; yes interrogation is the word for my parents’ when it comes to dating anyway.

Is Fred from around here? Is he already out of school, where does he live, does he have a job if he isn’t in school?

My gosh, Mother, I didn’t get his history. He said he grew up here, but that he’s been away a couple of years.

Away where, Suzanna, did you stop to think he could have possibly been in prison maybe?

I knew right away that it was pointless to continue our conversation, so I politely excused myself, and went upstairs to my room.

I heard Daddy when he arrived from work, but I didn’t leave my room until Mother called me for the evening meal. As soon as I was settled in my place at the table, knowing if I waited for a minute to tell Daddy about Fred, that I would lose my nerve, so I blurted out right away.

Daddy, do you know the Danvers here in town? Daddy leaned back in his chair a big frown came over his face, as he closed his eyes to think. In a few moments he opened his eyes and looked at me.

Well, little girl, (his nickname for me since I was a baby,) I can’t say as I’ve ever heard of any Danvers here in town why do you ask?

While I was at the soda fountain today I met Fred Danvers and he said he grew up here. He asked me to go to the picture show with him tonight. I told him I would have to get permission from my parents, before I could give him an answer. He was all right with that and said he would call me later this evening. So what do you think, Daddy, can I go with him?

You know we will not allow you to date a stranger, Suzanna, he’s welcome to come here to visit with you until we get to know him. I forbid you to go out of this house with someone we have not met, and know nothing about.

Why! Daddy, that’s not fair. Have you ever stopped to think, I’m seventeen and I haven’t ever had, not ever one real date? I’m not your little girl anymore. Look at me, Daddy, I’m a grownup now.

I jump up from my chair and run out