Fragment of Utopia

By Hanzil

Leo was trapped in his own little world, trapped by
his nightmares, when Ann appeared before him in a
fantasy and told him that she could save him.

Leo was there, Ann was there and when she shattered like
glass before Leos eyes, he knew one thing: she was the
one who could save him.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jul 12, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481768818

Hanzil

Hanzil enjoys writing more than anything and hopes that her readers enjoy her stories. She is a student striving for a bachelor’s degree in English Literature and she has a passion for the classics..

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

E ven if words could fall on him like a waterfall, Leo would still be unable to find the one word that might clarify his life. This felt strange. He was at a loss for what could explain his life, yet for now, one word seemed to sum up his current situation: emptiness . He hadn’t chosen it for himself, though.

Leo as a whole was as empty as his mind. His feelings were empty, his mouth was empty of words, and his life was empty. Leo was nothing.

His life at this moment was a never-ending cycle of dullness and anticlimax. It didn’t seem right to say that he was living at all. Leo wouldn’t have asked himself whether he wanted to live, however, as that question had no answer.

He was no longer able to comprehend his needs and wants. He saw nothing as important and never saw someone as a person. Leo was stuck in his own world—an empty world.

His strange behaviour of late had changed his relationships with others. His own mother had become a stranger, her voice nothing but a memory, and his father was absent. Leo was an outsider to his own family.

Three years have passed since you’ve left this room, a voice said. Leo rarely heard this voice, and his mind wandered for a minute in search of its owner. He didn’t think to look at the stranger’s face to help him. His mind was too consumed by something that he would rather forget about.

Ah… ? Leo said slowly, and he turned to the only visitor in his white room. Doctor.

The doctor shuddered at Leo’s blank stare. Leo tilted his head slightly to the right, and the sunlight from the window behind him graze the small part of his cheek that wasn’t obscured by his black hair.

That hollow stare made the doctor sweat every time he saw it. He had once described Leo as a man who felt nothing and thus could fear nothing. The doctor, a psychiatrist, made a note in Leo’s chart: He is quiet, but he replies when spoken to and answers questions honestly. However, he is calmer than his condition would indicate. This was strange behaviour given an incident the doctor had heard Leo had been involved with. If his calmness were genuine, then he could do anything. This wasn’t an assumption, it was a fact.

Leo didn’t look away despite the doctor’s silence and apparent anxiousness. Leo then realized that he hadn’t responded to the doctor’s question. Yes. I think it’s been three years, he said vaguely, despite the fact that the incident concerned him greatly. It was the reason why he had become like this. It was the reason everything in his life turned out as it had.

The psychiatrist paused, looking from the twenty-one-year-old male’s eyes to the window behind him. He couldn’t stand the intensity of that gaze, but still he could feel it.

The room had a view over the city centre. It’s a nice view, Leo commented. I enjoy watching the people go by. Please, don’t misunderstand, Doctor. I’m nothing but observer. Think of it people watching while sitting in the park and eating lunch. I don’t do anything but watch their lives move on. He rambled, as always. Of course, though, at night, the city looks different. It feels different seeing those buildings standing alone with no one on the street. It is strange yet fascinating.

The doctor patiently waited for Leo to finish, and then he asked, Are you avoiding the subject of the incident?

Leo shook his head quickly. This surprised the doctor, as he had believed that Leo was afraid of the misery the incident had caused.

I have nothing to add, so it’s unnecessary to explain it again, Leo said, scratching his shaved chin. Rehashing topics will never get you anywhere new. Cycling through the same thing will only make you miserable when you discover that there’s nothing new to find out. Perhaps then you’ll lose your mind.

Leo’s logic was somewhat right, but the doctor made note of his flat tone. Clearly he didn’t believe what he was saying. Then it’s all a waste? he asked, hoping to better understand the world as Leo saw it.

No.

The doctor had least expected that answer. It only confused the doctor more. He couldn’t understand why Leo was rejecting his own thoughts.

Sometimes repetition isn’t a waste. Sometimes it can mean the world to others, but some things aren’t meant to be repeated because they cause nothing but agony and madness.

The doctor took this opportunity to steer the conversation back to Leo’s past. Then does talking about that incident remind you of your own pain?

Leo froze. This was a good sign. But then a confused look appeared on his face. Doctor, I did think that talking about that incident might really cause me pain, but I no longer feel that way. So the answer is no. But it’s still pointless to repeat the story. I fear something else, Doctor. Leo’s lips curved into an affected smile.

The psychiatrist was puzzled. This was the first time Leo had mentioned another fear.

Our session is over, Doctor, Leo said before the psychiatrist could say anything more.

One question before I leave, the doctor said.

Leo ignored the doctor and turned back to the window.

What stops you from leaving? the doctor pressed, but Leo didn’t answer. The doctor sighed and gathered his papers, packing them in his brown leather bag. He stood up from the black chair, the only object in this white room besides the bed. He briefly remembered how surprised he was by the dominating white of the empty room and that sole black chair. Since then, he had gotten used to it. He picked up his bag with his right hand and reached for the door handle, the only thing keeping Leo locked in this room, with his left. He couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he chose silence as he left.

Then Leo’s answered, The never-ending past. It was the answer the doctor had been searching for.

Leo felt his heart ease in the quiet after the door clicked closed. He was sure that his past was waiting for him outside that door. He heard it patiently but eagerly calling him. He had only seen that never-ending past once, and he hadn’t stepped outside his room afterwards. Three years had passed since that incident, and two and half years had passed since he first had the nightmares. Leo realized that in only three years, he had changed his whole view of everything around him.

It had been a rebirth. No, that wasn’t the right word. Leo went into a daze as he searched for the right word to describe what had happened. The white clock on wall ticked on, bringing every passing second to his mind, but it didn’t matter. Time was nothing more than grains of sand.

Time no longer had meaning to Leo. He couldn’t remember what day or month it was. Even if something reminded of the date, he didn’t care.

Then the word that best described his situation flashed in his mind: dead.

He was dead, so he lived in such closed-off place; he was dead, so he couldn’t express his feelings well; he was dead, so he couldn’t leave the room; he was dead, so he no longer dreamed of leaving the room.

That was simple to explain, but there were other things that weren’t so easy to explain, like how breathing, drinking, bathing, eating, and sleeping were still things that his body needed even though he was dead.

This confused Leo, and he questioned if he really existed. He wondered how it would feel to be dead and if it felt the same as he felt now. Was everything he was going through nothing but a dream? Was he nothing but someone’s thought? Had any of this had actually happened? The questions had no answers, and if they did, then he wouldn’t have even thought of them.

But Leo believed that any question had to have an answer. He forced himself to believe that. Still, those questions were all trivial compared to the one burning question on his mind, the one that made him believe.

Leo had asked his doctor this question, but the doctor had given him only a vague answer. That question came to his lips again because it did matter, as it came from the depth of his dead soul:

Am I to live?

The weak melody of his voice travelled through the air without an echo. The answer remained far from his reach, as he had expected.

You’re lost in that question, a stranger said. It was the soft, tender voice of a young woman. When Leo turned his eyes to look at her, he realized that he hadn’t heard the door open.

Do you know the answer? Leo said. His voice was deeper than hers yet weaker.

The moment his eyes met hers, Leo was mesmerized. He couldn’t help staring into them. They weren’t human. Silver was the best description of their colour. It was a dark silver with a lively gleam to it that gave her an aura different from any Leo had seen, with pinches of elegance and calmness.

Leo